Sandra Bullock

Soon Vanilla Gorilla will be able to suck on a dozen swastika-adorned snatches out in the open, because word on the block is that Sandra Bullock will stick divorce papers up his ass. A source tells Radar that as mistresses continue to fall from the sky, Sandra is making plans to officially leave Vanilla Gorilla, because she's already been in one bus crash and she's not going to do it again. The source added that Sandra is meeting with a divorce lawyer, “She’s had enough. She’s ending the marriage.”

Hopefully, Sandra divorce negotiations with Vanilla Gorilla will look something like this:

Sandra's rep hasn't confirmed this shit, but they did respond to the rumors that she's planning to adopt Vanilla Gorilla's chirruns with his ex-wife. Cinnabun can stop making plans to hide in one of the kids' suitcases, because it's not going to happen. The rep said, "There are no plans, nor have there ever been any plans, for Sandra Bullock to adopt any of Jesse James's children."

Finally, Radar also reports that Sandra has left her Hollywood Hills home and is now hiding out in some "undisclosed location." My guess is that she's hiding in Keanu Reeve's cardboard house under the bridge, because not even a sewer rat (aka Jesse James) would go there.

So now you have a few things to talk about with your fuck buddy during that awkward in-between moment. You know, that moment where you're covered in his love and waiting for him to get you a baby wipe (a curtsy to Terrence Howard).

Jesse James' alleged fourth side-piece has decided to take a seat in the audience instead of performing in Vanilla Gorilla's Circus of Whores.

The ho in question, who has been described as a model and business woman, hired Gloria Allred to represent her in case she decided to go public with her story. Gloria said that mistress whore #4 (that really should be the name of fragrance) has hundreds of text messages and pictures proving that she mashed Vanilla Gorilla's banana for more than three years.

But now none of us will see these so-called text messages, but she has slipped back into her cleavage and won't share anytime soon. Gloria tells Radar today, “The woman has decided she will not tell her story.”

I think it's safe to assume that Vanilla Gorilla sealed her lips with a PayPal kiss. Gloria Allred is seriously a master at the whore game. Her client gets to finally make a down payment on that townhouse in the Valley she's been eyeing, and she gets to do it without being thrown into the same skank pile as Boobshit McGee.

Vanilla Gorilla is getting one trick closer to beating Tiger Woods' record, because a fourth side ho has come forward claiming that she too fucked Jesse James on the down low for 3 years. Mistress whore number four (I made a rhyme!) comes complete with protection. Radar says that the fourth mistress has already hired famed mistress protector Gloria Allred to represent her. Gloria says that her client isn't sure if she's want to go public or not.

Let me break it down for you. What Gloria really means is that the ho in question is waiting for Vanilla Gorilla to ejaculate a wad of cash all over her lips in exchange for her silence. Gloria is a lady, so she doesn't talk dirty.

Gloria also said,"I represent a beautiful model and businesswoman. She had a three year intimate relationship with Jesse James."

WAIT! Did she just say "businesswoman"?! Um. Did this "beautiful model" register as an official businesswoman with the Busineswoman Czar Lisa Wu Hartwell:

While Lisa Wu checks on that, read the rest of Gloria's statement: “He pursued her and had strong feeling for her. She is in the process of trying to decide if she will come forward. She has proof of their relationship including hundreds of text messages, emails and photos. The relationship JUST RECENTLY ENDED after the scandal broke."

Once more mistresses come forward, someone should organize a Ho-lympics. Vanilla Gorilla's mistresses vs. Tiger Woods' mistresses! There can be events like the sext-athlon (who can make a dude bust a nut from a text message the fastest) and the 300-meter race (who can put all her clothes back on and run through the sprinklers in heels before his wife gets home). This must happen!

There's almost as many stories going around about Jesse James' adventures in skankery as there are STDs fermenting in his peen hole. Almost. So I've compiled most of the juicy ass warts in one post for your enjoyment. It's less painful if you drink it in one shot. And here we go....

1: A third trick is claiming that she's a card carrying member of Vanilla Gorilla's Gang of Gutter Tramps. Unlike the other two, this one doesn't thrust her crotch for a dollar. Brigitte Daguerre is a photographer from Los Angeles who tells TMZ that she licked on Vanilla Gorilla's banana four times in one year. They exchanged hundreds of sext messages, and he even told her that he wanted to be her monkey. Why does Jesse's taint get moist for monkeys?! Why would I not be surprised if Koko is named as Jesse's fourth mistress.

