SamRo

While some of you are still sleeping and the rest of us are trying to wake the hell up by pinching our nipples and snorting coffee beans whole, Blohan is Tweeting. Or should I say she's freebase Tweeting. Whenever I write about celebwhores fighting on Twitter, I feel like I'm taking us all back to the cafeteria. This shit is just like junior high. Well, if we all went to junior high school in a crackhouse.

It seems that Blohan's crotch is burning up for a different reason this morning. I'm not completely fluent in Crackanese just yet, so I'm not sure what the hell she's trying to say. Can Courtney Love translate?

Basically, SamRo is a cheat, error-maker and "self-out" who thinks Blohan is gross and ruins "ANYTHI." Did I get that part right, at least? And who is SUBSTANISAN?! Is he hot? Really, I don't even know, but this shit is entertaining.

Here's Blohan leaving Waverly Inn last night just a few hours before she gave us "soooooo much insight" on Twitter this morning.

After SamRo finished having lunch with some of her friends yesterday, she shuffled on over to the parking and who did she run into?! Why it was none-other-than Stalker McStalky herself, HoHan!

Yup, she was just happened to be sitting in her car with The Police's "Every Breath You Take" blasting from her stereo, a pair of binoculars lying in her lap, a wig on her head, a pair of sunglasses on her face and a trench coat over her shoulders. Oh, you know HoHan just likes to spend her afternoons sitting in random parking lots for fun.

The two exchanged a few words and then SamRo rushed off to the nearest police station/tattoo parlor to get a restraining order permanently inked on her forehead. And later in the day, HoHan knew some shit was up so she busted into LAX with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and the two got out of town! The end.

On Monday morning, the sidewalk outside of SamRo's house was covered with tan grease-stained leggings, because those two had another fight which ended in HoHan's shit getting chucked out of a window. The sidewalk was also covered with alley cats carrying forks, because when SamRo threw HoHan's panties out, they thought the buffet was open for business.

The fight all started after SamRo came home from a night out with Drea De Matteo (who kind of looks like something that came out of White Oprah's snatch). The Daily Mail says that HoHan showed up at SamRo's front door, demanded to be let in and the two had another lezzie brawl of words. HoHan called her partner in pussy a "liar," which was SamRo's cue to throw all her crap out the window. HoHan had to run out and collect all her clothes before taking off.

Throwing clothes onto the street? Really, Samro? I thought her ass was smarter than that. That's not how you hurt or punish HoHan! SamRo should've just sat HoHan down and made her watch all of Labor Pains without commercials. Now that's real torture.

Yesterday was the day we were all reminded that HoHan is not a 45-year-old truck stop vagina vendor, but actually a 23-year-old girl. Twenty-three never looked so fresh and pure. Happy Birfdays, eh? HoHan took advantage of the day by dragging the object of her stalking, SamRo, to lunch in Malibu.

You know this shit was a special occasion, because they actually ate food stuff. And you know SamRo also did the eyeroll mambo while eating HoHan's chocha asada a little later. She had to. It was HoHan's BIRFDAY. You have to bust one your birthday. Just ask this trick.

And here's some news that will make your vagina burp. HoHan and SamRo have quit the love. You probably forgot due to a little condition called IDONTGIVEAFUCK-itis, but the 'gina bumpers got back together last month after breaking up in April. Now it's over again.

A source-type told E! News that they ended things last night after a fight about Nicole Richie...among other things. Apparently, Nicole Richie dry heaves every time HoHan is around. Nicole invited SamRo to a party last week, but told her not to bring her partner in pussy. The source went on to say, "Sam went to the party, and it really upset Lindsay."

Fittingly enough, after SamRo had words with HoHan, she went to dinner with Nicole. Right after dinner, SamRo dumped HoHan via text message and basically told her to stay out of her life FOREVER.

SamRo is really going to need to do better than that. A mean text message isn't going to keep HoHan from crawling into SamRo's bedroom window in the middle of the night and watching her sleep. If she knows what's good, SamRo will put Quween on the Scene on payroll!

And breaking up by text message doesn't count! It has to be done in person or by order of the court! SamRo should explore the latter option.

Yeah, right. These two drama lezzies will never be over. They will be eating each other's coochie tartare again this time tomorrow.

HoHan and SamRo are partners in pussay again! That's what HoHan claimed on her Twitter anyway. HoHan was in London humming the lyrics to The Police's "Every Step You Take" while following SamRo's every move in a bid to win her back. It worked! SamRo probably got tired of hiding under cars to evade HoHan, so she just gave in.

Before leaving the UK yesterday, Ho Tweeted: "Leaving London but with my favorite favorite!!!-travel buddy&great news to share!! Maybe.... ;)" That smiley face has a wonk eye, because it's drunk like its creator.

The two 'gina bumpers were also seen walking hand-in-hand into the VIP lounge at Heathrow. When they arrived back in Los Angeles, HoHan immediately put on the boots she bought at Brit Brit's yard sale and went on over to SamRo's house.

This is like Fatal Attraction, but with a happy ending for Glenn Close!

A source tells People that for weeks HoHan has been telling friends that all is well with SamRo, "They haven't started fighting yet, but they are back together as far as Lindsay is concerned. Lindsay has been doing so much better and has been giving Sam her space. She is really dedicated to making it work."

