SamRo

Lindsay Lohan's former partner in pussy found herself smirking at the mug shot camera early this morning after she was arrested in Baker, CA (aka the gateway to Death Valley and home of the world's largest thermometer) for driving while in a state of drunk. That sound you hear is LiLo dropping her coke spoon to clutch at her fruit leather chest while saying, "Awww, she's trying to get closer to me."

TMZ says that at 10:30 this morning, SamRo was passing through Baker in her Porsche when the police pulled her over for speeding. SamRo DJ'd the night before at Lavo so the drunk probably hadn't settled yet. SamRo got an F- on a field sobriety test and then refused to blow on a Breathalyzer. (The cops should've known that SamRo is a muncher, not a blower. Rude of them!) They took SamRo down the station in Baker and gave her a Breathalyzer test there. SamRo blew over the legal limit. She was booked and later released.

SamRo is a dumb fuck douche (Wait. If you're a female douche, does that mean your vagina is self-douche-ing? Does that mean female douches smell like fish and chips and vinegar without the fish and chips?) for two reasons.

One: Driving drunk is some stupid shit, because it's stressful trying to operate a motor vehicle while drunk. It's disrespectful to the drunk experience! When drunk visits your body, you should savor it, love it, nurture it and hug it... You shouldn't stress it out! How dare that foot-faced asshole waste a perfectly good buzz by trying to drive a car! And you know, that whole "killing innocent people" thing isn't right either.

Two: When you get arrested for DUI in California, there's a good chance that you will be sentenced to alcohol education class and that means you'll probably find yourself sitting next to LiLo in one of those classes. Is SamRo's stupid ass trying to get stalked again? LiLo moved next door to SamRo, and now SamRo is moving into the desk next to LiLo's at booze education class. Seriously, most bitches in California don't drive drunk because they don't want to run into LiLo at the probation department. That really is a selling point for NOT committing a crime.

SamRo just... I can't with that bitch.

There was a rumor going around that SamRo and LiLo spent Valentine's Day together and might be bumping baginas again, but I took that with a grain of kitty litter masquerading as dirty coke. Lindsay Lohan will forever be the Alicia Silverstone to SamRo's Cary Elwes. SamRo will always find LiLo hiding out in her dirty laundry basket, sniffing her dildos for foreign pussy dust and trying to empty a wasps' nest into the vents when her new fuck partner is in the darkroom. It's just the way it is, but I didn't think SamRo would want to bring the crazy back into her life. But I guess she does.

TMZ posted a picture of SamRo and LiLo leaving a club early this morning while looking like they just snorting human brains. ZOMBIE HELL. And a few hours later, SamRo Tweeted the above Tweet. LiLo is a crazy bitch who stalked SamRo, broke out one of her windows, caused her family members to reach for a restraining order and she's still lounging to next to that inside/out Butterfinger? They must see episodes of The L-Word with flashes of the Northern Lights when they do it, because they are willing to go crazy for each other.

I'm sorry, but no pussy (or dick) is worth getting the words "nervous breakdown due to good pussy" scrawled on your mental health file. I think.

And while her little girl was passed out next to the Caucasian Skeletor, White Oprah was on Good Morning America for I don't even know. I guess when she made her pact with the devil, she agreed to terrorize the public with her face and delusions as much as possible. Here's White Oprah saying more of the same.

In case you don't want to watch the clip above because The Grudge has made you superstitious of dark-sided videos, here's a few things White Oprah covered:

On LiLo's advice to Charlie Sheen: "Just....get help."

On how she's morally correct: "My parents taught me well, just to live morally correct and be a good person. She's in Hollywood, she's under a microscope so it's a lot more difficult."

On how the media keeps trying to drag her family down: "God willing she won't go back to jail. It's not a happy moment for us. I really can't talk about the case, it's pending. We have great attorneys and the media makes it a lot worse than it really is. We stick to the facts. The media has gotten nothing wrong, it's just what you do."

On how George Stephanopoulos and the rest of the media keeps asking the wrong questions: "You're not focusing on her sobriety or how well she's doing. Nobody talks about the positive. Everyone just wants to knock you down."

On if LiLo's managers and agents are part of the problem: "We're working with her team. They're great people now. They are media experts. Lindsay is just a little girl who loves to work. I could care less if she does another movie. But you have to surround yourself with people who get the business."

On the mistakes she's made as a mother: "I'm learning as I go as well... You don't get a parent handbook. I'm a single mother of four kids and we're very close. It's been difficult and I can't say I have any answers but all we can do is love our kids and be there for them. And catch them when we fall. And instill what I've learned from my parents who have been married for 50 years."

On what LiLo wants: "Lindsay just wants everyone to leave us alone and let her live her life. Let her grow up. She's 24, and that's not young, she's a young woman. I just think...to just breathe."

When George ended the interview, White Oprah actually said something intelligent: "I have no idea what I just said."

