SamRo

That didn't take long. Michael Lohan has responded to SamRo and HoHan's response about his response about their response? I'm fucking confused. There's so many statements being released through so many different channels. And White Oprah still isn't involved! Coke got her tongue?

Michael released this butt fuck statement to ABC News. I picture his nostrils flaring and drool spewing out of his mouth while he said this crap:

"Who's out of control? Whose life is out of control? Give me a break. Going from place to place, being dragged around by Samantha so she can make more money off of Lindsay being there when she spins.

She's gone from making $7 million to less than a million a movie. Who's out of control? I go to church. I go and help people in rehab. That's control. How can she say I'm out of control? I want Lindsay to be in a good place. When I started looking at what Samantha was doing, dragging Lindsay to clubs, drinking around Lindsay .

Samantha is one of the biggest problems in her life.That's what Dina told me. I'm reacting on what Dina said, but then Dina steps out of the picture because she wants to look like the good guy. Dina's a two-face. She wants to try to look good and stay on Lindsay's good side instead of being a good parent. I don't give two hoots about my relationship with Lindsay as a friend. One day she's going to turn around to me and tell me, 'Daddy, you were right.?

Give daddy a Midol and a warm compress. He's out of control. And if that doesn't bring White Oprah out of hibernation, I don't know what will. White Oprah, show Michael who is the queen of statements!

Michael went on to say that he has text messages and recorded phone calls with White Oprah and HoHan. He threatened, "If they're going to say I'm lying, I'm out of control, I'm going to show that they're lying and they're out of control."

He's funny. Like he really has texts and recorded conversations with them. That's not how this family communicates! They communicate through shitty statements released to the media. His "recorded conversations" were probably pieced together using sound bites from "Living Lohan" and "Mean Girls."

HoHan's main muff diver, SamRo, put her angry gayelle fingers to work and wrote a response to Michael Lohan's attacks on her MySpace. The butchie is so mad she could bite a dick. Okay, she's not THAT mad. It helps if you read this while wearing a strap-on. Don't ask questions. It just helps. Trust.

SHUT THE F*** UP
Current mood: bullied

i really don't want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words... so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay's life- i'm just sorry that she likes me more than him.

p.s. i'm not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living.... i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else....so I think it's safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all..... written by me..... when does your book come out mr. lohan?

Shouldn't her current mood be "gayelley"? I digress. Michael Lohan better watch his flabby, born-again ass! SamRo probably knows some major biker butchies who don't fuck around. The lezzie fun doesn't stop there! HoHan also posted a reponse to daddy on her MySpace. I'm sure she wrote this while doing the scissor with SamRo. These girls are talented. HoHan's response is longer, so it's after the jump. JUMP!!!!

E! reported that HoHan's favorite labia licker, SamRo, is planning to write a tell-all about her life. I think the working title is called "How To Bag A HoHan In 20 Steps." Step 1 through 5 probably involve illegal substances, leggings, orange grease and cotton gussets.

Michael Lohan got wind (aka the media farted it in his ear) of SamRo's supposed tell-all and issued this statement: "She's using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some L.A. DJ. And now she's writing a book? I am at wit's end with this stuff. This is not in Lindsay's best interest." No, what's in HoHan's best interest is if you move to Pluto and change your name to Michael Blohard.

HoHan issued her own statement to Access Hollywood: “He’s out of control. I want him to stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love." You see this, Michael? You're going to make the gayelle cry! Nobody likes to see a sad, freckly gayelle!

The strangest part of this whole thing is that I don't have a statement from White Oprah to post. Weird indeed. Where in orange hell is she? Did Nana Lohan forget to take her out of the tanning bed again?

Why are they walking away from Jack in the Box? Isn't the luscious aroma of a Sourdough Jack beckoning them? Oh wait. A Sourdough Jack is made with beef. I forgot who I was talking about.

Somebody got their hair poo-pooed on! SamRo finally poured some Henna over that toilet water blonde mop she's been working for sooooo long. I don't know how to feel about this. On one hand, she no longer looks like she has Billy Idol's pubic bush on her head. However, her new hair paired with that outfit makes her look like a dykey nurse from the midwest who wears a pager on her waist band and drives a beat down Datsun pick-up truck.

And what is up with those outfits? Did they join some underground gayelle cult? Do they hold super secret meetings in Home Depot's storage room?

Here's more of SamRo and her lezzzzzzzzzzzzzbian lover going to lunch (not at Jack in the Crack) and buying dumb shit in Los Angeles yesterday.

I know HoHan and SamRo are supposed to be hipster lezzies or something, but damn! Can't they wear something else besides Ray-Bans? Now, I've been known to put on a pair of Wayfarers now and then, but now it's hard for me to do so without thinking about these coochie lickers. Damn then! Ray-Ban better be paying them the big bucks.

