Eva Mendes

Where there's a Ryan Gosling covering his face with a Famous Monsters Magazine, there's a Joyce DeWitt look-alike who's trying to strap herself to his carry-on so he has no choice but to take her on a sky ride of love.

So yeah, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are still nibbling on each other's wet parts and suddenly they're all coy about it. Ryan and Eva spent their New Year's in NYC together, and when they showed up at JFK and arrived at LAX yesterday, they both had their faces covered like my one-night tricks when they leave my apartment in broad daylight. (Or like my family members preparing themselves for the rancid scent of invisible butt smoke when I reached for a fourth piece of pistachio cake at Christmas Day lunch.)

Either these whores have a spray of herp sores on their mouths or they're turning on the STUNT QUEEN moves for the holidays. Eva Mendes is really acting like the camera flashes down give her life and like she didn't e-mail all the paps her exact itinerary. Bitch, give George Costanza his hat back and get over yourself.

Although...if I was walking around with some dude wearing a trucker hat and the year wasn't 2003, I'd probably cover my mug out of embarrassment too.

The screeching sound of fangirls drowning their pressed emotions in the bloody tears that poured out of their eye holes did not get to Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes as they casually sashayed among the dead at the Pere Lachaise Cemetery in Paris yesterday. Crazed Gosling fangirls (Is there a name for them yet? Goslingers? Gos Warriors?) dug up graves with their bare claws, pulled the skeletons out and threw themselves in the coffins since there's no reason for them to live anymore now that Ryan is still with that scheming skank whore slut. But Ryan didn't seem notice, because the hipster dude shades on his face filters out all ugliness. Ryan stays cool at all times. It was just Ryan, his girl, dead people and the paparazzi that just so happened to be there at the same time.

Now, I'm not saying that this was a completely staged photo-op, but if you told me that one of those tombs was converted into Eva's make-up and wardrobe room, an emotion called shock would not fill my body. But Eva's selfish ass could've at least wore a green screen suit to make it easier for Ryan's fangirls to Photoshop themselves into these pictures. Holiday cards have been ruined because of that bitch!

Over at UsWeekly, they have pictures of the struttin' Canadian Magic Kingdom we know as Ryan Gosling "canoodling" with Eva Mendes at Disneyland on Saturday night. Ryan and Eva are currently shooting that movie together where he plays a death eater trash version of Draco Malfoy who left the wizard world to work as a house painter by day and a scooter racer by weekend (see above). A source type says that Eva and Ryan have always been friends, but now that she's single and they're working together, their fuck parts are really heating up for each other. And they made that shit perfectly clear at Disneyland.

Yes, Ryan is still hard up on Disneyland the same way your lady nipples are hard up for him. I swear, if Ryan told me he wanted to take me to the happiest place on earth for some churro eatin', I'd be throwing a pissed look as soon as he got off on Katella Blvd. from the 57 freeway. Nothing kills a boner like the sight of Katella Blvd. UsWeekly had this to say about Ryan's latest union:

"They were very playful. Eva was skipping around like a little girl...She would lean into him and she held his arm the entire time."

And the sexy twosome did Disneyland right -- riding the Toy Story ride, the California Screamin' rollercoaster, a Little Mermaid adventure and the ferris wheel, snacking on churros, cotton candy and corn on the cob. "She fed him," the onlooker says.

When the hipster maple leaf wants to really make a lady feel special, he takes her to anywhere but Disneyland since he takes all of his tricks there. BlakeLivelyOliviaWildeRachelMcAdamsKikiDunstetc.. They've all held his hand as the Toy Story ride attendant said to him "Why hello there, Mr. Gosling. Right this way to your favorite car. You prefer the yellow cannon, am I correct?"

If Ryan ever asks you out on a date, just ask him for the Fast Pass into his pants so you can bypass all that wooing at Disneyland shit.

I'll wait here while your ovaries twirl out of your vagina and form a heart shape around this picture before exploding into a white mist that will dance on a wave of wind to Upstate New York and land on the bottom of Ryan Gosling's jeans. Yup, that's what that is. Ryan took a break from charming the lens off of cameras with his maple syrup smoothness to sit on the front porch and bottle feed a baby friend while making eyes that say, "Hit Ctl + Alt + Pinch all you want, but this isn't a dream."

