Vanity Fair's (emphasis on the "Fair") annual Hollywood Issue is a gallery of "clutch your Tampax pearls" surprises! There's ACTUALLY one and a half black people on the cover (Hey, it's better than VF's "Hungry White Girls Cover" of last year)! There's Rashida Jones randomly bottle feeding a baby tiger! There's a Robert Duvall photo bomb! And there's the TV Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, who'd be half-nekkid if it wasn't for those extra thick suspenders.
Did the baby tiger eat most of her dress? Did Jesse Eisenberg's sexyface rip half of that ho's dress right off? Olivia is a position switch away from giving Anthony Mackie an eye full of Tron nipple. Screw the Hollywood Issue, thanks to Olivia's "sneeze and my titty pokes out" dress, this is the ELEGANCE ISSUE!
Vanity Fair says this cover was inspired by 1930s Shanghai. You know, 1930s Shanghai without Asians. We must've been hung over and dozed off in history class when the teacher said that Chinese people didn't move to Shanghai until AT LEAST the 1940s. But really, how the hell can you do 1930s Shanghai without the mascots of 1930s Shanghai. Let me fix that for Vanity Fair:
Anyway, here's the full cover along with a few behind-the-scenes pictures. Hos on the cover from left to right: Ryan Reynolds, Jakey, Anne Hathaway, James Franco,
Ivanka Trump Jennifer Lawrence, Anthony Mackie, Olivia Wilde, Jesse Eisenberg, Mila Kunis, Robert Duvall, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Andrew Garfield, Rashida Jones, Garrett GimmeHedlund and Noomi Rapace.
Perhaps Sandra Bullock was afraid that ScarJo, The Bride of Mumblestein, would send Frankenstein's monster after her ass, because she denied that she's rubbing her chocha on Ryan Reynolds' ribbed (for everyone's pleasure) abs. That was a good move on Sandy's part, because I don't think she would've seen the mumbling wrath of ScarJo coming since the remake of The Shaggy Dog was blocking her eyesight. Every mother in the world was itching to grab Sandy's clip-on bangs in a fist and hack that shit off with a pair of kitchen scissors. My sister spent most of her childhood with wonky bangs that looked like they were cut with a vegetable chopper. My mom's rule was that if your bang tips kissed your eyelashes, hand her the scissors. No bang/lash love allowed! But back to Sandy's denial.
When Al Roker from Today (via People) asked Sandy about the rumor that's fucking on ScarJo's seconds, she said this:
"I think there will be a collective sigh amongst women across the United States when I say he's not my lovah. He's just an amazing friend for 10 years ... but I don't get his loving after dark."
Okay, Sandra. We won't believe that your bangs are hiding the hickey that Ryan gave you on your forehead. Okay.
Here's a few more pictures of Sandy's bang issue as well as a few pictures of ScarJo looking like a Chrysler hood ornament (sans wings).
Both UsWeekly and OK! Magazine are calling Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds LYING ASS LIARS for denying that their genitals have spent some intimate time together. It all started on New Year's Eve when Ryan and Sandra sat together at her restaurant, Bess Bistro, in Austin, Texas. Witnesses claimed that the two were laughing, smiling and most likely finger banging each other under the table. But Sandra's rep let out a "NO! NO! NO!" scream louder than the one Bombshell McGee's free clinic gynecologist makes every time he has to venture down under.
Despite the denial, sources say that Sandra and Ryan kissed that night and left together at 2 in the morning. One source tells OK! that Sandra has been soothing Ryan's broken heart over the phone for a few weeks and was "thrilled" when he accepted the invitation to her NYE party. A different source close to Ryan gave up some insightful information that TOTALLY proves they're fucking their troubles away, "I'm sure they've bonded over the breakups. Going through a divorce is a unique thing to live through. Ryan always got excited talking about Sandra and liked being around her."
There's really no proof here that these two are more than just friends. Besides, if Ryan wanted to partake in a rebound fuck with one of his co-stars from The Proposal, I'd like to think he'd go with Betty White. That's the right choice. Although, he probably did and Betty turned him down since she's doesn't pick up ScarJo's leftovers. If it is true, though, good for them for getting some ass. It's probably nice for Sandra being with a dude who doesn't scream out "Are you ready for the Reichsmark shot?!" before he cums.
