When Anne Hathaway showed up to the Oscars wearing a powder pink Prada nipple dress, Ghouliana Rancic from E! (or somebody like that) said that she was supposed to wear a Valentino gown, but she changed at the last minute after finding out that someone else was wearing a dress that looked just like it. ESCANDALO! That somebody else was Amanda Seyfried. Because Valentino issued a press release to the media hours before the Oscars saying that Anne was going to wear them, she released some super annoying public apology to them. Well, now UsWeekly is saying that at rehearsals the day before the Oscars, Amanda Seyfried showed Anne a picture of the Alexander McQueen dress she was going to wear and Tracy Flick's overachieving idol lost her mind. UsWeekly put it like this:
"Anne was like 'WTF?!'" the source reports. "She started throwing a fit!" The 30-year-old Best Supporting Actress victor, however, "never told Amanda she had to change the dress." Still, Seyfried, 27, was ruffled by Hathaway's tirade. "Amanda didn't want to deal with it and left" the rehearsal, the source notes.
I'm with Anne Hathaway on this. She wore a copy of that Valentino gown in all of the dozens of dress rehearsals she had for her Oscar acceptance speech and everything was perfect until that come-to-life Simpsons character had to RUIN HER WHOLE FUCKING LIFE by wearing a dress that looked like hers. How would you feel if you had to change your costume the day before opening night? But Anne handled it all wrong. Anne should've put on the fake smile she's known for and then later that night, she should've broken into Amanda's hotel room and poured itching powder all over that copy cat dress. Anne failed herself by not asking, "What would Eve Harrington do?"
Tracy Flick's spirit animal Anne Hathaway knows that Valium prescriptions are up by 300%, because a ton of people had to overly medicate themselves to deal with the soul-killing baby voice she used in all of her overly rehearsed acceptance speeches. Anne said that all the hate got to her, but that she knows there's a negative to every positive and blah blah blah blah. A source tells UsWeekly that Anne worked on her Oscar speech a lot, because she wanted to come off as more likable to her haters. It didn't work! Was Anne's coach Taylor Swift, because if you want to come off as more likable you don't start your speech by saying "It came true" like you're Cinderfuckingrella.
The source said that she practiced her speech a lot and tweaked it so people wouldn't have the urge to choke out their TV screens. The source said, "She was very aware that she had been the butt of everyone's jokes."
Why does Anne even care? Anne has the only thing in life she's ever wanted, AN OSCAR, and she probably has a six pack on her lungs from all the heavy breathing she did during her speeches, so why the hell should she care how we feel. Anne should just tell us to eat her farts and then disappear off the face of Hollywood the way most Best Supporting Actresses do.
And one of my friends, who loves Anne Hathaway the same way I love tortillas with mayonnaise, IMed yesterday and said something like, "Why do you hate Anne Hathaway so much? Is it because she reminds you of high school since she was the kind of girl who was your only friend back then?"
I hate it when whores tell me the truth.
Today's front page headline on The Los Angeles Times isn't "Kodak Theater Burned To The Ground After Anne Hathaway Loses To Sally Field," which means that Anne Hathaway FINALLY won the thing she's been hustling to get her hands around for months. After working the stroll like the mafia was holding her entire family hostage and the lives of a million kittens depended on her, Anne won Best Supporting Actress last night. Right after Anne won, I'm sure the first thing she did was scratch the word "Supporting" off her trophy, because you know she thinks she carried that whole damn movie and she did it while only eating dried oatmeal skid marks for nourishment. You're welcome, Hugh Jackman!
Anne's speech wasn't as nerve-killing as her other speeches were, but that's probably because I changed the channel to QVC as soon as her name was announced. No, Anne probably toned it down, because the producers told her that they didn't want to be hit with a class action lawsuit from the millions of people who sprained their eye muscles while rolling their eyeballs during her speech. Most of us bitches in the comments were hoping for Anne to go over and instead of being played off by the Jaws theme song, we were hoping for a trap door to open and for her to fall into a pool full of actual sharks.
At the end of Anne's speech, she told a bona fide lie when she thanked her Dollar Tree Ryan Gosling of a husband and said, "My husband, by far and away the greatest moment of my life is the one when you walked into it. I love you so much. Here's hoping someday in the not-too-distant future the misfortunes of Fantine will be only found in fiction and not in real life."
