SamRo

If you're ever walking down the street and spot a sad little gayelle, it's your duty as a citizen of this planet to hug her like you would a 9" peen. Because nobody wants to see lesbian with the sads. That's exactly what HoHan did while she was having coffee with SamRo in some parking lot in Los Angeles the other day. And you know HoHan was thinking of 9" peen. And SamRo sort of looks like a dirty peen with that black stocking cap, so this helped out HoHan even more.

Speaking of SamRo's ensemble, does it mean that I'm turning lesbian because I think SamRo's boots are kind of hot? Maybe I am turning lesbian, because I was really excited to go shopping at fucking Home Depot yesterday. If you see me get wet over The L-Word, immediately turn on a CeCe Peniston song to turn me gay again.

Here's SamRo and HoHan hugging in a parking lot the other day. I also threw in some pictures of HoHan leaving the salon yesterday with a dude who has obviously been rifling through SamRo's dirty laundry.

Gatecrasher says that gayelle DJ SamRo made nearly $3 million last year. Yes, for plugging her iPod in, pressing play and then going off to the bathroom to squeeze on HoHan's clitty or something. Speaking of HoHan, she's the whole reason why SamRo is raking in the cash. When SamRo started spitting on HoHan's carrot muffin ------ Wait. Let's hold that thought for a quick minute and discuss something off-topic. Sidebar!

Why in porn do whores always spit on dicks and coochies? I've never done this shit in real life! Seriously, when a porn ho is sucking on a dick, every now and again she spits on it! The dude will usually moan "Spit on my prick" or something stupid like that. The same goes for the dudes. When he's feasting on snatch, he spits a loogie on it like he's getting ready to give it a shoe shine. It's bizarre! If someone spit on my privates, I'd slap them in the tongue. Don't disrespect my private area like that! Sidebar over....

When SamRo started spitting on HoHan's carrot muffin, her rate went from $1,500 to as much as $25,000 a night. An inside source said that promoters know that if they book SamRo her partner in pussy is probably going to tag along. The source went on to say, “Sam’s now asking for a lot more money to spin, and she’s getting it easily.”

One of SamRo's friends said she doesn't need HoHan to make cash. “She’s always had money, and relied more on [famous deejay brother] Mark for getting gigs booked. In fact, Sam made Lindsay hot again!”

Who cares why SamRo is making $25,000 a night! The fucked up thing is that she's making that much to seriously put her iTunes on "party shuffle." SamRo is the saddest little DJ ever. She just stands there with a frown on her face, poking at her laptop. She looks like she'd rather be getting a pap smear from Freddy Krueger.

Seriously, SamRo is no DJ Spinderella. Now that bitch deserves $3 million a year.

Nobody likes a sad little lesbian. When lesbians are sad, we're all sad. So this story about SamRo having a bad case of the sads, puts a frown on my face. Actually, I really have a frown on my face because it's Monday morning and I'm out of SANKA!!!!! Luckily, I have one coffee single and a Red Bull left. Mix those two together and problem solved!

The bitches at Life & Style say that friends of SamRo are worried about health, because on Saturday night she called all of them in a panic. One friend didn't really say why she called all worried-like, but they did say, "She was calling around. She knew she had done something wrong. She's been suffering from depression and from lack of food and sleep."

TMZ says that SamRo was shuffled off to the hospital yesterday. They say it wasn't life-threatening, but that she might have stayed overnight.

All this shit is so mysterious! What the hell really happened? Did she burn her tongue on HoHan's firecrotch? Wait. Maybe like everyone in Hollyweird, she's knocked up! That would make almost anyone depressed. Hey, it could happen! HoHan probably has a ton of stored-up jizz in her snatch area. So when she bumped ham wallets with SamRo, a rogue spermie jumped into SamRo's vagina and voila!

If that's not the case, then SamRo just needs to eat more coochie, tickle more coochie, hug more coochie, sleep on more coochie, smile on more coochie and laugh on more coochie. If she does all that, everything will be alright again!

HoHan was on the hunt last week and set her cokey eyes on the raggedy piece of chewed-up man meat known as Sean Penn. According to Fox News' Roger Friedman, HoHan showed up solo to a private dinner for the movie "Milk" at NYC's John Dory restaurant last week. Some witness type said HoHan slid next to Sean and they "nuzzled." I wish the witness type would've said "canoodling." The word "nuzzled" should not be allowed anywhere near HoHan or Sean Penn. The word "nuzzled" was only meant for the Shina Ibu Live Cam Puppies and nothing else!

Besides, Sean and HoHan weren't really nuzzling. HoHan probably sniffed out some of the white shit and her nose led her directly to Sean. She got close so that she could snort the booger sugar directly from his nose. The ho thinks she's slick.

In other fauxmosexual news, HoHan once again wrote on her MySpace blog that she has not broken up with SamRo. YES, we get it. You two are still playing clit hockey. No need to say it ten million times. HoHan also declared her love for writing! Here's a little bit of her post:

i say everything here on myspace. okay. well, i hope that all the gossip magazines and sites, and lurkers read this cuz it's not true. ahh! i love myspace because i can just write, and i love writing, and i can prove all the liars wrong... wow- the people that make shit up must really feel silly, embarrassed, out of stories, scr*w*d, f*ck*d, punk'd, and so much more. because, i can use myspace and just let everyone know what's really going on. which is so much more fun!

