Ashton Kutcher

I know this picture looks like it was taken at a douchebag rodeo, but it was taken at the Stagecoach Musical Festival in Indio, CA yesterday. The Stagecoach Musical Festival is country music's answer to Coachella and they throw it on the same grounds where Coachella is thrown. So I'm guessing that somewhere on those grounds, Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens woke up from the molly-coke-peyote-induced coma that she fell into last weekend and wondered why in the hell is everyone wearing cowboy hats with their coochie cutters instead of floral headbands with their coochie cutters?

Anyway, TMZ says that Ashton Kutcher was there yesterday, but he wasn't there for long, because he left after getting into it with a security guard. Their source says that Kutchie was watching Nick 13 and Dwight Yoakam from the VIP area when he spotted someone he probably knew and went over to greet the chick. For some reason, the security guard didn't like this move and came at Kutchie and the chick.

The source says that the security guard started shoving Kutchie and the chick, and he shoved the security guard back. They kept shoving each other and Ashton's friends tried to pull him away. If you're wondering what that fight looked like, just throw a bunch of used douche bottles into a dryer and turn it on.

After Ashton and the security guard angrily bumped nipples for a bit, he left the festival. TMZ's source says that the security guard started it and was the one at fault.

Since Ashton is a shameless slut and has stuck his peen in nearly every California trick from Del Norte to El Centro, I'm going to guess that the security guard's girlfriend was one of his side tricks and that's why shit got serious. But shoving, Ashton, really? Pfft. Ashton's ex-father Bruce Willis would've had that security guard on the ground in zero point five seconds just by flinching at that ho.

And should I be disgusted with myself for thinking that Kutchie looks hot in a cowboy hat?

After Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore broke up over a year ago, she's been busy doing the rehab thing, riding the beat, pouncing on young pieces and living the life, so she really hasn't had time to file for divorce. When Ashton filed for divorce around Christmas, Demi shredded those papers up, stuffed them in her bong, took a few puffs and kept partying like it's spring break forever! But Demi finally put her cougar coochie in hibernation and sat down with her lawyers to fill out her own divorce papers. Demi finally filed today and in the papers she basically says that she wants the accountants at Two and a Half Men to deposit Ashton's checks into her checking account from now on, thankyouverymuch.

TMZ says that Demi isn't only asking for alimony, but she wants Ashton to pay her attorney's bill too. Ashton is the highest-paid actor in television and made $24 million last year, but apparently Demi Moore has way more money than him. I thought Demi blew all her money on lipo, tequila and young dick, so this is new information to me. Never underestimate the force of G.I. Jane residuals.

Demi's lawyers and Ashton's lawyers are currently trying to work out a settlement and TMZ doesn't think she's going to get a dime since her bank account bulges more than his does.

Nermal-faced philosopher Lil' Kim once said, "Why spend mines, when I can spend yours?" That's exactly what Demi is doing. Ashton Kutcher stuck his wandering douche dick in every 20-something trick from Escondido to Sacramento and so she's getting his ass back. Nothing will get the taste of his side pieces' twat juices out of Demi's mouth like gargling on the tears that will flow down Ashton's face when he has to write her an alimony check every month. No, Demi doesn't deserve alimony, but if she can get it, why not? If she does, she can pull a Brandi Glanville and use Ashton's money to de-Kutcherize her coochie by reupholstering it.

Here's Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis at the Lakers game at the Staples Center in L.A. last night and there's a good reason for why she looks like she's smelling random coochie fumes wafting off of his crotch. Sara Leal, the side trick who Ashton cheated on Demi Moore with, is telling Star Magazine (via HL) that his wandering peen is still wandering from side ho to side ho and one of his side hos is her friend's friend's friend.

Sara says that not too long ago one of her friends (let's call her my favorite name Concepcion) showed her a picture that Concepcion's friend (let's call her my other favorite name Chardonnay) sent her. The picture was of Ashton Kutcher in his pajamas and Chardonnay claims that her friend (let's call her my other other favorite name Everleigh) took it, because Everleigh is doing him part-time. Sara tells Star that she didn't totally believe Chardonnay at first, but Chardonnay has been inside of Ashton's house in L.A. when he was there with Everleigh. Sara put it like this:

“It could just be an innocent picture, but I think it’s also possible he’s not dating Mila exclusively. Not just because of that photo, but because he’s cheated before. That would definitely be a red flag for me, if I were dating someone who’d cheated on their wife. I would hate for Mila to have the same experience as Demi. I wouldn’t wish that situation on anyone. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If I were Mila, I’d be careful."

So to recap: Sara thinks Ashton is fucking around on Mila, because she saw a picture of him in his pajamas that Everleigh sent to Chardonnay who sent to Concepcion who showed it to Sarah. CONFUSING! Let's make this simple: Ashton is doing Mila, Concepcion, Everleigh, Chardonnay and everybody else, because he is a slut who can't stop slutting. There, glad we could clear that up.

And more importantly, is that Shia LaBeouf's goddess of a mother next to that slut Ashton?

