"Darlene Conner! Pull your hand away from Lindsay Lohan's probably STD-infected leftover!" is a line that filled the thought bubble above my head after this picture touched my eyes, because I swear on the box of dusty dildos in the back of my closet that I thought this was Sara Gilbert and SamRo walking the streets together. I know all those twiggy lesbians in skinny jeans and beanies look the same to me. Call me racist. But thanks be to
God Bea Arthur, this isn't SamRo. Apparently, Sara Gilbert hopped off of her partner of 10 years and landed right on the crotch of 4 Non Blonde's Linda Perry.
Sara and Linda left some restaurant in West Hollywood yesterday hand-in-hand, which means they're totally clit wrestling. And by the looks of these pictures, that's all they're doing. Sara and Linda have been fucking so much that they don't even have time to bathe, brush their hair or do laundry. Somebody should tell Sara and Linda that they can fuck in the shower, you know. That's what a sponge vibrator is for. Duh.
"Do you take Wiener Dog as your lawfully wedded wife?" are the words most of us wish we could hear on our wedding day and Caroline "Not The Model One" Murphy is the lucky bitch whose ears will be tickled by those words in the near future. Heather Matarazzo of Welcome to the Dollhouse tells Associated Press that her girlfriend of a long ass time took her aside and said to her, " Yo, Wiener, you better get ready, 'cause at three o'clock today, I'm gonna WED you!"
They're engaged! Heather put the happy news like this:
"My eyes and spirit have opened up since I found someone that I get to share my life with. I don't believe that I've found my other half. That would mean I was thinking of myself as incomplete."
Heather and Caroline, who looks like she could've been Becky #3 if Roseanne needed another one, are planning a wedding in New York for this fall. There's gonna be Ring Dings, Pop Tarts, Jello-O, whatever and Steve Rogers will sing a re-worked version of this at the reception:
Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie have said before that they won't put wedding rings on each other's bony ass fingers until everybody can and so he's patting New York state on the taint for opening the chapel door to gays and lesbians. At least, he says he's celebrating it, but I take it more as a big, gigantic gulp. You know, a gulp that translates into: "6 down, 44 more to go and then I have to marry that bitch." Here's the statement Brad released to People:
"It is encouraging that New York has joined the movement to grant equal marriage rights to its citizens. But it is each American's Constitutional right to marry the person they love, no matter what state they inhabit. No state should decide who can marry and who cannot. Thanks to the tireless work of so many, someday soon this discrimination will end and every American will be able to enjoy their equal right to marriage."
Thank you for that, Billy Goat Brad. And another thank you (served inside of a sarcasm terrine) for not warning a bitch to get as high as humanly possible before stepping into the movie theater to see The Tree of Life. For serious. If you haven't seen The Tree of Life and want to see it, learn from my mistakes and take yourself up, up and away before doing so. Smoke ten joints, bathe your nostrils in bath salts or lick the sweat off of a crackhead's nuts! Just do whatever you can to put your mind in a place where watching MAC screensavers for 3 hours while listening to the Catholic Church's hold music is a form of entertainment. I went in completely sober and I'll never forgive myself for it. I had to count my pubic hairs with my fingers just to pass the time. Nobody around me noticed, because they were either: a) smart enough to get high and were mesmerized by the leftover Planet Earth clips or b) they were asleep.
So thanks for the words about gay marriage, Brad! But fuck you for not putting a label the reads "WARNING: Do not watch while in a state of soberness" on The Tree of Life poster.
Two of the biggest international news stories of the year hit this past week (I'm talking about the answer to the question "How do astronauts shit?" and Princess Bea's fallopian hat) and InTouch Weekly still chooses to cover the ongoing recycled drama between Brangelina!!! We should all be comforted by the fact that no matter what happens in the world, come Wednesday Brangie drama will be staring back at us on the cover of some tabloid. The country could sink into the dark abyss on a Saturday, and by Wednesday morning a tabloid cover with the headline "A HEARTBROKEN BRAD SWIMS BACK INTO THE ARMS OF JEN!!!" would magically float to the top of the ocean. The last cockroach on this planet will be killed by a slap from a rolled-up UsWeekly with Brangie drama on the cover. This we know. But enough about that, on to THE REAL NEWS!
A source tells InTouch that the halls of the Church of Brangelina are haunted by the orgasmic screams of Angie Jo's lesbian lovers. While Brad is off saving New Orleans and shooting movies, Angie is scissoring until her halo is knocked off her head. The source says that Angie has a harem of lezzies who regularly meet her at The Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. Angie uses the hotel as her personal side-piece dungeon and doesn't even bring luggage when she checks in. Angie stays for only a few hours and never uses any of the hotel's amenities. The source went on to say this mess: "[She has a] string of female lovers that she hooks up with from time to time. In her mind, it's just sex."
