John Travolta

Just a few days after debuting his new bundle of lace front joy on the cover of People Magazine, John Travolta brought it to the opening of the Breitling flagship store in NYC last night. The fellow A-list beauties who got to marvel at John's steam-proof, stick-on wig live and in person included the all-natural Victoria Silvstedt (see below).

Even though I am impressed by John's Knowles-like dedication to wearing the coats of farm animals on his head, I am completely disappointed that nobody around him has answered the urge to snatch that shit like a scorned Miss Gay Brazil loser. When the wig is so blatant, your fingers get the tingles and you just want to grab and dash! You practically have to solofist yourself to keep this from happening. Hmmm. Maybe that's John's intention...... Well. Played.

And John's new watch is all sorts of fancy, but I hope he remembers to take it off before he goes into the sauna. If he doesn't, some poor dude will be farting out wheels and screws for months.

Not the baby, you sillies! I'm talking about the lush and meticulously manicured Afghan Hound wig on top of John Travolta's head. That wig with the "90s boy band part" spent 9 months in the careful hands of Travolta's resident weave mistress and I'm so happy that he got to debut it on the cover of People Magazine! And an extra shot of happiness is bringing the dead roots in my soul back to life, because that wig paired with that white mess of a suit makes Travolta look like a Mexican televangelist who uses Liberace's Greatest Hits as the background music for all of his sermons.

Oh, and John was also gracious enough to share his new wig's cover with his 7-week-old son Benjamin, the new reigning Prince of Scientology. Doesn't Baby Ben look EXACTLY like his parents? And by his parents I mean Xenu and Mary Sue Hubbard.

56-year-old John and 48-year-old Kelly Preston tell People that they've been trying to conceive a baby friend for three long years. The road to baby would've been easier if they actually did sex to each other, but genius Kelly found a way around that! Kelly paid the spa workers to turn off the sauna as soon as John sashayed out of there. Then she snuck in and scooted her cooch on the benches. BAM! It's a miracle!

John went on to tell People that he held Kelly's hand during labor while their 10-year-old daughter Ella Bleu sat outside with Kirstie Alley, who freaked out the hospital staff when she showed up with a fork, a bottle of Tabasco and her placenta eatin' bib on.

Baby Ben is truly a new kind of lucky, because John says that he regularly lulls his son to sleep by singing show tunes including "A Bushel and a Peck" from Guys and Dolls. Baby Ben needs to know that most people paid a penny or two to see his father shimmy his chichis and grind on a boa (see: Hairspray), so he's very lucky that he gets that show for free!

And here's another shot of John's wig and Baby Ben on the cover of Hello! Magazine:

Ben is like, "Heeeeeey, I'm over here! It's not just about the wig, you know!"

Last year Carrie Fisher told Out Magazine that "we don't care if John Travolta is gay." The Advocate decided to brush up on that subject with Carrie again and asked her what she thinks about John Travolta's team of lawyers going after Gawker for publishing a story about his gay spa sex ways. Carrie had this to say:

Wow! I mean, my feeling about John has always been that we know and we don’t care. Look, I’m sorry that he’s uncomfortable with it, and that’s all I can say. It only draws more attention to it when you make that kind of legal fuss. Just leave it be.

If Carrie is trying hard to get the top spot at the Oscar In Memoriam Tribute next year then it's working. Crazy ass Carrie would blurt it out when everybody else is just whispering about it as John comes strollin' out of the Equinox men's locker room with a little dick slobber on the corner of his mouth. Carrie better sleep with all eyes wide open and hope that John isn't wearing her hair as a toupee next month. I hope so too, because that color would look like shit on him!

via Vulture (Thanks Matt)

John Travolta has thrown a baby-proof lacefront on his head this morning, because he's a father to a newborn baby all over again! While surrounded by giant "L.Ro Commands You To SHHH!" signs, Kelly Preston silently removed the velcro from her pillow bump and the surrogate quietly tiptoed into the room to hand over her new BABY BOY!!!! And as she mimed the words "coo" into her new baby's face, John's friends at the bath houses passed around blue cigars (no comment on what they did with those cigars). But in all seriousness, John and Kelly confirms to People that she birthed out the new baby prince of Scientology:

John Travolta and wife Kelly Preston are parents to son Benjamin, who was born Tuesday in a Florida hospital.

The baby weighed 8 lbs., 3 oz.

"John, Kelly and their daughter Ella Bleu are ecstatic and very happy about the newest member of the family," they say in a statement. "Both mother and baby are healthy and doing beautifully."

