Gross

Quick Correction: When I think of dry coochie, I think of Bruce Jenner's dried-up labia face. But the makers of Zestra, a sex sauce for ladies with cottonmouth of the 'gina, think of Pimp Mama Kris and so they asked her to be the spokeswhore for their pussy lube. This is a genius move on Zestra's part since when you look at Kris Jenner's face, all the moisture evaporates from your wet parts and you need a bottle of lube more than ever. Try it. Stare at Kris' face and then try to tell me I'm lying after you look down into your panties to find a tumbleweed and a patch of dried tears.

Here's a piece from Pimp Mama Kris' introduction letter on Zestra's site:

You can’t always plan a romantic dinner or wait for a vacation to have amazing sex, so you have to take advantage of those moments of mutual intimacy. And that’s what I love about Zestra…it works in minutes and is easy-to-use. For me, it’s instant gratification. In a busy, complicated, hectic life, you can still fit in the time for sex, and you know it’s going to be enjoyable.

Zestra is a safe, natural blend of botanical oils. And it’s clinically proven to enhance sexual desire, arousal and satisfaction in 70% of women. This includes women of all ages and life stages, as well as women on certain types of medication who experience sexual difficulties. That’s important to me. So whether you are 30 or 50, on antidepressants or just stressed from everyday life, Zestra can work for you.

Now, if you are reading this and thinking, “Okay Kris. Busy I can handle. Being over 50 (and fabulous!) I can handle. But what do I do if I’m bored to tears with my relationship?” Well, I’m going to give you the same answer. Try Zestra.

Kris doesn't mention this in her letter, but she also smears Zestra on Bruce's Cassandra face when he needs to make an expression.

Doesn't Zestra sort of sound like that gross shit Olestra? You know that crap they put in chips that gave everyone the butt vomits? I bet that when Olestra flopped, the makers repackaged it as lube and are now calling Zestra! It figures that a Pimp Mama Kris-endorsed lube will give you a wet pussy and a wet ass at the same time.

If you're in the middle of swallowing a glob of Red Bull (wink wink at you, Demi) and evaporated milk, you should pretend that it's donkey piss and donkey jizz, because if you're able to keep it down without heaving up 90% of your internal organs, you could win $50,000 on Fear Factor! The dust storm of bleached dandruff, fake tan residue and sea jasper ash that just covered L.A. is from Lindsay Lohan running over to NBC to sign up for Fear Factor.

In the past, Fear Factor has fed their contestants all sorts of delicious gourmet delicacies like blended rats, sloth dicks wrapped in the ass cheeks of a baboon, snail vaginas, tarantula shit, charred fetus heads, etc.. etc... But their latest stunt dipped so low into the bowels of disgustingness that some NBC executives weren't sure if they should air it. But as they proved by giving Whitney a full season, NBC has no fucks to give and will air it anyway!

Someone who works at Fear Factor tells TMZ that on an episode that airs Monday, the contestants have to swallow (no spitting allowed) entire cups of bladder juice and nut gravy from a donkey. Each contestant had to drink every last drop of donkey piss and jizz before they moved on to the next round, and some of them did it. SUCIO! It must be a very special Kardashian-themed episode.

$50,000 could buy you a lot of shit (like 50,000 items from Taco Bell's new breakfist menu!), but is all that money really worth felching down the jizz of an ass in front of millions of people? It's one thing to drink donkey cum in the comfort of a Tijuana Donkey Show while surrounded by friends, but it's another to do it in front of a TV camera. What if you get pregnant? What if you shit out a tiny donkey human baby into the toilet? You're going to need more than $50,000 to raise it. And I don't even want to think about how they milked that donkey, but I'm sure it involved Joe Rogan's lubed-up hand and a copy of Heidi Montag's Playboy spread.

But in NBC's defense, they've aired much grosser shit than hos drinking donkey semen. Like Donald Trump's face, for example.

Wilmer Valderrama's got his eye on you, Chris Hansen.

The exit door to Mickey Mouse's rehab center for the teen stars he helped to screw up now has a regular fixture named Wilmer Valderrama in front of it. Wilmer is available for any damaged barely legal teen star who needs a 31-year-old nutsack to cry on ("...and while you're there" - Wilmer). Because E! News says that after humping on each other for about a year, 19-year-old Demi Lovato has taken her final ride on Wilmer's self-proclaimed XXL chalupa dick. Demi might've confirmed this highly important breaking news on Twitter when she turned into the Emo of Anistons by re-Tweeting a Marilyn Monroe quote before Tweeting a few words of encouragement for herself:

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." Marilyn Monroe

The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.

