In case sepia filters haven't completely humped your last nerve raw, here's a bunch of pictures from Amber Tamblyn and David Cross' weekend wedding that Questlove Instragram'd. I knew their wedding would look like some serious mountain hippie shit, but this is just beyond. This is the most hipster-ish episode of Little House on the Prairie I've ever seen.
Amber wore a simple yellow dress and before walking barefoot down the dirt aisle, she showed up to the ceremony in a canoe. A CANOE! As Amy Poehler, Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel and the Traveling Pants watched, Amber and David summoned the forest creatures of Upstate New York with their love by exchanging vows. When the officiant asked for the rings, two birds carrying wedding bands made of twigs flew in and dropped them in Amber and David's hands. Then after they were pronounced husband and wife, a herd of deer galloped behind them as butterflies dropped cherry blossom petals above them. Then at the reception, they danced on mud to tambourine music before falling against a giant tree to eat blood oranges and share a jar of homemade strawberry wine. Then after the sun went down, a naked and dirt-covered Sienna Miller crept out of the forest to dance, dance, dance around the fireflies, because that shit wasn't already boho enough.
And I actually like their stuffed animal cake. I knew those two were Furries!
Right before I passed out face first into my pillow last night, I read a mass e-mail from People that said Blake NotSoLively mumbled out wedding vows to talking eight-pack Ryan Reynolds at their wedding at Boone Hall Plantation in Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina on Sunday. Then sometime during the night I had a dream/nightmare about a sex tape starring James Franco and a bunch of Plushies in Pound Puppy costumes. When I woke up this morning, I thought the James Franco getting a beej from Plushies story was real and that I dreamed up Blake and Ryan's wedding, because how is it possible for her to get engaged and married without whoring out every single detail for maximum attention. But she did! Down in the Scientology glory hole dungeon, Tommy Girl is wiping away the tears on a hard dick, because it's always a sad day when a beard temporarily retires from the bearding game.
NYDN says that Blake's friend Florence Welch of Florence + the Machine and Bette Midler both sang songs at the reception in a white tent on the plantation. Blake wore a Chanel gown, Ryan wore Hugo Boss, their $3,000 cake was made by Maryland's Maggie Austin Cakes and they flew in the minister from Connecticut. All 70 of Blake and Ryan's guests had to check in their cell phones at the door. Blake's publicist hasn't confirmed any of this, because she's still in a coma after passing out when Blake said "no" to the question, "So you want to get married at the altar on the ho stroll in front of a thousand paps, right?"
We all found out the answer to the question "What's blander than a piece of boiled cauliflower sitting in a puddle of cold tap water?" about a year ago when Blake and Ryan started humping after meeting while filming The Green Lantern. 25-year-old Blake hasn't been married before, but 35-year-old Ryan was once married to that other blonde mumbler with huge chichis, ScarJo.
And I really hope that halfway through the wedding ceremony, the minister stopped talking, all spotlights focused on the back of the tent and every wedding guest turned their chair around to look at this vision strolling in:
Robyn Lively always finds a way to TOP THAT!
Here I was thinking that Ryan Reynolds and Blake NotSoLively would last about as long as a quick fuck on a Toronto subway platform, but she was seen taking his dog Baxter for a walk in NYC the other day by herself. You know shit is seven layers of serious when you let a trick take care of your dog unsupervised. Or maybe Blake's publicist dognapped Baxter for this photo-op. That's a possibility, because Baxter is making a look that's a cross between "Who dis bitch?" and "Is he really making me shit in front of another one of his bland tricks?" That last part reminds me of some shit...
One of my friends had the same dog through three of her sort-of serious relationships and when she moved in with the third dude, her mom seriously said to her, "Don't you think you're going to confuse the dog by shacking up with all these men?" That was a polite way of saying, you a ho. I mean, I'm sure that dog would stare at her while thinking to himself "You disgust me, you slut!" instead of thinking "Give me that bacon." Most dogs don't give a cat shit if you're a huge skank whore or if you're a spinster prude with a vagina that hums out the melody to "Mr. Lonely" in the middle of the night. They will like your ass as long as you feed them, give them attention, don't blame your farts on them and don't make them go out in public wearing the groom suit you make them wear during fake wedding playtime. That being said, my friend's dog totally judged her for being a big skank whore slut.