Meanwhile, that baby doesn't know whether to keep guzzling down the bottle leche or to laugh at the fact that Draco Malfoy is now a hipster house painter in Upstate New York. How the Death Eaters have fallen!

Here's more of Ryan Malfoy on the set of The Place Behind The Pines with a baby actor and Eva Mendes (who is obviously bringing the constipated ugliness to try to win an Oscar) yesterday. You probably didn't read a word of that since you were too distracted by your womb sitting on your shoulder while whispering "Get me that" into your ear over and over again. Your womb is so fucking tacky!

Sean Penn and ScarJo are supposed to be broken up! The Internet told us so. But here they are together at last night's Spike TV Awards in L.A. One of two things is happening. Either People Magazine was talking about the OTHER ScarJo & Sean Penn breaking up and this ScarJo & Sean Penn are still doing it. Or ScarJo is only posing with Keith Richard's nutsack so hos won't say that they threw each other shade backstage. ScarJo might be saying to herself: "UGH! ScarJo! Thanks to your poor decisions, you have to stand here with this wrinkled old testicle face like everything's good and pretty! The next time you want to suck on an over-microwaved shriveled hot dog, suck on an over-microwaved shrivel hot dog instead of Sean Penn's dick. ARGH!" ScarJo says "ARGH" and "UGH" a lot, so I'm going to say that the latter is the true story behind this picture.

Here's a few more pictures from the awards show that gave awards to bitches for absolutely no reason. Sean Penn won something. So did Keith Richards and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston was pretty excited about winning that trophy. And not because she won something, but because she finally had something to hang her Cabbage Patch Kids' winter coats on!

In order: Aniston, Sean Penn, ScarJo, the hot sisters from The Fighter, Rosie Huntington-Whatever, Eva Mendes, Justin Timberlake, Minka Kelly, Ben Affleck, Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Keef Richards & Marky Mark.

Here's Melissa Leo at yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica dressed like a track home madam who is about to flee through the sliding back door of her DIY brothel in Palmdale after authorities received an anonymous tip that she's housing imported whores in her garage. Tell me that isn't a look that screams "You've got a $20, I've got a hand job ho for you!"

You know, I'm so sick of dumb asses declaring that Natalie Portman "is the girl to watch" at the Oscars tonight. Yeah, I've been watching the fashion moves of that Ivy League al dente noodle for months and it's about as exciting as taking the SATs with a No.2 pencil on a Saturday morning while completely sober. Bitch is fashion Ambien. But Melissa Leo on the other hand, that ho knows that the best accessory is always a giant coat of CRAZY. Melissa's look tells a damn story. Yes, that story airs on truTV several nights a week, but a story it still is! Natalie's basic ass looks like it was attacked by an exploding lemon danish. Next.

Click here to see the ISA winners if that's what you need and below is a bunch of pictures of everybody who gave pose on the grey carpet yesterday. In order: the best dressed of the night Melissa Leo, Prince Von A-Hole, Chuckie Finster with Warren Beatty, Rosario Dawson, Taye Diggs, Illeana Douglas, James Franco, Thierry Guetta, Saint Crazy's daughter, Baron Baby Wipes, Vera Farmiga, Dana Delany, Nicole Kidman, Diego Luna with Camila Sodi, Ewan McGregor about to take a pee pee, Eva Mendes, Natalie Portman, Aron Ralston, a drunk Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo with a hand full of Sunrise, Zoe Saldana, Lea Thompson, Kerry Washington and Naomi Watts with Liev Schreiber.

This time last year, Vanilla Gorilla was making the award show rounds with Sandra Bullock, right before the Bombshit McGee hit the fan, and here he is back in his monkey suite with Kat Von D at the The Art of Elysium charity gala in L.A. last night. And Vanilla Gorilla still looks like he's in the middle of an embalming fluid colonic and the technician is like, "HOLD IT IN!!!" Just uncomfortable as all hell.

Kat Von D, wearing a dress so tight I can see the outline of her labia tattoo, is all over his ass and he's just standing there as stiff as an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette poster hanging over a hillbilly's trailer toilet. It's like he'd rather be at temple than in front of the camera. But not Kat Von D. Bitch is loving it. She wants you to talk about the ring on her LOOKIMNOTENGAGEDIMJUSTLOOKINGFORFUCKINGATTENTION finger. Moving on...

