TomKat

Here's a little tale that will tickle your tonsils and make your genitals pass out. Some source (*cough*Tommy's dildo cleaner*cough*) told OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that Stepford Katie is helping her alien master lose some chunk in his titties by giving sex to him any chance she gets. I tried picturing these two assholes rubbing on each other, but all I got was a 404 error. Katie does not have the hard drive needed to make Tommy's pussy pucker. Does not compute.

Just for farts and giggles, let's see what the source had to say about this shit: “Tom had been complaining about how hard it is to keep off the pounds, so Katie vowed to help him out. Katie read somewhere that you burn up 600 calories just by having sex three to four times a week. So she’s told Tom to think about how much they’d burn up if they put daily sex sessions on their schedule! Tom thinks the sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town just for the sake of his diet!”

The only way Katie can help Tommy lose 600 calories instantly is by thrusting her robovag and jiggling her bits at him. That will make Tommy vomit from every orifice. Cue Jack Nicholson shouting, "You can't handle the cooch!"

Here's a few pictures of Tommy butching it up on the set of Wichita in Boston yesterday. What Village People song do you think is playing in his head? I'm going to go with a medley of "Macho Man/Can't Stop The Music."

In an ice cream parlor in Boston yesterday, Suribot climbed on the counter, grabbed at the topping and pretty much exploded over the thought of eating deliciousness. Switch out "Boston" and "Suri" with "DQ" and "Michael K" and that sentence would still be FACT. When the ice cream scoopers see me coming, they bring out their tasers. Seriously, doesn't everyone climb on the counters and lose their minds over ice cream? Well, not weepy ass Stepford Katie, but that ho doesn't even know she's on Planet Earth, let alone an ice cream store in Boston. It's going to take more than a cone full of sugar to get that trick in check.

Here's more of Icecreamzilla, Robobeard and Katie's mom terrorizing Boston.

On November's cover of Elle, Stepford Katie actually looks like a real-life human being who doesn't need to be programmed to smile. Photoshop is the best drug sometimes. They must have used the "living person" tool on her.

In the issue, Katie says that Tommy Girl always has something to say about what she's wearing. Can't you just picture him giving her the once over and rotating his hips while snapping in z-formation if he disapproves? Typical queen.

Katie said, "He usually likes everything, but sometimes I'll walk out and he'll say, 'I think that dress might be wearing you. You don't need that.' Tom has great taste."

HAH. Yes, Tommy does have wonderful taste. Anybody who takes a peek at his platform midwife shoes knows that. And not only is Tommy a controlling robot master, but he always knows when a dress is wearing you! Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe better watch it, because Tommy Girl is going sashay on in and snatch her career. Hopefully when Tommy says, "I DIE," he means it. Literally.

VIA UsWeekly

Damn. Look at Tommy Girl puffing out those succulent tits while manhandling Cameron Diaz on the Boston set of Wichita yesterday. Tommy almost looks like a big butch top! Almost. Maybe this will convince Will Smith to let Tommy tame his hole next time. Naw, probably not. Tommy still looks like a kitten wearing a strap-on.

And you know deep down, Tommy wants to be the one wearing the frilly yellow dress. Truth is, his chichis would probably look better in it than Cameron's.

Suri is jealous that her daddy gets to sashay around the house in sparkly kitten heels, so he got her a pair of her very own which she wore while shopping in Boston with that weepy robot woman who really needs ten Calgon baths and an alien exorcism.

Personally, I think you can never ever been too young to start wearing heels. If you pop out a baby girl, put the booties away and pop some exquisite lucite heels on her feet. All babies should learn how to work a pair of lucite heels like Shauna Sand before they even start to crawl. There's my parenting tip for the day!

Later in the day, Suri met up with her daddy (see the last thumbnail) and asked him why he had white stuff on his mouth and why he was wearing that silly costume (SPOILER ALERT: he was role-playing earlier).

