Solange

When President Obama strutted down the aisle at the State of the Union Address last night, I was wondering why his main back-up dancers, Beyonce and Oprah, weren't sashaying behind him. But now I know why. The Empresses of the United States had something more important to do. They had to sashay down the red carpet at the premiere of Beyonce's HBO Beyoncementary Life Is Butter Dreams in NYC.

I don't know which one isn't worthy enough to be in the presence of the other one? If the Queen of the World, Beyonce, is standing next to the other Queen of the World, Oprah, which one is the true reigning Queen of the World in that picture? If a diamond is shining bright like a star next to a star shining bright like a diamond, which one is shining brighter? If a 9 inch dick is lying next to another 9 inch dick in front of me, which one do I lick first? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I see Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand in the same picture. These are the questions that keep me up at night.

As Jay-Z, a face-snatched Tina Knowles and a pant-less Basement Baby (I think her wig ate her pants) got on their knees and prayed, Beyonce and Oprah created an infinite holy light by posing together for the paps at the Life Is Buttocks Cream premiere. If I look hard enough, I think I see hairs sticking out of Beyonce's pits, but there's no way those hairs grew out of her body. Beyonce is as naturally smooth as Gayle King's freshly waxed taint (it's just how O likes it). Beyonce is obviously wearing a lace front armpit wig. Yeah, I'm sure Beyonce stole that idea from a picture she saw on somebody's Pinterest page, but when lace front armpit wigs become the must-have accessory of 2013, we'll all have Beyonce to thank for it.

Kanye Kardashian (née West) played a little game of "One Of These Things Is Not The Other" when he tweeted this "FAM" (real-talk translation: "VOM") picture yesterday of him, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Kum Kuntrashian. It's like the Illuminati's version of Mount Rushmore. Speaking of dark-sided acts of evil, to create this FAM portrait of grossness, Kanye had to use the crop tool to crop out one of Beyonce's actual family members. Here's the original picture:

Yes, bitch used Photoshop to erase Basement Baby's existence. Poor Basement Baby. When BB's weak from only eating a diet of moth balls and insulation foam, and has finally reached the top basement stair after using all of her strength to crawl up there, the only person she had to worry about opening the door to push her back down was Beyonce. But now Basement Baby has to worry about Kanye West kicking her back down too. Fuck Kanye for cropping the wrong trick out. Kanye should've kropped that skank Kim out instead. I mean, Kim has a place at the adult table and Solange still has to sit at the children's table? This is colder than the time Tina Knowles had to wrap up one of Beyonce's old wigs because she forgot to get BB a present for Christmas.

And speaking of grossness, TMZ has pictures of the $11 million house that Kanye and Kim bought in Bel Air. They're spending even more millions on turning the 10,000 square foot house into a 14,000 square foot Italian-style villa. The extra 4,000 feet is to house Kim's ass and both of their egos.

via Gawker

It's only been eight months since the reincarnation of Jesus was born and named after a Central Florida strip club, but Hollywood Life is saying that the makers of Creme de la Mer diaper cream and chinchilla bibs are getting ready for more orders, because Beyonce and Jay-Z are having another chosen child of the 1%. Beyonce went to a restaurant in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan a couple of nights ago and if you tilt your head, squint your eyes and try to imagine smelling the scent of sweat gathered under a first trimester baby pillow, you sort of see a bump there...but not really. Beyonce's probably just clenching her stomach to push out an after-dinner fart.

Some source also tells Media Takeout that Beyonce is about 3 months knocked up and will have her second kid sometime in the spring and will probably name it Thistle Hibiscus (the color blue and plants are so 2012). But Tina Knowles tells Access Hollywood that tabloid reporters shouldn't run to Tribeca to knock on every apartment door hoping to find a pregnant South American surrogate, because Beyonce's Tempur-Pedic baby pillows are still hanging in her closet and she's not pregnant, but "it’s gonna happen when it’s time, but not right now.”

Normally, I wouldn't trust one word coming out of Tina Knowles' mouth, because she promised eternal happiness to Ariel and we all know what happened there, but I believe her this time. If Beyonce was expecting another chosen one, she wouldn't make it be known by flashing a tiny bump at a restaurant in Washington Heights! Beyonce would stay hidden for months and then on the night of the presidential inauguration ball in January, she'd put on a Lady Liberty costume, sit on a giant bald eagle and wave as she's lowered onto the stage. As soon as her foot stepped onto the stage, she'd rip off her gown to unveil a giant bump with an American flag (but instead of stars, there'd be tiny Beyonce & Jay-Z heads on the blue part) painted on it. When Beyonce announces shit, Beyonce ANNOUNCES shit.