You know, The Art of Elysium gala should have temporarily changed its name to the Art of Asylum gala, because bitches looked straight-up CRAZY last night. Julia Stiles was greasy and bloated for no reason. Unless her reason is that she's pregnant with a pizza slice from Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously, you can wring out a slice of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and have enough lube to last night you the rest of the year.

But nobody brought the crazy last night the way Rachel Griffiths (below left) did. Rachel was in Six Feet Under, so she usually gets a free pass from me, but I cannot ignore this disaster. Bitch, Jane Child (below right), YOU ARE NOT.

Leave the frizzy Beeker mullets to the professionals! Rachel was definitely trying to summon the second coming of Jane Child, but she looked more like Billy Ray Cyrus at his audition for the role of Magua in The Last of the Mohicans. Rachel, meditate more or fire your hair stylist so this never happens again.

Here's a few others at last night's event including: Kat Von D with VG, Rachel Ray Cyrus with her husband Andrew Taylor, DEVO!!!!, Eva Mendes, Kiki Dunst, Rachel Bilson, Leighton Meester, Nicole Richie, Amber Heard, James Franco, Camilla Belle with Jakey, Julia Stiles, Gerard Butler, Jennifer Hate Hewitt and Kelly Osbourne.

Natalie Portman's baby brewing area is going to grow into thousands of pixels before our very eyes in the next few weeks as she accepts Best ActressWhatever at every awards show for her performance in Mother May I Sleep With Mila Kunis? and last night she collected one of her first at the Critics' Choice Movie Awards. (Click here for all the winners)

Actually, let me snatch that back. Natalie is probably not going to win at The Christina Hendricks Awards tomorrow since they will find some way to sneak St. Angie into the Best Actress - Drama category at the last second. They will say that St. Angie's performance in The Tourist is covered with so many layers that she's worthy of comedy, drama and animation awards. They are up on her halo like that. So, Natalie, stay home in your Zac Posen pajama jeans tomorrow, because that shit is not yours to take.

But last night, Natalie wore that shit to accept her trophy. It sorts of looks like a motel bed sheet held up with electrical tape and that sounds like a hot look on paper, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too busy slobbering over that trophy to make a concrete decision. Every single trophy resembles a dildo to me and that one looks like it was manufactured by Krypton's most well-respected dick toy makers. Get me one!

Here's a few more pictures from last night's show. In oooorder: Natalie Hershlag, Yanni Christian Bale, Emma Stone, Jon Hamm, Dr. Kevorkian (????), Julianne Moore, Tilda Swinton, Melissa Leo, Michelle Williams, Ryan Gosling, Senorita Jokerface, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban, Jeremy Renner, Lisa Rinna Helena Bonham Carter and Annette Bening with Warren Beatty.

Eva Mendes has accomplished a lot in life. I'm not talking about all the movies she's been in or all the "most sexiest" lists she's been on, I'm talking about the fact that she's fucked in all 50 states.

Eva said: "I’ve had sex in all 50 states. A lot of it was on a road trip I took when I was younger." She said she had the best sex in Arizona and Colorado. "Maybe it was the clear air, or the quiet, or the endless sky... whatever it was, it was really, really good.” And what about the worst? She said Alaska. “I’d really like a do-over on that state." Levi Johnston, put your hand down! You're not available.

Many of us haven't even been to all 50 states, let alone done sexy times in it. Eva is a true American hero! I'm sure her parents have a bumper sticker that reads: "My daughter got fucked in all 50 states. Yee-haw!" My parents would!

Source

Eva Mendes checked her hot ass into Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab facility last January for "personal issues." Star Magazine (via SF Gate) claims Eva was actually researching a film role. Eva plays a Spanish drug lord in the movie "Queen of the South." Her character flees Mexico for Spain when her drug-runner boyfriend is murdered. Errr.....what does this have to do with rehab?

An acting coach told the magazine, "It's not unusual at all for an actor or actress to go to the extreme of checking into rehab to prepare for a character. In fact, I would encourage that for my students, because you want to fully immerse yourself in the role."

Nice try, Eva. If this is true, she checked herself into the wrong joint. The bitch really should have gone undercover in an acting school.

Hopefully, she'll play Charles Manson in her next movie and check into prison for a long ass time in order to "research" the role.