Sandra Bullock has abruptly pulled out of tonight's London premiere of The Blind Side. You know, sort of the same way Jesse James pulled out of that trick's snatch and came all in her belly button. Okay, I need to stop. I'm jumping the gun. You know, sort of the same way that trick jumped on Jesse's gun. Okay, I'm stopping! Here's the statement Sandra released earlier today:
"Due to unforeseen personal reasons a trip abroad to support The Blindside has been deemed impossible at this time. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused and thank you for your continued support of the film."
The entire premiere has been canned since Sandra can't make the trip to London.
Okay, just because Sandra doesn't feel like showing her face right now doesn't mean the rumors are true. Maybe she isn't in the mood to pose on the red carpet while photographers yell shit at her like, "So did Vanilla Gorilla fuck that Bombshell chick, or what?" By the way, Vanilla Gorilla Fucks Bombshell sounds like a twisted Japanese porn version of King Kong.
Shortly after Kate Winslet announced she was quitting her husband, everyone started screaming about the Best Actress Oscar CURSE! Charlize Theron, Hilary Swank, Reese Witherspoon and now Kate Winslet all split from their full-time pieces after winning Best Actress. I guess Oscar is a possessive asshole and doesn't like to share. Well, Sandra Bullock could be next in line to be bit in the ass by the Oscar curse. That's if you believe InTouch Weekly and a trick who goes by the name Bombshell. Bitch Boom Bye!
According to InTouch, while Sandra Bullock was off shooting The Blind Side in Atlanta, her husband Jesse James was blind siding her ass by passing his peen to Michelle "Bombshell" McGee. Yes, MCGEE! Why did InTouch have to do this to Sandra on today of all days? That leprechaun-tini really isn't going to taste the same to her today.
Michelle claims that she carried on an 11-month affair with Jesse after meeting him on Facebook. Michelle was interested in possibly modeling for Jesse's company, West Coast Choppers, so she sent them a friend request. Jesse personally wrote her back and asked her to e-mail him privately. After exchanging a few e-mails back and forth, Michelle met Jesse at West Coast Choppers one night. Jesse gave her a tour of the garage, and then took her back to his office to "watch movies." We all know what that means. Basically, Jesse stuck his disc in Michelle's slot.
But before they got down and dirty, Michelle asked Jesse about Sandra. He told her, "She doesn’t live here. She has a house in Austin. She is filming, and I can’t talk about it." Michelle and Jesse continued to do fucky times together for the next five weeks. Michelle claims they probably got it on two or three times a week. When they weren't bumping tats, they were texting each other constantly.
InTouch didn't offer up any picture proof, but Michelle did say that Jesse doesn't wear underwear or condoms. Michelle nicknamed him "Vanilla Gorilla," because of his big dick.
You know, mistress whores really are a dime-a-dozen (seriously, you can buy 12 for a dime at The Dollar Tree), so Michelle really needed to come hard here if she wanted to play. Now, I'm not saying that I would fall of my chair if this turned out to be true. Jesse was married to a porn star, so I doubt he's wearing a halo over his wang. But words don't mean shit nowadays. We're going to need pictures, videos, DNA, and several GIFs of the Vanilla Gorilla's banana. So until Michelle comes up real proof, she can take a seat with the other tricks. Tell my cousins I said "hi," Michelle.
But more importantly, what does CinnaBun have to say about this?!
I haven't seen All About Steve, because unlike me, my DVD player is not a filthy nasty whore who sucks on absolutely anything you put in its mouth. If I shove All About Steve in its mouth, it will spit that shit out as if it was a smoker's jizz load. So because of that I'm not sure if Sandra Bullock really gave Milk of Magnesia's shittiest performance by an actress in a movie, but the Razzie voters thinks so and named her THE WORST for her awful work in All About Steve. And Sandra kept her promise by showing up in person to accept her award last night.
Sandra also brought along a wagon full of All About Steve DVDs for everyone to watch and rethink their decision. Sandra said, "I brought the shooting script. I'm willing to go through page by page, read the line the way I did it in the film and, if anyone wants to give me a line read of how I could've done it better…. We can do this till about 4 o'clock in the morning. Or you guys can just watch the movie and rethink your decision, and I'll show up next year and we can go out for a drink afterward."
Okay, Sandy, you win this time. I'll go ahead and give you an awkward half-hug (our boobs won't touch) for this. However, when your ass wins an Oscar tonight (UGH. AND UGH) for that after-school special, I will go back to throwing you shade. But let's cherish this moment in the meantime.
