In this promo picture for Lee Daniels' The Butler, Terrence Howard isn't only sniffing through the cigarette smoke to see if the beautiful scent of a freshly baby wiped ass if wafting off of Oprah, but he's also thinking about how he wants to titty fuck her with his nose. While doing an interview with Movie Fanatic (via TMZ) for his new movie Dead Man Down, Terrence was asked what it was like working with The Mighty O on The Butler. You can practically hear Terrence's tip get moist (sounds like this) when he creams on and on about how he got to suffocate his face on Oprah's chichis. The inspiration for Morris Day's character in Purple Rain lubed up Oprah's 9" dick of an ego with these words of praise for her beauty:
"Oprah and I had such chemistry. To be able to make out with Oprah and to have love scenes with her and those tig ol' bitties. I mean, she's such a lovely and voluptuous woman. She's very, very beautiful and that was wonderful."
Strangely enough, that's exactly what Gayle King says when people ask her what it's like being Oprah's best friend.
Strangely STRANGELY enough, that's almost exactly what Oprah says when people ask her what it was like interviewing Beyonce.
Every time Terrence speaks, I feel like I have to take a baby wipe to my brain and now I feel like I have to take a whole box to my brain after thinking about Terrence slobbering all over Oprah's chichis. Oh, Terrence, you creepy, horny fuck, you.
Terrence Howard and Michelle Howard's divorce fight is turning into the dirtiest of dirties asses and not even a stack of Hazmat-made baby wipes could clean up this mess. The first shot was fired by Michelle when she filed papers claiming that Terry Chris Brown'ed her in the face and threatened to kill her ass. It's Terry's turn to fire a shot and he did just that yesterday when he filed a declaration claiming that Michelle is a bag of crazy covered in a thick layer of racist bitch.
TMZ says that Terry said in the documents that he thought he was marrying a sweet, loving kitten, but after they got married, a white hood grew out of her head and she regularly called him a "monkey" and some other names that sound like they were ripped directly from a Dutch's magazine profile on Rihanna. Terry says in the declaration that Michelle once screamed at him: "I never wanted to marry a n**ger in the first place and I definitely didn't want to be the step mother of some n**ger kids."
Michelle is allegedly trying to get Terry to buy back a video clip she stole from his computer of him taking a shower, and she apparently told him that if he went to the police she'd get her Russian friends to knock him off. The portrait of a lovely marriage doesn't stop there either. Despite Michelle's claims that Terry whooped her ass, he says she's the one who attacked him with a bottle out of jealousy.
So let's just go over all of this. Michelle is trying to paint Terry as a lady-beating crazy and he's trying to paint her as a man-beating racist who married a black man even though she's a fucking racist. Okay. Makes sense. If I was the judge in this case, I'd sentence both of them to their rooms and I'd make them lay down and wait for this cat to come to stroke the fuckery out of them.
Seriously, both of these crazy bitch motherfuckers need to go to bed.
Nine months after the second wife of baby wipes aficionado, Terrence Howard, filed for divorce on the grounds that her asshole was missing some Charmin, she was granted a restraining order against him. Michelle Howard claims that Terrence Ike Turnered her several times, threatened to murder her and had her bawling in a parking lot. Since the box between the in box and the out box at the L.A. Courthouse is marked "TMZ," they got a hold of the documents and listed all the messy shit that Michelle is accusing Terrence of doing to her:
smacking her in the face and chipping her tooth with his wedding ring
throwing her down to the ground in a parking lot
telling her, "I'll hit a woman quicker than I'd hit a man"
Saying, "If you tell anyone about my personal business, I will kill you and no one will ever know
Screaming, "Bitch, walk home. That's my car, I pay for it."
But Terrence shot back with his own papers claiming that Michelle is making it all up to get more money out of him. Terry would never hurt a fly. In fact he'd befriend that fly and clean its little fly asshole with a little fly baby wipe so that it could smell fresh around its little fly friends. Terry says that Michelle is hungry for his cash and has even threatened to sell a video of him singing naked in the shower if he doesn't open up his wallet to her.
You know, I am writing this while sitting on Michelle's side of the court room. I just can't with Terry for so many reasons. One being that when I went to visit my mom a few months ago, I walked into her bathroom to get a cuticle cutter and there it was sitting on top of the toilet. It was a terrifying box of BABY WIPES taunting me. My mom's bathroom doesn't have any free wall space, so I had to back up into the hallway and slowly wall slide while letting out a barely audible, "Noooooooooooo." Worlds collided and I've been cursing Terry Howard's name ever since.
