SamRo

The dehydrated human dildo known as SamRo uploaded this picture of a cokey cake to her Twitter, because she probably wanted to show Blohan what kind of shit she's missing out on. It's a good thing Blo wasn't around, because she would've wasted that delicious cake by snorting it up one take.

And whoever gave SamRo this cake probably thought the only way to get her to eat something besides rotten pussay pie was to sprinkle a little of her favorite dust on top. Cakehead!

Source: Guest of a Guest VIA Jossip

So it looks like Blohan is off the snatch which means every peen in Hollywood should be crawling up in between its owner's ass cheeks to keep safe. Blohan might be back on the prowl after SamRo quit her crazy ass for good. SamRo really means it this time you guys, because she even changed the locks on her front door and everything!!!! Yeah, this must be SamRo's first time dealing with a lunatic with nothing else better to do than find ways to break in. Changing the locks won't do shit!! Blohan will squeeze her skanky bony ass through the air conditioning ducts if she really wants in.

Obviously, she didn't, because she took her ass to the Chateau Marmont, where I'm pretty sure you can order the bad shit through room service. Blo was photographed there yesterday with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and White Oprah. Oh, of course White Oprah was there. Blohan had a case of the lezzie sads and nothing makes her feel better like a bowl of her mom's home-cooked Xanax soup. The paparazzi also caught Blo giving me a case of deja vu while riding up to her hotel early this morning.

At this point, some whore just needs to leave a trail of coke from the Chateau Marmont to Casa de Cheeto, so Daddy Spears can sort her the fuck out with his cheese grits. Because if some shit doesn't happen, Blohan is going to go "shave your head" crazy. Although, the bitch kind of needs to shave her head since that weave is looking like something Kim Zolciak's wig queefed out.

Where are the paparazzi when you really need them, because last night a cracked out lizard tried to slither into a JcPenney party and got SHUT DOWN. That magical moment would been the perfect thing to play at parties especially since Blohan apparently tried to start a massacre and had to be held back by 5 bouncers. Oh, how you know she pulled out of one White Oprah's favorite lines: "Do you know who I am?" They did know who she was and that's why they denied the bitch.

You see, OK! Magazine says that the party was for Charlotte Ronson's new fashion line for JcPenney. The whole Ronson family was there and SamRo specifically told the organizers not to let Hurricane Crackwhore through the doors. Sources say Blohan even knew she wasn't supposed to show up, but like Tommy Girl to a peen, she just couldn't help herself. Shit got so heated after Blohan got a stop sign at the door that she had to be "restrained from coming in by five security guards."

Those five security guards are weak in the brains! You don't even need to touch Blohan to get her to leave. Just walk down to the sidewalk, open up an 8-ball and sprinkle the goodness all over the floor. That cokeyeater would have feverishly sniffed up every last grain long after the party was over.

So I guess this mean that SamRo and Blohan are no longer partners in pussay for now. These two lezzies are like an Ambert Lambert performance. They are so fucking over-the-top!

Here's some pictures from that JcPenney (HA! AGAIN!) shit last night. Maury Povo needs to pay Mark Ronson a little visit, because I still don't believe he's related to any of those turtle people.

Try not to look to surprised when the drugged-out, stringy homeless person begging for coins on the freeway off-ramp has a face that only White Oprah could love, because the NYDN says Blohan is broke as a joke. One of Blo's friends said she's living the American way by using her credit cards to pay for a bunch of her dumb shit. And when she's not maxing out her plastic (Suze Orman just turned inside/out), she's making her own personal Brandon Teena pick up the tab.

The only cash that is coming in are from personal appearances Blohan makes at clubs and that's not cutting it. Her friend said, "She has no cash. The problem is, the money being spent is mostly Sam’s because Lindsay doesn’t really have any of her own at the moment; she’s really taken on the ‘man’ role in their romance. Sam really thinks Lindsay needs to learn how to become a recessionista and manage her money better.”

Blohan needs to learn that money doesn't always sprout out of twats, even if she nibbles the clit a little. It's time to make some changes. Instead of snorting up Colombia's finest, she's going to have to switch to huffing gas out of car gas tanks (it's free!). Instead of Red Bull and Vodka, she'll have to join the rest of us and drink Nikolai vodka and RC Cola in the parking lot before we go into the club. Instead of spending $800 on getting extensions, she'll have to follow Parasite Hilton around and catch the tracks that come falling off her head.