Much like the newspaper boy from Better Off Dead, Demi wants her $2.00. FOUR WEEKS, TWENTY PAPERS, THAT'S TWO DOLLARS, PLUS TIP. Even though her ass is by far richer and more plasticized than Ashton Kutcher, the hold up in Dummy Demi Moore filing for divorce according to TMZ is her need for some of Ashton's cash. Okay, in our Ramen Noodle, store brand bread and Pabst Blue Ribbon worlds, Ashton is fabulously wealthy (yes, I just typed Ashton and fabulous in the same sentence, and yes, you should slap the shit out of me for that) but when you look at Demi's net worth, you see that #getmoneybitch doesn't really apply here. It's like Donald Trump rolling the valet for his $75 in tips for the day. Bitter much?

Sources say that they can't agree on the settlement, and she wants a fat one (don't we all?) like the one she got when she divorced Bruce Willis. Even though she is loaded in more ways than one, she's not just going to cut her losses and walk away like that!! In Ashton's dreams. While he has Mila Kunis on the one side screaming "Get rid of that funky chicken dancing bitch or no more pussy popping for YOU!" he has Demi on the other side screaming...well, some unintelligible shit because she's wasted on whippits and Red Bull. But the point of her screams is supposed to be DIDN'T ASK FOR A DIME....TWO! DOLLARS!!

It will be another six months until the divorce can be finalized, so we should be plenty sick of laughing at Demi's toddler rompers and dance NOs that make Lenny Kravitz and the rest of us cringe by then. GIRL, or more to the point, WOMAN who hasn't seen "girl" since the late 80's, please. Collect the shards of your dignity, quit acting like a spoiled little bitch, and find someone at least a little handsome to try to make Ashton jealous. NO. Seriously, I'm tired of being secondarily embarrassed for you Demi. Just act like a normal jaded slut, slash his tires, and MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.

Being the (*prepare for eye roll*) caring gentleman that Ashton Kutcher is (*aaaaaaaand roll*), he waited an entire year for Demi Moore to file for divorce, because something about dignity and he felt she should do the honors. But because Demi has been too busy eating and spitting out 20-something dick to even think about filing divorce papers, Ashton Kutcher did it himself in Los Angeles today. Merry Christmas, Demi! Or if she's still wearing the red string, Happy Kabbalakuh, Demi!

People says that Ashton blamed their divorce on "irreconcilable differences" and he doesn't want any spousal support and he doesn't want Demi to get any either. TMZ says that Ashton wants to wait to figure out how they should split up their property.

So Ashton will most likely spend Christmas with his head buried in Mila Kunis' crotch.... And since Demi is boy toy-free and the Tater Sisters hate her right now, she's going to spend Christmas Eve in the inside of a dive bar in the San Fernando Valley where she'll drunkenly dance in the corner by herself to a Jimmy Buffett song while winking at the 22-year-old barback. It's going to be Demi's best Christmas ever!

Judging by the "It's seeping through my scarf, you nasty motherfucker" side-eye that Mila Kunis is throwing at Ashton Kutcher, it was totally him and it totally reeked like 5-day-old enema water and vinegar. Yes, so that's why Demi Moore starts screaming, "WHY DID HE HAVE TO LEAVE ME? WHY????!", halfway through her weekly coochie and culo colonic.

Mila Kunis is in Rome, Italy shooting some movie called Third Person and her latest bad decision Ashton Kutcher is there with her ass. Mila and Ashton have been spending their time in Rome looking miserable, eating, looking miserable, eating, look miserable and eating. People says they went to a restaurant on Sunday night and I don't know how People did it, but they managed to get a hold of the EXCLUSIVE details of Mila and Ashton's meal. Forget Elmo's demise, The New York Times should be covering this instead:

At dinner, the pair ordered a number of the restaurant's specialties, including Parma ham crudo and mozzarella, eggplant parmigiana, mini beef sliders, pasta with chickpeas, a salad with marinated anchovies and much more. They also saved room for dessert: a thousand layer pastry with cream and fresh berries. And the couple washed down their meal with a bottle of red wine.

Oh okay, add "and a hint of marinated anchovies" to my description of Ashton's butt queef smell.

You know that sick, insecure feeling you get when you roll up to your piece's job (or drive thru, whatever) and get a look at their hotter than you coworker? And there they are, doing teamwork shit and laughing, and being way too close to each other you're trying to wish that bitch away like the kid in Creepshow? And then you break up later and he starts humping on said piece, or maybe they'd been boning in the walk in cooler all along? Well US says that Demi Moore is just like us, except with a lot more money and a lot less sense.

An insider named Demi tells US Magazine that Demi has the sads that her almost ex Ashton Kutcher and his old 70's Show castmate Mila Kunis are doing it. DUH. I'd like to throw some shade, but I kind of feel sorry for her ass. It has to suck to work so hard tweeting bikini pics of yourself, getting fillers, doing chicken dances and all that only to have to hand your hubby over to THAT SHADY WORK BITCH in the end. I just hope she can put it in perspective, realize that this is fucking KELSO we're talking about and just be glad that Mila took that stank trash to the curb for her.

