Solange

A revolution is brewing deep under the basement between a young black mother with a giant inflatable banana friend and the RACIST police officers in Miami Beach who just won't let a young black mother party with her giant inflatable banana friend! It all started when Beyonce, who is too busy these days barking at the House of Derriere sweat shop workers to bedazzle those pregnancy pantaloons faster, accidentally left the basement door open and out crawled Solange and her banana friend with a look in their eyes (or in her banana friend's case, his "blow hole") that said they were ready to paint the town with trouble. Before you wonder why Basement Baby's best friend is a giant inflatable banana, I should let you know it was either the banana, one of Kelly Rowland's crusty wig caps or a sculpture of her son Juelz she made out of moth balls. Yeah, your choices for a best friend are limited down in the basement.

TMZ says that on Sunday, Basement Baby and her banana friend made their way to Club Cameo in Miami Beach and tried to get in. They would not let Basement Baby's banana friend in and told her she had to leave that bitch on the curb. Now, Basement Baby reads a lot of old Life Magazines down in the basement so she knows that if she left a giant banana alone on the streets of Miami Beach, some drunk slut whore would fuck it right there or Tina Knowles would snatch it up and turn it into another skirt for her precious Beyonce. Basement Baby couldn't let that happen so she flipped the uppity bitch switch.

When the cops showed up, Basement Baby told them that the club refused to let her in because she's black and not because she's carrying a gigantic banana friend with her. The cops say they took Basement Baby across the street to calm her down. Basement Baby says that when the cops took her across the street, they pulled out a knife and tried to murder her gigantic banana friend!

Basement Baby hopped on her Twitter and let it be known in so many words that this would never happen to a young white woman with a banana friend:

I have literally had my last leg with discriminating police! Miami police department will be notified.

A police officer just pulled a weapon on me.... I have done NOTHING illegal, against the law, or anything of the sort.

I am simply tired of police using arrogance, ego and authority as an offense.

I'm only tweeting this to raise awareness. I could have left quietly, but I am sick & tired of this scenario being played over & over again.

I'm ok. I'm safe & sound at my apartment. I'm just beyond frustrated with the system.

It is time to do something about it. I am a mother raising a young black child in America. Im going to die trying!

Been on the phone for the last 20 minutes reporting this incident. Yes, I have the officers name. Yes, I have the location.

Scare tactics don't WORK.

I'm with Basement Baby! I'd tell her to raise a fist with me, but I don't want her to hit one of the ceiling tiles and wake the asbestos. In this day and age, we should be able to get drunk with our banana friends in a Miami club and walk the streets with them without some RACIST cop threatening to pop 'em to death. We're going to fight! It's what our foremother, Chiquita Banana, would want. If you're with us, take to the streets when you hear our march song.

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America's Next Top Model) and he really didn't disappoint at last night's MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University's mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There's room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn't the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night's goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked "Morticia's freakum dresses" in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she's been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson's dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon's Talley's glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr's mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle's balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi's slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh's prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... I'm just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she's at a HoJo's Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can't say one mean thing about Basement Baby's look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.

Leave it to Basement Baby to recreate Lisa Bonet's favorite back in the day pool outfit using a crochet hanging fruit basket, black licorice, Tina Knowles' old freakum pants and a hat she snatched from the Gardner as he trimmed the shrubs near her basement window. There's a good reason for why Tina stuffed those pants into the bottom of her old clothes box in the basement, because she knows that anything that makes your crotch look like it's hyperventilating should never see the light of day again.

This mess looks like a still from a lost episode of Good Times where J.J. dressed in drag as Thelma to fuck with Keith. Dy-NO-mite. Actually, since I put it that way, this really is the look after all.

Here's more of Solange Pam Grier-ing all over the place at the Elle Women in Music concert in Hollywood last night.

Using fluffy balls of yaki coughed up by one of Beyonce's old wigs and carried though the vents down to the basement by gusts of wind, Solange recently covered her head with long locks of braids which she used as an escape rope. Since Solange is the true genius in the family, she used those braids to lasso up to a nail near the basement window and scale up on out of that bitch! It's a good thing she did, because now we have these pictures of her in Los Angeles the other day looking a little Lisa Bonet-esque. Like she should be handing her books to Dwayne Wayne. Upgrade.

The good hos at Yo Gabba Gabba! were nice enough to drag the green screen down to the basement to film Solange (who looks like a prehistoric tranny bee from a lost Flinstones episode) singing a song called "Momma Loves Baby." This is the same song Beyonce sings to her wigs when she puts them to sleep every night. It's also the exact same song Papa Knowles sings while kissing his bank statements. It's a popular song in the Knowles Wigdom.

