TomKat

Claire Cruise, the bag of roasted peanuts who claims she is the biological mother of all three of Michael Jackson's kiddies, held a press conference outside of her mental hospital cell the courthouse today and she dropped another BOMB. FUCKING. SHELL. Claire says she and Michael Jackson are the biological parents of Connor Cruise, Tommy Girl's son with Nicole Kidman. Escandalo! Somewhere in the world, Nicole Kidman's forehead moved for the first time in YEARS after she heard about this fuckery.

Yeah, I know we shouldn't even be feeding the crazy, but it's Monday and we all need to be entertained! So... TMZ was there when Claire told a group of interns reporters that Michael Jackson gave Tom Cruise the baby, because "he didn't like the color of his skin." Claire continued to confirm that she is from another planet by saying even though she conceived of all Michael's kids, she didn't give birth to them. Thanks to state-of-the-art technology, all of the embryos were removed from her crazy body and inserted into a surrogate.

Claire took the blue pill, didn't she? Bitch is BEYOND. Who needs to drop acid? Just spend a little time with Claire and she'll take you to another dimension.

I can't wait to see who else she drags into her crazy world. I mean, don't be surprised if she declares that Kate Gosselin's possum head is her biological child with ALF. Claire Cruise is the baby mama to the stars (in her head)!

P.S. - Dollhouse Dude, where art thou?!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, that title is misleading. This isn't a post about Stepford Katie breaking free from Tommy Girl. Not this time. Try again later.

Radar says that Stepford Katie escaped from a real flame! The weepy robot is in Australia shooting that movie about evil garden gnomes (not a documentary) when a car she was filming in caught on fire! Katie was filming a scene inside of the car when its battery exploded. There was smoke and fumes everywhere. Katie got away in time before the heat short-circuited her hard drive.

A crew came in to get the fire out and filming resumed. You know, the easiest way to put out the fire would've been to ask Katie to recreate the dance tribute to Judy Garland she did on So You Think You Can Dance. That fire would've put itself out.

On tonight's episode of So You Think You Can Dance, Tommy Girl's creation lip-synched, posed and strutted around in an homage to Judy Garland. There really wasn't much prancing around here. Homegirl just sashayed like Tommy Girl trying out a new pair of sessy stilettos in his dungeon. Speaking of, you know Tommy Girl would've slayed this shit to pieces. The back-up dancers would've drowned in the glitter dust that came pouring out of his ass while he twirled around the stage. Judy herself would've flew down from heaven to pinch Tommy on the nalgas, give him a wink and say, "Wurk it, gurrl." Sometimes only a super *fierce* gay can pay tribute to Judy the right way.

My favorite part was at the very very end when it was finally over. No, seriously, my favorite part was during the awkward bow at the end when Katie's eyes shifted to the side all nervous-like. Girl was shifty! You know she was waiting for Suri (who was waiting on the side) to give the signal that Tommy's spies weren't around, so that they could both jazz walk out of the studio and run towards the light of freedom. Suri never gave the signal :(

At yesterday's Galaxy vs. Milan game in Los Angeles, Posh Beckham and Tommy Girl caught up about fashion, boys, the history of Euro Pop, thetans and gag reflex. Tommy wishes he had a weak gag reflex and Posh wishes she had a strong one. If only they could switch.

During the game, Becks kind of got into it with a bunch of H8RS who kept heckling his ass. Becks skipped over there, pointed his finger at them and nicknamed them "The Riot Squad." I doubt "The Riot Squad" went caca times in their panties out of fear. I mean, Becks' "castrated mouse on helium" voice is hardly threatening.

What Becks should've done is put his peen lips together and whistled for Tommy Girl. Tommy would've sashayed down there, flipped his bangs and challenged The Riot Squad to a Single Ladies dance-off! Game over.

Someone who was at the Sasha Fierce show in Los Angeles told People that Tommy Gurrrrrllll was there without his Stepford Beard and he broke into the "Single Ladies" dance in front of everyone!! The ho went on to say, "Everyone was laughing and taking pictures."

If this ever makes it onto the internet, every Glittery Gay of YouTube is going to pack up their swish and go, because the know they could never top this! And by "never top this," I mean that in more ways than one, because I don't think Tommy Girl busts it like that.

