Gayelles

Before rubbing snatch lips with SamRo, HoHan shacked up with Courtenay Semel, the daughter of former Yahoo CEO Terry Semel. Wait, I have a question before we get into this lezzie drama. Does she pronounce her name Courtney or Court-E-Nay? I don't think I could handle calling that bitch Court-E-Nay. I couldn't say her name without laughing. I'd have to call her Nay Nay or Courtie. Let's call her Nay Nay. So... One of Nay Nay's friends has talked to The News of the World about her love triangle with HoHan and SamRo.

Nay Nay and HoHan first met in 2006. HoHan didn't know how to deal with her gayelle feelings for Nay Nay, so she started doing a bunch of drugs. In HoHan's defense, I'd have to do a lot of drugs to make out with Nay Nay. She's not the prettiest vibrator in the sex store. Yes, there's such thing as a pretty vibrator. Here's one!

Things between Nay Nay and HoHan continued throughout 2006, but it all changed when SamRo came into the picture in 2007. HoHan and SamRo's relationship was strictly platonic at first. HoHan apparently said SamRo was "the father she never had." But does SamRo wear her cell phone on her waist band?

When HoHan checked into Promises, both Nay Nay and SamRo visited her. Nay Nay's friend said, “By now Lindsay was sending ‘I love you’ notes to Samantha and signing them ‘Lindsay Ronson’ but telling Courtenay she loved her too."

When HoHan got out of rehab, she rented a house with Nay Nay. That didn't last too long. HoHan kept bringing home dude after dude. Finally, Nay Nay had enough dick in her house and moved out. A week later, SamRo and HoHan were joined at the labia.

Nay Nay's friend said, “Courtenay still can’t understand how Lindsay is now so open with Samantha. Every time she sees a picture of them together it kills her.”

Yeah, she looks really fucking distraught. Nay Nay is now "dating" bi-sexual ladyboy Tila Tequila. Typical!

Ugh! I thought the gays were dramatic. SamRo is a definite upgrade from Nay Nay. First of all, her name is Nay Nay. Second of all, she looks like she has a lazy tongue. I mean, SamRo looks like she could get a gold medal in muff diving. Nay Nay doesn't even look like she'd qualify for the finals!

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi became wifey and wifey on Saturday at their home in Los Angeles, and here's a few stalker-like pictures from the blessed event. I can see you two little 'gina bumpers, but you can't see me. Ehehehe!

Okay, what in lezzie flannel hell is Ellen wearing? I swear she stole my first communion outfit out of my mother's guest room closet. That's practically the same shit I wore except I had fancy silver shoes with bells on them. No joke. What's gayer than gay? Fancy silver shoes with bell on them.

Portia looks loverly as usual. And so happy! I would be fucking happy too if I just married a dykey pot o' gold! Portia better not have signed a prenup! Prenups are my worst nightmare. They ruin everything!

Below are a few more pictures including one of Ellen holding a dog who isn't Iggy. It's like that, Ellen? I see how it is. Poor Iggy. And for a gayelle wedding, they sure had a lot of floating balls around the joint.

Portia de Rossi, 35, and Ellen Degeneres, 50, completely ruined their relationship by getting married in California yesterday. It's a known fact that marriage ruins people's lives!!! Although, Portia and Ellen will beat the odds. Gayelles do it better.

Ellen's spokesbitch confirmed to People that they made it legal at their home in Los Angeles. They both wore Zac Posen, because details like that are very important. When you lay awake tonight, thinking about what in muffin hell Ellen and Portia wore to their wedding, you'll have the answer. Oh! And the flowers were by Mark's Garden. Another very fucking important fact.

Only 19 people were invited to the ceremony. Iggy the Dog better have been their ring bearer or I will slap Ellen with a veiny dick and she won't like that very much. In fact, it might make her vomit uncontrollably.

Congratulations to these two lezzies in love. Do you think whoever officiated the ceremony said, "You may now scissor the bride"?

I know HoHan and SamRo are supposed to be hipster lezzies or something, but damn! Can't they wear something else besides Ray-Bans? Now, I've been known to put on a pair of Wayfarers now and then, but now it's hard for me to do so without thinking about these coochie lickers. Damn then! Ray-Ban better be paying them the big bucks.

Here's these two buying a bunch of dumb shit they don't need in Los Angeles yesterday. All they do is fucking shop. They need to turn up the action. I'm waiting for the sex tape to hit the internets. I wanna see these two bump cokey ginas, smash pies, mack on a ham wallet, grill up a furburger.....something. Actually, I take that back. That would not be the gayelle sex tape of my dreams. Now a Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon sex tape is a different story.

Is SamRo making a "queef face" because she thinks HoHan's new hair stinks? I sort of agree. It's like a lovely shade of peach barf. However, maybe she's slowing embracing her inner ginge and her weave will soon make it to her natural color. But who knows what her natural color is anymore.