At least that's what The Sun says SamRo told her friend who told The Sun. SamRo has already shaken her head NO to the rumor that she's got the remnants of Xtina's lead-based bronzer all over her hot pocket, but maybe she should tell that to her friend. Music producer Marlon David says Xtina, SamRo and an unnamed fuck partner had a threesome down in Mexico. And while SamRo was slurping on Xtina's tequila worm, she came (stop right there) to the realization that red lipstick don is a "hot piece of ass." Marlon opened his pie hole and spilled this out onto the floor of The Sun:

"Jordan was never comfortable with Xtina liking girls but he thought it would make the marriage work. Sam said she had a threesome with Xtina in Mexico last month, that's when she realized she was a 'hot piece of ass'. Sam said Xtina is 'horny as a college freshman'."

I realize that SamRo insists on posing like a douchebag frat boy who always feels like he has to overcompensate for the fact that he's not happy with his (NSFW) weeping willow foreskin, but does she have to talk like one to? I mean, "horny as a college freshmen"? And I bet that after she said that, she made Marlon smell her fingers since she hasn't washed them since Mehico. Okay, that made me swoon at the loins a bit. Ugh. I always fall for the douchebag frat boys. Even the douchebag frat boys with vaginas.

This story from Radar doesn't really come out and say that SamRo offered up her tongue for Xtina's weepy vag to cry on after her split from Bat Boy, but the source kind of insinuates this. Apparently, SamRo and Xtina's friendship became closer when the cave of true love Bat Boy shared with her collapsed into a million pieces. Xtina stopped trolling for chocha in gay bars and spent more time with SamRo instead. I swear, SamRo is the Captain Save-A-Ho of Hollywood .

The source went on to say this shit, "They've known each other forever and they're good friends. Samantha was in Mexico with Christina for Nicole's [Richie] bachelorette party. Christina and Sam grew closer as her marriage crumbled, and eventually Jordan found himself unnecessary in his wife's life."

Just because SamRo is wiping away Xtina's oily tears with a baby wipe dipped in Palmolive doesn't mean they're bumping baginas. And even if they are, it's for the best. I mean, the quickest way to stop crying through your eyes is to start crying panty pudding down below. The truth.

And the minute Lindsay Lohan gets out of rehab, she's gonna cut a bitch. Well, it's better than her cutting a line, right?

So far it's been an awful weeks for dogs and their admirers. Yesterday, my heart broken into a million sharp pieces that stabbed giant holes into my soul after I watched the (don't click unless you want your day completely ruined) worst video ever made. AND NOW THIS!

TMZ says that SamRo's pet bulldog Cadillac has been sent to live on the East Coast after he allegedly bit a 2-year-old Maltese named Tiger. No, Cadillac does not only eat pussy :( Tiger the Maltese later floated off to the great big velvet dog bed in the sky after she died from her injuries. Apparently, this isn't the first time Cadillac has attacked another dog in the building. Cadillac just got back from doggie behavior camp.

The attack happened yesterday morning at SamRo's apartment building in West Hollywood. SamRo was asleep when Cadillac bit at Tiger and Tiger's owner in the hallway. Neither dog was on a leash and nobody knows how Cadillac got out of SamRo's apartment. Animal Control showed up to investigate and after speaking with SamRo, they decided not to bring Cadillac in.

SamRo Tweeted her sadness about Tiger's death:

There is absolutely nothing I can say that will alter one minute of today, nothing. about 14 hours ago via web

I feel incredibly sad and wish I could offer more than condolences, unfortunately there are no words to describe how sorry I am.
about 13 hours ago via web

Tiger was also an up-and-coming doggy model! TMZ posted this picture of her at a charity event:

Rest in peace, Tiger

And in today's Twatter battles, we've got Joan Rivers melting in one corner and SamRo sitting in the other corner so mad that she could chew the dick off of David. It all started when Joan stepped up to the mic and made a few funny jokes about Lindsay Lohan's ridiculousness. Well, SamRo apparently thinks she's the only one who can point and laugh at LiLo, because she threw a "You so old the Museum of Natural History Museum wants to buy a lock of your pubic hair" joke at Joan Rivers.

This is what Joan wrote on her Twatter:

Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn't mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.
2:57 PM Jul 9th via web

Lindsay Lohan is so dumb. Her idea of being sworn in is cursing at the judge.
3:38 PM Jul 9th via web

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 Proof.
3:44 PM Jul 9th via web

Lindsay Lohan had "Fuck You" painted on her nails. What people don't know is that the judge had "Eat me you party skank," painted on hers.
about 22 hours ago via web

And SamRo tried to double fan kick Joan in the taint with this:

Hey Joan Rivers- you have collagen older than Lindsay, pick on someone your own age, oh wait, I guess people that old can't hear. #bully
about 16 hours ago via web

Yes, it's true that Joan Rivers eardrums retired years ago and are now carpet bowling champions at a seniors community in Boca, but what does that have to do with her READING SamRo's Tweet? The dumb bitch! SamRo might have a point about Joan Rivers being older than Larry King's first cock ring, but she should save her strokes for something else (leave your suggestions here). Because Joan simply #doesntgiveafuck.

via People

Lindsay Lohan's Twitter page is like an empty subway car on a Saturday night. There's always an incoherent crackie stumbling in to ramble away about something. It makes you want to put on your headphones and continue to pretend to read a book.