My glitter fountain is slowly drying up just from picturing Tommy Girl dropping his Scientolohole low. That's probably the dance he does when Stepford Katie tries to get frisky. When Tommy thrusts his hips, even robotic vaginas shut down.

Image source: Fugly.com (how appropriate)

Tommy Girl's creamy pits (to match his creamy Scientolohole) and Stepford Katie's giant muffin face (made with barley, of course) came out to support Cameron Diaz as she received her star on the Hollywood Walk of FAIL yesterday.

You know, I'm trying soooo hard not to stare at the Scientology-made second trimester pillow under Katie's shirt. Please don't tell me there's an alien robot baby stewing in some test tube in a lab in the middle of the desert! Maybe that's why Tommy's arm 'ginas can't stop jizzing? The tiny crazy is excited knowing that he will soon have a new robot baby to parade in front of the world.

Speaking of terrifying, Cameron Diaz's FACE! What in the stuffed crust pizza hell did she do to her face? It looks like Botox is her new favorite topping. Bitch looks like a week-old stale calzone.

Katie Holmes took Suri to buy a new friend at the American Girl Place store in Los Angeles yesterday, but she really should have gone to a back alley pharmacy instead to pick up a different kind of doll. The kind of doll that comes in a pretty orange bottle marked HALCION. That shit probably isn't allowed in The House of Cooze, but she should stuff it in Suri's dolly so she can smuggle it in.

The saddest part is that Katie's "zombie with a hangover" face didn't come from excessive boozing. It came from being exposed to Tommy's excessive craziness. Somebody hit her snooze button.

Here's more of the weepy little robot with Suri yesterday. Suri is becoming a master at discreetly flipping off us off.

Since Tom Cooze's last two movies (that Nazi cacaness and that lamb shit) didn't even make enough money to cover his monthly anal bleaching bill, he is going back to a sure thing: the Mission Impossible series. J.J. Abrams tells TVGuide (via Coming Soon) that he will once again deal with Tommy's craziness in order to produce Mission Impossible 4.

J.J. said, "I am incredibly honored that Tom has invited me back as a producer on Mission: Impossible 4. Tom and I have come up with a really cool idea we are pursuing."

Joo know what's a mission impossible? Getting me to see a Tom Cooze movie without lying to me by saying that the theater makes their popcorn with Valium oil and that they sell Junior Weed Mints at the counter. Okay, can somebody please start selling Junior Weed Mints. Thank you.

I hope the "cool idea" they are pursuing is casting Suri Cruise as the villainess with anti-depressants as her henchmen.

Last night in Los Angeles, Tommy Girl and his son Connor went to see something called the Lakers do something called basketball. Halfway through the game, Connor got a little upset. I know you're thinking it's because whatever team he was rooting for wasn't winning, but that's not it. Imagine sitting next to Tommy Girl while a bunch of muscly giant pieces of sweaty sex are bouncing around in front of him in silky shorts? Yup, Tommy's Scientolohole just wouldn't stop queefing and it was beginning to reek. GLIB. Connor forgot to remind his father to stick a butt plug in it before they go anywhere.

And somewhere in the world, Nicole Kidman is looking at these pictures and thinking to herself, "Hmm. I wonder who that handsome little man next to my ex-husband is? Did Will Smith shrink? Hmmm..."

The aliens are going to Melbourne! Hide your barley and cover your asses! Stepford Katie is going to be in Australia this summer to do that acting thing she dabbles in every now and again. How cute. I'm sure Tommy Girl will tag along so he can sample the local peen. He truly is an aficionado of the world of peen.

Anyway, Katie will star in some shit called Don't Be Afraid of the Dark for director Guillermo del Toro. Guillermo directed Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy, so he has a lot of experience when it comes to working with creepy creatures. Stepford Katie is in good hands.

This mess is based on a TV movie from 1973 about a girl who moves in with her father and girlfriend and finds out they are sharing the house with dark-sided creatures from Hell.

Wait. Are we sure this shit isn't a documentary?

VIA Coming Soon Image: MeetTheFamous/Wenn.com