Anne Hathaway

The Dark Knight Gets A Boner trailer played before the IMAX showings of Mission Impossible 4 this weekend and so dozens of busted and grainy bootleg copies made their way onto the Internet. Some of those bootlegs were so damn bad they looked like they were shot during an earthquake on 8MM by a junkie with the heroin shakes. Well, Warner Bros. finally got their shit together and released the full trailer today. You can put down your flaming pitchforks of outrage, because there's no Catwoman in this trailer. But there is a masquerade ball scene that I do not appreciate....

Remember in Batman Returns when that hot bitch Michelle Pfeiffer glamorously lets her sanity unravel in front of Michael Keaton while she sticks him in the side with her gun at the masquerade ball? There's a scene like that in this trailer, but instead of Anne Hathaway bringing out the insane glamour, she whispers about some 99% shit. Bitch is going on about how the rich are going to get theirs. The hell? Bitch, grab your whip and start purring and whippin' at hos. OCCUPY GLAMOUR, not WALL STREET. Oh, Michelle Pfeiffer, please deliver us from this.

And that Bane trick needs to do more "red leather, yellow leather" exercises, because I can't even pretend to know what he's saying.

via DS

Anne Hathaway just won't let those "Anne Hathaway is a big ole' lez" rumors be great, because she is now wearing a promise to get hitched ring given to her by a dude who looks like Alice the Goon in disguise as Ryan Gosling. Anne's rep confirms to People that her 30-year-old boyfriend of 3 years Adam Shulman got down on one knee, gazed deeply into her TEEFS (since there's really nowhere else for your eyes to go) and asked her to marry his ass. Her rep also said that Adam, who is an actor/jooree designer (HA!), helped to design her engagement ring (click here to see it if you care).

Anne and Adam started bumping teeth three years ago right after she broke up with the Italian fiancé who claimed to be the CEO of the Vatican in order to swindle investors out of millions of dollars. Anne pretty much only started dating Adam so he could hump the memory of Raffy from her brain, but then she fell in love or something. Anne said this about Adam a few months ago, "I am very much in love with him, [only] Adam totally ruined my plan. I was really actually looking forward to a little alone time, and then I fell in love like a fool!"

You know, Anne's bright white Chiclets are looking extra swole in that picture, which could only mean one thing: the ho is knocked up! (Just go with me on this, you'll thank me later). This means that Anne is in no condition to finishing shooting that Batman shit, which means her role will have to be completely reshot, which means Julie Newmar will have to be brought in since she knows the role. We've been saved from Anne's Catwoman! Our nightmare is over. We can thank Adam for that. Adam may look like a creeper whose eyes are so beady from squinting through a tiny hole in a public bathroom to watch ladies pee, but he's our savior!

Looking like any random sorority girl going to a Halloween party in a DIY Catwoman costume she made in 10 minutes using a cat ear headband from Claire's, a Zorro mask from Ricky's, her auntie's old Wilson's Leather jumpsuit and pleather boots she bought at DSW, Anne Hathaway made the alley pussies purr out a "meh" when she hit the set of The Dark Knight Rises with Christian Bale and Gary Oldman in Downtown L.A. yesterday. If you've got a cat in heat that is keeping you up with her midnight calls for pussy dick, don't reach for the Q-tip, just show her these pictures instead. Bitch's pussy will go from hot to cold in zero seconds. This is the opposite of cat scratch fever.

We've only seen pictures of Anne in Selina Kyle drag, so I know it's unfair of me to say that her Catwoman will be about as sexy as the sight of my dog nibbling on a litter box cat cookie (Note to scat-loving zoophiles: that comment does not apply to you), but have I ever been fair? I mean, if this bitch came at you in a dark alley, the first thing you'd say would be: "Why is Batgirl meowing?"

I know Christopher Nolan is going for a Julie Newmar look, but I've always been told that when you want a Julie Newmar look, you should just get Julie Fucking Newmar herself. Even Batman can't take this sad mess seriously.