In related news, SamRo's family just filed a restraining order against the both of them.

HoHan is over in London, stalking SamRo, snorting up the country's supply of the bad shit and melting down in clubs. Yeah, HoHan is one of those friends who has an emotional breakdown in the middle of a club while you're trying to get your drunk on. Buzz. Kill.

Dean Piper of the Mirror says he witnessed HoHan curl up like a ball on the floor of London's Club Cuckoo. How fitting.

According to Dean, HoHan sat at the table next to him with a vodka drink in hand while mumbling shit like, “I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged.” It's called a K-hole, honey. Shake it off.

Somebody else who was there added, “She just wouldn’t stop saying she felt caged. She was just not all there and it really was like watching a broken girl in the middle of a complete breakdown. She spent much of the night furiously texting Sam Ronson – and wasn’t best pleased about the texts she was getting. Everyone with her was actually very concerned about her. She seemed like a girl on the brink of self- destruction.”

Seemed like a girl on the brink?! How about a girl who is riding first-class on the speed train to self-destruction. White Oprah's got a little conductor hat on and shouting "CHOO CHOO!"

I know we've all screamed about this a million times, but is it really so hard for White Oprah and Michael Lohan to pull their heads out of their own cunts and sort their daughter out. During Christmas one (every) year, I got drunk like a Wino and was acting the fool in the worst kind of way. My mother immediately grabbed my drink, poured it down the sink and told me to go sit in the bath tub until further notice. Why can't White Oprah do that? Send HoHan to the tub!

And here's our little caged bird leaving a business meeting with Emanuel Ungaro in London last night. The leggings and spray tan entrepreneur is expected to be named "creative consultant" of Ungaro.....

When SamRo is walking down the street in London and hears the splappity slap of vagina lips behind her, she better book it because a certain fauxmosexual is coming to git her!

The Daily Mail is saying that HoHan has followed SamRo to London in a bid to win her back (aka to get her to put a little love in her checking out). HoHan apparently scheduled photo shoots and club appearances in London for the same dates SamRo would be in town. SamRo's snatch isn't exactly smiling over the news.

Last night, SamRo and her brother Mark were at Bungalow 8 when HoHan blew in with her friends. It wasn't all hugs and titty rubs, because SamRo busted out of there. Two quick snorts later, HoHan left Bungalo 8 and followed SamRo down the road.

Since parting ways back in April, the two twatty bumpers haven't been photographed together, but HoHan has been seen leaving SamRo's pad in Los Angeles a couple of times. The plot thins yet again!

SamRo is due to be in London for about a week and you better believe HoHan will stay in town for at least that long. Meanwhile, SamRo better sleep with a bar of soap near her bed to ward off the Lohans. They don't get near the stuff.

Blohan confirmed that her cokey-tale romance with SamRo has dried up for now. Blohan said she wants to focus on herself. If she focused on herself even more she'd turn into a pussy pimple version of White Oprah, so that's not something I'd recommend.

Anyway, while Blo is "focusing on herself," the Ronsons are focusing to keep the crazy out of their lives. OK! Magazine says that yesterday evening SamRo's family went down to the Beverly Hills police station to ask about getting a restraining order against Blo.

Charlotte, SamRo's sister, apparently told the cops, "She was trying to get into my party this weekend. We had to tell security to keep her out. Then she booked a room at the Chateau Marmont. Her room was right below... She also followed our brother Mark around."

SamRo's mama je'e added in a really dramatic voice, "Lindsay was doing drugs. And we could not sleep that night at the Chateau. She was complaining about the music and noise coming from upstairs. She was trying to get attention, so that Sam could come down. She cuts herself too. She is a cutter! (insert swelling and dramatic violin music here)”

The Ronsons were told that they had to go down to the court to petition for a restraining order.

It's all fun and cokey until someone turns into a pink-wig-wearing Brit Brit. If White Oprah and Michael Lohan pulled their heads out of their own fat pussies, they could probably handle this bitch Intervention-style. Blo needs the calm voice of Candy Finnigan to tell her to wipe the white shit off her ass and get to detox before she turns into...well...into her own fucking mother. But that's not going to happen, so I guess we'll have to wait until scientists build a fucking time machine to take Blohan back to her Mean Girls days. And...SHE IS A CUTTER!!!!

I was looking for a picture to go with this post when I came across this wild dog chilling outside of SamRo's house last night. It looks like Blohan isn't the only wild beast stalking SamRo. This wild dog, who is probably just trying to get close to SamRo's stash, seems totally over the cokey lezzie drama. Yawn with the dog, snort some Red Bull and then read on....

Blohan tells E! News that it's true she has split up with her main labia licker after their pathetic weekend of tears, Twittering and twattery. She gave a brief little statement, "We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself."

That is a "Bitch got DUMPED!!!" statement if I ever read one. It's nice that Blo has a sense of humor. I mean, "focus on herself." What in the dick has she been focusing on for the past ten million years?! I don't see her walking children in nature!

Blohan better get herself a new sponsor, because dealers don't like it when you are more than 30-days late! Spread that snatch, because 8-balls don't buy themselves!

Or she needs to stumble into the desert, declare to some strangers that she's the daughter of God and then rebound from SamRo by marrying a cameraman with Dennis the Menace hair.

Image: Pacific Coast News