Eva Mendes

Page Six says that at the Bowery Hotel in NYC on Good Friday night, Ryan Gosling's Canadian hipster coolness evaporated when he turned into an overreacting, raging, jealous dick bag after a fashion photographer said "Hey, baby!" to his piece Eva Mendes. Don't you just hate it when a crazy, jealous boyfriend kills your Janet Jackson moment by interrupting you before you can answer "No, my first name ain't Baby" to a fashion photographer who just called you baby?

A witness type told Page Six that the fashion photographer recently shot Eva for something and Ryan Gosling must've not known that, because he went wild on a ho. The witness put it like this:

“Ryan got in the guy’s face and said, ‘Who are you calling baby?’ Eva had to jump in and calm everyone down before it came to fisticuffs. Ryan then made nice and shook the guy’s hand.”

Note to self: If I want Ryan Gosling to invade my personal space, breathe hot air into my face and spit all over me as he curses me out and threatens to fist me where it counts, just call Eva Mendes "baby." So what I'm saying is that if I ever see Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling out in the wild, I'm going to call her "baby" over and over again and I'm going to make sure I'm all Crisco'd up before I do it.

Here's Ryan in a velvet suit and Eva in Endora's cotillion dress at The Place Beyond the Pines premiere in NYC last week.

Eva Mendes did an interview with New York Magazine (via E!) to promote that movie she did with Ryan Gosling called Place Beyond the Pines and she didn't really want to talk about anything. If I was interviewing Eva, I'd ask her to show me with her hands how big Ryan's dick is and then I'd ask her if he giggles when she tickles his taint. You know, basic questions. But I'd be wasting my breath and mouth muscles, because she wouldn't answer any of those question. New York Magazine asked her some simple shit and she put on an "OHMYGODIMSOPRIVATE!" act.

They asked her where she met Ryan Gosling and she said, "That's where I start to shut down. Because it gets into personal territory that I don't feel comfortable talking about. So sorry."

They asked her about her role in the movie and she said, “I don’t want to disclose anything because I feel like there are no more surprises anymore, whether it’s in film, about the ending of a story, or what a character looks like—by the time we see the movie, we’ve seen paparazzi shots of the actor wearing the wig. Where’s the mystery? Where’d it go? I want it back.”

They asked her if she wants to make tiny Goslings with Ryan Gosling and she said, "I'm so out of here. You know the cartoon where the steam comes out and it says, 'Boop-bee-boop. System down'?"

They finally asked her why is she wasting their fucking time when they could be at home fapping while eating Thin Mints instead of rolling their eyes every time she refused to answer their question. No, they didn't ask that, but they should've.

But Eva did want to talk about her dog's privacy. Eva wishes that tabloids and blogs would blur out her dog's face the way British tabloids blur out the faces of children in paparazzi pictures. Eva said:

"I'll go somewhere and they'll be like, 'Hey, Hugo!' and I'm like, 'How do you know Hugo's name?' That's so creepy!"

Oh, please. She's just mad, because they knew her dog's name and didn't know hers. Hugo is way more famous than she is (which is how it should be). Did Eva even ask Hugo what he wants? Maybe he's a fame whore and loves the attention? Just look at that picture. She's the one throwing her hands up all dramatic like she's Norma Desmond and Hugo's just chilling there. But you know, if we had to blur out the faces of canine creatures who lick their own butts, then that means we'd have to blur out the faces of every Kardashian. Maybe that crazy bitch Eva Mendes is on to something after all.

The extremely accurate and beacon of one hundred percent potent truthiness Now Magazine says that Eva Mendes has temporarily put aside her evil plan to take down the Power Rangers and is instead pointing her Orb of Doom at that Gosling-stealing, two-bit hussy whore Rachel McAdams. A source (aka a drunk intern who also runs the We Hate Evil Menses Tumblr on the side) tells Now that ever since Rachel McAdams broke up with Michael Sheen, she's been wiping her heartbroken tears on the shoulder of her ex-piece Ryan Gosling. Eva, whose right eyebrow always looks like it's in the "bitch, step back" position, is really raising her eyebrow in the "bitch, step back" position, because she wants Rachel McAdams to step away from her man.

Apparently, Rachel and Ryan stayed friends and talked every now and again when she was with Michael Sheen, but now that she's single they've been talking on the phone even more. The source said, "Rachel's always kept in touch with Ryan, but now that she's split with Michael, she's been calling him and using him as a shoulder to cry on. It hasn't gone down very well with Eva, to say the least, but Ryan wants to be there as a friend for his ex."