Writing? Is that what she calls it? The ho abuses commas more than I do and that's saying a lot. Seriously, coke blogging is not the way to go.

And here's this generation's Virginia Woolf at the Farmer's Market in L.A. yesterday.

Busy updating her MySpace blog that is. In between her hectic schedule of buying fugly clothes, getting flour bombed and making cocktails on the sly, HoHan has written a couple of posts about her partner in pussy and her hatred for Facebook.

Sometime this morning, while SamRo was probably connecting her freckles with her tongue, HoHan wrote this:

oy vey! rumors..

just to clear this up.. because i have been getting a lot of emails asking me this one question.

samantha ronson and lindsay lohan (me) are NOT breaking up
:)

Oy gey! Okay. You can file that under: useless shit you might want need to make small talk with a bitch you don't really like. You know, when you're stuck with a bitch you don't really like and there's an uncomfortable silence, just say, "Oh. You know HoHan and SamRo didn't break up." The bitch will just nod and then you can feel better about yourself knowing that you at least tried.

On Monday, HoHan wrote about how she's having a fight with Facebook. Her life is seriously really stressful:

i signed onto facebook with my new password because someone keeps hacking into my account, and when i typed my password and "log in" name in, a red sentence came up saying..

Account Disabled
Your account has been disabled by an administrator. If you have any questions or concerns, you can visit our FAQ page here.

wow! i was in shock. i clicked on the link that they told me to click on and then to another link that said: my account may of been disabled by mistake. once i got to that it gave a note saying why it was disabled which stated the note saying that it was disabled because they believe that i was a fake of myself. genius. here i am loving facebook (as well as myspace-hehe) but going on facebook to talk to some of my friends and they are thinking that I AM THE "FAKE" OF MYSELF!!! hahahahahaha.. at first i laughed, and then i got angry. angry because, with ALL the people that PRETEND to be me on facebook, they decide to say I AM THE FAKE- of myself. all i can think is, WHO is running this site? and how can they just "disable" my account without first, sending me a warning notice, or AT LEAST asking me some account verification questions. here they are re-designing the look on the site when they should be setting up a more secure way of allowing people to set up an account. i wasn't even under my name, i had a fake name on my account because, obviously i didn't want everyone on facebook to know it was me.

maybe i am just venting, but i am also writing this blog in hopes that the people at facebook will un-disable my account and allow me to sign in the EXACT same way it was, same friends, same emails, same "pets" and so on..

phew! i'm glad i got that off my chest, i needed to let it out somewhere, and myspace has always been the best place for me to do it, especially if i hope for something to change....

Now that Obama is president, I believe that his first priority will be to change Facebook's mistreatment of celebwhores. Don't worry your little gayelle head, HoHan!

As you know, HoHan was caught on a security camera making herself a little Red Bull and vodka at Lotus in DC. Yeah, color me not fucking surprised. That's kind of ironic since the color of not fucking surprised is an orangy shade of diarrhea. Just like the color of HoHan's skin! On the same tape, SamRo and HoHan were also caught kissing. Again, color me with an orangy shade of diarrhea.

HoHan is probably texting available dick while her tortured lezzie lover is trying to lick the tan grease off her face. She could try and look a little bit interested in SamRo's tongue. When HoHan wrote that MySpace blog about voting and shit, SamRo was probably blowing saliva bubbles into her cooze. You know it's true love when you're comfortable enough to blog while getting your pie tossed.

These pictures also have me thinking about how many fucking security cameras have caught me with my ass in the air doing slut shit. There's probably like a secret underground group of graveyard shift security dudes who get together and watch bitches do effed up shit without knowing they are being taped. So the next time you're thinking of licking your man's peen head in an elevator, think about the horny security dude who may be watching you. I don't know. That may turn your slutty ass on even more.

Below is a video of HoHan sneaking a cocktail and getting kissed on by SamRo while intensely focusing on her texting device.

I don't know why HoHan looks like one of the Siamese Cats from "Lady and the Tramp" in the picture above. Maybe it's from eating too much pussay. Naw. That's not why she has cat face, because she obviously hasn't been nibbling on the punane rod lately. She's been too busy fighting with SamRo! Page Six claims that shit has gotten so dramatic that they started going to therapy together.

A source said, "They fight every day, screaming, crying and yelling at each other. Sam and Lindsay are still very much together and very much in love, but drama just seems to follow Lindsay, and Sam hates it. She deals with Lindsay every day. And every day for Sam means questioning, 'Is this worth it?' "

They don't need a therapist to tell them what the problem is: HoHan wants dick. Plain and simple. That's the problem with having a relationship with a "maybe bi-sexual." Sometimes you can't serve them the meal they want. It never worked out for me. The last bi-bitch I dated liked the snatch as much as he liked the peen. I'm a jealous whore as it is, so when we went out, I had to go off and chicks and dudes! It's double the work. I knew I couldn't hang with that shit when I actually screamed the words, "You wish I had a pussy!" When you start spouting that kind of shit, it's time to call it a fucking day.

