Hogans

Skeletor's arch rival and the true power holder of Greyskull, Brooke Hogan, let out a Twatter cry yesterday over SUCIO whores (like this SUCIO whore right here) saying that her relationship with her daddy is as gross as watching Marcus Bachmann try to keep his puckering no-no in control while nibbling on a long stick of hot meat.

Brooke was talking about hos heaving with their eyes over those pictures of her kissing on Hulk Hogan's salmon jerky face at the unveiling of her nekkid portrait for Peta. Brooke's "LEAVE ME ALOOONE" roar went like this:

Im SO sick of people saying me and my dad are in some perverted relationship! Go home and do your own thing! Stop picking on me!
13 Aug

You dumb bitch, I am home.

"Go home and do your own thing" is probably the same shit she says to Hulk when he comes over and tries to do her thing. NO! I'm joking. That's just me needing to go home (?). Brooke is right. There's nothing gross about bringing your daddy to a gallery to stare at a picture of your CGI-ed nekkid body in a dog cage. It's not like Hulk hasn't seen Brooke's naked body in a dog cage before. Did you think she was wearing a sweater when he adopted her from Petco those many years ago?

There's nothing gross about Brooke and Hulk's relationship. However, being a Hogan is all kinds of gross.

via People

The meaning of true love is slowly crusting over, but it had one last outbreak yesterday in the form of Hulk Hogan's wedding to his girlfriend of two years Jennifer McDaniel. As 57-year-old Hulk said "I Do" to 35-year-old Jennifer in a beachfront ceremony outside of his home in Clearwater, Florida, a brawl broke out between one of his security guards and a paparazzo who was trying to document the blessed event (Note to pap: You could've taken a picture of a seagull pecking at a picked off anal wart on the sandy sidewalk and we wouldn't have known the difference).

Radar reports the police were called after the pap complained Hulk's security dudes wrecked his camera and roughed him up a bit. A source said, "Hulk's security team was in the background throwing around the paparazzi who was standing 200 feet away in the shoreline water. Hulk's snappy wedding clip just might be subpoenaed since they are in the background punching it out! The paparazzo wants charges filed and plans to sue for physical, financial and emotional distress."

Hulk's wedding guests barely noticed the brawl since they were too distracted by the sound of Marriage hitting itself over the head with a metal chair while wailing out "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BECOME?!" over and over again. It sucks that the fight didn't spill over into the wedding ceremony, because then Hulk might have accidentally married his daughter Brooke (it's an honest mistake) in the chaos. Then the two of them would've been arrested and jailed for committing incest. Wait, is that shit even illegal in Florida?

(I'm talking about the potty-trained bitch all the way to the left who is wondering what she did in a past life to deserve this shit!) This is Nick Hogan in a wig Brooke Hogan and her mother Linda looking like a pack of neon markers covered in a melted Butterfinger left in a child's backpack while posing for the paps in Miami, FL yesterday afternoon.

If Hatchet Face and a Brit Brit impersonator were the inspiration for a claymation remake of White Chicks, this is what it would look like. I guess somebody has to keep the fashions of 2002 alive.

You know the "Where is the exit?" side-eye Robert DeNiro threw after introducing Diddy Dirty Money on SNL last night?

That same side-eye also applies here.

Yeah, this isn't disturbing at all. In this promo video for Def Jam Rapstar shot in a mid-level hotel room off the highway (it's totally off the highway), Hulk Hogan and his daughter Brooke cover Notorious B.I.G. together. Believe it or not, that's not the disturbing part I was talking about. Things goes from disturbing to disturbing-er when Hulk eyes up Brooke's ass as she backs her shit up and then whips out his boiled Slim Jim (that gigantic black box is LYING) in front of her.

For most of us, if our dad pulled out his dick like it's something we want to see, we'd immediately call adult protective services and then tell our therapist to clear their schedule because we're going to need them the whole week! But for Brooke and Hulk, it's just normal father/daughter bonding time. This mess looks more like a clip from a promo video for Billy Ray and Miley's Daddy & Me camp.

I think I speak for all of us when I say, WE ALL CAN'T.

via Kotaku (Thanks Jeremiah)

If Hulk Hogan cracked open his fortune cookie chichi (or is that a bloated Pac-Man with a wart on his chin?), he would find these words of wisdom: "CONFUCIUS SAYS, DON'T EVEN TRY IT, ASSHOLE!" It's safe to say that we all co-sign that shit. Radar is saying that Hulk Hogan is working with infomercial king Kevin Harrington on a new hand cleanser made from pumice.

Hulk's lawyer says that he believes the product will turn Hulk Hogan into the new Billy Mays. Hulk's lawyer said:

“Billy’s unfortunate passing kind of left a hole. We all agree that he certainly has some big shoes to fill as far as Billy Mays is concerned, but I don’t think that any of us doubt that he has the ability to do it. We hope this is the beginning of a very long and good relationship between him and Kevin and the various products that Kevin may bring to the market. Terry brings decades’ worth of charisma and credibility to the marketplace.”

Just because Hulk looks like he uses Orange-Glo as a body lotion doesn't mean he's got the same powers Billy had. Besides, the world doesn't need a stupid hand cleanser made from pumice. If we want to get the skank off our hands, we just need to hold our palms up to one of Billy's old infomercials and let his "Miley Cyrus after gargling sand" voice scrub that shit clean. Hulk Hogan is not needed.