If you haven't seen it already, snort a line of asbestos dust and throw yourself down the basement stairs:

(Thanks Lewis)

Coochella (on purpose typo) Music Festival started up yesterday, which means dozens of famewhores descended upon Indio, CA to drink the sweet nectar out of plastic cups and add to their sand crab collection (see Wonky). John Mayer also momentarily left his Summer's Eve box to go to Coochella, and here he is giving the sex eye to a goddess (You're getting Ricki Lake in Hairspray vibes, right?) who is light years away from his league.

John's David Duke penis needs to go to a Klan rally or something, and leave this fine young thing alone if he knows what's good for him. Fuck Sexual Napalm. Bitch could make John's dick go boom just by licking her lips. John probably already has the Chernobyl of crotches, but this woman will leave him completely destroyed. It's best he back away and play with girls his own speed.

Anways, here's more hos frolicking on the grounds of Coochella including: Kelly Osbourne, Basement Baby, Katy Perry, Scott Speedman, Rotten Peaches with Eli Roth, Wonks, and DANNY DEVITO (I'm not trying to see his CROCS)!!!!

DAMN STUPID BABIES! Poor Solange will have to eat her nightly meal of a ham and mayo sandwich without the ham thanks to a greedy baby who may or may not be her half-brother.

Last year, a woman named Alexsandra Wright filed a paternity suit in court claiming that Solange and Beyonce's father/manager made a baby with her. The baby boy was born on February 1st, and yesterday a judge ordered that Matthew Knowles must pay Alexsandra $8,200 a month for child support. Matthew must also take $20k out of Solange's allowance jar to give to Alexsandra for the month of January.

A little fact that might make Beyonce's lacefront singe is that Matthew isn't officially the baby's father. Matthew will take a DNA test on March 1st. If Matthew is the father, the judge will determine a long-term child support payment.

Matthew has never admitted he's the father, but he's never denied it either. That might be why Tina Knowles put on her "divorcin' wig" and filed for the BIG D from Matthew a couple of months ago.

While Alexsandra is doing the gold digging shuffle, the rest of us are wondering how a judge can make a bitch pay temporary child support payments without knowing if he's the real father. Matthew needs a new lawyer. And he also needs to stop taking legal advice from Solange. I mean, I know she's seen every re-run of Night Court (it plays on the only channel she gets down in the basement), but that doesn't make her a legal authority!

Oh, and guess what Alexsandra named Solange's new arch rival? She named him NIXON! Yes, Basement Baby is getting kicked down by someone named NIXON. That hurts.

Tina Knowles is legally sending Daddy Knowles to the left...to the left (sorry for that). TMZ reports that the woman who is responsible for making Beyonce look like she's about to get her wig snatched by a vengeful queen has filed for divorce from her husband of 29 years Matthew Knowles. Cut to Basement Baby looking confused as hell, because she has no idea whose basement she's going to lay her head in at night.

Tina filed the papers last month in Texas. And just a month before that, some backyardigan bitch filed a paternity suit against Matthew Knowles claiming that his sperm fertilized her egg. Coincidence? Probably not. My guess is that Tina has been waiting to dump Matthew like a dusty wig, and his "Maury Moment" forced her to make it official.

I really hope Tina Knowles wears the above outfit to divorce court. That "Scott Storch goes to a White Party in Panama Beach" ensemble deserves a second showing.

Beyonce is fucking with Solange again! You know Beyonce told Basement Baby that she's way too *edgy* and *unique* for a mainstream record label, so she advised her to put on her pioneer hat and go out on her own! Basement Baby fell for Beyonce's trap, because she announced that she has quit her record label and will go independent for her third album.

Solange announced the news on her Twitter: "Although it’s been a wonderful journey & experience at Interscope Records, after truly recognizing what’s important to ME as an artist, I decided it was time for me to continue my path on a more independent platform. I’m excited about continuing to dive in, experiment and creating music and art with no boundaries, fears or expectations. Gonna be fun folks.”

Those of you HATERZ (The Z is to ZING you good) who are shouting that Basement Baby got dropped by her label need to duck, because she flies above all of you. Actually, I guess it's kind of impossible to fly above all the haters when you're trapped in the basement. Oh. Damn. :(

VIA Rap-Up.com

Beyonce and Basement Baby's daddy/manager, Matthew Knowles, might be a father again, but the mother is not his wife of 29 years Tina Knowles. WIGS WILL FLY!

TMZ reports that a woman who goes by the name of Alexsandra Wright filed a paternity suit against Daddy Knowles claiming that he's the papa je'e of her unborn baby. Alexsandra, who lives in Los Angeles and is in her 30s, is about six months pregnant. Please tell me she's going to name the baby Sasha Fierce Jr. Even if it's a boy. Especially if it's a boy.

Daddy Knowles probably won't believe he's the father until Maury utters those 4 magical words, but this could be good news for Solange! With a new Knowles spawn on the way, she will rise from the basement. Sasha Fierce Jr. will be the new basement baby who has to sit at the children's table for the rest of his days. Solange will finally have someone to throw a side-eye at.