Gayelles

A 27-year-old woman named Katie was just trying to enjoy a beer on Saturday night at Mug and Mallet in Ocean City, Maryland when a cop came in and asked her for her government ID. You see, somebody who has obviously never been to Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber placed a call to the police and told them that 16-year-old Justin Bieber was illegally drinking booze at Mug and Mallet. HA! As if that fetus can drink a beer without barfing his head off. I bet Justin Bieber gets drunk when he drinks a Gatorade too fast.

Anyways, Katie tells TMZ that she simply just had to show the cops her ID to prove that she's not a 16-year-old pop star. Or instead of doing that, the cops could've just checked to see if she's wearing Pull-Ups.

While most of us would immediately run into the kitchen and take the sharpest knife to our hair if someone mistook us for The Lesbeaver, Katie just laughed it off. She says it happens to her all the time.

Dumb bitches needs to know that Justin Bieber isn't the first person to have magical bangs that can sweep the nightmares from your head. I'm no historian, but I'm sure Katie conquered that look long before The Lesbeaver. Bitches should be going up to Justin Bieber to ask him "Are you Katie from Ocean City?" Not the other way around.

Unfortunately, Jane Lynch didn't exchange vows with Charo. Maybe next time. But I'm using this picture, because Charo is the cherry on everyone's top. And seriously, she should be in every picture. So....

Star Magazine is saying that Glee's Sue Sylvester married her girlfriend psychologist Lara Embry at the Blue Heron Restaurant in Sunderland, Massachusetts over the weekend. One of the restaurant's employees says that Jane and Lara have been planning their big gayelle wedding for months. The employee also just had to say that Jane and Lara's guests ate grilled sea bass, duck and chocolate mousse layer cake for dessert. Suddenly the Juan Pollo and sheet cake from Costco I ate at my cousin's wedding a few months ago doesn't seem that impressive.

Congrats to Sue and Lara. Here's hoping that they move to Pennsylvania where they will breed pure bred poodles and start a magazine called American Bitch.

AFTER ALL THAT, People has confirmed that the answer to the "Who is coming out?" blind item is country singer Chely Wright (aka WHO?!). Chely's lesbian non-bomb was supposed to drop this Wednesday, but People came clean this morning after everyone and their bikini waxer spoiled the news over the weekend. Yes, this is what it feels like to get a wet handjob without release. Let's all bump blue balls while cursing People's name.

Chely, who has a book and a CD coming out this week, queefs to People, "There had never, ever been a country music artist who had acknowledged his or her homosexuality (Ed note: K.D. Lang just shank eyed bitch). I wasn't going to be the first. Nothing in my life has been more magical than the moment I decided to come out."

You know what will be more magical? The feeling Chely will get in her heart when she sees the extra sales from her CD and book because of her People Magazine cover. Nothing hugs your soul and makes you feel clean like a publicity stunt. Good for you, Chely.

Not all is lost though. At least I got to post this picture of Chely wearing a truly hot outfit. Thanks to Chely I can now wear a window scarf as a waist accessory with confidence!

Justin Bieber was supposed to crawl and goo-goo-ga-ga in a free outdoor concert in Australia this morning, but it was canceled after thousands of crazed fangirls swarmed the venue at 2 this morning. Many girls had been camping out near the arena since last night. Justin wasn't supposed to take the stage until later on in the morning, but a rumor that he had arrived early caused the fetusholics to rush the arena. One girl probably got a whiff of baby diarrhea and figured Bieber's mommy was changing him in the back. Baby diarrhea ruins everything!

Several girls were taken to the hospital after they were crushed during the chaos. About ten girls were treated at the scene after they fainted.

Justin later performed one song from the safety of a studio.

This is ridiculous. Justin Bieber is turning tween girls into lesbian-loving pedophiles! I mean, fainting over a newborn fetus?! Only OctoMom does that shit! Although, I guess it's better that they are worshiping a baby instead of having one (I think).

Here's a few pictures of Australian tweens suffering through the most devastating experience of their lives. They tried to commit mass suicide, but downing 3 Flinstones Vitamins didn't really do the trick.

Lindsay Lohan's Twitter page is like an empty subway car on a Saturday night. There's always an incoherent crackie stumbling in to ramble away about something. It makes you want to put on your headphones and continue to pretend to read a book.

At around 2 this morning, Lindsay's numb fingers fought with her Blackberry keyboard to type out this Tweet about her ex-SamRo. According to Blohan, SamRo gave her a squirt to the face at a party. Isn't this how SamRo and Blohan usually greet each other? Who knows, but SamRo had this to say on her Twitter page. The non-plot thins:

Guess what didn't happen tonight......
about 5 hours ago via UberTwitter

OH, A GAME! Hm. Let's see, you didn't eat anything? You didn't kiss a peen? You didn't wash your underarms? You didn't play any good music? Am I getting warmer? Oh, wait, she's talking about spitting on Blohan.