At around 2 this morning, Lindsay's numb fingers fought with her Blackberry keyboard to type out this Tweet about her ex-SamRo. According to Blohan, SamRo gave her a squirt to the face at a party. Isn't this how SamRo and Blohan usually greet each other? Who knows, but SamRo had this to say on her Twitter page. The non-plot thins:

Guess what didn't happen tonight......
about 5 hours ago via UberTwitter

OH, A GAME! Hm. Let's see, you didn't eat anything? You didn't kiss a peen? You didn't wash your underarms? You didn't play any good music? Am I getting warmer? Oh, wait, she's talking about spitting on Blohan.

Well, whoever spit on Blohan was just trying to do her a favor by giving her a bath. That's all. Blohan should really send them a thank you card.

Here's some thrilling pictures of Blo hiding her saliva site face while arriving at a club early this morning.

SamRo posed for the paps last night dressed like the simple boy in grade school who pees sitting down, eats raw instant oatmeal as a snack and regularly gets sent to the principal's office for smearing his booger's on another kid's face (aka me in the second grade aka me today).

You know, it's good and everything that SamRo is so excited about her sneakers, but she really should get excited about taking vitamins instead because homegirl is thisclose to looking like Mr. Burns. When you make Lindsay Lohan look like a spring daisy, it's time to start sprinkling an Emergen-C on every chocha you're about to eat.

On Friday there was a rumor going around the block that Lindsay Lohan threw a drink at SamRo during a fight at some club. Well, today there's a new story about how SamRo threw her fists at HoHan's face. This is what happens when Michael Lohan and fan fiction meet.

A source (aka The Bagina Basher of Long Island) close to both SamRo and HoHan tells Radar that there's some lezzie domestic violence shit going on. The source said, “One time I saw her [Lindsay] and she had a large welt on her head. She told me that Sam beat the (bleep) out of her. She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time.”

It doesn't help matters that SamRo moved into LiLo's apartment building, “It’s so twisted. They’re not together, but they are. I never thought I’d ever say this, but I really do feel sorry for Lindsay. She is just lost. She’s alone. She has no friends to turn to.”

While I'm sure the two have whooped each other over the last line, I don't know if I completely buy this. I just tried to envision LiLo as Sophia and SamRo as Harpo from The Color Purple, and it didn't work. I even pictured LiLo giving the "All my life..." speech to Pooty. Does not compute.

This rumor sounds like something that came out of Michael Lohan's ass during one of his more intense bowel movements. But if it is true, throw SamRo in the clink! Actually, SamRo surrounded by butch puss doesn't sound like much of a punishment. Throw her in White Oprah's basement instead!

Lindsay Lohan might be a crackity crackhead, pill popper, drunk, kleptomaniac, hoarder, compulsive liar, Pooty's arch rival, fame fucker and child pimp, but none of those things make me want to UPS her a straitjacket like this story from Radar. According to some witness (aka Pooty disguised as a potted plant), LiLo threw a cup of vodka (that's "angelic tears of joy" to you and me) in SamRo's face at a club on Wednesday night! EEEEE-LEGAL!

This source explained that SamRo was working her usual "pushing play on iTunes" gig at Crown Bar in West Hollywood when the crackie tornado busted through the doors.

The source goes on, "Lindsay was drinking straight out of a bottle of vodka and I saw her take an orange prescription bottle out of her bag and pop a couple of pills that she said were Adderal, she even offered some of the pills to a friend that was with her. Lindsay was trying to get Sam's attention, but she was working and studiously ignored Lindsay. You could see Lindsay getting more and more worked up the more Sam didn't pay her any attention. Sam just got sick of it all in the end though and started taunting Lindsay about her being all drunk and messed up. She said to Lindsay, 'Why don't you just have another drink?' and even told her, 'You're a disgrace'.

That made Lindsay just totally flip out on Sam. She picked up a drink and threw it straight in her face! Sam was absolutely furious and picked up some DJ equipment that was by her and threw that at Lindsay. It was crazy!"

That's crazy alright. It's certifiable. LiLo's craziness has really snorted up the line this time. And I thought she respected the booze! How dreadful.

I mean, I'm sure LiLo has thrown vodka at SamRo before, but usually she aims for the vag and sticks a celery stalk in there. Breakfast of champions.

Here's the booze-abuser going to dinner at Madeo last night.