Make no mistake about it. Terrence Howard looks like a dapper, debonair gentleman who only farts into the finest of silk scarves and mostly speaks in a smooth cashmere tone of a Barry White after-cognac burp, but if you mess with his marriage, he will SERENA WILLIAMS out and kill you through the froat! Case in point: Radar says that some moron with dirty ass for brains got a hold of what she thought was Terry Howard's cell phone number.
After getting some liquid courage in her veins, she tried to call Terry but her phone was dead. So she used her male friend's cell phone, called the number and professed her undying love for Bishop Baby Wipes in a voicemail message. But it turns out that the number she thought belonged to Terry actually belonged to his wife. So what is a Terry Howard to do when a strange lady voice verbally blows his ego on his wife's voicemail? Well, he threatens to a kill a trick, of course. Terry left this (click here to get it in your ears) love song on the dude's voicemail:
"Nigga, you been calling my wife... If you call my wife again I'm going to come to your house and I'm going to cut your fucking throat. Understand that. I'm gonna tell you this one time. You call my wife again, I'm going to kill you."
But after Terry went to his calm happy place by sniffing his wife's baby wipes fresh asshole, he called back a few days later to apologize for the misunderstanding:
"I'm so sorry for calling you and speaking that way. I thought you were somebody that's been harassing my wife. Please forgive me. My wife told me that she was receiving obscene text from you and that she was being harassed. Therefore I responded with the protective nature that a husband has for his wife. Forgive me for the anger, but as you are watching over your girlfriend, I too am devoted to my love."
If you're going to get your throat cut up, it might as well be by the hand of Terry Howard. Yes, you would die a slow painful, blood-curdling death and the last face you'd ever see would be the smug crazy face of the dude from Glitter, but at least your crime scene would be as sparkling clean as a newborn baby's fresh out of the womb ass! Terry cannot strut away from a body covered with orifice goo of any kind. Terry would whip out his baby wipes attache (seen above) and clean your body the same way he expects all of his females to clean their caca holes. Your dead body would be so damn clean that even Terry would sit next to it at dinner.
Your family members would walk in on your murdered body and scream "AAAAAAAH!," but then they'd take a whiff of the air and calmly say, "But damn it smells precious in here!" Thanks to Terry!
Here's Melissa Leo at yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica dressed like a track home madam who is about to flee through the sliding back door of her DIY brothel in Palmdale after authorities received an anonymous tip that she's housing imported whores in her garage. Tell me that isn't a look that screams "You've got a $20, I've got a hand job ho for you!"
You know, I'm so sick of dumb asses declaring that Natalie Portman "is the girl to watch" at the Oscars tonight. Yeah, I've been watching the fashion moves of that Ivy League al dente noodle for months and it's about as exciting as taking the SATs with a No.2 pencil on a Saturday morning while completely sober. Bitch is fashion Ambien. But Melissa Leo on the other hand, that ho knows that the best accessory is always a giant coat of CRAZY. Melissa's look tells a damn story. Yes, that story airs on truTV several nights a week, but a story it still is! Natalie's basic ass looks like it was attacked by an exploding lemon danish. Next.
Click here to see the ISA winners if that's what you need and below is a bunch of pictures of everybody who gave pose on the grey carpet yesterday. In order: the best dressed of the night Melissa Leo, Prince Von A-Hole, Chuckie Finster with Warren Beatty, Rosario Dawson, Taye Diggs, Illeana Douglas, James Franco, Thierry Guetta, Saint Crazy's daughter, Baron Baby Wipes, Vera Farmiga, Dana Delany, Nicole Kidman, Diego Luna with Camila Sodi, Ewan McGregor about to take a pee pee, Eva Mendes, Natalie Portman, Aron Ralston, a drunk Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo with a hand full of Sunrise, Zoe Saldana, Lea Thompson, Kerry Washington and Naomi Watts with Liev Schreiber.
Terrence Howard's wife of only one year Michelle Howard, seen her trying to hide the down low discomfort she feels from over-baby wiping her chocha, has filed for divorce. Terrence and Michelle made wipes every variety cry Propylene glycol tears of happiness when they were married on January 20, 2010. Michelle wrote January 27, 2011 as the day their marriage fell into a Pamper and got stuffed into a Diaper Genie.