And I really hope Baxter dropped a wet shit in at least one of Blake's shoes. That's what she gets for using his ass for publicity.
The bland bitch battlefield is lukewarming up! ScarJo told Cosmo in their latest issue that marrying Ryan Reynolds was the best thing she's ever done in her entire life, but they barely spent time together and moving on was the right thing to do. Blah, blah, blah, burp, blah, blah, blah. But some source tells UsWeekly that ScarJo hasn't moved on and is a member of the "I Don't Want To Fuck Him, But I Don't Want Any Other Trick To Fuck Him Either" club. Apparently, ScarJo is not happy that Blake Lively is screwing on her leftovers and now she's having doubts about leaving him. The source put it like this:
"Scarlett is pissed that he's not under her spell anymore. She realized what a great catch Ryan was."
The source went on to say that Ryan would've reunited with ScarJo, but she ruined things forever when she tainted her parts with Sean Penn's prune dick.
So what to believe? The words that came out of ScarJo's mouth to a magazine or the words from a question mark to a weekly tabloid? Or do you not want to waste any of your "give a fuck" rations on this. Yeah, the third option is the winner. Don't get me wrong, I roll out of bed in the morning for a good catfight, but this is not one of those. Sucking off a snowman would be more exciting than witnessing these two fight. Watching ScarBore and Blake NotSoLively fight over Ryan Reynolds would be like watching a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower. And yes, I've seen a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower thanks to a few bong hits. (SPOILER ALERT: the rutabaga always wins)
Thanks to a hacker, who could get more time in the chokey than most rapists, ScarJo's titty knobs are just a Google search away from landing on your eyeballs and she pretty much shrugs off their existence to Vanity Fair while sticking a gold star on her cell phone pose skills. Yes, you know ScarJo had Ty Ty Baby in her head as she tried to smile with her nipple holes (smipping?) and work those angles. You also know that Ty Ty is probably going to do a ridiculous naked celebrity cell phone photo shoot based on ScarJo's comments.
“I know my best angles,” she says with her trademark insouciance. “They were sent to my husband,” now ex Ryan Reynolds. “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like I was shooting a porno.” She adds saucily, “Although there’s nothing wrong with that either.”
While I give ScarJo a few spare points for sort of taking the Cassie route by saying in so many words "It's just a titty!," I need her to stop with that "best angle" shit. Bitch, your best angle should be the one that clearly gives us a shot of Ryan Reynolds' fully erect dick game. Seriously. If ScarJo gave Ryan the gift of her texted titty, then I'm sure he returned the favor by slapping a dick pic on her cell phone screen. "Where are those pictures?," said a million slobbering genitals.
Either the hacker is not an equal opportunity pic stealer and is prejudiced against celebrity man dick, or ScarJo deleted Ryan's pics but kept hers on her phone. The next time a celebrity (not Sean Penn) sends a peen portrait to ScarJo and her finger hovers over the delete button, I really hope she thinks about the possibility of a hacker hacking into her phone and leaking said peen portrait onto the Internet for all of us to see. If she deletes that pic, she's keeping the public-at-large from getting some celebrity dick in their lonely lives. Think about this, ScarJo! Stop being so selfish!
And yes, don't worry, I'm taking my tray to the dark part of the cafeteria to sit with the other pervs.
In the past few months, Ryan Reynolds' peen has dipped into a little Sandra Bullock, then some South African model type (I think), then some ex-wife ScarJo, then some Charlize Theron and now it has landed on the white paper plate of unseasoned mashed cauliflower named Blake Lively. Blake Lively is fresh off of stabbing the vulnerable heart of Leonardo DiCaprio and she's sort of in between relationships set up by her publicist so she figured why not pass the time by passing her poon along the biceps on Ryan's dick. And yes, you know Ryan has biceps on his dick.