2: Vanilla Gorilla's ex-wife, porn star Janine, is currently living in a halfway house and she managed to get her roommate off the hallway pay phone so she could call the media. Janine is currently fighting Vanilla Gorilla for custody of their 6-year-old daughter Sunny. Sunny has been living with VG and Sandra until Janine gets her shit together. Janine says that she hopes Sandra will continue to have a relationship with her daughter, "Sunny loves Sandy and vice versa. She's welcome to be a part of every aspect of Sunny's life."

3: Daniel Nardicio from Playgirl tells Life & Style that they will gladly pay Vanilla Gorilla $500,000 if whips out his platano for their cameras. We're already watching VG fuck himself for free on a daily basis, so this is a pretty good offer.

4: Vanilla Gorilla settled a sexual harassment lawsuit in 2007 with a woman who was a high-level executive in his company. The woman kept a ton of dirty e-mails from VG. In one e-mail, the woman told VG that her stomach was upset and she needed some TUMS. He wrote back, "I have some special fluid that you can drink and it makes it all better." Maybe he had a bottle of banana-flavored Milk of Magnesia in his desk drawer. Because man milk does not calm an angry stomach. It makes your breath smell like curdled goat milk, but it does not cure an upset stomach. VG and the woman settled for $725,000.

5: AND another one of VG's former employees at West Coast Choppers claims he sexually harassed her in 2000. The woman tells Radar, “Jesse James forced me to have sex with him. He forced me to have sex, kidnapped me, locked me up and threatened me. He ruined my life.” She sued him in 2001 and they also settled out of court.

There you go. I'm sure as I hit the publish button, a dozen more monkey wranglers are in line waiting to be swabbed, photographed, fingerprinted and interviewed. Gird your loins, because more are coming. The only bitch that is smiling over this is Tiger Woods.

The gates have opened and here comes the parade of skank sluts! After going through Tiger Woods' slutnami, you should already be prepared. You know what to do. Ring the alarm, slip a condom on each finger, wrap your head in saran wrap and hold tight!

A stripper named Melissa Smith, who has a face only TSG's Craigslist hooker mug shot page could love, has come forward to collect her cashiers check in exchange for the details of her alleged affair with Sandra Bullock's husband Vanilla Gorilla. Just like Boobshit McGee, Melissa met Vanilla Gorilla online.

Melissa tells Star Magazine that Vanilla Gorilla contacted her through MySpace in 2006 (bitch was already married to Sandra for one year at this point) after he saw (and jerked to) a picture of her being skanky at a West Coast Choppers party.

Melissa went on to say, "I got a message from this guy saying,'Nice car...that’s my godfather’s.' After a few exchanges, he introduced himself as Jesse James and gave me his e-mail address with the name Vanilla Gorilla."

One e-fuck led to another e-fuck, and Melissa eventually traveled to California to meet Vanilla Gorilla at his office. Vanilla Gorilla promised to take her for a ride in one of his cars, but he took her for a ride on his stick shift instead. And they did the dirty on his office couch! I swear that office couch is wanted by the CDC, The Department of Health and Hazmat. If you're planning on sitting on that couch, you better bid farewell to your asshole first. Because once you sit on it, your asshole will wither up and die like a slug in a salt storm.

Melissa says that she fucked on Vanilla Gorilla for the next two years. They never used protection.

Thanks for sharing, Melissa. Now exit stage left. Gloria Allred will meet you backstage to check to see how much dignity (if any) you have left in your system. Gloria will also test you on the art of crying on cue. In the wise words of RuPaul: "Don't fuck it up!" Or DO fuck it up, so we can be done with you early.

I guess Sandra Bullock just can't get past the image of her husband Vanilla Gorilla painting a Swastika with his own jizz on his neo-Nazi whore's tits after Hitler saluting her snatch with his penis. Yeah, even a million viewings of Milo & Otis can't kill that picture, so Sandra is circling around a bunch of divorce lawyers. That's what TMZ is saying anyway.

According to their sources, Sandra's people have been talking to several fancy divorce lawyers. Jesse's people have also reached out to several lawyers in case Sandra decides to officially quit his ass.

Part of me figured that Jesse James was going to take a page out of Tiger Wood's playbook and go to sex rehab to win Sandra back. Then they would reunite and sit down with Diane Sawyer to talk about how despite all the STDs Jesse gifted her with, their marriage is better than ever. Blah. Blah.

Then the other part of me figured Sandra would take her bag of gold and run the other way, because how can you lick on a dick that was once in Boobshit McGee? That's both a pussy and a deal breaker.