And will somebody please switch Hulk Hogan and White Oprah's peroxide with NAIR, because obviously the stuff they use causes extreme delusion in the brains.

Proving that eating Hulk Hogan's ass for 25 years causes irreparable brain damage, 50-year-old Linda Hogan is planning to marry her 21-year-old boy toy Charlie Hill. Charlie went to high school with Linda's son Nick and is one year younger than Brooke. Nick is already a dumb fuck of the highest order, so seeing his mother freak on his friend's leg at his high school reunion will hopefully take him over the edge. I can't wait.

Lime Life reports that Linda and Charlie will promise to love each other until death does them part (or until Linda divorces Charlie for using the last bottle of peroxide) next summer. The plan is to get married on Linda's appropriately named yacht, ALIMONY. Brooke has made it clear that the thought of her mother with Charlie makes her want to vom on her assless chaps, so I doubt she'll hold her mother's bouquet at the wedding.

I know Linda looks like a luau pig dressed in drag as Hatchet Face, but she's got plenty of cash stuffed into the middle of her chest hogs thanks to Hulk Hogan so she could probably get herself a hotter paid piece. You know, one that doesn't look like he names all his skid marks and doesn't regularly huff gas out of cars. Actually, maybe she can't. They're perfect for each other.

You may have already heard the one about Linda Hogan taking everything from Hulk Hogan's house including his prized toilet seat. Only Linda Hogan would want a toilet seat embedded with Hulk's ass dust.

Anyyouknowtheresshitcrustontheretoo, Linda has issued a press release to explain why she snatched Hulk's favorite wooden toilet seat. Linda releasing a statement about a toilet seat is as natural as a midnight bowel movement. This is what Linda farted out:

He knows I’m using the wooden toilet seat as frame for his picture ever since I found out he is a serial cheater and liar. Once he comes clean and starts to be honest, he can have it back.

Even though Linda learned that trick at the kindergarten school of revenge, it's still fitting. However, Linda's wall of beautiful family memories would look much better if she hung her picture in a trash can frame next to Hulk's.

It was just four months ago that Hulk and Linda Hogan's divorce became final. In the end, their nasty divorce war left Hulk with a raw asshole, chewed off nipples and a weepy checking account. Hulk must have the memory of a roid pimple, because he's about to walk down the aisle again. The NYDN says that Hulk is engaged to his girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel.

Hulk's brain is as fried as his hair and his girlfriend looks like she's cut from the same cloth as his daughter, so there's a good chance he accidentally proposed to the wrong orange linebacker. But he didn't, because TMZ caught up Hulk and Jennifer at LAX on Tuesday. Jennifer showed off her new ring, and Hulk said, "That could be the new Mrs. Hogan."

If I was Jennifer, I'd hire Elin Nordegren as my prenup specialist. Because Jennifer better get paid a Woods-worth for rubbing her parts all over Hulk's rotisserie chicken body. Seriously, you should never suck on jerky peen like that for nothing!

And if I was Brooke, I'd constantly walk around with a big sign over my titties that read: "STOP: I'm Your Daughter."

Brooke Hogan's album sold 3,500 copies (Yeah, that many) or some shit in its first week, so shouldn't she be dusting off her shelves for all the Grammys she's going to receive or perfecting her tuck game for her massive stadium world tour? You would think. But instead, Brooke Hogan is out giving interviews to Sirius where she's busting on everyone from Beyonce to Cassie to camels (aka her mom):

On Beyonce: "She needs to go and make some babies and chill."

On Cassie's nekkid internet pictures: "Don't show it if it's not right. It's all stretched out."

The funny thing is that Beyonce probably doesn't even know what a Brooke Hogan is. Bitch probably thinks it's a sandwich at Quizno's (lukewarm roast beef served on a stale flat bun with a heaping dollop of bullshit sauce on top). As for Cassie, Brooke is just jealous. Brooke can tuck her dick in between her thighs and pretend she has a vag all she wants, but we all know the truth. And Cassie's "stretched out" vagina is still a zillion times prettier than Brooke's "sperm-count killing" face.

The majority of bitches on Twitter seem to agree. I just spent the last 30-minutes taking notes on the bitchery against Brooke happening on Twitter. Here's just a taste:

arckaye @brookehogan ♥ I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you.

seanblendy @brookehogan Is it possible for your balls to drop lower than your album did?!

Brodi_Avalon @BrookeHogan . Remember, you can't spell " Brooke Hogan " without " Broke Ho"

VIA ONTD

Today in Clearwater, FL, a court room was filled with thirstay peroxide mops, turkey jerky skin and desperation, because the Hogans here there to make their divorce final. The fact that both Hulk and Linda both brought look-alike toys made the whole affair even sadder than Brooke's album signing in the sock section of Wal-Mart.

For over two years, these two water damaged leather sacks have been fighting like Gosselins. Linda wanted more cash to keep her looking like the fine diamond she is, but Hulk didn't want to give it up. OK! says that they finally came to an agreement, but the terms will not be released.

It apparently all ended amicably, because Linda and Hulk even kissed each on the cheek at the end. May the record show: BARF VOM FART.