And here's the rest of the Razzie losers:
WORST PICTURE: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"
WORST ACTORS: All three Jonas Brothers, "Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience"
WORST ACTRESS: Sandra Bullock, "All About Steve"
WORST SCREEN COUPLE: Sandra Bullock & Bradley Cooper, "All About Steve"
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Billy Ray Cyrus, "Hannah Montana: The Movie"
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Sienna Miller, "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"
WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL (Combined Category for 2009): "Land of the Lost"
WORST DIRECTOR: Michael Bay, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"
WORST SCREENPLAY: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" written by Ehren Kruger & Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, based on Hasbro’s Transformers Action Figures
WORST PICTURE OF THE DECADE: "Battlefield Earth"
WORST ACTOR OF THE DECADE: Eddie Murphy, "Adventures of Pluto Nash," "I Spy," "Imagine That," "Meet Dave," "Norbit," "Showtime"
WORST ACTRESS OF THE DECADE: Paris Hilton, "The Hottie and the Nottie," "House of Wax," "Repo: The Genetic Opera"
Leading up to the Oscars, there's ten million award shows where hos slip into something sparkly, spray their wet parts with perfume and make sure their titties sit up real nice. And I'm just talking about the dudes. Anyway, last night the hos of Hollywood wore their prom best for the Critics Choice Awards, which honors blah blah in blah blah for blah blah.
When Bradley Cooper opened the envelope to announce the winner of Best Actress in a Film, he declared that it was a TIE! Sandy Bullock (for The Blind Side) and Meryl Streep (for Julie & Julia) both won. Sandy must have left her chola attitude in George Lopez's green room, because if she still had it with her, she would've taken a razor out of her hair and cut Meryl.
Instead, Sandy and Meryl kissed like the Simpson family on Christmas morning. Well, almost like the Simpson family. Sandy didn't use tongue. Sandy doesn't even kiss her husband with tongue before the sun sets, so it's not surprising that she didn't French on Meryl.
Here's hoping that Sandy and Meryl have started a trend. At this Sunday's Golden Globes, I'm crossing my ass lips that George Clooney and Colin Firth tie for Best Actor. And if they do, they better take those panties off and touch tongues! It's the new way. Hell, I'd even settle for Morgan Freeman and Jeff Bridges.
Below is the clip of Meryl and Sandy's G-rated lezzie lip-lock.
And here's some pictures of hos from last night's show including: Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, John Cho, Zachary Quinto, an escaped grizzly bear from the zoo, Emily Blunt, Sandy B, Kristin Chenoweth, Marion Cotillard, Purdy Zac Efron, Morgan Freeman with his ladyfreeend, Heather Graham, some virgin, Edward Gayhands, Heather Mills' voodoo doll, Mo'Nique with her piece, Carey Mulligan, Zoe Saldana and Gabourey Sidibe.
Baby Smiley continued her mission of turning all of us into chola beauties by taking her Sharpie to Sandra Bullock's eyebrows on Lopez Tonight last night. Sandra agreed to the chola makeover, because she said she wanted to become "more Latin." I was waiting for my abuelita's chankla to hit her and George Lopez in the mouth after that was said.
When Sandra came out as "La Nalgona," an oldies song didn't play in my head and I didn't flinch like a hot razor was about to slice my cheek open. You know, Sandra's canvas just doesn't have what it takes to pull off the chola look. Sandra looked more like a deflated Michaela Romanini:
And if you can't look like a chola who can give a ten-week hickey in five seconds, then you might as well look like Michaela Romanini. So Sandra should keep up the makeover.
Below is a clip of Sandra's transformation from a plate of boiled watercress to the homegirl version of Michaela Romanini:
(Thanks to all who sent this in)
It was a lovely day at the office for Sandra Bullock. She got paid zillions to get on her knees in front of Ryan Reynolds. This scene would look better if he was naked, it was me instead of her and if there was a goose down pillow under my knees. Seriously, I'm not fucking up my knees for any whore.
Ry and Sandy shot scenes for their new movie, "The Proposal" in NYC yesterday. The movie is about some bitchy boss (Sandy) who forces her assistant (Ryan) to marry her so that she won't get deported back to Canada.
This movie was just as awful when it was called "Green Card." Sorry, I can't take Andie MacDowell. I'd rather watch a boxing pussy for 3 hours straight than watch anything with Andie in it. Well, except for "Beauty Shop." That shit was hot.
And what did they do to Sandy's hair? Does this crap show take place in 1997?!