John Travolta

Because John Travolta is just like me and sees fries as uncut potato penises, here he is swallowing some whole while taking a break from shooting Savages in Redondo Beach, CA yesterday afternoon. It's a for real shame that you couldn't see the shit John did with that milkshake on the table. The paparazzo didn't capture that shit, because he had to take a baby wipe to the lens that John greased up with his fry eatin' skills.

The reason why John was feeling extra free yesterday probably had something to do with the fact that his scalp pores weren't getting suffocated by the fried moose's ass he usually wears on top of his head. We should all remember this special day, because John Travolta airing out his natural hairline happens about as often as the dudes at the bath house don't see his weekend wig hanging in the coat check closet on a Saturday night.

Here's John Travolta, Kelly Preston and their kids Benjamin and Ella Bleu leaving a hotel in Paris on Father's Day. If that look of pained misery painted on Kelly's face is because she once again had to piss in the sink of their suite's wet bar because John was having a bubble bath with his French call boy, then don't worry. Once they get in front of Sister Tommy Girl and Father Miscavige, their problems will be brain washed away! In a new interview with Extra, John talks about his son Benjamin ("He's dreamy!") and also says that the secret to keeping his beard fluffy and happy is their counseling sessions with their church. Xenu's just rolled his eyes so hard that a new flock of Thetans blew up into every Scientologist's asshole. Cut to Johnny:

"Communication is number one, but our church does a lot to help us keep together. When we have issues, we go settle it up, and if you don't do that you kind of get stale a little bit."

What he means by "does a lot to help us keep together" is that all the men gather into the sauna and counsel each other's prostates with their peens while Kelly Preston sits outside and plays checkers with Stepford Katie. Then when John comes outside, his "church" shows him pictures of what he just did and tells him that if he ever leaves them or Kelly, they'll splatter that shit on a billboard over Sunset Blvd. Kelly sighs and then they all go to dinner like one big happy family! I swear. Kelly's life story is waiting for John to get that dick out of his mouth so they can go to dinner already!

Now that Lindsay Lohan has been confirmed for a role in that busted wreck of a movie starring John Travolta, it was only a matter of time before he got the idea to try to convert her from her current religion, Coke-olicism, to Scientology. The story goes that the producers of Gotti: Three Generations didn't want LiLo, but John pulled his fist out of a Dominican man culito for a quick second, shook off the...um...butt placenta and used it to fight for her. John thinks he can knock LiLo's coke-craving thetans off her deep fried carcass forever! Oh, please. John just wants somebody to bond with down in the Scientology wig and weave library.

A source tells The National Enquirer (via Entertainmentwise) that LiLo has already signed up for an orientation course at the Scientology Center per John's advice, "Even though producers were hesitant to hire Lindsay because of her troubled past. Travolta assured them he'd take her under his wing. John introduced Lindsay to one of the church's top counselors and – even though she's been cast in a new role and won't play the star's daughter in the flick – she's assured him she'll still attend the series of induction classes that will make her a Scientologist."

Normally, we'd grab onto a trick like Sarah in Cliffhanger if the Scientology volcano tried to suck them in, but is this such a bad idea? Instead of using whatever is left of her money to buy White Oprah vodka enemas, her money would go towards shushing up Tommy Girl's paid boy whores. Not a bad use of money. Instead of getting fed the delusions of a crazy mother, she'd eat the delusions of a crazy alien. And she'd have to cut that crazy mother off. And AND she'd get some much-needed styling advice from Suri Cruise. And and AND there's a good chance she'd bring down the entire Scientology Center after making their strongest e-meter machine explode during her audit. I don't see a problem with this.

Even though Lindsay Lohan (24, left) hasn't officially signed on to play Victoria Gotti (48, right) in the John Gotti biopic (pending if the Gotti family can find that trunk of money buried in the desert to give to the insurance company), they still touched thirsty weaves at a press conference in New York this afternoon. So, LiLo doesn't have the job but she still showed up to company picture day? Everyone involved is bold as all hell.

It was a good move, though. Because LiLo's weave, which usually looks it was put together with patches found at the bottom of a beauty salon drain, looks almost fresh and natural next to that mop of frayed rope on Victoria's head. If you farted too hard near Victoria's flammable weave, the whole room would blow up. But you know, I shouldn't hate, because think of all the blood Victoria's mop can soak up from the garage floor. That mess on her head does double duty!