Well, since the LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian/Brandi Glanville feud is the bottom shelf version of the Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston feud, we needed a middle shelf version too and here it is. This is something to keep hope alive for those McGosling fans who think The Notebook is real-life and Ryan and Rachel will be sucking rain water off of each other's faces in the end. Ain't no love like Canadian love.

This shit probably isn't true, but it still makes for the perfect triangle. Rachel McAdams is a wholesome-looking white angel with golden hair like a melted halo and Eva looks like an 80s soap opera villainess who can steal your man and half of your company in one day. I mean, she even dresses like Alexis Carrington (see: pictures of her outside of Letterman below). So that is why I will always wear a Team Eva t-shirt from Kitson (do they still sell that shit?).

It's been a while since the Internet's favorite panty creamer and the Internet's most hated woman reminded everyone that they're still bumping nipples. While some of us were eating post-Thanksgiving "forever alone" sandwiches (turkey, slices of cranberry jelly and gravy between two pieces of pumpkin pie), Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes (official Internet name: THAT BITCH) were strolling around NYC. When they weren't strolling around NYC, Ryan was making grannies "gush" in Broadway theaters.

Speaking of gushing grannies, anybody who didn't watch Extreme Cougar Wives on TLC last night missed this Blanche Devereaux meets Samantha Jones hotness:

My life idol Hattie said that she doesn't need KY, because she still gets the gushes down there naturally. Obviously, Hattie wasn't one of the grannies sitting next to Ryan Gosling in that theater, because if she was he would've dropped Eva's hand and picked hers up instead. No young dude can resist a slutty memaw who takes her teeth out before sex and can throw her precious prune flower up in the air.

Here's more of Ryan and Eva walking around NYC last night. That bitch Eva is just fucking with everyone now. She wore that ugly hat on purpose. Yes, Eva, we know that even though you look like a family of blueberries shat on your head, Ryan is still going to lick your butt at the end of the day.

At the Toronto International Film Festival last night, Eva Mendes (or as some of her Gosling-loving haters call her, "Evil MANlez") posed next to Canada's god Ryan Gosling (who can make a maple tree jizz out a gallon of syrup just by winking at it) and Bradley Cooper at the premiere of their movie The Place Beyond The Pines. Never mind that Ryan is dressed like the assistant manager of a restaurant at Knott's Berry Farm, I love that Eva's mouth is open in almost every single picture. It's like she's telling her haters to get a serious whiff of the scent of Ryan's taint (smells like maple syrup candy, the tears of an angel, cherry-flavored Clearly Canadian and poutine) wafting out of her mouth.

Yes, Eva and Ryan have the chemistry of a burnt out match and a puddle of tap water, but I still love the bitch eyes that she's throwing at hos. Let a trick know what's up by giving them a glare that says: "I know I look like a wax Cesar Romero in drag as Norma Desmond, but I still put my mouth on your pretend boyfriend every single night, bitch."

Ryan Gosling's mom, Donna, got her teacher's degree from Brock University in St. Catherine's, Ontario yesterday and like the good son he is, he showed up to the graduation ceremony and brought the human dagger in every fangirl's heart: EVIL MENDES! An official from Brock University told TheSpec that they knew about 30 minutes beforehand that Ryan was coming. That gave officials just enough time to pass around frozen panties to the girls and gays so that their genitals wouldn't explode into an orgasm sauce geyser as soon as he strutted in. The official said Ryan refused to take pictures with fans and tried to keep all the focus on his mommy.

“He didn’t want his celebrity status to distract from his mom’s big day and all of the other grads’ big day. He was very gracious and extremely aware of his own ability to create a distraction.”

Even though Ryan pulled some "no pictures, no pictures please" shit, one grad managed to get a picture of him and she posted it to her Instagram. I love Ryan's "I see you, but I'm going to pretend not to see you" face as much as I love Eva throwing one of her signature "Keep hating, bitches, because I'll be making the same happy face when your fake boyfriend massages my toes with his tongue later tonight!" smiles. Just like I do every time a new picture of Eva and Ryan comes out, I trolled the Internet to see what the commenters had to say. Of course, there were plenty of people calling Eva a Cesar Romero-faced piece of trash who will hopefully get struck down with an allergy to Canadian peen skin. Oh, I love the rage Eva puts in hos. I kind of hope Ryan and Eva will elope, so that I can sit back with a tub of maple syrup popcorn and watch as his fangirls do The Exorcist head spin in unison.

And Lainey says that Ryan and Eva have been driving around Eastern Canada. Eva brags about how she's fucked in every US State, so I'm guessing she's trying to achieve the same thing in Canada by fucking in every province. Here comes that fangirl rage....