And now I'll leave you alone so that you can cut and paste your face over Sandra's in the picture above. It should be YOU posing next to Ryan while he's making a "the places this glass dildo is going to go...." face.
THE GIFT OF DIVORCE! It was just over a week ago that Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo got peens wagging and chochas chirping at the thought of them back on the market when they announced that they're splitting up....and now he's making it official. People says that Ryan filed for divorce this afternoon in Los Angeles. If you're hoping that Ryan and ScarJo's divorce will get so filthy dirty that they'll eventually wrestle naked in a kiddie pool of oil in the middle of a court room, you better pull your pants back up. That's not going to happen. ScarJo filed her divorce response at the same time, which means they are probably going to play nice. No greasy ScarJo and RyRey nipples for now.
Ryan and ScarJo didn't get a prenup, but neither is seeking any kind of spousal support. They both list December 14th as the day they decided to take their genitals elsewhere for good.
There's a million rumors going around as to why their marriage flopped on the sand before dying. Some say that ScarJo treated Ryan like an unwanted dingle, and others say that one of them cheated. But People says that they barely were around each other due to their careers and decided that calling it a day was better than trying to work that shit out.
Well, fuck us all! Two celebrities not chewing each other's eye balls out during a divorce battle? Something in the eggnog ain't clean (Ed. note: I don't anything in eggnog is clean). Maybe Ryan wants to get that shit over with so he can go back to doing ab crunches. Or maybe it's just a Christmas miracle! A sad Christmas miracle, but still a Christmas miracle.
(Image via Fame Pictures)
Thank the FUCK it wasn't Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon or half of Brooklyn would have to doggy paddle through the river of tears and barf pouring out of my skull! But sadly, the final break-up spot has been taken by ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds. Just like Dexter & Deb and Zac & Vanessa, ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds have decided they wish to pass their genitals to others and have pressed the pause button on their 2-year-old marriage.
A source tells TMZ ScarJo and Ryan are living in separate places. The source is probably my cousin who told me she wanted a waterproof Green Lantern poster for Christmas. Sick horny bitch! But I have the feeling she's not the only one Googling "Green Lantern Dildo."
2009 was the year of deaths and 2010 is now the year that love burped out its last bref before rolling over into a shallow grave. I guess that means 2011 will be the year of BIRTHS. This makes sense since the world is ending in 2012. I just knew we'd go out under a mountain of baby saliva, diapers and creamed placenta.
UPDATE: It's true. ScarJo and Ryan released this official joint statement to UsWeekly: "After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we've decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it's with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn't expected, it's certainly appreciated."
What is this "long and careful consideration" they speak of? If I was ScarJo, Ryan would simply have to drop his chonies and lift his shirt over his nipples to save our marriage. Divorce averted!
And so was Prince Hot Ginge! And Mah Boo Anderson Cooper! And Brooke Hogan! And the
hot silver piece in All My Children whose character name is not cumming on my brain at this time Michael Fucking Nouri! I mean, Berg from Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pizza Place?! Who stuffed the ballot box with ScarJo's chichis and hundred dollar bills from Warner Bros.? Don't ever get me wrong, I'd hit it until I got jizz poisoning, and even then I'd pop a milk pill up my no-no and keep going, but STILL! People needs to show us the receipts, copy of checks and the notarized ledger! Somebody needs to drop an audit on those bitches.
You know what else is illegal? People crowed Ryan Reynolds as the "Sexiest Man With A Working Pulse" without giving us a piece of the sexiest part of him: HIS GOT DAYUM NIPPLES! Instead they give us an awkward picture of Ryan looking like he's about to lift up his hip and bust out a side fart while watching football. Do over.
Since Jon Hamm could make a rock orgasm with a lift from his brow, I figured he'd get the title. Jon (along with Kellan Lutz, Wheelchair Jimmy, Alcide from True Blood, RDJ, Justin Timberlake, Vin Diesel, etc...) made the cut, but he didn't get the cover. Storm the gates!