Well, whoever spit on Blohan was just trying to do her a favor by giving her a bath. That's all. Blohan should really send them a thank you card.

Here's some thrilling pictures of Blo hiding her saliva site face while arriving at a club early this morning.

The break-up curse is striking harder than a bitch! It has already claimed Sugartits and Zombie Larry King as its victims, and now it can add Melissa Etheridge to the pile. People reports that Melissa and Tammy Lynn Michaels have stopped scissoring after 9 years! April 15th is the worst!

When the lesbians start breaking up, that means there's no hope for any of us. Just grab a tub of cake batter and join Jennifer Aniston on the La-Z-Boy sofa of life! Take a Benadryl if you're allergic to cats.

Melissa's rep issued this simple statement of words which doesn't include any dirty details as to why they dropped the love: "Melissa and Tammy Etheridge are saddened to announce that they are now separated. We ask for consideration and respect for our family as we go through this difficult period."

Melissa and Tammy are moms to 3-year-old twins Miller and Johnnie Rose (which also sounds like a cocktail you can order at Claim Jumper). Melissa also has two kids with former partner Julie Cypher.

If Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon announce they're splitting up today, just push me before I find out.

This is what you see right before you are ripped up into a million pieces.

The pint-sized Hilary Swank agrees and had something to say about it on his Twitter:

Dear @peoplemag Covershoot...next time i laugh real crazy warn me u r still taking pics...still appreciate u but let's get on the same page

EXCLUSIVE story and pics in the new issue of @peoplemag . I look crazy as heck on the cover but if u cant laugh at yourself u aint havin fun

No, Bieber, please don't laugh anymore. Don't laugh. The sight of you laughing makes us all want to reach for our whistles.

When I first read the headline, "True Blood Stars Says 'I'm Bi-Sexual,' my genitals went numb thinking that Alexander Skarsgard announced to the world that everyone has a chance at his scalding hot Swedish blodkorv and meatballs! Well, my no-no will continue to hold its breath (don't visual that), because ASkars isn't the True Blood star who has come out as a bi-sexual. Anna Paquin is the one who announced that she loves the cock and the cooch.

In a PSA for the True Colors Fund, Sookeh proudly says, "I’m Anna Paquin. I’m bisexual, and I give a damn.” Radar has the video if you want to see it for yourself. A source also tells Radar that nobody at the shoot knew Anna was going to make that statement.

Sookeh is currently engaged to Vampire Beeeeeeehl.

Now back to Askars, we're waiting.....

A few days ago there was a not-so-blind item about a certain Real Housewife dropping the dick and picking up the puss. Everyone pretty much assumed it was the one and only Kim Zolciak of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. UsWeekly is now co-signing that shit by saying that Kim publicly stepped out with her girlfriend of 3 months DJ Tracy Young at the Blacks' Annual Gala in Miami Beach on Saturday. This is like Sally Beauty Supply's answer to Lindsay Lohan and SamRo.

Apparently, Kim was telling everyone how happy she is with DJ Tracy. A source said, "Tracy broke up with her longtime girlfriend to be with Kim. Since they've been together, Tracy lost a lot of weight and got really skinny for Kim. They seem to be beyond happy with each other. The rumor is that Kim Zolciak will come out this season."

DJ Tracy seems like a perfectly lovely gayelle. If you squint your eyes while rubbing your uterus area, she almost looks like a softer version of Kate Gosselin. So why is she fucking around with broke down Kim? It can't be fun having to constantly scrub wig glue off of your inner thighs. And it probably takes more than a few swigs of Listerine to get the taste of Kim's ash tray-flavored snatch out of your mouth.

I'm just going to say this is a publicity stunt that needs more funding. I mean, just last week Kim was telling a radio station that she was back on Big Poppa's payroll. Besides, we all know Sheree is supposed to be the cooch munchin' one! Bitch has the jaw for it (just pretend you know what that means).

Rosie O'Donnell has been dating her new girlfriend Tracy Kachtick-Anders for approximately 6-minutes (that's around 2 years in gayelle time), and she's already making plans to move her into her home.

Rosie O tells Oprah that as soon as she laid eyes on Tracy, her vag popped and her Home Depot credit card melted, "So she got out of the car in Miami and I was, like, zoinks, you know, because she's absolutely gorgeous and, I don't know, I felt like I knew her right away. It was very odd."

When Oprah asked Rosie if she wants Tracy to live with her, Gayle King burst into tears and ran out of the studio. But they all ignored her, and Rosie answered, "Yes, as soon as we can arrange the kids' thing where she lives in Texas, you know."

They're gonna need a bigger EVERYTHING, because Rosie has 4 kids and Tracy has 6. It's like The Brady Bunch: Lesbian Edition. The Dykey Bunch! Actually, scratch that, because I think the original Brady Bunch was the lesbian version. Those were both gayelles, right?

via People