Change "my husband" to "my Oscar" and then ho would've been telling the truth. This morning, Anne's husband woke up and found a Dear John letter on the pillow next to him. Anne's going to divorce his ass, marry Oscar in a quickie Las Vegas wedding and move to a farm in Vermont where they'll have a dozen tiny little Oscar babies together. Anne is finally with the dude of her wet dreams, OSCAH!
Here's more of Anne, her future husband Oscar and her paper cone titties last night.
Kunty Karl isn't the only designer who will look a basic bitch up and down and dismiss her with one hand while delicately fanning his beauty with the other. Shoe designer Manolo Blahnik, seen above dressed like a dainty ring bearer at an Easter time wedding, can't be bothered with the likes of such simple mice girls like Annanda Hathafried or Amme Seythaway, or whatever their names are, because he's way too busy worshiping at the feet of real screen goddesses like Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle. Random, I know. Manolo is obsessed with Twin Peaks and while talking to Interview Magazine (via P6), he said that they just don't make 'em like Lara Flynn Boyle anymore. (Shhh cállate, nobody tell Manolo what Lara Flynn Boyle did to her face.)
Manolo pulled a "Harpo, who dis woman?" on Anne Hathaway and Amanda Seyfried while declaring his undying love for the beauties of Twin Peaks. Shade on, shady queen, shade on:
Well, last time, I had this, what do you call it? What is it called, this, this thing here? [Blahnik's hands circle over the right side of his torso] Forget about it. I forget about the diseases that I have. I don't want to know. But anyway, so I have this thing here, and when I went to this award at the Savoy, I was 40 degrees [centigrade] in temperature, and I said to people, "Please forgive me that I'm out of it." And I was waiting to be photographed. And I almost fainted on that girl, the tiny woman from France, no, from Mexico . . . Salma Hayek. But she's a sweet girl, beautiful. I love that. This is what I really love: Where are those girls? I was looking the other day, Lara Flynn Boyle in Twin Peaks and that other girl Sherilyn Fenn—they're old-school girls like Elizabeth Taylor, and I think that's so fabulous. David Lynch is démodé now, if you look at his films. I looked at them the other weekend. I said, "I'm going to stay in bed, I can't take anymore." And so I watched the whole series of Twin Peaks. I was in heaven. And I realized how bad it is.
And then Manolo starts rambling about some other movie before he gets back to slobbering over Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle:
Then I saw these girls like Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle that should be working now instead of these anonymous girls. They're all the same. I don't even know Amanda Seyfried or whatever—they're all the same! I try to remember—the only one I remember is Julia Roberts because she's particular. Anne Hathaway . . . Pretty? Yes. Wonderful actress? Yes. But, I mean, I don't even remember her. What is it about her?
.....I'm not saying she's not beautiful or a great actress. I just don't remember her.
Manolo must not go on the Internet and the one TV he owns must only play one channel (The Twin Peaks Channel), because how can you not remember Anne Hathaway? Every time you open your laptop and turn on your TV, her TEEFS are hitting in the eyes. She's everywhere!
And Manolo made a huge mistake by admitting that he thinks Anne Hathaway is forgettable. Anne Hathaway wants everyone to remember her forever! Anne is going to break into Manolo's fan room and replace all his fans with fans made from her head shots. Anne is going to replace his Twin Peaks box set with The Anne Hathaway Box Set (available in stores the day after the Oscars!). Anne is going to replace the velvet painting of Sherilyn Fenn over his bed with a velvet painting of Anne Hathaway.
Anne Hathaway will not be forgotten!!!!
And when she wins the Oscar on Sunday, she'll look into the camera and say, "Guess you'll remember me now, you dusty old queen!" *mic drop* But sadly for Anne, Manolo won't be watching. He's going to watch Boxing Helena instead.