Hollywood Life says that at a Radiohead concert in NYC last week, Ryan was with ScarJo when he ran into his Green Lantern co-star Blake. Blake and Ryan started mumbling to each other and learned that they were both going to be in Boston for the weekend. Ryan is shooting some movie there and Blake was going to some cooking event. They rode the Acela train together and later rode on each other all weekend at his apartment in Back Bay (the sex tape can be called Backdooring Blake in Back Bay). Ryan took Blake to the train station at 5am on Monday morning and said goodbye by touching her tonsils with his tongue. The source has all the details that I'm sure you just can't wait to wrap your yawning eyeballs around:
"Blake isn’t upset or fazed by the breakup with Leo at all. When Ryan took Blake to catch her train back to NYC they were making out and looked really happy together. Blake was wearing a big hat and it fell off as she made out with Ryan on the escalator at the train station. It was really early and he was even wheeling her suitcase for her! He wanted to make sure she caught the train so he waited until she got on.
They kept kissing on the platform and looked like they were a couple. It’s clear she’s over Leo, but as for how serious she is with Ryan? Who knows.”
If Blake and Ryan mated to completion, their baby would look like a clinically depressed premature Persian kitten with perma-squint possum eyes and a six-pack, and the universe would never do that to us! So this is about as serious as Leonardo DiCatchAHo when he tells his latest model piece that he's not only with her because she booked 9 shows during Paris fashion week. This is just one of those "boning in Boston" things, which is way less hotter and romantic than one of those "banging in a Buick" things. I mean, making out at a train station? Tacky whores. Everyone knows that you really show someone you care by front seat fucking them in a Buick parked in front of a restaurant.
The entire internet gathering together to pray that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds end up licking each other's nipples for the rest of eternity has finally paid off, because the two were photographed going on a hike with friends through Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming last weekend. TMZ says that Ryan, Sandra and her Baby Louis are all vacationing together in Jackson Hole. When you're Ryan and Sandra and you're together in Jackson Hole, you're obviously jacking each other's holes (just nod that like that makes sense).
You know, I will never understand why everyone wants Sandra and Ryan together the same way I wanted Beverly Hills 90210 to end with Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay dancing for the first time as husband on wife on Kelly Taylor's grave. But yeah, your praying paid off, because these two are totally doing it.
Or maybe they're just friends and Ryan is only hanging around Sandra, because witnessing Baby Louis' signature side-eye in the flesh feels like Jesus himself just blew an air kiss of life into your soul. That's probably it.
UsWeekly said last month that Ryan Reynolds rebounded off of ScarJo's chichis and dove straight onto Charlize Theron's crotch. There was never really anything proof of this. No staged pictures of them trying to pull each other's swim chonies off at the beach. No "leaked" stills from their blurry fuck tape. None of that. And now it's completely over, so says UsWeekly. They say that Charlize and Ryan's time together lasted about as long as a blonde riding on Hef's grave worm dick. A source says that Ryan quit that shit, because Charlize wants to start a family and he isn't ready to dirty his muscle ab biscuits with baby barf. The source put it like this:
"He only wanted something casual, but she's in a rush to settle down, have kids and start a family since she's getting older.
[Charlize] didn't take it very well when he broke it off. She knows deep down that it wouldn't have worked, but she is pretty bummed out about it all."
That's nice and everything, but what about us?! What about the people with the sex lives of a garbage disposal apple who were patiently waiting for fap material in the form of a picture of Charlize and Ryan simultaneously licking on each other's nipples under an outdoor shower? They couldn't give us that as a parting gift? Selfish bitches. And Charlize considers herself a humanitarian? More like an inhumaneitarian.
That being said, Charlize is smooth. Getting tired of fucking on a recently divorced piece who keeps doing ab crunches while you ride on top? Just hit him with the "I want kids" talk and he won't even waste time grabbing his Flex Belt while he runs out the door.
