TomKat

Yes, Tommy Girl! We all know how much your ass can take. It's very impressive. We're very proud of you. Your asshole is grinning cheek to cheek. It's so happy for you.

Anycrazy, this is not Tommy Girl's year! He's been replaced by Saint Angelina in a movie, the studio doesn't want him in Mission Impossible 4 and his movie about the Nazis keeps getting pushed back. I just wish it would get pushed off the face of the earth already. Along with Tommy Girl. That wasn't mean of me to say! He's an alien! He can fly to his home planet.

Well, now his longtime partnership with Paula Wagner has come to an end. Paula announced that she is stepping down as co-owner and CEO of United Artists which ends her business sisterhood with Tommy. Paula said, "I'm finally rid of that crazy twat!" No, she really said, "I’ve truly relished working with my longtime partner Tom Cruise to revitalize United Artists, and I am proud of all that we’ve accomplished in the past two years, reinvigorating the brand and developing such a strong slate of films." Blah...blah...blah...jack me off and pour me some lemonade.

Since everything is falling on Tommy's peanut head, does this mean he's going to have an epic meltdown? I have my hard hat ready, just in case. I've been waiting for this shit. Now if we can only program Katie Holmes to leave Tommy Girl for his arch rival, Xenu.

You know who should play Freddy Krueger (see below)? Katie Holmes' pegged jeans! Those things are making people fuck their eyeballs with their pinky finger. Not me. I love them like a double-sided dildo. I was about to send out a search party for them! Thankfully, they have returned to me in all their fugly 80s glory! I would hug them if I saw them in person, but I would probably catch "The Scientology" from them.

And why is Katie covering herself with that alien case? She probably queefed out a little barley water. It's okay, Katie. Tommy Girl does that all the time.

A sad little Katie Holmes dragged herself into rehearsal this morning in NYC. She looks like a Morrissey song. Homebot needs a little hug and a cookie. Scratch that. She doesn't eat cookies. She needs a reboot and a new microchip.

Last night, Katie played the "happy wifey" at Tommy Girl's movie premiere in Los Angeles. She jumped on the family spaceship right after the premiere and made her way back to New York, where she's still rehearsing for "All My Sons."

Katie's probably depressed because everyone hated her tight rolled jeans. And by "everyone" I mean everyone but me. They grew on me. I like holding on to the past. I still have one of my fucking Cabbage Patch Dolls.

Saint Angelina barely gifted the world with the twin messiahs and she's already going back to work. Angie Jo is expected to replace Tommy Girl as the lead in "Edwin A. Salt." I'm guessing they're going to change the title to "Edwina A. Salt."

Tommy has been linked to the project for a while, but everyone involved probably changed their minds about him when said, "I want my character to have really big hands. HUGE hands. And I want him to dance around. Dancing and huge hands. Glib."

In "Salt," Angie will play "a CIA officer who's accused by a defector of being a Russian sleeper spy and must elude capture long enough to establish her innocence." The movie is currently being rewritten for her.

Let's see, another action movie where Angie raises one eyebrow at least a dozen times, pouts while shooting a gun and does it all in leather pants. Lunesta fest! The studio should just put the movie together using clips from "Wanted," Mr. & Mrs. Smith," "Tomb Raider" and "Gone in Sixty Seconds." Maddox should be the lead in this Salt movie. Not Angie!

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We've seen ten thousand pictures of Stepford Katie and her denim friends, but strangely enough, Tommy Girl has been missing in action. Or missing in asshole. Yeah, that's probably where he was. The new alien dick pump worked a little too well, so he got stuck in Johnny Travolta's hungry hole. It took the other aliens a few gallons of barley water and many menacing pictures of Xenu to get them separated. Luckily, Tommy was pulled out in time for the "Tropic Thunder" premiere in Los Angeles last night.