Crash. Smash. Pink. Heart. BROKE. BITCH.

The two rabid cokey beavers known as HoHan and SamRo apparently went to war today and it got so fucking messy that the cops had to be called. One of those coketards even broke a front window. Blohan probably flipped out because SamRo plugged the toilet trying to flush down the bad shit after the po po came a knocking. So SamRo's favorite dildo went out the window!

The police rang the doorbell and expected to be asked in for tea and crumpets, but that shit didn't happen. Those rude motherfuckers didn't even answer. TMZ says that the cops were also trying to serve Blohan with the arrest warrant that was issued last night.

After ringing that shit for a while, the cops finally left SamRo's front door, paced the driveway for a bit and finally quit that bitch. Word is that HoHan's lawyer set her up with a court hearing on Monday morning to deal with fucking up her probation, so she probably won't get arrested this weekend. But if HoHan even sticks one of her caca-covered toes out in public, she could end up in handcuffs. So if bitch is smart (which she isn't) she'll keep her face in SamRo's hot bran muffin until Monday.

Blohan's lawyer told People that the whole arrest warrant thing is just a misunderstanding and they'll settle it in court on Monday. Her lawyer said: "Since her case was resolved, Ms. Lohan has been in compliance with all the terms and conditions of her probation and all orders of the court. The warrant issued on Friday was, in our view, born out of a misunderstanding which I am confident I can clear up next week."

It's always a misunderstanding with these stupid ass celebwhores. If it was one of us, that door would have been broken down and our asses would have been dragged out screaming about how it's going to be massacuh if they don't let us go! By midnight our lips would be on concrete and our asses would be in the air. Real fucking talk!

(The title is dedicated to my abuelita. It's always Balentine's Day to me.)

HoHan and SamRo can't even stop fighting like a pair of mangy lezzie raccoons on the one where you're not supposed to fight with the bitch who is sucking on your open-face roast beef sandwich (with swiss). Early this morning, those angry lezzies were at it again after leaving the Eldridge Lounge in NYC. They walked all the way to their hotel while screaming at each other and sucking on fag sticks. That's what the pappies claim anyway.

They say HoHan sas yelling at SamRo, "I'm sorry! Forgive me!" The skank's nose must have ate the last 8-ball. Or she accidentally ate a dick. One of those. These pieces of trash need to stop with that narcotic and pick up a bong instead. Make bong, not war. They are so fucking angry-like.

SamRo needs a change her diet of fags, Red Bull and bits of HoHan's clitty litter, because she's looking like one of the shriveled crotch worms that live under Skeletor's nutsack. She's the perfect shade of BEAT. She has a face that only a methadone clinic could love. She should take the hint and drop the bad fish. That shit is not good for her. SamRo needs a hot gayelle that will be a good influence on her. Too bad Clay Gayken isn't single.

Anybeatdownlezzie, SamRo and HoHan were back together on the streets of Beverly Hills yesterday. There were many rumors flying around that they were no longer grinding their snatches in each other's faces. It seems like shit is back on for now.

And if you live in the DC area, you better stock up on your choice narcotic, because these two are coming next week for Obama's inauguration and they will clean the city out!!! Keep your drug drawer full and stay inside.

Last month, HoHan was spotted "nuzzling" on Sean Penn in NYC. I figured she was just trying to snort out a little sugah-covered booger chunk from his nose. Well, Ho and Penn were back together at Nobu in L.A. the other night. A nosy ho told Celebuzz (via P6), "Sean was the only guy at a table full of Lindsay and her friends. The whole table chatted and chain-smoked."

Lily Allen was absolutely right. Coke isn't one of Satan's minions. It also brings people together. If it wasn't for the candy dust, Ho and Penn might not be sharing laughs and fags at dinner. Can you imagine their conversation. Actually, there's probably not a lot of talking going on. They just stare at each other, licking their lips, sniffing their noses and wiping their snot. Then they get up and go to the bathroom, come back, sit down, and do it all over again. I doubt they're bumping it.

But if they were, what would their couple name me? I'm thinking HoPenn. Well, let's drop the unnecessary n and put an e in its place where it rightfully belongs. HoPeen! Perfect.