In between talking shit about Kelly Clarkson and announcing his love for coochie and cock, Clive Davies writes in his new memoir that he's working on a big Broadway revival of My Fair Lady. Clive has always wanted to produce a Broadway musical and now his dream might come true, because he recently got the stage rights to My Fair Lady. Anne Hathaway is currently spending her days working with Coach Taylor Swift on her OHMYGAWDMYNIPSEXPLODEDICANBELIEVEIWON face for when she wins the Oscar on Sunday, but once she's done with that, Clive wants her to play Eliza Doolittle in his big revival. Oh, wouldn't that be barferly? According to Playbill, Clive writes this in his book:
"I always wanted to produce a Broadway show, and I've never done it. I'm hopeful we will prepare and finalize everything this year to bring My Fair Lady next year to Broadway with a stellar cast. I don't want to jinx myself, but we're in discussions with two magnificent performers and a wonderful director to do that. I was always hoping that the tradition of great musicals giving birth to songs that are part of the fabric of our culture would continue. But that has not happened. We've had hit Broadway shows, but the scores have not really been up to that golden-era tradition.
So since that has not occurred, I really want to make sure that the greatest musical of all time — which to me is My Fair Lady — can show once again why a classic can be as meaningful half a century later as it was when it originally opened. I look forward to that."
Clive says that he wants Anne to play Eliza and Colin Firth to play 'Enry 'Iggins, and he's hoping Bartlett Sher will direct.
Anne Hathaway is every high school drama student I've ever met mashed into one person. She probably does vocal warmups before she lets out an orgasm wail and if Lea Michele wasn't already the real-life Rachel Berry, I'd say Anne Hathaway is the real-life Rachel Berry. So yodeling on Broadway is her destiny! The only Anne I want to see as Eliza Doolittle is Anne Burrell, but the role of Eliza Doolittle is still perfect for Anne Hathaway. My Fair Lady is one of the ultimate makeover musicals and Anne is pretty much the queen of makeovers in movies. It's not an Anne Hathaway project unless bitch gets a makeover in it.
Here's Anne working the Justin Bieber circa 2011 hair at the Costume Designer Guild Awards last night.
Not since Mrs. Slocombe has a British goddess worked a glorious cotton candy mop like this. At the BAFTAs in London tonight, hos of all ages dropped to their knees when Dame Helen Mirren twirled onto the red carpet like the magical nymph she is. Helen Mirren didn't care that the rain drops were threatening to wash away the strawberry Kool-Aid hair dye from her locks. Helen laughed at the rain, twirled, laughed at the rain, posed and then twirled again. Helen is just at the BAFTAs to get drunk on free champagne, make out with her husband in the hallway and dance in the aisles during the commercial breaks. Helen Mirren is like a human ecstasy pill. If I licked her, I'd probably get a sudden craving for orange juice and glow sticks.
“I saw it on America’s Next Top Model, so I decided to have a go. I know I won’t win tonight, but I’m going to have lots of fun and celebrate anyway.”
SPOILER ALERT: Helen Mirren didn't win tonight (Emmanuel Riva did!), but I'm sure she just twirled in the audience as Paloma Faith, Thandie Newton, Jennifer Garner, Ann Hathaway, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence watched and secretly wished they could be a 1/100th as hot as she is.
And take cover, because the ego balloon on Tyra Banks' head is going to expand and blow up after she hears that Helen Mirren is taking beauty tips from her.
The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn't she would've screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.
I don't know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would've worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn't detachable, because if it was it would've detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she's about as humble as Kanye West.
On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway's head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she'd have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.
Here's a few pictures from last night's SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.
I promise that this will be my last 2013 Golden Globes post of the year (no, it won't be) and after this we shall never speak of the 2013 Golden Globes again (yes, we will), but how can I not post about the only reason why the 2013 Golden Globes happened in the first place? The 2013 Golden Globes only existed to pay tribute to the greatest singing and acting talent of this and every other generation!
Of course, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress for Les Miserables and after she burped out a "blergh," she said, "Oh my gosh, this is happening." Bitch, stop. Don't act like you didn't build a replica of the Golden Globes stage in your spare room just so you could practice your acceptance speech for weeks beforehand. Anne totally screened her speech for test audiences and asked them if she should keep in the line, "Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self doubt." They voted to keep that line in, obviously. Anne continued to blabber on and she went overtime, but she wasn't done yet.
In the clip above, Les Miserables is named the Best Comedy Or Musical (Note: Les Miserables qualified as a comedy and a musical thanks to Russell Crowe's singing) of the year and before the movie's producer can even start his speech, Anne hijacks the mic and mouth farts out all the names of hos she forgot to thank. Anne looked so nervous, crazed and anxious when she hopped on the mic that I thought she was going to scream, "He's wearing a bomb! Everybody run!" But it was a different kind of emergency. Anne just needed to thank more people. That's all.