Yes, this is my second TomKat post of the day. If you see a third, check me into the crazy house for barley water addiction and alien obsession. It'll be for my own good. SO....

Here's Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie jogging all over Boston today. This is probably the first time in the history of their agreement that they have worked up a sweat together. Usually, girl sweat gives Tommy the ewwws, but Katie perspires robot oil so it's all good.

You know Tommy has an industrial strength butt plug (in the shape of L. Ron Hubbard's head) up his Scientolohole to keep his extra-long ass flaps from clappity clapping and disturbing the peace.

And they didn't bring Suri along, because they know that she would've ran her ass off to the nearest bus station.

The alien family has landed in Massachusetts and Tommy Girl was out poppin' that butt pussay for Xenu and working those sessy sneakers on the streets of Boston yesterday. And I see that Tommy propped up those Scientolotittays. Tommy's succulent moobs definitely bring the alien tops to the dungeon.

Suri came along for the photo-op and wore her daddy's favorite lip(you choose which lips)stick. And as for Stepford Katie, well....in the wise words of Dwight from The Real Housewives of Atlanta: HOW DREADFUL!

I'm sure that while they were filming Interview with a Vampire, Tommy Girl snuck into Brad Pitt's trailer one day while he was taking a long stoner nap and cut a lock of his dick bush so that he could rub it against his glazed b-hole every chance he got. Well, that lock of pubies will be going into the fire, because Brad Pitt is talking trash about Tommy's fine work!

In an interview with the German magazine Stern (via People), Brad Pitt said that Inglourious Basterds is the greatest Nazi movie of all-time, "The second World War could still deliver more stories and films, but I believe that Quentin put a cover on that pot. With Basterds, everything than can be said to this genre has been said. The film destroys every symbol. The work is done, end of story."

I haven't seen Basterds, but judging by the trailer, it looks like the only thing this movie destroys is the Southern accent. Brad Pitt makes Anna Paquin (aka "Sookeh Iz Mahn") sound like she was born in a giant bowl of grits floating in the Bayou.

And when asked about Tommy Girl's Valkyrie, Brad Pitt went there, "It was a ridiculous movie."

Yes, Brad, because you as a baby suffering from Ali Lohan syndrome wasn't all sorts of ridiculous? Really, Brad, really? In the battle of ridiculousness, I don't what was more ridiculous: Brad Pitt as a pepaw toddler or Tommy Girl's poodle hair. It's a toss-up.

"Hey gurlfriendz, check out my super sessy supermodel sneakers! Now I can do kissies on Will Smith without standing on 5 Scientology handbooks. Oopz, did I say that? And step up your game, Suri, I'm almost taller than you!" - Tommy Girl

These pictures of Tommy, Katie and Suri almost make them look like a normal family. But then my brain reminds me of the contract, the barley water, the thetans and the DOS hard drive inside Katie's head. Speaking of, Katie's system needs to upgrade to the new Windows, because she is looking tired and miserable.

According to my watch, it's almost time for Katie to pull a "Sleeping with the Enemy" and fake her death.

Anyway, here's more of the happy family spending some quality photo-op time together in Melbourne, Australia.

Line deliverer, marathon cheater, Judy Garland hater, cyborg beard, Posh wannabe and now fashion designer. WWD says that Stepford Katie's fancy fashion line with her stylist Jeanne Yang will debut this fall at Maxfield in Los Angeles. Katie should have debuted it at the Scientology gift shop, because those are the only whores who are crazy enough to buy this mess. Besides, Tommy Girl's Scientolohole will squirt on them if they don't buy every piece.

The line is called Holmes & Yang (that sounds like the whackest rap duo of all-time) and will feature clothes for children and femaliens.

Katie needs to be programmed to learn that just because she's married to a flamer, doesn't mean she automatically knows fashion. It would make more sense if she co-designed a line of strap-ons with Jada Pinkett.