Here's these two buying a bunch of dumb shit they don't need in Los Angeles yesterday. All they do is fucking shop. They need to turn up the action. I'm waiting for the sex tape to hit the internets. I wanna see these two bump cokey ginas, smash pies, mack on a ham wallet, grill up a furburger.....something. Actually, I take that back. That would not be the gayelle sex tape of my dreams. Now a Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon sex tape is a different story.

Is SamRo making a "queef face" because she thinks HoHan's new hair stinks? I sort of agree. It's like a lovely shade of peach barf. However, maybe she's slowing embracing her inner ginge and her weave will soon make it to her natural color. But who knows what her natural color is anymore.

Even my mommy cares about the lesbionic adventures of SamRo and HoHan. Although, she doesn't really know their names. She calls them "the butchie" and "that girl from Angry Girls." Of course, she means the bull dyke and the ho from "Mean Girls." You know how moms are.

Here's "the butchie" and the chick from "Angry Girls" at the opening of Apple (no relation to the iPod hos) last night.

I've seen SamRo wearing guyliner many a time, but never a face full of make-up! How in gayelle hell did they manage to get make-up on her? HoHan probably just rubbed a little foundation on her coochie and then smeared it all over SamRo's face. I don't like my SamRo with make-up on. She's giving me Chris Crocker fever in some of these pictures.

Mark Ronson, SamRo and her twins sissy Charlotte did a "Royal Tenenbaums" themed photo shoot for September's Harper's Bazaar. They decided to cast SamRo in the Fishsticks Paltrow role. Fish? Naturally.

Click here to read the article, but it's just a bunch of rich kids trying not to sound rich.

And I think my love affair with Mark has come to an end. He's so fucking smug in every picture. I just want to wipe that smirk off his face with my ass lips. Okay, I'd still hit.

SamRo turned thirty-wonderful (that's what my mom says) yesterday and she celebrated with her bumpin' buddy, HoHan, and some other skanks. The party started with dinner at Matsuhisa, a sushi restaurant in Beverly Hills. Why go out for raw fish when you can have it at home?!

After dinner, the party continued outside on the street where an ice cream truck was waiting for them. Ice cream trucks always scared me as a child, because my bitch of a cousin told me that's where they store dead children. This skank said the ice cream man would kidnap kids, chop 'em up and put them in the freezer in his truck. I'm sure that's happened before, but that whore bag didn't have to tell me that! It still didn't keep me away from spending my ho money on delicious frozen treats.

Anylezzy, here's more of SamRo's birthday last night. HoHan is looking a little praying mantis-ish. It's because she's on the all-fish diet. And look at the first thumbnail, you know that shit is going to be put to good use. Ice cream in the firecrotch!

HoHan's main partner in pussy, SamRo, turns 31 today! I'm sure she'll celebrate by blowing the flames out of HoHan's firecrotch. Eating cooze works for her, because the girl looks younger than HoHan. Although, that's not saying much.

I thought she should celebrate this important gayelle day by looking at a couple of pictures from SamRo's senior high school yearbook sent in to me by a reader. SamRo went to a fancy all-girls joint called The Chapin School in NYC. Above is SamRo's senior stats. We never had that shit! We only had our names and they usually fucked mine up. Here's what it all means:

Name: Samantha Ronson
Dream: Jack
Reality: Whack
Best Kept Secret: Natural blonde
Male Equivalent: Puck
Quotable Quote/Trademark: Out of uniform
Starring in the Remake of: Rebel without a Cause
Usually Found: ?
You in 20 Years: Famous

Fascinating, isn't it? And please don't tell me she's talking about Puck from the Real World: San Francisco?! Puck used to eat his own scabs! Okay, that makes sense. And it's so cliche of her to want to star in remake of Rebel without a Cause! She'll play Jim Stark of course. HoHan is way too haggard-looking to play Judy. She can play Mrs. Stark.

Here's also a page from SamRo's yearbook featuring her in a skirt! You know she totally wore shorts underneath there. And of course a picture from her basketball team. Figures. I also threw in some pictures of my favorite hipster gayelles in Los Angeles yesterday. E! reports that they recently got matching black heart tattoos on their hands. Awwww.....it is love and it's smart. I'd rather have a black heart on my body than some bitch's name. In fact, I'm going to get a black heart tatoo on my sleeve.

Those bitches taking picturs of SamRo and HoHan are so hot. It's like they are the zoo and SamRo and HoHan are a couple of lezzie baboons. They're not even trying to hide the fact that they're taking pictures of them up close. I don't think they've ever seen hipster gayelles up close like that. Just don't feed the gayelles! They eat enough of each other.

These two have taken their lezzie act on the road again. This time they're spreading the gayelle cheer in Miami. And by "cheer" I mean fleas. Lesbian fleas.

Here's more of the hipster gayelles smoking fags in Miami. Speaking of smoking fags. I have a question for all the whores out there. That means it's time for the children and the Christians to leave the room. Okay, whenever a dude smokes a lot, his jizz usually tastes and smells like a fucking ashtray. Is it the same for chicks who smoke? Like does their lady juices taste like ciggie ash? Inquiring whores want to know. I want to know.