SamRo is finding out the hard way.

Here's HoHan, SamRo and SamRo's mommy at the $30 million opening party of the Atlantis resort in Dubai. What recession?

HoHan and SamRo got into a fight in London last night over a big dick named Calum Best. That's what The Sun claims anyway. HoHan used to rub her worn-out kitty all over Calum's Gouda peen and the two met up again at a club. A source said HoHan and Calum danced together which made SamRo one angry lezzie. HoHan and SamRo apparently started fighting which ended in both of them leaving the club.

They got into the car together, but when they arrived back at their hotel, SamRo stormed off in a cloud of saw dust. You know, because lezzies like wood working and stuff. Yeah, the joke doesn't really work if I have to explain it in detail. Just give me an endearing look and continue eating your panini.

HoHan stayed behind in the car for around 10-minutes. One source said, "It was quite clear something was up. Lindsay had tears in her eyes as she left."

Okay, you know shit is bad when you're fighting about Calum Best! The douche isn't even hot when you look at him upside down while jacking it. Almost everyone is hot when your head and genitals are fighting for blood flow. Don't look at me that way!

Here's more of the weepy maybe bi-sexual last night. Wait. Is Calum Best wearing fur?! Where's that crazy French flour bomber when you need her?

A fur-hating crazy bitch dropped a flour bomb all over HoHan in Paris on Friday night (click here for video) and SamRo has come to her lezzie lover's defense. SamRo put on her nut stompin' combat boots, rolled up her flannel shirt and blogged about the whole thing. SamRo loves fur! This is sort of breaking news, because does this mean that HoHan is growing out her busted Sphynx kitty?

Here's some of the shit SamRo wrote. This is the Cliff Notes version, but you can click here to read the whole post:

PETA should focus their efforts on educating people on what they believe are injustices instead of seeking press via harassing those in the limelight. I received an apology too many days late from the PETA folks (the blog removal was too little too late) and today I'm pissed at the bag of flour thrown on Lindsay last night. Not because I got powdered down, but because the girl who threw it acted like an animal herself. I take that back, it's an insult to animals to group her in with them, my dog is FAR more civilized than that person. I would have more respect for them if they didn't use other people to get their point across. Lindsay, Mary Kate, Ashley Olsen, Anna Wintour and the rest of the targeted celebrities aren't the problem, I'm pretty sure they're not the only ones wearing fur, in fact, they should be appreciated by PETA for giving them a target. If it weren't for them, who would get them press????? (MK Note: Peta just spontaneously combusted)

I know I'm probably going to get a lot of angry emails in response, but I don't really care. I got enough last week for no reason so I'm more than happy to ignore the nastiness after seeing what I saw last night. I'm not about to throw on a fur coat in retaliation, but had I had one within reach, I'm not sure I would have walked away from it.

p.s. when was the last time you saw an animal attack one of its own in defense of a human? hmmmmm..... that's one to grow on!

p.s.s. i think there are plenty of families that could have used that flour for a meal. nice job, lady.

You know that night she totally threw a "fur coat" on her tongue! And she loooooved, looooved it!

P.S. - For SamRo's information, my pooch has been known to bite at another dog for giving me the side-eye. Okay, it's never really another dog, but one of his stuffed toys. And they usually don't give me shade, they just lay there and my dog likes to bite at them. But still! That counts.

P.P.S. - It's not like the crazy bitch threw a Duncan Hines cake mix, with 2 cups of water and 2 eggs on HoHan. It was just fucking flour! And now I really want some cake.

Here's HoHan and SamRo doing stuff in Paris. HoHan is missing something in these pictures. Missing a big load of white flour on her head!

HoHan was making her way into the VIP Room in Paris last night when someone busted a huge white load all over her. And it wasn't jizz! It wasn't coke either! It was fucking flour. Yeah, the crap you makes pies with and shit. The flour got all over the dead furry animal laying over HoHan's greasy ass shoulders. The bitch who busted the load shouted, "Lindsay Lohan, fur hag!" Wait. Rewind. I thought the Olsen trolls already took that title?

The HBIC of Peta Europe issued this statement about the whole thing: "There is nothing remotely 'fashionable' about the torture and death of animals killed for fur. Lindsay Lohan might be able to ignore images of bloody animals skinned alive for their pelts, but we hope a dash of flour will help her rise to the occasion and forsake fur once and for all."

HoHan has had worse things explode on her, so I'm sure she really didn't give a fuck. HoHan and SamRo probably thought it was a fucking coke bomb and started snorting that shit up like hungry anteaters.

The gross part of this whole story is that there aren't any pictures of this beautiful flour bukkake moment. BOO! The next time a bitch decides to drop a flour load all over HoHan, they better get pictures, video and run a live feed. I'd even buy tickets to that show.

UPDATE: Click here to see the flour rain all over HoHan. HA! Apparently the owner of the club vacuumed the flour off her ass, so she could go out and pose for the pictures below. It would've been faster if they told her the flour was really booger sugar. She would have cleaned that mess up in 10-seconds flat.