In other words, bitch got too old for Fez.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

An Illinois man threw a lawsuit at PepsiCo back in 2009, because he says that he found a dead mouse in a can of Mountain Dew. If you're wondering how can a mouse get into a can of Mountain Dew, just remind your ass that somehow Xtina squeezes into a bandage dress that is six sizes too small. Anything can happen. The mouse-finder claims he sent the can and the dead mouse to Pepsi, but after testing it they destroyed it. But Pepsi's defense is that there's no way the dude could find a whole dead mouse in the can, because Mountain Dew is so toxically disgusting that it can melt an entire mouse including its bones. Well, the good news is that Parasite Hilton finally found something to melt the warts on her pussy that have grown furry faces and have started to bark. The Atlantic Wire puts it like this:

Most shudder-worthy, however, is that Pepsi's lawyers also found experts to testify, based on the state of the remains sent to them, that "the mouse would have dissolved in the soda had it been in the can from the time of its bottling until the day the plaintiff drank it," according to the Record. (It would have become a "jelly-like substance," according to Pepsi, adds LegalNewsline.)

I'd be surprised if there wasn't bits of mouse jelly in every can of Mountain Dew. That is a marketing point for their asses. Mountain Dew: Now with more protein! Mountain Dew is also the perfect butt douche to turn to when that stubborn gerbil refuses to fall out of your ass.

But seriously, only trash drinks Mountain Dew (cut to you sipping a Sanka with a splash of Dew). Any refined soda-ie only sips from a vintage Cactus Cooler can.

In yet another stellar call in the life of Jerry Sandusky, TMZ reports that he has decided to speak publicly again on his child sexual abuse allegations, but hasn't yet decided whether Oprah or Barbara Walters will be the luckiest woman alive to be graced with his presence.  He and his wife Dottie are wanting to set the record straight and clear his JeffreyDahmerwasanaltarboycomparedtoyou good name (I had to get drunk just to type that) by going on the air again and this time he's practiced so he doesn't pause when asked if he's sexually attracted to young boys.

Strangely, neither Oprah nor Barbara's camp can be reached to confirm the interview, so there's a good chance that this is all wishful thinking on the part of the Sanduskys.  I would think his showing-young-boys-how-to-shower-properly ass would have a hard time getting an interview on QVC, so I hope these ladies aren't really entertaining the idea.  And if so, I hope they make him pay them for the privilege.  His lawyer must be a glutton for punishment, both for representing him and for allowing him to dig holes in their defense with dynamite.

The Sanduskys maintain that nothing inappropriate happened, and the 52 now adults who have brought charges against Jerry are all lie tellers trying to make a little fast cash.  Um.  I know that in America you are innocent until proven guilty, but this is not so much a "where there's smoke there's fire" situation as a HOLY SHIT THERE'S A MUSHROOM CLOUD one.  So.  Good luck with that Jerry (not really) and I hope you don't land in a prison as the cell block bitch (not really).

ETA: There are 10 accusers, with 52 counts of abuse. Thanks Nit Witty for setting my ass straight.

Rosemount High in Minnesota found new fans in Papa Joe, St. Angie, James Haven and Ryan O'Neal when they came up with a hilarious (and emotionally scarring) way to prank their winter sports captains. All of the captains were blindfolded during some kind of pep rally and told that they were about to get a kiss from a mystery person. The captains didn't know that their mystery person wiped their ass cracks as babies and probably folded their clean panties that weekend. The kids got a mouth full of their own parent's lips. Their parents were not blindfolded. You are right in asking what in the Oedipus Hell is this fucked up shit?

After this mess of a video went viral, the school apologized.

First of all, if this was a peck or two, I don't think my eyes would be covered with thin layers of barf right now. But some of those parents got down. One mother gets all the way down to the floor with her son and I don't even want to know what's going on in his head (his other head). Second of all, most teenagers have the hornies flowing through their system at all times. If you put a mouth on their mouth, tongue is going to creep out to play. So tricking them with their parent's mouth is a new kind of wrong. Third of all, unless your name is Billy Ray Cyrus, what parent would agree to this inceshit?

Can you imagine that car ride home? "So, dad, how was that cheesesteak you had for lunch? You usually don't get it with onions."

via Gawker

...and you have a new favorite picture to double punch. Everlast should use that picture on a punching bag. The national debt would be wiped out immediately.

Cameron Diaz and Diddy both screamed "JUST FRIENDS!" last month when they were seen having lunch together at some restaurant in Beverly Hills. They're screaming those same words again today after Page Six says they were slurping on each other's mouths at PH-D in Manhattan on Saturday night. Diddy was already holding court at his table when Cameron strolled in a little after 1am for some Virgin Diaries action. P6 put it like this:

“They were kissing and making out,” and continued being “very affectionate” while they danced, our sources said. Diaz and Diddy left the club together with the group just after 3 a.m. This isn’t the first time Diaz has been seen fiddling with Diddy.