But the more important question is.....who is going to get custody of CINNABUN?! My guess is that Cinnabun has already snuck onto a Peter Pan Bus bound for Austin (where Sandy B is hiding out).

If Jesse James stuck his unprotected dick in a pile of crack whore shit while getting done in the ass by a grenade held by a gorilla with carpal-tunnel, it would've been a better decision than fucking on this gutter skank pig. Not only is Bombshell McGee going to be known as Jesse James' biggest mistake, but her nickname is going to replace the word trash. And let's all take out the Bombshell to the nearest dumpster. Jesse, pack your shit, because you're coming to.

TMZ got their hands on these charming pictures of Bombshell McGee posing as some kind of morning-shift Nazi prostitute. Mel Gibson just downloaded the entire set to his cell phone.

If this picture doesn't make you want to exchange your tainted eyeballs for a pair of fresh new ones, the rest of this piece of trash's story will. Radar obtained court documents from Bombshell's divorce and custody battle with her ex-husband Ronald Shane Modica. Yes, Bombshell is a mother to two children. Suddenly OctoMom's horns have magically turned into a gold halo.

Ronald alleges in the documents that Bombshit is a white supremacist who has a magnet on her refrigerator that spells out "white power." And I don't think she's referring to the international treasure that is Betty White.

The documents also state that Bombskank regularly makes the Nazi salute and has a swastika tattooed on her stomach. One of her sons, Elijah, is Jewish and she thinks it's a barrel of fucking laughs when she makes the Nazi salute. Bombwhore also strips under the name "Avery," which is her other son's name. Ronald adds in his declaration, “I believe that Michelle is mentally ill and should be in the care of a therapist which the court ordered her to see, but she refuses to do so. She is supposed to take medication for bi polar disorder but she doesn’t.”

Suddenly, we now know why Cinnabun keeps quitting Jesse James. Could you look at someone who humped on this landfill?

Jesse James has broken the awkward silence in the room by releasing an open apology to his wife Sandra Bullock and his three chirruns. Jesse doesn't come out and say that he boned that Bombshell trick, but I'm sure he's not apologizing for leaving a log in the toilet without flushing. Or maybe he is, because that would be pretty embarrassing and uncalled for. Here's Jesse's statement to People:

"The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment.

There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It's because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.

"This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them. I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me."

Hmm. That's all nice and everything, but where's Jesse's direct apology to CinnaBun?!!!

CinnaBun probably wouldn't accept Jesse's apology anyway since TMZ reports that she is missing again. This is the second time this year! Poor CinnaBun. She's probably at the dollar theater watching The Blind Side over and over again.

Vanilla Gorilla's side piece Boobshit McGee has brought evidence to the table in the form of several text messages from Jesse. Yes, she brought us text messages. She obviously didn't complete the course in mistress whoring at the Learning Annex, because text messages don't cut it anymore. Everyone knows that you can easily buy a prepaid cell phone, program that number into your real cell phone under the name "Mah Boo Anderson Cooper," and then send yourself a series of text messages like "I giggle for Michael" and "Only your no-no can polish my silver." It's so easy even my dumb ass can do it.

Now I'm pretty sure that Vanilla Gorilla did have sexual relations with that woman, but she still gets an F minus for this shit! This only proves that she text messages like a 12-year-old girl.

And in case you've been wondering what Marilyn Manson would look like if he got botched gender-reassignment surgery, here's some pictures of Bombshell. Keep the powder close, because your genitals will start to itch.

People reports that Sandra Bullock left the home she shares with her husband Vanilla Gorilla on Monday. No, Sandra did not leave to go to the store to buy stuff to make him a delicious vanilla banana cake. Sandy packed up her Oscar and busted out of there like she was an out-of-control bus with Keanu Reeves on it.

A source tells People that Sandra checked out of her house on Monday, just a couple of days before the skank hit the fan on the cover of InTouch. Sandra probably got a "courtesy call" over the weekend letting her know that InTouch was about to claim that her husband did illegal sexy times with the 5th runner-up in a Kat Von D look-alike contest at Senor Frog's. And as soon as she got the call and looked at the pictures of Bombshell McGee, she immediately ran off to the nearest Hazmat facility to marinate her privates in Valtrex water while drinking gallons of apple cider vinegar. My mother swears that apple cider vinegar is the cure for EVERYTHING. Seriously, if you've got a headache, drink apple cider vinegar! If your man cheated on you with a round-the-way skank, drink apple cider vinegar!

And why do I have a feeling that there will be zero submissions for the category of Best Actress at the Oscars next year. Every actress in Hollywood is like, "No, I'm good thanks."