Anyway, the producers of Gotti: Three Generations not only said that LiLo is in serious talks, but they also confirmed that John Travolta will play John Gotti and Joe Pesci will play Angelo Ruggiero. The rest of the cast will be announced in the next few weeks.

And here's a few more pictures from today's press conference, which looks more like the worst booth at a wig show. From Victoria to LiLo to that horse's ass cheek on John Travolta's head... Just tragic all around.

The "again" in that title is hurtful to all the sauna sluts who have continually made John Travolta's hog sweat over the years. TV Guide better issue a retraction and apology ASAP!

One would think that one of the main reasons (among many, I'm sure) why John Travolta is still married to Kelly Preston is so that he can deliver the portrait of heterosexual perfectness to those out there who have yet to get a whiff of his post-sauna man ass breath. That would include trying to act like he sometimes doesn't mind touching her tongue with his when they're out in public. But nope. John Travolta isn't even trying to act. That's what The National Enquirer (via SS) says anyway. Their sources say that at a restaurant recently, Kelly Preston picked at her dinner roll while John Travolta tried to pick up their hot waiter.

When John found out that their waiter is trying to make it in Hollywood, he immediately turned on the moves and went for that shit. The source says, “When John learned his studly server was an aspiring actor, he asked what projects he’d worked on, who represented him, etc. – and then flashed that award-winning smily and asked, ‘Could you give me your phone number? I might be able to help you out’. The waiter told me it really bothered him that Kelly never even looked up at him — not once!”

Kelly is a damn professional! Like she's going to break the straight wall? NEVER! This "pretending to be a loving wife" thing is probably doing wonders for Kelly's acting skills. I bet she doesn't even step out of character for a second when John orders the tossed salad and sausage on a bed of polenta from a hot waiter. Or when he throws her a "mint, please" look after coming back from the men's room with a fresh dick scent on his tongue. Fuck, Juillard! Being John Travolta's wife is how you really sharpen your craft.

Lawrence Wright's 26-page expose on Scientology for The New Yorker has everything you want in a theatrical cunt gay drama including human-trafficking charges, Tommy Girl tantrums, slave beatings by the hand of David Miscavige, a game of musical chairs set to "Bohemian Rhapsody" and blackmail. Lawrence's piece focuses a lot on screenwriter, director and former high-ranking Scientologist Paul Haggis who checked out of L. Ron's house because they pretty much hugged and supported California's Prop 8.

Paul and Lawrence both have serious stories and you should get into that shit if you've got the time. But the one I'm telling you now comes from Josh Brolin. Josh tiptoed into the barley water gutter for a few seconds in a moment of "real desperation." Josh quickly jumped out after he realizing that he prefers his CRAZY with a lot more fun. But Josh walked away with this gem:

Brolin says that he once witnessed John Travolta practicing Scientology. Brolin was at a dinner party in Los Angeles with Travolta and Marlon Brando. Brando arrived with a cut on his leg, and explained that he had injured himself while helping a stranded motorist on the Pacific Coast Highway. He was in pain. Travolta offered to help, saying that he had just reached a new level in Scientology. Travolta touched Brando’s leg and Brando closed his eyes. “I watched this process going on—it was very physical,” Brolin recalls. “I was thinking, This is really fucking bizarre! Then, after ten minutes, Brando opens his eyes and says, ‘That really helped. I actually feel different!’ ” (Travolta, through a lawyer, called this account “pure fabrication.”)

Err. Does Josh realize that he witnessed John Travolta give Marlon Brando a handjob? I'd call it "fucking bizarre" too, but I'd also called it a "fucking handjob" instead of "this process."

I guess nothing makes Thetans jump like jizz procured by the hand of a Travolta.

I don't know if John Travolta and John Gotti Jr. are hugging, trying to steal each other's wallets or awkwardly wrestling for the bottom position. Whatever the case may be, this picture of John and Junior was taken outside of a restaurant in Brentwood last night. No, John didn't meet with Junior to put a hit out on Ricky Gervais. John is thinking about playing John Gotti Sr. in a biopic on the Gotti family and he talked with Junior and director Nick Cassavetes about the project over dinner.

John and the mafia sort of have a lot in common, so this does make sense. Both know their way around a back room. Both are experts at rubbing a dude out. Both flip out over shiny suits. Both use a front to hide the activities they don't want anyone knowing about. So this is perfect casting! But John is probably only doing it, because he's always wanted a wig of sparkly platinum polyester follicles on his head. Although, with a silver wig on his head, John might look more like Leona Helmsley than John Gotti.