The entire soul of the Internet dropped lower than the DOW late last night when Warner Bros. pushed out the first picture of Anne Hathaway as "Selina Kyle" from The Dark Knight Rises. If you told me that Anne was chasing a dog with Ricky Gervais voice and Joel McHale, I wouldn't accuse you of lie telling, because this shit looks straight out of Spy Kids 4. This shit looks like it belongs on LOLCats.

You know, when they first announced Anne as Catwoman (or as "Selina Kyle" as they keep calling her ass), I thought it was a little ironic that they'd cast a chick who looks like a lab mouse that got injected with the blood of Cesar Romero, but I told myself that Christopher Nolan knows what he's doing (But probably not. I mean, casting Katie Holmes AND Maggie Gyllenhaal?). I'm going to file my rage away until the first picture of Anne in her full Catwoman drag comes out, because this cannot be it. This is just Selina Kyle driving to Radio Shack to buy a new charger for her Bluetooth eye set. In the meantime.....

We must NEVER forget this:

We must also NEVER forget this:

And we must NEVER forget to completely forget this:

UsWeekly has a source telling them that forever theater nerd Anne Hathaway and forever grouch stoner James Franco developed a newfound hate for each other while co-hosting the Oscars together. Anne smiled her four layers of teeth on the outside, but on the inside she wanted to cut off the 170lb stoned artist that she had to drag around on stage. Meanwhile, James Franco was permanently trapped in a cloud of green smoke and cared more about what the ingredients in Hot Fries are than hosting the Oscars with Anne. From UsWeekly:

A source tells Us Weekly that Anne Hathaway, 28, and James Franco grew to "hate each other" as they rehearsed to host the Oscars Feb. 27.

She had to provide all the energy -- he was just phoning it in," says a second insider. ("James seemed in his own little world," during the Oscar telecast, says another source. "Producers were pissed.") Franco, 32, skipped his own party at L.A.'s The Writer's Room. "He went immediately back to NYC because he was pissed about how the show went," adds a third source.

James Franco's rep says this whole thing is a lie and Anne's rep said the same thing.

Let's just say this is true.. I'm guessing that about 99% of the people who watched the Oscars developed a newfound hate for both Anne and James, so the two of them can get together in a corner of the cafeteria and bond over that. See, our HATE heals wounds and brings bitches together. Don't let anybody tell you that being a hateful cunt serves no purpose, because it really does! Love is in need of HATE today!

Most of us can agree that last night's Oscars made us loooooong looong loong for the days of David Letterman and his stupid dog tricks. A Golden Retriever twirling around the stage on two feet while wearing a Black Swan costume would've been a million times more entertaining than the rusty bubble of shit that Oscar farted out last night. Don't get me wrong, it had its moments including: Kirk Douglas' glorious verbal crash into a wall of WTF (get it here), James Franco's nalgas waving "goodbye to us" in the stupid Black Swan sketch (fap at the GIF above), Melissa Leo's F-bomb (more on that later) and the children of the 80s freaking out over Corey Haim getting shut out of the In Memoriam. Corey probably sent a white dove down with the message "I'm good" after he found out the greatest singuh in daaaa world would be singing "Smile" during it.

But about the hosts... Anne Hathaway is that annoying girl in drama class who takes the "invisible ball" exercise way too seriously, calls the theater teacher by their first name, chants "UN-IQUE NEW YORK" in the hallways and cries when you say that you thought Mary Poppins was dumb and boring. Anne is like Lea Michele's Glee character on Dexatrim and uppers that give you a manufactured form of peppiness. Annoying as fuck, but at least the ho tried. James Franco on the other hand....

James punched out his invisible time card about 20 minutes after the show began. I understand that James was beyond over it. But he could've freebased some of that Charlie Sheen drug backstage, jumped off the script and blurted out his own shit. James is this generation's (fill in the name of every literary legend here) so he has it in him (or not). But instead, James mumbled out whatever was written on the teleprompter while his sad eyes stayed sad. Bitch was like a junkie reading out the rules of rehab on his first day of treatment. James can't always rely on his ass cheeks to entertain. Did I just type that out loud?

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that the "Bring Back Rob Lowe & Snow White" campaign starts now.