Oh and what about that sad little lesbian SamRo? Page Six says that she really did end their shit, but HoHan is in denial. Some source said, "Sam broke up with Lindsay but she is completely in denial about it."

When someone dumps your ass and you're not ready to let go of their good sexin' or their wallet, the best thing to do is pretend like it never happened. That way you can just skip on up and demand they lick your orgasm maker or give you some cash. If you whine and persist long enough, they'll finally just give in to shut you up.

If you ever need a spokeswhore, hire HoHan, because her statements always sound like they were written by a 9-year-old girl (or me). When asked by Life & Style if it was true that she was no longer scissoring SamRo's clam box, she said, "We didn't break up. No. People need to stop creating drama, it's gross." Personally, I would've added an "Ewwwwww" and a "Shut up!"

The gross rumor HoHan is ewwwing about is that she's moved out of SamRo's house and their lezzietale romance has come to an end. Access Hollywood called it and so did TMZ.

Not only did HoHan gross about it with Life & Style, but she also went on her own blog to deny that shit, because it's not like she's doing anything else. She wrote:

RUMORS

little piece of TRUE information:

we did NOT break up!

access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six... AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It's really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw, i read, etc... NOT TRUE

It's gross. NOT TRUE. And the GOSSIP needs to stop. Got it?! Good. But wait. Do you think creating drama is gross when you leak it to the tabloids for extra coke cash? HoHan thinks not.

You know, I'm glad to hear they're not breaking up, because this is not how it's supposed to end! HoHan's supposed to roll on Ecstasy, wander through rural Fresno, knock on a stranger's door and tell them she's the daughter of God. That's how real fauxmosexuals end their lezzie relationships. I hope HoHan learned something from Anne Heche.

P.S. - The only thing gross about any of this is HoHan's bi-color weave in that picture above.

Here we go again. Somebody put the hose on these two gayelles. Or throw a coke dust-covered dildo in the corner to keep HoHan busy for a while. I swear. HoHan and SamRo are always fighting.. Everywhere. They should be finger jacking each other. Not fighting.

Page Six has been tracking HoHan and SamRo's war battles in Miami. The first battle took place at Set in Miami with both of their families around? If White Oprah was in their presence, they should have join forces and attacked that whore instead of each other.

The real epic battle happened on New Year's Eve at Mansion where they shared hosting duties. A witness said they started screaming out each other and the fight quickly moved to the back alley. Okay, this is what I like to hear. The source said, "It was a really gross alley. There was a bum eating a sandwich watching the whole thing. Lindsay was really unstable and flipping out."

Gross?! The source doesn't know true glamour when they see it. That sounds fucking hot. I always try to do all my fighting in back alleys with sandwich-eating bums serving as my audience. Add a song by Vanity 6 as the soundtrack and that shit right there would have been the most glamorous event of 2009.

When the two angry lezzies got back to their hotel at around 11am, they started bitch fighting! Several whores said they could hear the two trashing their room and that's when they took the fight to the hallways. One source said, "They were punching each other - it was bad. And they were doing this in front of all of us. It was scary."

Again, who are these sources? Scary?! That is far from scary. That is entertainment right there. Obviously, none of these witnesses own a camera phone. I would've been telling those two fightin' dykes to smile and say "dental dam" for my camera while they were kicking each other in the bagina bone.

The source said at one point HoHan dropped to her knees and shouted "Why are you doing this to me?" SamRo responded, "I don't know you."

HAHAHAHAH! "I don't know you" is the best line ever! That shit always works when you want to exude hardcore emotion. Just make sure your bottom lip is quivering and one tear is coming down your cheek just as you're about to say "know you." I think I've said that at least a million times. The last time was when my dry cleaner told me he raised the prices on slacks.

I bet you HoHan and SamRo were fighting over something really stupid. HoHan probably wanted to top just once and SamRo wasn't going to share the strap-on.

Above is video from New Year's Eve at Mansion of the two having words. The worst part of the clip is that SamRo is playing "Woomanizah." This means that the song is back in my brain area for at least 48-hours. I just finished exorcising that shit out of my head by listening to The Facts of Life theme song over and over again. "Woomanizah" is back for more torture.

And here's some pictures of HoHan looking a lot cheerier while vising a friend's house yesterday. Her vagina must be pleased because she's smiling!