Even my mommy cares about the lesbionic adventures of SamRo and HoHan. Although, she doesn't really know their names. She calls them "the butchie" and "that girl from Angry Girls." Of course, she means the bull dyke and the ho from "Mean Girls." You know how moms are.

Here's "the butchie" and the chick from "Angry Girls" at the opening of Apple (no relation to the iPod hos) last night.

Ellen Degeneres and Mandy Rogers aka Portia de Rossi are going to tie the vagina this weekend in California. UsWeekly reports that the two blonde gayelles will have a small ceremony now that it's legal for gay hos to ruin their lives by getting married.

Last May, Ellen announced on her show that she would make Portia an honest woman.

This is the only thing I want to know. Are Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon going to be there? If so, I will jump my sick ass on a plane and crash that shit! Dancing cheek-to-cheek with Rojo Caliente to a Melissa Etheridge song would make my life. And I'm not talking about the cheeks on our faces.

Hopefully, Portia didn't sign any pre-nup. She can't really get knocked up by Ellen, so that's her only best bet! Sorry, business first, pleasure second.

And does anyone know an address where I can send them a gift certificate to Homo Depot as a congratulations? Actually, Ellen and Portia are fancy gayelles. I would have to send them a gift certificate to Homo Depot EXPO instead.

We all basically had a laugh about the rumor that HoHan and SamRo are going to throw the gayelle wedding of the month year. Yeah, it's not going to happen, but I have my flannel flower girl outfit ready just in case. Even though the rumor is about as real as my afternoon delights with Carrot Top (don't judge), this hasn't stopped Michael Lohan from opening his gutter trap and spewing a bunch of trash.

He told MSNBC's The Scoop, “I haven’t heard anything (about an upcoming wedding) from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my (Christian) faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

Michael, sweetie, honey. Let's be real here. Stop using the "Christian" thing. She wouldn't ask you because you're her daddy and she can't stand you. I've listened to "Confessions of a Broken Heart" many times (unfortunately), so I know how she feels deep down.

And is your Christian faith the reason why you continue to wear your cell phone strapped to your waist. Only Jesus can enlighten me about this shit! I don't understand it! It truly makes my eyes curdle every time I see some twat bag with a cell phone strapped to their waist. It's wrong and should be illegal.

When I first saw these pictures of Covergirl Zac Efron and Gossip Girl Chace Crawford, I immediately asked, "Who's the top and who's the bottom?" That's a dumb dumb question, because obviously they're both bossy bottoms. They're both probably thinking, "What the hell am I going to do with this bitch?" Well, their ass lips can kiss and they can lick each other's chodes, but that's about it. Or they can just do each other's hair. Yeah, these two don't belong together. It would only end in a cat fight and Zac getting his make-up smeared. That wouldn't be nice.

And is that chest hair I see on Chace?! I didn't even know that was possible. That's probably a weave. A chest merkin.

Here's more of Zac, Chace and something called a Vanessa Hudgens at the Teen Choice Awards last night.

Heather Matarazzo, star of one of the greatest movies of 1995 "Welcome to the Dollhouse," is engaged to some ho named Carolyn Murphy. No, not THEE Carolyn Murphy. Although, Heather probably wishes. Heather's PR whore told E! that the couple have been together for about a year.

The PR whore went on to say that they both proposed to each other, “It was really cute. First Heather proposed to Carolyn, then Carolyn proposed to her." That's not cute. That's confusing. And why do people still propose? What's wrong with just saying, "Hey bitch, what are you doing later? Let's go ruin our lives together."

Congrats to Wiener Dog and Carolyn "not the supermodel" Murphy! For some reason I always thought Wiener Dog would end up with Steve. Dreamy Steve. Clip below:

....And I love her for that. Yesterday in Los Angeles, SamRo and her woman were walking around doing lesbionic shit together. SamRo wore this filthy t-shirt featuring dicks in chains and dudes touching each other all rough-like. Yes, that's what I like to see.

Will one of you whores please tell me where to buy this shit! I can't wait to rock it with my gold sequined asshole cutters and lucite loafers. I'll wear it to an IHOP in New Jersey on a Sunday afternoon. I like watching freaked out parents cover their children's eyes in fear! They do that anyway when I walk by, but they would do it in record time if I wore this t-shirt.

Below are more pics of hot ass SamRo and her hotter t-shirt. Some of them might be a little NSFWish when you blow them up. But let's be real, if you can't look at dicks at work, then it's time to look for a new job. Looking at dicks all day long is important for your health and well-being. You can stay with me while you job search. If I don't look at a picture of a dick at least once every hour, my eyes stop working.

UPDATE: SamRo's hot ass t-shirt was made for the band The Virgins. Sadly, it's not sold online, but they sell them at their shows.