Okay, did Carol Brady circa 1971 style Stepford Katie's hair and make-up. I mean, what in Florence Henderson hell is going on with that old lady hair from the 1970s? And doody lipstick? That's what Tommy Girl's lips look like after a "play date" with Johnny Travolta. Two aliens, one cup.

Tommy needs a little more height in his sneakers. Somebody please send him these Jessica Simpson wedges. Girlfriend would work the shit out of those shoes.

You can't convince me that Stepford Katie has an alien baby in her incubator. Tommy made her wear his butt pad on her stomach, just so they can make the gossip rags this week. Xenu help us all if she's bringing another alien robot into this world.

Tommy Girl makes a cameo in the upcoming "Tropic Thunder" and Ben Stiller told Elle Magazine (via MSNBC) that Tommy had some specific thoughts about his character.

Ben said, “Tom said… ‘I want to play the studio guy. I want to dance, and I want to have big hands.' I’d never thought about the size of a character’s hands, ever. …Tom was doing this little dance, and I was like, ‘This is insane. If this thing was on YouTube, it would be all over the world. It would be a crazy screensaver.’ ”

There's a simple explanation for this, of course. Tommy Girl asked for "bigger hands" because his baby gerbil fist isn't enough for John Travolta's hungry hole anymore. Johnny needs a watermelon. When Ben Stiller agreed, Tommy did his "horny alien dance" because he knew his bigger hands would make Johnny's hole slobber like a panting Mastiff on a hot summer's day.

I woke up this morning and my first thought was "I wonder what Katie is wearing on her legs today?" No fucking joke. You know what? This is what Tommy Girl wants! I'm slowly becoming obsessed with her jeans. They are hypnotizing me. If I start craving barley and saying "glib" a lot, then I know I'm doomed.

She totally threw me off today. Black jeans? They look like JcPenney's version of skinny jeans. Skinny jeans for soccer moms. I'm hoping she's going to really throw me the fuck out of my chair tomorrow by wearing aqua acid washed overalls. I fucking hope!

Tommy Girl finally fished out a couple of $20 bills from his cleavage to give to Stepford Katie for some new jeans. Although, I'm not sure if these are any better. At least her pegged jeans left me singing Jody Watley's "Real Love." But this high-waisted shit makes me want to scream at her, "Stop trying to be Posh! You are not a fashion icon!" You know she would rather be wearing khakis from Talbots and a polo shirt from J. Crew. She's a sad little robot, because she's been forced to wear this crap!

Although, these would make some good "escape jeans." She can hide Suri in one leg.

Let's just ignore the huge, fugly elephant from the late 1980s in the room and focus on something else. Let's talk about why everyone thinks Stepford Katie is knocked up. I don't buy it. It's just barley bloat. Besides, Tommy Girl probably drank up the rest of L. Ron Hubbard's frozen baby batter.

On a sweeter note (I can be sweet), Little Suri is pretty damn adorable and you know how I feel about children-types. I'm also tempted to e-mail Tommy and ask for Suri's blueprints so that I can build my own!

It's that time again. Time for me to comment on Katie Holmes' jeans and time for you to shout at your computer "JUST FUCKING STOP!" I'm not the only one who gives an eff, though! Reader sluts send me updates on how Katie is wearing her jeans today. Her jeans are becoming more famous than she is. They totally have their own MySpace page, I know it.

It looks like Katie decided to stop making the "tight-rolled" thing happen. But she's still wearing the same tired Bugle Boy jeans! Katie's stylist, Jeanne Yang, confirmed to UsWeekly that she IS wearing Tommy Girl's Prps jeans. Those fugly jeans belong to Tommy?! Lie-telling! How is this fucking possible? They don't look like they came from the big boy's department. If they were Tommy's jeans, she wouldn't have to roll them. Fuck, they would look like shorts on her.

Oh Tommy Girl, I know you want the world to think you're a big kid now. That's sweet.

Here's Stepford Katie going to rehearsal today. And those sneakers look like they came directly from the Scientology gift shop. They're so culty-looking.