YAY for John. YAY for Kelly. But a special Xenu YAY for Suri, because now she has a new arraigned friend to smoke barley joints with in the back of the Scientology center in 15 years.

If you're a straight Middle-Eastern dude who has a peen that could give a trick lock jaw, then John Travolta wants you to drop your towel and slide your next to him in the sauna. This is according to Robert Randolph the author of a soon-to-be-released book about Hollywood's "underground" celebrity gay sex spa scene. Robert has already spilled about John's alleged sauna sex fun to The National Enquirer and now he's telling Gawker a little more.

Robert has been following John around the rooms of several Hollywood saunas for 15 years, so he says he knows Danny Zuko is a bottom who has a "You Must Be This Long To Ride This Ride" sign taped to his nalgas. And then Robert started to talk about this one time....

"I walked in and the guy was giving John a blowjob and, like guys do, he pulled his head up when I walked in. Then they left the room," Randolph described Travolta's mate as a "very handsome, very hung" Middle-Eastern man. "I decided to follow them. There was an empty massage room upstairs where guys could go and have sex. I followed them up there and I went in the next room where I normally got my massages, and I watched them have sex. Full-blown sex. Anal." In case you're wondering, Travolta is a bottom.

And John usually only winks at Middle Eastern dudes, but his tastes change all the time...

According to Randolph, Travolta definitely has a type. "His preference is Middle Eastern or guys with dark features," he explains. "His taste has changed over the 15 years that I've seen him visiting spas. First he strictly liked black guys. For the longest time if you weren't black, he didn't want you. Then he was into Middle Eastern men. Then it was Mexicans and other Hispanic guys. Then he moved on to Koreans. I guess he doesn't have much of a preference any more."

If there's one thing he likes, though, it's guys with big dicks, Randolph claims. Especially if the men in question are straight. "He does do more masculine gay guys, but his thing is straight guys," Randolph says. "He pulls them in because they're shocked and impressed that it's Travolta and that they're hooking up with him."

Some shit is not right when John Travolta circa TODAY is wrassling up hot Middle Eastern dudes with "slap somebody" dick and there are times when I can't even get a piece on Craigslist! Maybe I should convert to Scientology (No, I shouldn't), because those crazies get all the peen.

That being said, Robert's going to need to pass some pictures across the table before I believe any of this. I mean, there's a really really good chance that it was Ke$ha most of the time.

I'm not sure if this is the best thing or the worst thing for a newborn baby who has just smushed his head through the Xenu portal of life and is staring straight into the crooked lacefront of John Travolta. The Scientology birthing ritual of eating your "Mah Pussay is Exploding" screams before they come out of your mouth is widely known, but I've never heard this mess before. A source close to John Travolta and Kelly Preston tells Popeater that not only do they have to keep their mouths firmly shut in the labor room, but Scientology rules state that they shouldn't speak words to Baby Benjamin for 7 days. LRo, you crazy for this one!

Kelly tried to follow the rules of her intergalactic leader when she gave birth to her daughter Ella, but she had to quit that shit when her 13th hour of labor rolled around. But she's determined to stick with the rules this time. A source went on to say, "The couple will follow the church's guidelines during delivery. No music, no talking and no screaming will be allowed during the pains of labor. Also their new son cannot be prodded for medical tests or spoken to for the first seven days of his life. You don't want to do anything that will haunt them for the rest of their lives."

The "haunt them for the rest of their lives" part is way too easy, so let's just let it kick at itself on the floor while we watch. But back to the no talking to baby crap. On one hand, having to listen to Mama John and Auntie Tommy sing you a lullaby duet will make you beg your Thetans to take you with them when they jump ship. So the "no talking" rule works in Benjamin's favor there. However, how is Suri going to tell Benjamin what the secret password to the safe house is if she's not allowed to talk to him?!

John Travolta has had to cut short his tour of Australia's finest bath houses to fly back to California to be with his wife Kelly Preston who is currently in the middle of undoing the Velcro on her third trimester baby pillah. Somewhere in Australia, there's a line-up of dudes patiently waiting for John to lick the sauna sweat off their taints and he's not coming. SAD!

The Herald Sun says that John was in Australia for Qantas' 90th anniversary, but that he has fluttered back home after finding out that Kelly's barley water broke. When he arrived in Australia, John told reporters that he might have to make the 22-hour journey back to the States if he got the call. Kelly was supposed to birth out Baby Benjamin on November 26th, but dude obviously wants to get this mess over with so he's coming out early. Benjamin figures that the sooner he touches Earth, the sooner he turns 18 and can quit the crazy.