You might want to check on the Ryan Gosling fangirl or fangay (Goshead? Gosloons? Godling Warriors?) in your life, because there's a good chance that when these pictures came out last night, they printed them out on paper, origami-ed that shit into a knife and stabbed themselves in their feeling place. They could be suffering from an untreated paper cut. Check on that.

The Urban Outfitters' answer to Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel strut strut strut their asses in front of the paparazzi in the East Village yesterday afternoon and confirmed that yup, they're still attaching themselves at the crotch when the lights go down. I saw these pictures on a couple of sites last night and the comments softly laughed me to sleep. A lot of the comments were straight hating on Eva Mendes. They called her a manly, never-was, washed-up, attention whoring, old piece of superficial trash who is slowly sucking the life out of a perfect, glistening god man (I'm paraphrasing). I love it!

You know, I've never really had it for Eva Mendes (her Joker brows make me want to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight and I don't like that feeling), but now I'm into her since she's the most hated woman on 2 out of 3 gossip blogs. That bitch knows it too. That look she's throwing above clearly says, "I see you hating on my genie pants, but I won't care when these genie pants are on the floor and I'm riding the boyfriend in your head, bitch!" Yeah, I got all of that out of that nothing look. I can barely read English, but I can read faces.

Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling have been putting the bang and cock in Bangkok for the past six weeks while he's shooting Only God Forgives and the picture above of them having a staring eye contest in a bar was taken only last week. (Note: Scientists have proven that if you have a staring eye contest with Ryan, you will automatically win, because you'll get so lost in the orgasm globe he calls eyes that you'll forget to blink.) But over the weekend, The Daily Mail said that Ryan and Eva did the Out of this World finger freeze on their relationship and he flew to South Africa to think. The news that Ryan Gosling is back on the market made hos freak out and caused a snapping vagina frenzy. But tell your pussy to calm itself, because both Lainey Gossip and USWeekly say that Eva and Ryan are still licking sweet chili sauce off of each other's nipples.

A witness told The Daily Mail that Ryan was spotted on a romantic dinner date in Cape Town with some blonde German model last week. Lainey says this is impossible since Ryan was in Bangkok every day last week.

I know, it's hard to believe that the literary journal of all things true The Daily Mail would ever EVER tell a lie. If The Daily Mail told me that a second anus hole grew on my taint, I'd immediately run out to buy a conjoined dicks vibrator. That's how much I believe them, so there has to be a reasonable explanation for this. Maybe Ryan Gosling has teleportation powers. Or maybe there's two Ryan Goslings on this planet, which means that doubles your chances at getting Gosling'ed. Okay, your chocha can start snapping again.

(Picture via @busypartyboy)

Where there's a Ryan Gosling covering his face with a Famous Monsters Magazine, there's a Joyce DeWitt look-alike who's trying to strap herself to his carry-on so he has no choice but to take her on a sky ride of love.

So yeah, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are still nibbling on each other's wet parts and suddenly they're all coy about it. Ryan and Eva spent their New Year's in NYC together, and when they showed up at JFK and arrived at LAX yesterday, they both had their faces covered like my one-night tricks when they leave my apartment in broad daylight. (Or like my family members preparing themselves for the rancid scent of invisible butt smoke when I reached for a fourth piece of pistachio cake at Christmas Day lunch.)

Either these whores have a spray of herp sores on their mouths or they're turning on the STUNT QUEEN moves for the holidays. Eva Mendes is really acting like the camera flashes down give her life and like she didn't e-mail all the paps her exact itinerary. Bitch, give George Costanza his hat back and get over yourself.

Although...if I was walking around with some dude wearing a trucker hat and the year wasn't 2003, I'd probably cover my mug out of embarrassment too.

The screeching sound of fangirls drowning their pressed emotions in the bloody tears that poured out of their eye holes did not get to Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes as they casually sashayed among the dead at the Pere Lachaise Cemetery in Paris yesterday. Crazed Gosling fangirls (Is there a name for them yet? Goslingers? Gos Warriors?) dug up graves with their bare claws, pulled the skeletons out and threw themselves in the coffins since there's no reason for them to live anymore now that Ryan is still with that scheming skank whore slut. But Ryan didn't seem notice, because the hipster dude shades on his face filters out all ugliness. Ryan stays cool at all times. It was just Ryan, his girl, dead people and the paparazzi that just so happened to be there at the same time.

Now, I'm not saying that this was a completely staged photo-op, but if you told me that one of those tombs was converted into Eva's make-up and wardrobe room, an emotion called shock would not fill my body. But Eva's selfish ass could've at least wore a green screen suit to make it easier for Ryan's fangirls to Photoshop themselves into these pictures. Holiday cards have been ruined because of that bitch!