Although, Basement Baby went to an amfAR gala in Milan the other night and she did look like she was carrying a baby up in her afro....

The dude in the tux who looks like he just inhaled a stank cloud of dirty ass blowing at him from his left IS saying it all with his face.

At last night's BET Awards, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Kanye Kardashian (née West) all held court in the front row while Kim Kardashian sat there like the loser outcast trying to get the popular kids to look at her. This is what it would look like if a celebwhore was forced to spend a full hour with a Make-A-Wish kid and that Make-A-Wish kid was a real asshole. Seriously, this looks like Beyonce is doing charity work she really doesn't want to be doing.

The side-eyes, laughs and the "if I fake smile big enough nobody will notice that I'm grossed out by that trash heap heffa whore" facial expressions from Beyonce and Jay-Z were almost more hilarious than Jay-Z wearing one of Pee-wee Herman's old suits. But Beyonce did try to include Kim in their royal Illuminati triangle. It was nice of Beyonce to make Kim feel at home by wearing a dress the color of piss. Jay-Z however, didn't even try. When Jay-Z and Kanye won Best Video or some shit, Jay-Z reached into his pocket, pulled out a Post-it with "KICK ME" written on it and stuck that shit on Kim's back:

And it's a sad, sad day when a photographer crops Basement Baby out of the picture to make way for Kim's ass. Nothing hurts more than getting kicked back down the basement stairs by a Kuntrashian.

The CFDA Awards (which are like the Golden Globes of fashion since the Barbizon graduates fashion show is the Oscars of fashion, duh) were held in NYC last night and the modern day Grady Twins slithered onto the red carpet to almost touch nipples for the photographers while slyly smirking. I was taught in catechism class to never trust an evil Olsen's smirk, but these pictures of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen aren't making the slivers of my soul cry. For once, they don't totally look like they're chewing on the cartilage of baby squirrels while killing us softly with their eyes. They kind of look like the Marilyn and Lily Munster in all-lemur production of The Munsters. And yes, I'm typing this all with one hand while holding a crucifix dipped in holy water at my monitor. I still don't trust those bitches even if they look human now.

Since Mary-Kate Olsen is trying to become the grown up Queen of France, or some shit, she went for a more sophisticated (or as my cousin says it, "sophistimicated") look by dying her hair the color of her soul. I read a comment on another site that said by dying her hair brown, MKO is trying to look like a young Carla Bruni. Ho, please. The only way MKO could look like Carla Bruni is if she crawled into Carla's mouth and took over her body. I shouldn't give that Trollsen any ideas.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's Golden Globes of fashion. In order: The Trollsens with Lauren Hutton, Marc Jacobs with his porn piece, Karen Elson, Pharrell Williams (dressed like Little Lord WTF), John Waters with guest, Phil Collins' daughter, a stunning spider woman beauty, Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Titty, Heather Graham, Zoe Saldana, Mandy Moore, Chupa, Michelle Harper and Basement Baby.

To celebrate her fourth wedding anniversary with the world, Beyonce opened the doors to her Tumblr Shrine to Beyonce today and gave you the gift of HER!!!! I see Beyonce trying to outshine the resurrection of Jesus. Beyonce's Tumblr has a video (above) of her going on about some blue ivy tree (Fun Fact: That tree was later cut down and the wood was used to make the Blue Ivy decoy doll Beyonce carries around.) and then there's dozens of pictures of her being fancy and rich and shit.

There's Beyonce on a yacht. There's Beyonce posing in front of Basement Baby's front door. There's Beyonce posing in front of bottles of diamond water. There's Beyonce on a private jet, and finally there's Beyonce in front of a MaybachRollsRoyceBentleyWhatever. My eyes did start to slightly turn green like Beyonce's Tumblr was Samantha Brick and I was a homely ass woman, but then I came across a picture of Beyonce with GOOP. Travel on the East River Ferry or travel on a private yacht with GOOP? I'll take the East River Ferry. GOOP is a deal breaker.

On the left is Gloria Carter, a woman who is letting nature happen to her face. In the middle is Beyonce, a woman who officially owns the trademark for the color blue (which is why if you're wearing blue™, you should find a lawsuit from her team of lawyers in your lap in 3..2..it's there) and a woman who looks absolutely beautiful for someone who carried a temper-pedic baby pillow for 9 WHOLE months! And on the right is the latest eliminated Mogwai from Gizmo's Drag Race. The hell kind of gremlin trickery did Mama Tina do to her face? I know your instinct is to throw water at her, but don't or she'll multiply!