Blood has been shed at Comic Con! And the blood didn't come from the peen of a nerd who fapped himself raw after seeing Blake Lively's chichis live and in person. No, the blood came from a dude who refused to move seats right before the panel for Resident Evil: Afterlife. File this under: You might be an over obsessed nerd who is suffering from Asbestos poisoning if....
The L.A Times has the details:
The two men got into an argument about one sitting too close to the other, Stafford said, "Two friends had an argument and one guy ended up going to the hospital with a scratch near his eye.''
One of the men reportedly struck the other man near the eye with a pen.
The suspect was arrested and booked for assault with a deadly weapon, Stafford said.
The man who suffered the cut near his eye reportedly asked to be examined at the hospital as a precaution.
The Shanker of Comic Con was going to stab his friend in the eye with the knife from his rare mint condition G.I. Joe Spearhead action figure, but he didn't want to take it out of its packaging so he used a pen instead. That shit is cold, though. How can the victim fully enjoy a 10-minute preview of a movie that is coming out in a couple of months when he's only got one working eye!? Couldn't the dude in the Harry Potter t-shirt stab his friend in a body part he doesn't use as much (insert your suggestions here)?
Comic Con is seriously just like the streets of East L.A., and nerds are just like cholitas. Well, almost. Instead of exquisite Sharpie eyebrows, nerds have a pair of bushy brows that have never been touched by Tweezers and are rarely exposed to sunlight. Instead of having a tear drop prison tattoo under their eye, nerds have a crusty tear drop on their face from seeing the entire cast of The Avengers on the same stage together (they will never wipe off that crusty tear drop). SEE! Pretty much the same. Nerds are the cholas of Comic Con!
And since I brought up Blake Lively's chichis at the beginning of this post, here she is with Ryan Reynolds and Peter Sarsgaard at The Green Lantern panel yesterday. Bitch's outfit makes me want to BIC myself in the eye.
Ryan Reynolds should take a few lessons from Lady CaCa on tuck game before he shoots his new movie, because he's going to have to put that dick away and put an ice cube on it. Variety (via Coming Soon) brings us the news that Ryan will start in an untitled comedy about a dude who dresses up in drag to befriend his ex in a bid to win her back. Mrs. Doubtfail is right.
Ryan will shoot the movie after he finishes up The Green Lantern.
Ryan should beware, because as soon as he puts on a blonde wig and stuffs his pecs into a bra, A-Rod will propose marriage to him.
And yes, I'd still hit it even with his peen tucked in between his ass cheeks.
Ryan Reynolds is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and at first I thought the Photoshop wizards got carried away, but then I remember my no-no slobbering over his abs recently. So I googled it and got confirmation. Ryan's abs really do look like they were hand-painted by Brooke Hogan's airbrusher. How does hair grow on something that hard? I bet ScarJo has to put a pillow on his stomach whenever she rides him in reverse. If she doesn't, his concrete abs could split her ass bone in two. Ow.
Ryan must do sit-ups non-stop. Even in his sleep. Some bitches sleepwalk, Ryan sleepcrunches.
Jay Leno almost died today and had to be taken to the hospital. Not really, but he did have to go to the hospital for reasons only known by him and the ass specialist assigned to him. When hos go to the hospital and don't say why, I figure it's because they have the caca runs in an evil way. It would totally make sense with Jay. Jay is also being punished FOR THIS. The eyebrow gods bit him hard and cursed with the 'rrea.
UsWeekly says Jay wasn't feeling well earlier today, so he drove himself to the hospital in Burbank. He's now resting at home, but tonight's show has been axed. A repeat will air instead. You probably won't even notice, but I will!
Jay was supposed to have that succulent chunk of maple syrup-covered Canadian bacon who goes by the name of Ryan Reynolds on tonight. I was all ready to sit through Jay's yammering just so I could pinch at Ryan's nipples on my screen, "I'm pinching yo nipples."
Ryan was going to be on show to whore out that movie he's doing with Sandra Bullock. The only thing I want to know is what percentage of the movie does Ryan have his tittays out? They should include that in the tagline on the poster, "The Proposal: With 85% Ryan Reynolds titty action." That's how you sell tickets.