After the show ended, Anne jumped back on the mic and continued to thank people while the crew struck the set and moved all the chairs out of the ballroom. The crew then picked up the part of the stage that Anne was on and moved it to the back of a truck as she kept thanking people. That truck is now somewhere between Los Angeles and Barstow, and Anne is still on it, thanking people.
Here's Anne, wearing a lovely dildo cozy, while posing with some of her Les Miserables castmates last night.
While accepting the award for Best Singing While Ugly Crying in a Movie at the Critics' Choice Awards last night, Anne Hathaway (or as my mom calls her, "Anne Haddaway," which always makes me think of this) let a trick know that she's not happy that they spelled her name wrong. In the nominees video package that played before Eddie Redmayne announced that she won, Anne's name was spelled as "Ann." Ann grabbed the trophy and set a bitch right:
"This is a bittersweet moment for me because I have this award, but you spelled my name wrong. It is with an "e." It's probably in bad taste for me to point that out here, but um... I'm sorry I don't mean to be gauche."
You might think that AnnE was just joking, but AnnE wasn't joking. As soon as she left the Critics' Choice Awards, she found herself a voodoo witch to cast a black magic spell on the not-knowing dumb whore who screwed her name up. They will never forget the "e" ever again. Every time they sit on the toilet to do a #2, they're going to shit out e-shaped poops. Every time they spit, they're going to spit up e-shaped saliva drops. Every time they pour Cheerios into their cereal bowl, they're going to pour out e-shaped CheeriEs. Every time they turn on the TV, the only channel that will come up will be E! Every time their weed man shows up for a delivery, he'll open up his bag and say, "Sorry, the only thing I've got right now is E." They'll never escape the "e."
And on a different note, I finally saw Les Misercryingandsinging. The little boy who played Gavroche should be getting all of the awards instead of Ann "Don't Forget The E, Bitch" Hathaway. He did the best impersonation of Kingston Rossdale I've ever seen.
Everybody has nominated Anne Hathaway for Best Supporting Actress for Les Miserables from the BAFTAs (click here to see all the nominations, which were announced this morningtime) to the Barstow International Film Festival to the Sloths Choice Awards to the Starvers In Cinema Appreciation Awards. Everybody has nominated her ass. But yesterday, when the nominations for the most important accolade in modern cinema, the Razzies, were announced, Anne Hathaway's name was nowhere to be seen. "Why wasn't I nominated for a RAZZIE?! Why am I not BAD enough?!" echoed through the streets of Manhattan yesterday as Anne Hathaway did the slow wall slide of sadness before dropping to her knees and crying out a puddle of rejection. (Fun fact: Anne received Best Meltdown In A Snub for that meltdown and she will accept her award at a ceremony next week. Anne will wear a dress designed by Marchesa.)
Poor Anne Hathaway. Why couldn't she have sucked in Les Miserables for at least 10 seconds? If at least 1/10000000th of her performance was shit, she would've qualified for a Razzie, but Anne just can't help it. Anne must have all the nominations and she didn't get a Razzie nomination. She has failed. Why does she have to give an OMGTHENEXTLAURENCEOLIVIERHASBEENFOUND performance all the time? Anne is looking for a return receipt, because it's so hard being God's gift to acting.
Anne has cleared her schedule for the rest of the year so that she can take classes at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Suck and learn from the masters, Professor January Jones and Professor Megan Fox, on how to be a shitty actress. Anne will get that Razzie nomination one day! You'll see!
Here's Anne putting on a brave face at last night's National Board of Review Awards in NYC, where the Best Supporting Actress award went to Ann Dowd for her performance in the creepiest and most frustrating episode of Crank Yankers ever. "Brave Face" is also the name of the shade of foundation that Anne Hathaway wants to sell you, which would explain why she's dressed like the assistant manager of a MAC counter at Nordstrom.
Here's a few more pictures from last night. In order: the greatest thespian of our time and beyond, a come-to-life Simpsons character, Angela Bassett, Quvenzhané Wallis, Ann Dowd, Eddie Redmayne, Emily Blunt with John Krasinski, Jessica Chastain and Emmanuelle Riva.