But just because Angie is clitoris wrestling at the Roosevelt, doesn't mean she's not getting on Brad. A different source says that she's always making the water splash with Brad in the sex grotto on the grounds of their Los Feliz mansion.
To recap: Angie has lots of lezzie sex at the Roosevelt Hotel "behind Brad's back" and then has lots of goat sex with Brad in the grotto. The Saint of Nymphos!
But really, Angie knows how to do it. She has hot dildo sex with her down-low lesbian lovers at the hotel and then goes home to do Brad in the grotto. Angie doesn't even have to worry about wiping the scent of burnt rubber and random coochie cream off herself, because the chlorine water in the grotto will do that for her!
At the 25th anniversary celebration for GLAAD last night, Amber Heard (star of Hidden Palms, The Informers, Pineapple Express, The Stepfather, The Rum Diary with Johnny Depp, etc....) talked to After Ellen about being an open gayelle in the Hollywood game. This, I did not know!
Since I am the Veronica Corningstone of gossip blogs that begin with the letter D and end with the letter D, I did some serious investigative reporting and read that Amber and her girlfriend Tasya van Ree (pictured with Amber above) have been living openly as a couple for a while now. Amber just hasn't screamed out her love for the labia by splashing herself all over the cover of People Magazine. You know People's headline would've been: "Yup, you HEARD it here first, I'm a lesbian!"
Here's a piece of Amber's talk with After Ellen:
AE: The media is obsessed with labels and labeling people. As an out actress, is that something that you’re concerned about or is it something you’re moving past because of GLAAD?
AH: It’s hard. I think GLAAD is one of the many reasons that I, as a 24-year-old, can come out. I think that organizations like GLAAD make that possible because if it weren’t for opinions being changed, people being influenced, people being engaged to do the right thing, then there would be no prerogative for anyone to come out. Like I said, I can’t be a part of the problem. I hate the idea of a label just as much as anyone else but I’m with who I’m with, I love who I love and I’m if not a better actress than I was yesterday and my personal life should have no effect on that. I think that the injustice of people staying in the closet is more than I can bear with a clear conscience and I couldn’t sleep at night if I was a part of that problem, if I was part of the lies.
I personally think that if you deny something or if you hide something you’re inadvertently admitting it’s wrong. I don’t feel like I’m wrong. I don’t feel like millions of people are wrong because they love who they love or they were born how they were born. I’m proud to be on the right side of history and I can do nothing more than encourage people to look at their lives and ask "What side of history am I on? Am I doing the right thing or am I doing the wrong thing?" I look at speeches byMartin Luther King and I cry when I read the story of Rosa Parks at the back of the bus, and I can’t help but think if I was in that era what side of history would I be on? Would I be marching on the side of equality or would I be one of these horrible people spreading hate and bigotry?
It’s clear from a person that was born in the '80s to decide what part of history they’d be on. It’s clear for someone like myself that’s fairly educated and fairly well-rounded and fairly enlightened to be able to say "I would never be on this side of bigots and hatred. I would never be on that side!" But then we have this situation here in my generation, where tons of young people haven’t woken up to the call that this is our generation’s civil rights movement. This is the forefront of human rights. You have to ask yourself what side are you going to be on and if we’re too scared to come out and say who we are, we’ll never get anywhere.
Here's more pictures of Amber at last night's GLAAD party where she posed with Chaz Bono and Chaz Bono posed with Rickie from My So-Called Life. I'd like to think that Rickie just got back from the bathroom where he was painting liner around Rayanne's eyes.
Openly-gayelle sportcaster Gili Shem-Tov and her straight partner Dorit Milman swayed their shit and shook their goods as the first ever same-sex couple on Dancing with the Stars in Israel. I forgive them for watering the demonic seed that is Ke$hit and for snatching Sabra & Neil's routine from So You Think You Can Dance, because this gives me hope that one day I might see Rojo Caliente do the samba bounce with Karina Smirnoff Ice on DWTS over here. Dancing with the Rojos!