Radar reports that Michelle wants spousal support and is also asking that Terrence take care of her legal fees. Terrence and Michelle never had children, because he didn't want her sharing her stash of Baby Wipes with anybody else!
Terrence's voice could melt the ice in my well whiskey, but that bitch has the wrong kind of OCD. Michelle couldn't use the bathroom without Terrence putting his ear up to the door to make sure her hand never touched that roll of toilet paper. After she finished, Terrence went in there and counted every damn sheet! If Michelle's pussy didn't smell like baby ass and Purell, he sent her back to the bathroom to try again. Michelle is divorcing that motherfucker, because she wants CHARMIN back in her life. It's as simple as that.
Kiss a baby wipe and kick a roll of toilet paper, because Terrence Howard got married! Yes, there is a real woman out there whose vagina is squeaky clean enough for Terrence to marry! Trust me, I'm sure Terrence thoroughly tested the woman to make sure she doesn't have an untidy vagina that will keep his fragile nostrils twitching in the middle of the night. If her pussy doesn't whistle and squeak when she queefs, Terrence would never put a ring on it.
UsWeekly brings the news that Terrence made Michelle Ghent-Howard his second wife. Terry and Michelle quietly got married a few months ago. While promoting the Winnie Mandela biopic in Cannes (Terry plays Nelson), Terry said to Anderson Cooper during an interview, "To come here and be with my wife, it's the best feeling in the world."
Let's hope Terrence is generous enough to share the pictures of his beautiful wedding with us. I'm sure the bride wore a gown made of baby wipes and carried a bouquet of hypoallergenic tampons. Terrence was going to wear a bow tie and cummerbund made out of douche bottles, but he thought that was a bit redundant seeing as though he's already a douchebag. And instead of declaring "You may now kiss the bride," the preacher said, "You may now sniff the bride's cooch to make sure she smells as fresh as a newborn baby's asshole." Just beautiful.
Whenever you see a sexy piece making the "snake going into the cave" gesture with his hands, that's your cue to take all them panties off, dip your nasties into a bowl of lukewarm Crisco, and line your fuck part with your condom of choice for Easy Pass access. So you know what drill I busted into when I first saw this picture of The Silver Fox. No wonder my neighbors from across the way always have their shades drawn.
Here's Mah Boo at the CNN Heroes Awards along with DoMe Howser, Baby Wipes Howard, The Rock, Eva Mendes, Carrie Underwears and Leona Lewis.
Terrence Howard is on a nationwide mission to make sure everyone keeps all our parts fresh and so clean! Terry has already preached about the importance of wiping your vagina with baby wipes, and now he's telling the city of Philadelphia to wash their hands.
I can't wait to see Terry's PSA for Febreezing your musty nuts and his infomercial for dipping your butter-covered peen in OxiClean.
So, the next time you decide to skip the sink, think of Terrence Howard and do the right thing. Besides, a giant douche would know all about hygiene.
You know it's one of those days when a story about Terrence Howard saving the life of a baby bird is the most hilarious thing you've heard in hours. No, my lips have not been on a bong or a bottle of computer duster yet. Unfortunately.
So picture this! Terrence Howard is strolling down the streets of Beverly Hills keeping it sexy and spreading the word of baby wipes. Then all of a sudden, Terry hears a chirp for help coming from the middle of the street. Terry glances over and see a helpless, innocent baby bird lying there about to be run over by a giant bus! Terry swoops in, stops traffic, cleans up the bird with a baby wipe before touching it and then carries it out of harm's way. Seriously. That's what someone told Page Six. Well, they left about the baby wipes part, but you know that happened.
The source actually said, "A baby bird was walking in front of a bus when someone from the store came out and tried to help it. Terrence followed, holding his hands up and stopping until the bird was out of harm's way."
It's out there for a chick!
This touching story reminds me of the time when I thought I saved the life of a baby bird when I was 6ish. I was coming home from school with my friend when I saw a baby bird lying on the ground. It felt out of the tree. I picked it up and was planning to put it back in the tree. That's when my bitch ass friend said, "Good going. You just killed it. Its mother is going to eat it now that you've put your dirty hands all over it." Then he called me a killer and ran off. Terrence was smarter than me, because he made sure to clean the baby bird with a baby wipe before touching it. The mommy bird was probably impressed as shit.
Fuck, this is stupid. Oh, bong, where are you?!