Ashton Kutcher

At least somebody was in the mood for love (in the form of a greasy grope from an obese producer who promises to get you a part in the next Bradley Cooper movie) at last night's Valentine's Day premiere in Hollywood. I really have no idea who this Anna Kulinova swan is, but it doesn't really matter. Googling her name is not going to make me relive all the emotions I felt when I first laid eyes upon her in this stunning frock. This is the true meaning of VD (Valentine's Day)!

I doubt Jennifer Garner, Jessica Beeeeehl or any of the other boring Js at this movie premiere spent their entire night making a figure skating costume out of old taffeta found in the trash can outside of Bobby Trendy's condo and a Fredrick's teddy. Barney's does not carry a dress that makes your nipples look like they are bleeding lace. This is a one-of-a-kind creation!

And you know what makes Anna even more special? The fact that she's smiling like she has no idea her shoes don't match at all! The cab driver must have been one inpatient motherfucker, because he forced Anna to grab a random pair of shoes from her stripper roommate's closet. She wears them beautifully.

Here's more of Anna and the people who only showed up to bask in the glory of her beauty. They are: MiserAlba, Garcelle Beauvais, an overdressed Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Barbara Eden, Jennifer Garner, McSteamy and Noxzema Girl, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutchie with Demi Moore, Shirley Maclaine, Julia Roberts, Emma Roberts and a bronzer-faced B.Coop.

Long before January Jones was on Mad Men, she dated Mr. Demi Moore himself Ashton Kutcher. In the new issue of GQ, January says that Ashton pissed all over her dreams of an acting career by telling her to quit because she was never going to make it.

January said, "He was not supportive of my acting. He was like, 'I don't think you're going to be good at this.' So—fuck you! He only has nice things to say now—if anything, I should thank him. Because the minute you tell me I can't do something, that's when I'm most motivated."

Yes, acting advice from the dumbass who was in Dude, Where's My Car?. This just proves that you should never open up your ear to Ashton. The dude may be a hot piece (depending on how stoned you are), but dirty douchewater tends to pour out of his mouth regularly.

Open up your vagina hole to Ashton, but don't open up your ear hole. The latter is way too painful.

And here's January showing Ashton what's what by showing off her titty balls. Even though she's bringing the chichiness, these pictures aren't that great. January looks a little bored. Hell, even her boobies look bored.

The White House Correspondents' Dinner was last night in DC and it looked like they put the invite on Facebook, because hos who had no business being there showed up to clink flutes with the President. By the looks of who showed up, this looks more like the White Castle Correspondents' Dinner. How did some of these trollops get in? I'm sure there were a lot of discarded caterer suits in the back hallway, because that's how most of them snuck in. Flat Stanley is the only bitch who deserved a chair at this dinner!

Okay, okay, some of these hos belonged, but only like 99.999999%. See for yourself. In order: Flat Stanley (with date Ed Westwick), Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Mariska Hargitay, Trudie Styler, Sting, Jon Bon Jovi, Amy Polar Bear, Natasha Bedingfield, Ty Ty Baby, Eva Longwhoria, Ricky Schroeder, Tommy Girl, a middle-aged alien robot wearing one of Barbara Bush's old ones, Kara DioSTFU, James Franco, Chace Crawford (who can't believe he's that close to boobies), Glenn Close, the baddest Monday-To-Friday-er in the room Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Porkme, a tranny zombie wearing a blonde wig and STAINS' twin brother. See what I mean?

This is the thing about Ashton Coochie, if bitch just stood there, kept the sexy still and refrained from opening up his mouth hole to deliver words covered in asshole juices, my peen hole would serenade him with a lust song. But Ashton just can't help himself. The douche gene runs rampant in his system. He has to talk. It would probably be like doing myself with a tampon and the last time I tried that as a dare, it didn't end well. There's still a stain on the carpet that won't come out. Fuck, I'm joking. Okay, I'm not.

But seriously, Ashton would be the type to fart and laugh while he's doing you or give his peen a "voice" while you're trying to blow him.

That being said, I'd hit it with a maxi-pad stuffed in his mouth.

Here's Ashy working that crotch on a chain while filming some shit show in France.

Welcome to the real word, Asshole Kutcher. Little Ashton Kutcher posted a video this morning of him crying and whining after the construction workers next door woke him from his baby sleep at 7:30 in the morning. Ashy bitched that he's been dealing with it for six months and then called his neighbor a "jackass" and a "dickweed." I don't know who he's calling a jackass with that hat on.

After his video douche rant, Ashy took to updating his Twitter about the situation. He said his "SOB owl feces cougar placenta jack bone dick" was polluting the whole neighborhood with the noise.

Ashy's neighbor told TMZ that he's just acting "silly." You hear that, Ashy? You are silly! The man added that according to laws or something he has the right to start construction at 7 in the morning. The dude claims Ashton's dick bag kingdom took 10 years to build and everyone in the neighborhood had to put up with the noise.

Ashy later twittered that it was all a joke and he didn't really mean it, "I'm not saying im not pissed at the banging but common." Yeah, everyone. COMMON! Please, you know the dumb bitch just felt stupid that everyone was laughing at him for being such a whiny fool.

If he wants to hear real noise, he should move to fucking NYC. Recently I got woken up at 3 in the morning by some bitch on the street who was screaming that someone stole her pet ferret! No joke. Did I get weepy about it? No. I stuck my ears plugs in, blasted my dream soundtrack and continued dreaming about Rojo Caliente gently combing my hair.

And how long have we put up with the noise pollution coming out of Ashton's mouth hole? Yeah, consider this payback.

Justin Timberfake wants everyone to know that he's the tool responsible for bringing the nauseating trucker cap trend to the masses. He told Fashion Rocks (via Marc Malkin), “It’s funny. I keep hearing Ashton Kutcher say how he was responsible for trucker caps. I’ve heard him make that statement before. Trace and I were wearing them when we were seventeen."

Hos have been wearing fugly ass trucker caps since the beginning of time. Jesus even wore one. Seriously, the fact that Justin wants credit for that ugly shit confirms his status as one of the biggest twats in history.

I'd rather wear a (DO NOT CLICK) diseased penis (DON'T) on my head than a nasty trucker cap.

The coffee might have not kicked in yet, so it could just be me, but something is off about these pictures of Demi Moore. The woman is usually the hottest cougar in the room. Ashton Kutcher's fugness is probably reflecting onto her. He's slowly sucking the hot (thanks to $500,000 worth of plastic surgery) out of her. It's divorce time. When someone starts fucking with your looks, the marriage is over.

I still don't know what she sees in his hairy ass (and you know that shit is hairy). Seriously, he probably poops out hair balls. I know the woman isn't dickmatized. Ashton totally has taquito dick. It's short, skinny and full of cheese.

Wait....is 45-year-old Demi knocked up? Ack! She sort of has that pregnant bloat. Well, she can't do much worse than the first batch.

Here's coyote boy and Demi at the 7th Annual Chrysalis Butterfly Ball last night.