Some of Hollywood is still rubbing burn cream on their ass lips from when Ricky Gervais put a BIC under their butts at the Golden Globes last weekend. And they're still mad about it. Judd Apatow, director of Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin, hosted the Producers Guild Awards last night and he used his opening monologue to kick at Ricky's nalgas for being a meanie bully. Judd tried to give Ricky a taste of his own cunt syrup. From The Hollywood Reporter:

Judd on Ricky hosting the GGs: “What did you think of Ricky Gervais? I didn’t like him. I thought he was mean.”

Judd on Ricky's Lost joke: “He had that joke about the guy on Lost. He said he ate everybody else. Let’s be honest -- Ricky Gervais just lost weight. Even now he’s four pounds away from not being allowed to do a joke like that. Did he lose weight just to make fat jokes? You think that’s how mean he is?"

Judd on Ricky's Tim Allen joke: "He made a joke about Tim Allen who was standing next to Tom Hanks. Who looks good standing next to Tom Hanks? We all look like a piece of shit standing next to Tom Hanks! Warren Buffet would look like a piece of shit next to Tom Hanks.Tim Allen did 200 episodes of Home Improvement. He was in three of the highest grossing movies of all time. And his latest just crossed the one billion mark. Whereas The Invention Of Lying made $18 million dollars worldwide...Leave Tim Allen alone."

Judd on Ricky's The Tourist joke: “Ricky says the characters were two-dimensional. Then he says he hasn’t seen The Tourist. So as a comedian, that’s not fair, is it? To make jokes about a movie you haven’t seen. I can’t do a joke about The Invention of Lying because I haven’t seen it. You haven’t seen it. None of us have seen it. So the joke would not work.”

Everybody should feel better now that Judd has gently kissed their burnt anuses. This was basically Judd's #itgetsbetter message to poor Hollywood. Gimme a break (shout out to Nell Carter!). I'm sure Tim Allen felt better once he dried his tears with bars of gold and St. Angie Jo doesn't give a shit if The Tourist is trash as long as the check clears.

Well, at least who ever hosts the next award show has some material for their opening monologue. They can make fun of Judd Apatow for making fun of Ricky Gervais for making fun of everybody. We'll be doing this all year long.

And TMZ asked John Travolta, who was pretty much the butt (wink wink) of Ricky's gay Scientology joke, what he thought about the GGs. John said it was more like a roast. And the only kind of roast John likes is the kind where he's got a hard rod in each end, thankyouverymuch!

Here's John putting more miles on his new wig with his wife Kelly Preston, Olivia Newton-John and John Easterling at the G'Day USA Australia Week Gala in Hollywood, CA.

At the 3:23 mark above, Kelly Preston tells Today's Natalie Morales why L. Ron Hubbard wants them to swallow their words and keep their screaming to a minimum while they push a heavy human baby out of their vagina holes. The Thetans slid off of Kelly's skin and new fields of barley grew as she actually quoted L. Ron Hubbard. Yes, she actually quoted L.Ro and used the words "aberration" and "psychosomatic" in the same sentence. This shit makes me want to scream as though a BABY!!! is coming out of my nostrils, ear holes, no-no, peen hole and all the other holes I have. Kelly is serious about this shit:

"Silent birth is basically just no words, as much as possible. If you need to moan, if you cry out, you know all of that, of course that’s normal.

But just bringing them in as peaceful and gentle a way as possible because L. Ron Hubbard found the single source of aberration of psychosomatic illnesses – stress, fears, worry, things like that – have to do with the reactive mind. And in that part of the mind is different words and commands that can come back and affect you later in life.

My kids have always been amazing. Just very calm, very peaceful, happy and I absolutely know it's very much because of that."

How about we extend silent birth to silent life? Okay, no. I believe Kelly. I'm sure the reason why Scientology children are so calm is because stressful words never penetrated their brains at birth. Yes, that is why all Scientology children calm. Cut to Suri Cruise throwing a custom-made Louboutin at her personal maid for serving her ice cream that is too cold.

And if you ever hear John Travolta screeching in the saunas, poke your head into his room and let him know that if Kelly can't holler while she's pushing, then he can't holler while he's taking.