Gross

Michael Lohan has confirmed to E! that he's engaged, but it's not official. Yeah, what?! Michael asked his longtime girlfriend Erin Muller to be his wife, but he's not ready to announce anything. The man is not good in the brains. Fucking White Oprah is bad for your mental health.

Michael said, "We picked out a ring, but it's not official." He said they will officially announce their engagement when "some family issues are resolved." He doesn't realize what he's saying. Somebody please pack Michael a paper bag lunch and immediately put his dumb ass on the short bus.

The family issues Michael is talking about have to do with his father's health. He's also waiting to find out if he's the father of 13-year-old Ashley Kaufman. The paternity test results still have not come in. I don't know why they went through the trouble of getting a DNA test. They could have just asked Ashley what 1 +1 is. If she said, "HUH?" then we know she's related to Michael.

Michael, being the mega famewhore that he is, also talked to E! about SamRo. He said, "People like Samantha Ronson don't need to be around Lindsay. She shouldn't be dragging Lindsay around nightclubs. Who was Samantha Ronson before Lindsay Lohan? She was nobody. She is using her for her own gain. All these people have inserted themselves into her life like parasites, and it's not right. I'm done with them." Again. Put him on the short bus NOW! Words are coming out of his mouth, but he has no idea what he's saying. Who's calling who a fucking user?

And Erin needs to take a good look at the cell phone strapped to Michael's waist. That says it all.

Last month, Kiki Dunst and the Mac Dude were spotted "canoodling" in NYC. Well, they are still going strong or something. Kiki and Justin Long "were making out hard-core while waiting in line for margaritas" at Sunset Junction in L.A. this past weekend. A witness who probably dry heaved while watching their PDA told Rush & Molloy, "They were holding hands and were all over each other." Sucio!

I'm sure it looked like two raggedy pigeons picking bugs off of each other. And you know a new species of fleas was born from their make-out fest. Maybe they weren't making out? Maybe Justin was just popping Kiki's huge zit with his teeth. That's real love.

Visit Metromix to see more pictures from Sunset Junction this past weekend.

Katherine Hei-Hei-Heeeeeeeeeiiigggl is a criminal and should be in the chokey making government cheese sandwiches on the radiator. You see, Heigl was busted by a cop on a bike for throwing her ratty ciggie to the ground after lunching at the delicious eatery known as P.F. Chang's. Get this shit. Heigl was able to talk herself out of a ticket. NOT RIGHT!

A source told Star Magazine, "The officer told Katherine to pick up the butt and throw it away in the trash, 10 feet away. He added that he'd fine her next time he catches her tossing trash on the sidewalk." Heigl is a big piece of trash, so the cop should have ordered her into the nearest dumpster!

Seriously, that cop should get his badge taken away and demoted to desk duty. I just checked the official law book of all laws and it states that any blonde-haired witch with the name Katherine Marie Heigl who throws a ciggie to the ground must automatically be sent to prison for life without parole. It also states that she must have her mouth sewn up.

If you don't believe me, just ask Smokey Bear! Here's an extremely creepy Smokey Bear ad featuring Joanna Cassidy. Smokey watches us all at night. I know it.

In 1988, when Felicity Huffman replaced Vadge in "Speed-the-Plow" on Broadway, she found a thong in her dressing room. That shit belonged to Vadge. So what did Felicity do? She tried them on. She told More Magazine, "Of course, it didn't fit me."

Hell no! I've seen all kind of shit in other people's panties before. Shit being the key word. There is no way I'd ever expose my pure and innocent genitals to that kind of fuckery. And can you imagine what kind of panty pudding Vadge produces? Tapioca with walnuts!

VIA People

Thanks Kris

I interrupt your regularly scheduled program of bitching and moaning to.....well...to bitch and moan some more. I've been trying to fight off this horror show of a cold for a few days now. My sister told me to get this shit called Buckley's. She promised me that it works miracles. Well, the bitch must really despise me, because this shit is the ugliest thing I've ever put in my mouth. And that's saying a lot.

I figured Buckley's would taste like every other cough syrup. You know, they all taste like a delicious Lifesaver dipped in formaldehyde. Buckley's is nothing like that. I can't explain it. It's seriously Satan's sperm. That's probably the secret ingredient.