Mama Tina's cheeks look like they're pregnant with two throbbing demon seeds. Mama Tina's eyebrows look like the hairy horns of Satan that were thrown on her face to terrorize us on earth. Mama Tina's whole face looks like it's possessed by the blood (aka Botox) of Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Mama Tina slithered out of her Lair of Dereon last night to join Gloria Carter, Beyonce and Basement Baby at an Obama re-election fundraiser in NYC last night. Inviting Mama Tina to a re-election fundraiser is the smartest move Michelle Obama has ever made.

As soon as Mama Tina appeared at the entrance to the party in a cloud of smoke, every bitch dropped their purse on the floor and ran for their lives! With just the lift of one brow, Mama Tina can steal your voice, poison your food and give you the feeling that her minions are snatching your children out of their beds to put them to work in the House of Dereon sweat shop. Drop all your worldly possessions and save your children!

After Basement Baby tallied up all the dropped wallets, purses, wigs, jewelry and watches she picked up off the floor, she declared that they set a new fundraising record. You're a mean (and genius) one, Mama Tina.

A revolution is brewing deep under the basement between a young black mother with a giant inflatable banana friend and the RACIST police officers in Miami Beach who just won't let a young black mother party with her giant inflatable banana friend! It all started when Beyonce, who is too busy these days barking at the House of Derriere sweat shop workers to bedazzle those pregnancy pantaloons faster, accidentally left the basement door open and out crawled Solange and her banana friend with a look in their eyes (or in her banana friend's case, his "blow hole") that said they were ready to paint the town with trouble. Before you wonder why Basement Baby's best friend is a giant inflatable banana, I should let you know it was either the banana, one of Kelly Rowland's crusty wig caps or a sculpture of her son Juelz she made out of moth balls. Yeah, your choices for a best friend are limited down in the basement.

TMZ says that on Sunday, Basement Baby and her banana friend made their way to Club Cameo in Miami Beach and tried to get in. They would not let Basement Baby's banana friend in and told her she had to leave that bitch on the curb. Now, Basement Baby reads a lot of old Life Magazines down in the basement so she knows that if she left a giant banana alone on the streets of Miami Beach, some drunk slut whore would fuck it right there or Tina Knowles would snatch it up and turn it into another skirt for her precious Beyonce. Basement Baby couldn't let that happen so she flipped the uppity bitch switch.

When the cops showed up, Basement Baby told them that the club refused to let her in because she's black and not because she's carrying a gigantic banana friend with her. The cops say they took Basement Baby across the street to calm her down. Basement Baby says that when the cops took her across the street, they pulled out a knife and tried to murder her gigantic banana friend!

Basement Baby hopped on her Twitter and let it be known in so many words that this would never happen to a young white woman with a banana friend:

I have literally had my last leg with discriminating police! Miami police department will be notified.

A police officer just pulled a weapon on me.... I have done NOTHING illegal, against the law, or anything of the sort.

I am simply tired of police using arrogance, ego and authority as an offense.

I'm only tweeting this to raise awareness. I could have left quietly, but I am sick & tired of this scenario being played over & over again.

I'm ok. I'm safe & sound at my apartment. I'm just beyond frustrated with the system.

It is time to do something about it. I am a mother raising a young black child in America. Im going to die trying!

Been on the phone for the last 20 minutes reporting this incident. Yes, I have the officers name. Yes, I have the location.

Scare tactics don't WORK.

I'm with Basement Baby! I'd tell her to raise a fist with me, but I don't want her to hit one of the ceiling tiles and wake the asbestos. In this day and age, we should be able to get drunk with our banana friends in a Miami club and walk the streets with them without some RACIST cop threatening to pop 'em to death. We're going to fight! It's what our foremother, Chiquita Banana, would want. If you're with us, take to the streets when you hear our march song.

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America's Next Top Model) and he really didn't disappoint at last night's MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University's mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There's room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn't the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night's goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked "Morticia's freakum dresses" in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she's been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson's dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon's Talley's glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr's mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle's balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi's slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh's prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... I'm just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she's at a HoJo's Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can't say one mean thing about Basement Baby's look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.

Leave it to Basement Baby to recreate Lisa Bonet's favorite back in the day pool outfit using a crochet hanging fruit basket, black licorice, Tina Knowles' old freakum pants and a hat she snatched from the Gardner as he trimmed the shrubs near her basement window. There's a good reason for why Tina stuffed those pants into the bottom of her old clothes box in the basement, because she knows that anything that makes your crotch look like it's hyperventilating should never see the light of day again.

This mess looks like a still from a lost episode of Good Times where J.J. dressed in drag as Thelma to fuck with Keith. Dy-NO-mite. Actually, since I put it that way, this really is the look after all.

Here's more of Solange Pam Grier-ing all over the place at the Elle Women in Music concert in Hollywood last night.