Diddy on his own is UGH, Cameron on her own is UGH and together they're just UGHUGHUGHUUUUUUGGGGGH. They shouldn't be tongue screwing in front of everybody. Nobody wants to see that. It probably looks like two gaping anuses squirting douche water at each other. How would Cameron and Diddy like it if two gaping anuses squirted douche water at each other right in front of them? Actually, they'd probably be into it. Those nasty kinky fucks.

Mortal enemies LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville resisted the urge to shank each other in the jaw with their clavicle bones yesterday afternoon when they both showed up to watch Brandi and Eddie Cibrian's son play in a soccer game. Sadly, the game's halftime show featuring LeAnn and Brandi in a BONY BITCH BRAWL (which I'm sure would look like two erect pencil dicks sword fighting in a dead pony's mouth) was canceled, because the two stayed away from each other. But the shriveled and dehydrated clitoris of a Falcor did get in a few shots when she sucked on Eddie's face and played with Brandi's boys right in front of everyone.

But Brandi still got off easy. It could've been much worse. If Brandi opened her mouth for any reason (examples: yawning at LeAnn's STUNT QUEEN moves, dry barfing over the fact that LeAnn looks like a paraplegic pony balancing on stilts made of chopsticks, etc...), LeAnn would've slithered down her throat, taken over her body and finally become the Brandi Glanville she's always wanted to be!

Unsuspecting Dallasites were sitting at lunch yesterday afternoon when the cup of sweet tea on their table started to quiver Jurassic Park-style from the quiet boom of impending doom coming its way. It wasn't caused by a T-Rex's stomps or from the vapid whore bitches of The A-List: Dallas sucking all the oxygen from the city by gathering together in one room for the reunion. WORSE! It was from the entire city dry heaving over the upcoming terrorization of THE KUNTRASHIANS! Board up your windows, hide all the black dick and hang all your cameras in the trees, because the Kuntrashians will wet hump any lens they come across.

The L.A. Times Lakers Blog reports that Khloe Kardashian's husband Lamar Odom was traded from the Lakers to the Dallas Mavericks, because apparently they want to dump his $17 million salary and use that money to pick up Dwight Howard. And because they're sick of the taste of bile that fills their mouths every time they stare at the piles of useless dumps sitting courtside for practically every game. Khloe already said that she'll gallop after Lamar wherever he goes and wherever Khloe goes, so does E!'s cameras, the other Kuntrashians, a Dash store and her secret wookie pack who will NOM NOM on half of the city's supply of small dogs. Khloe got on her Twatter shortly after Lamar's trade was announced and said leaving L.A. is giving her the sads:

We are all sad but positive energy gets you farther then negative.

I have no doubt about it! I am excited :) I know this is for a reason.

Isn't there a team in Chernobyl Lamar could've been traded to? The Kuntrashians have already infected L.A. and NYC, and now those human herp warts are sprouting up in Dallas? I know everything is bigger in Texas, even the Karkrashians, but this isn't right. Just image Khloe in a cowboy hat and splitting ear drums in half by putting a Texas twang on her slutty baby voice. Not only that, but think of the rodeo bulls. They already have it bad enough and now when Khloe struts into the rodeo, they'll be left wondering why that big beast gets to sit in the stands while they get rode hard? GOD: There isn't one.

And here's the soon-to-be Sasquatch of Texas taking Mason out for his weekly photo-op.

I don't know what I did to deserve this, but somehow this attack on my eyeballs landed in my inbox and now you'll have to suffer with me. Garbage Pail Whore and self-proclaimed beard slut, Ke$hit, squatted on top of Tumblr and queefed out her own site putyourbeardinmymouth.tumblr.com (not to be confused with John Travolta's Put Your Beard Away gentlemen's club down in the Scientology sauna). Ke$ha is a serious beard lover (not to be confused with the name of Bradley Cooper's Serious Beard Lover appreciation page on Facebook) and her Tumblr is devoted to picture of beards including this one of her giving a beard job (not to be confused with the name of Renee Zellweger's employment agency). This shit looks like Ke$ha going down on Robin Williams or eating out a pre-shaven Khloe Kardashian. (Actually, this is more like a post-shaven Khloe Kardashian since I'm sure this is what her 5 o'clock pussy shadow looks like.)

I know that on the list of disgusting things Ke$ha has put in her mouth, chin pubes is at the very bottom, but bitch still ain't right for giving me the sudden sensation to pull sweaty nutsack hairs out of my mouth.