Whenever I swallow it, my nipples clench. Not only does it taste like sex club ass, but it's not pretty on the eyes either. It sort of looks like yellow jizz. It's like when a dude has to cum and piss at the same time, and it both comes out. Yeah, that's what it looks like.

I've been taking it the past couple of days and still hasn't fixed shit! The only thing it's done is improve my gagging reflex slightly. Hmmm....that's not such a bad thing.

Okay, rant over. And now I'm off to gag on some Buckley's.

Lynne Spears has made it "Through the Storm" thanks to a little help from the millions of dollars she's received from whoring out her kids. Lynne has put her parenting tips into a little book which is due out next week. Whoever buys this book should automatically get a visit from Child Protective Services. Taking parenting advice from Lynne Spears is like....well....like taking parenting advice from Lynne Spears. White Oprah should have been Lynne's co-author.

And that cover looks like a still from a Massengill commercial from the 80s. I used to be obsessed with those commercials when I was little. "I have to ask you something really personal...."

VIA Allie Is Wired

Vadge, please take a hard look at these pictures. If you don't stop, this is what your arms could look like. Actually, her arms sort of do look like that.

Seriously, what in roid hell is going on with Sly Stallone's arms and legs? Just looking at these pictures makes my own veins all tingly. If you touched one of his veins, it would touch you back.

Imagine what his veiny dick looks like. Ribbed for your pleasure. A bitch could lose a tooth or three from sucking on his roid stick. His pulsating veins would knock em right out. You'd have to wear a fucking mouth guard.

Here's more of the always sexy Sly with his family in Ibizia. And just for the record, I'd hit it.

Say those six words when you get to the gates of hell and you'll immediately be ushered to the VIP section.

I think it's pretty effin' disgusting that the producers are even considering allowing this douche bag host the Oscars. How long are the Oscars? Like 15 hours? Imagine sitting through 15 hours of Justin Timberlake. There isn't enough booze and drugs on the planet to get you through that.

A source told The National Enquirer (via CM) that the producers were impressed with Justin after watching him host the ESPY Awards. They thought he was "naturally funny." And methinks the producers are "naturally high."

They also think Justin could bring in a younger audience. The source went on to say, "Justin is more than a singer, he's a song-and-dance man - and turned in a performance (at the ESPY Awards) any comedian would envy. Our first question was, 'Can we get him?' Justin does it all, and knows how to work a star-studded audience." Song-and-dance man? Since when is this douche Gene Kelly?

This may be the perfect time to end the Oscars awards show. It's been a good run, but it's time to call it a day the minute you start to consider Justin Timberfake as a host. Instead, they can hand out the awards in the parking lot of Bob's Big Boy after Sunday buffet brunch.

First of all, there's that choker again..... That thing makes me want to vomit poop, which is totally possible, but we'll save that story for another day. Or not. So! White Oprah is apparently livid after finding out that her 14-year-old (going on 45-year-old) daughter unwittingly auditioned for a well-known porn director.

On Sunday night's episode of the caca fiesta known as "Living Lohan," Ali gave a shit ass audition for the movie "Troll." One of the dudes she read for was Peter Davy, an award-winning porn director. TMZ reports that he's directed such porn hits as "Breast Wishes 14," "Bun Busters 12" and "Voodoo Lust." Ooooh, that last one sounds like a real hand jerker.

White Oprah claims she had no idea about Peter's past. Her rep (probably Nana Lohan) told UsWeekly, “Ali obviously had no idea about Davy’s past. If she did know, she never would have auditioned for him.” You see how the rep said ALI had no idea. I mean, you know White Oprah knew what was going on. Bitch probably worked with him once.

Even though Ali's audition made my TV turn off, she still got the role. Seriously, my TV really turned off while I was watching it. Ali only got the role because White Oprah sat on Peter's face and agreed to star in "Bun Busters 13."

In boring ass political news, John McCain's stupid new ad compares Barack Obama to Brit Brit Spears and Wonky McValtrex.

If you're going to use footage of Brit Brit, at least use recent video of her looking tore up and carrying a Frapp. Do it right.

And if Obama is like Brit and Wonky, does that mean he doesn't wear panties and is going to give us a crotch shot soon? I'm waiting.....

Thanks Rex