ScarJo was seen at Little Dom's in Los Feliz this past weekend trying to Magic Erase the image of Sean Penn snorting out wet coke balls out of nose while grunting during a motorboating session by having dinner with ex-husband Ryan Reynolds. A witness tells Life & Style that ScarJo and Ryan were flirting with their eyes and she even pinched at his face cheeks with her fingers (????) at one point. But if UsWeekly is telling the truth, then ScarJo and Ryan only met up so that she could give him the bag of tile spacers he left in her car. You know, the tile spacers he puts between his rock hard ab biscuits so they don't rub together and chafe when he does his daily routine of doing crunches until his stomach pouch slides into his nutsack for some peace and stillness. But I am digressing all over the place again....
A source says that Ryan and Charlize Theron have been making pretty people sex with each other for at least a few months. They've been keeping it on the down low and the source doesn't expect them to come prancing out onto the ho stroll while holding each other's genitals anytime soon, because that's not Charlize's style. The source went on to say, "They're exclusive, and it's very hush-hush. They're both career-focused, but not in a crazy way."
Break out the BREAKING NEWS siren! Two pretty people are doing the fuck thing together!!! This never happens!!!! But seriously, slap this shit with both a "random" and "makes sense" label.
Ryan has always sort of rubbed me in a weird way (not like that). It's those tiny eyes. Even when he opens them as wide as he can, he still looks like he's been stalking you from across the room for hours and is trying to focus on the little mole under your eye so that he can draw it perfectly on the tribute wall that's dedicated to you in his room at the halfway house. (And yes, he does thee crunches while drawing your mole.) Charlize, on the other hand, seems like a regular bag of normal. So the two of them together does make me cock my head (not that one) to the side a bit. But Ryan must be shitting four leaf clovers, but he is lucky as hell. You haven't experienced true love until you've slow rolled with Charlize Theron to a Journey song in the middle of a rink.
Seen here busting out the classic "pooping in the woods" pose for Details, Ryan Reynolds talked to the magazine about how he's not going to talk about how his married to ScarJo melted into the lube she used to hump on Sean Penn. But Ryan did say that his heart is still crying sad tears over it and he's not ready to date again. Ryan also said that contrary to blind items and gossiping whores, a heavy dose of scandal didn't drown his marriage. I'll let RyRey take it from here:
On how the media won't be getting any eVites from him anytime soon: "I'll say this: The media wasn't invited to my marriage, and they're definitely not invited into the divorce."
On how he's still half-sad about his divorce: "Anyone who gets divorced goes through a lot of pain. but you come out of it. I'm not out of it yet. At all. But I sense that as I do come through it, there's optimism. How can there not be? I don't think I want to get married again, but you always reevaluate these things. Any kind of crisis can be good. It wakes you up. I gotta say, I'm a different person than I was six months ago."
On how everyone got it wrong when they threw an ESCANDALO label on his split from ScarJo: "What was happening privately was the exact opposite of what was being reported. There was no story and no scandal, so the narrative was just created for me. That was the most disturbing part. I wasn't angry. I absolutely predicted every beat of it. There's an entire economy around this sort of thing—therefore it's gotta happen one way or another. There was a time, though, when looking at the Internet was a miracle cure for feeling good about myself."
On how he and ScarJo kept it clean: "Departing a relationship and still maintaining the idea that this is still the same person I married is a great luxury that I experienced. Thankfully I was in a relationship where two people chose to remain on the high road in every regard."
On how he's not dating so stop asking: "I have no interest in dating right now. It just seems so kind of alien to me at this point. I've been in relationships pretty much since high school. Some people look at that as a good thing. I think wiser people might see that as a house of cards. I'm very happy not to be in a relationship right now. That's okay. I didn't plan on it, that's for sure . . . but that's okay.
I'll tell Ryan Reynolds what I tell all hot pieces who tell me they just got out of a relationship (BLAH BLAH BLAH) and aren't looking for anything serious (BLAH BLAH BLAH). Who said shit about a relationship?! We won't kiss on the lips with feeling. I won't ever stay the night. And I promise I won't scream your name when you cross to the other side of the street after seeing me in public.*
* This depends on whether or not I'm under the influence of something that might affect my decision making skills like cheap whiskey, fresh weed and Entenmann's.