Demi needs to throw on her best fuck me pumps, down a couple of Red Bulls, huff a can of whipped cream and get her sad ass back on the stroll. As all old hoes know, the best way to get over a piece is to get under a new one.

Demi Moore recovered from her Whip-Its overdose. Ashton Kutcher realized he made mistakes. They both privately realized that the interest over his cheating, their split, and her meltdown had faded AND SOMETHING NEEDED TO BE DONE. So they're giving off signs that they're getting back together. Hopefully Twitter knows enough to slit UP its wrists and not across.

Radar says that @aplusk and the former @mrskutcher attended the birthday party of one of their Kabbalah leaders, Rabbi Yehuda Berg. While there, they shared an "emotional 60-second embrace". Come now. Demi was just searching his pockets to see if he was holding, and Ashton was just dry-humping. Dude will stick his goofy dick anywhere. Apparently, they chatted for awhile and Demi was said to be staring at him like "a love-sick puppy". We can all sign off on the "sick" part.

During the party, guests stood up to speak about how awesome the rabbi is (sounds like a good time) and Ashton is said to have started regretting shit when he got up.

Ashton gave a speech at Kabbalah Rabbi Yehuda Berg’s 40th birthday party and teared up when he said “I’ve made all these horrendous mistakes in the last year.”

A guest at the party said “Ashton’s voice started to break as he spoke. He just fell into tears. He sat down to a round of applause while Demi just looked frozen.”

The "mistakes" he was talking about include fucking a slut on his sixth anniversary without having her sign a NDA first, and not being there to Tweet pics of Demi seizing after Redi-Whip overpowered her. Demi wasn't "frozen", that's just her face.

If they DO get back together, can Ashton handle the bathroom bikini photoshoot duties this time? Sit down, Ma.

There must be some kind of mind-altering chemical in Popchips, because they somehow decided that a good way to spend their marketing budget is to make some dumbass viral starring human douche bottle Ashton Kutcher as a bunch of characters including an Indian dude (complete with brownface and Mike Myers' Love Guru accent), a British hippie type and an albino vampire I know isn't supposed to be Kunty Karl. This shit is not only a mess, but Ashton's brownface is offending lots and lots and lots of people. A spokeswhore for Popchips tells The Hollywood Reporter that they aren't trying to offend and they love snackers of all races ( <-- THE FUCK?):

"The new popchips worldwide dating video and ad campaign featuring four characters was created to provoke a few laughs and was never intended to stereotype or offend anyone. At popchips we embrace all types of shapes, flavors and colors, and appreciate all snackers, no matter their race or ethnicity. We hope people can enjoy this in the spirit it was intended."

Let me try to put this as eloquently as I can... Fuck Popchips for tasting like freeze dried Styrofoam popcorn. Fuck this ad for being this ad and having Ashton Kutcher in it. Fuck Ashton Kutcher for being Ashton Kutcher and for thinking he can duplicate the Death Eaters glamour of Kunty Karl. And fuck that adorable chihuahua for using its extra long tongue to lick on that nasty ass Popchip.

Mila Kunis let out a capital N-O over a week ago after the rumor started that she had an all-naked That '70s Show reunion with Ashton Kutcher. Mila said the same shit you say when your friend accuses you of scooting your goods all over the town douche: We're just friends! We just drink tea together. Well, People says that over the weekend, Mila and Ashton spent three days together in Carpinteria, CA. During the three days, they ate sushi, bought flowers and had coffee, so yeah they're totally bumping nipples. Some source close to Ashton tells People that he has always farted hearts out of his eyes for Mila:

"He was so in love with her for a while when they worked together. He thought she was a goddess, was always talking about how beautiful she is. But she was with Macaulay [Culkin] for a lot of that time and also just generally gave off a not interested vibe. It never happened, but I'm not surprised by this – at all."

Ashton Kutcher is a certified asshole, but he's hot on the outside, so I totally understand that Mila wants to ride that shit until her poon lips fall off, but she needs to keep denying. Just deny, deny, deny away no matter what the media asks.

Media: Are you dating Ashton Kutcher?
Mila: No, we're just friends. This best friends forever half-heart pendant is from him and he's wearing the other half. Fuck buddies do not give each other BFF half-heart pendants. That's gross.

Media: Then why does your breath smell like a clean pussy?
Mila: Because I gargle with Massengill. If it's good enough for my vagina, it's good enough for my mouth.

Media: But we have these pictures of you with Ashton's peen in your mouth.
Mila: Talk about getting blown (no pun intended) out of proportion! We were having a sleepover and I forgot to bring my toothbrush. As a good friend, Ashton knows how much I care about dental hygiene, so he put Crest on his peen and let me brush my teeth with it. Do you expect me to use his toothbrush? Gross again!

Seriously, if you don't admit it, it didn't happen! And here's a few pictures from last week of Ashton trolling around NYC with a lady who isn't Mila Kunis. I'm only posing these stupid pictures, because Ashton's sweater looks like one of those delicious neopolitan candies.