At least that's what The Sun says SamRo told her friend who told The Sun. SamRo has already shaken her head NO to the rumor that she's got the remnants of Xtina's lead-based bronzer all over her hot pocket, but maybe she should tell that to her friend. Music producer Marlon David says Xtina, SamRo and an unnamed fuck partner had a threesome down in Mexico. And while SamRo was slurping on Xtina's tequila worm, she came (stop right there) to the realization that red lipstick don is a "hot piece of ass." Marlon opened his pie hole and spilled this out onto the floor of The Sun:
"Jordan was never comfortable with Xtina liking girls but he thought it would make the marriage work. Sam said she had a threesome with Xtina in Mexico last month, that's when she realized she was a 'hot piece of ass'. Sam said Xtina is 'horny as a college freshman'."
I realize that SamRo insists on posing like a douchebag frat boy who always feels like he has to overcompensate for the fact that he's not happy with his (NSFW) weeping willow foreskin, but does she have to talk like one to? I mean, "horny as a college freshmen"? And I bet that after she said that, she made Marlon smell her fingers since she hasn't washed them since Mehico. Okay, that made me swoon at the loins a bit. Ugh. I always fall for the douchebag frat boys. Even the douchebag frat boys with vaginas.
This story from Radar doesn't really come out and say that SamRo offered up her tongue for Xtina's weepy vag to cry on after her split from Bat Boy, but the source kind of insinuates this. Apparently, SamRo and Xtina's friendship became closer when the cave of true love Bat Boy shared with her collapsed into a million pieces. Xtina stopped trolling for chocha in gay bars and spent more time with SamRo instead. I swear, SamRo is the Captain Save-A-Ho of Hollywood .
The source went on to say this shit, "They've known each other forever and they're good friends. Samantha was in Mexico with Christina for Nicole's [Richie] bachelorette party. Christina and Sam grew closer as her marriage crumbled, and eventually Jordan found himself unnecessary in his wife's life."
Just because SamRo is wiping away Xtina's oily tears with a baby wipe dipped in Palmolive doesn't mean they're bumping baginas. And even if they are, it's for the best. I mean, the quickest way to stop crying through your eyes is to start crying panty pudding down below. The truth.
And the minute Lindsay Lohan gets out of rehab, she's gonna cut a bitch. Well, it's better than her cutting a line, right?
There's been a few rumors going around that Bat Boy retreated back to Transylvania to drown his sorrows in the blood of the village virgin after his wife Xtina suffocated the dick hole of another piece with the fumes from her fake tanner. But now Radar is saying that maybe it wasn't a dick hole, maybe it was the goods of a dozen other chicks that sent Bat Boy on his way. A source claims that Xtina and Bat Boy's marriage had an open door policy when it came to women, but apparently it was still too much for him to take so he fluttered away.
A source says that Xtina regularly took a stroll down the Queen Latifah trail by trolling gay bars for lovely ladies to nibble on. The source found this out when Xtina's bodyguard came up to her at The Abbey in West Hollywood one night and invited her to spend a little gushy gushy time with the red lipstick don.
The source went on to say, "The bodyguard told me it was an understanding within their marriage and that she brings girls home and Jordan’s okay with it. I ended up not pursuing anything with it because the situation just seemed so weird to me, but Christina was definitely looking to hook up. It’s funny because I had a couple girlfriends tell me that they were approached by Christina too. My understanding was that Jordan wasn’t involved when she brought girls home, so maybe the divorce is because Jordan’s jealousy got the best of him.”
Now it makes sense why Xtina married a dude with a face like a minge. NO. But seriously, the best part of this story is not that Xtina loves to partake in a little clit wrestling. It's that the bitch regularly got shut down! I can understand though. Who wants to go to the free clinic because they can't stop queefing out lipstick goo?
Here's some pictures of Xtina at an event in Hawaii last night. Since she's in a fragile place emotionally right now, I will leave her DREADFUL brow situation alone. For now.
Before we get started, let me just say that we should all want to look like the beauty all the way to left when we enter the Matlock age of our lives.
So, while Tommy Girl's Scientohole was uniting with a Marvin the Martian butt plug down in his dungeon, his Top Gun co-star was engaging in a much more touching and important ceremony. Kelly McGillis and her partner of 10 years Melanie Leis were joined in a civil union in Collingswood, NJ on Wednesday afternoon.
Kelly and Melanie first met over 10 years ago at a restaurant Kelly co-owned with her second husband at the time. Melanie was an employee there. Kelly and Melanie instantly knew they were meant for each other when "Take My Breath Away" played on the restaurant's boombox, the white sheer curtains gently blew in the breeze and everything suddenly turned to blue. Or something like that.
Since it's a special time for these two, I will refrain from giving a sermon about the second coming of Bert currently playing above Melanie's eyes. I will put my tweezers away and save it for another day.