You know how I want to make a million stupid jokes about how Kelly can return her bump to the Serta factory now and how their surrogate from Rent-A-Womb probably bit her tongue off over the whole silent birth thing, but who cares! What we should really be focusing on is wishing that when Kelly and John bring their baby out for a photo-op on the balcony of the Scientology Castle, Benjamin will rip the merkin off his daddy's head. Pray to Xenu this happens!

UPDATE: John and Kelly's spokeswhore says this is a lie and she's not NOT screaming during labor right now and he didn't cut off his Australian trip. So you can wipe away that sad image of a line-up of dudes waiting to get their taint licked by John.

Kelly Preston is three weeks away from NOT MAKING ONE SQUEAK while pushing out Suri Cruise's future arranged husband, but she already knows what name she's going to write on the birth certificate. John Travolta is in Australia without Kelly for Qantas' 90th anniversary party and he took a moment from tap dancing for peen in the men's room to tell Star Magazine what name they have chosen. Drum roll on your E-meter machine...

The baby friend's name will be: BENJAMIN TRAVOLTA!

I know, what a perfectly normal baby name. I'm almost as disappointed as John Travolta when he sticks his mouth on a glory hole and nothing pokes at his tongue. I mean, no Xenu Jr.? Or Irus (Suri backwards, duh)? Or L-Ro? Ugh. I want a refund.

Many many many ex members of Scientology who were lucky enough to not get tossed into a volcano by the fiery hand of Xenu upon their exit have talked openly about L. Ron Hubbard's silent birth shenanigans. Scientologists believe that a newborn baby has already been through some serious shit and the last thing it needs is its mother's "MAH PUSSAY IS BLOWIN' UP" screams knocking the womb jelly out of its precious ears. During a Scientology birth, no music, talking or screeching is allowed. Can you imagine pushing out an entire human out of your twat hole and some motherfucker says to you, "SHHH." L. Ron Hubbard IS HATEFUL!

Anyways, because of this, Radar's news that Kelly Preston is going to stick an epidural in her tongue during labor isn't surprising at all. Apparently, Kelly did the whole SHHH labor thing for all her children, so obviously she's going to do it with this one. A former high-level member of Scientology explained the silent birth process like this: "One is meant to be as silent as possible so as to not give the child a 'birth engram' with 'hypnotic' type phrases and sounds that will re-stimulate him later in life. Engram is a term used in Scientology that refers to a 'recording' of a past painful event not normally accessible to the conscious mind."

You might be wondering how John Travolta is going to keep from flailing and wailing like Minnie Mouse getting waxed when faced with Kelly Preston's vagina, but that's not going to be a problem. The most stressful thing John and Kelly have to deal with is picking out a fourth-trimester baby pillow with a silent zipper and quiet feathers.

John Travolta's Scientolohole eats a dick for breakfast, a dick for lunch, a dick for an afternoon snack, a dick for dinner and brushes with a dick before gargling a dick. This is what author Robert Randolph claims. Robert is the one who gave The National Enquirer a few pieces from his book, which claims that John Travolta is the reigning peen gobbling king of the underground gay sauna world in L.A.

Robert is talking to The Enquirer (via Celebitchy) again, and this time he's diagnosing John Travolta with a chronic addiction to dick. Adicktion if you will.

Robert says that ever since The Enquirer ran the story about John's love for gay steam room sex, he's gotten six e-mails from dudes who have admitted to eating Vincent Vega's royale with cheese. Robert expects to get at least 50 more e-mails. Yeah, he's a regular Miss Cleo too. Robert told The Enquirer, “I have no doubt that John Travolta is a sex addict. I’ve heard from many men who have either had gay sex with John or saw him having gay sex in health spas, steam rooms, locker rooms, you name it. I’ve gotten so many emails that I’m writing a second book titles ‘Tracking Travolta’ and I’ve got plenty of material.”

Let's say Robert and these six dudes are telling the truth. Let's also say that Robert's estimate is a low ball figure and John's real number is around 150. If John started rolling on sauna wang when he got married to Kelly Preston, that means he's been at it for 19 years. That averages to around 8 different dicks a year. If 8 dicks a year makes a sex addict, then I'll see most of you at the SAA meeting down in the church basement next week. You bring the dicks, I mean donuts, I mean dicks.