As for James Franco's flat-chested Marilyn Monroe drag, I give it 5 out of 5 Sashay Aways.

Vanity Fair's (emphasis on the "Fair") annual Hollywood Issue is a gallery of "clutch your Tampax pearls" surprises! There's ACTUALLY one and a half black people on the cover (Hey, it's better than VF's "Hungry White Girls Cover" of last year)! There's Rashida Jones randomly bottle feeding a baby tiger! There's a Robert Duvall photo bomb! And there's the TV Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, who'd be half-nekkid if it wasn't for those extra thick suspenders.

Did the baby tiger eat most of her dress? Did Jesse Eisenberg's sexyface rip half of that ho's dress right off? Olivia is a position switch away from giving Anthony Mackie an eye full of Tron nipple. Screw the Hollywood Issue, thanks to Olivia's "sneeze and my titty pokes out" dress, this is the ELEGANCE ISSUE!

Vanity Fair says this cover was inspired by 1930s Shanghai. You know, 1930s Shanghai without Asians. We must've been hung over and dozed off in history class when the teacher said that Chinese people didn't move to Shanghai until AT LEAST the 1940s. But really, how the hell can you do 1930s Shanghai without the mascots of 1930s Shanghai. Let me fix that for Vanity Fair:

Much better.

Anyway, here's the full cover along with a few behind-the-scenes pictures. Hos on the cover from left to right: Ryan Reynolds, Jakey, Anne Hathaway, James Franco, Ivanka Trump Jennifer Lawrence, Anthony Mackie, Olivia Wilde, Jesse Eisenberg, Mila Kunis, Robert Duvall, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Andrew Garfield, Rashida Jones, Garrett GimmeHedlund and Noomi Rapace.

Anne Hathaway is the next Catwoman and this ho showed up to an event for her new movie Rio dressed like a damn cat toy. The top part of Anne's outfit says "9-year-old know-it-all circa 1987" and the bottom part says "mariachi clown." Just no. The only way this outfit would work outside of a little girl's slumber party is if it was dyed pink and put on the body of Charo. That's it. However, I will say that I like Anne's necklace. It looks like all the things you'd find inside of Tommy Girl's favorite fuck toy drawer. Butt beads, travel-sized dildos, etc.... Yup, the necklace can stay!

Here's more of Anne wearing the finest clothes from Gymboree's black label collection with George Lopez and Jamie Foxx (whose hairline is almost as well manicured as Norwood Young's).

Jocelyn Wildenstein and Sean Young are both feeling all kinds of vulnerable right now, because they were just robbed by Christopher Nolan! Warner Bros. and Christopher Nolan announced today that Anne Hathaway will play Selina Kyle/Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises. Michelle Pfeiffer just got into Eartha Kitt's grave and they rolled together. And their bruises from seeing Halle Berry's Catwoman were just starting to fully heal.

It was also announced that Tom Hardy will play Bane. The press release from Deadline:

Warner Bros. Pictures announced today that Anne Hathaway has been cast as Selina Kyle in Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight Rises.” She will be starring alongside Christian Bale, who returns in the title role of Bruce Wayne/Batman.
Christopher Nolan stated, “I am thrilled to have the opportunity to work with Anne Hathaway, who will be a fantastic addition to our ensemble as we complete our story.”

In addition, Tom Hardy has been set to play Bane. Nolan said, “I am delighted to be working with Tom again and excited to watch him bring to life our new interpretation of one of Batman’s most formidable enemies.”

Nolan will direct the film from a screenplay he wrote with Jonathan Nolan, from a story by Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer. Nolan will also produce the film with his longtime producing partner, Emma Thomas, and Charles Roven.
“The Dark Knight Rises” is slated for release on July 20, 2012. The film will be distributed worldwide by Warner Bros. Pictures, a Warner Bros. Entertainment Company.

But but but Anne Hathaway's face was born to play THE JOKER (or at least Harley Quinn), not Catwoman. You know, I didn't fully understand it when Heath Ledger was cast as The Joker, so I will save my shade until this mess comes out. I will use that energy on weeping for Sean Young who continues to lose out on the role of her acid dreams.

Because I need to document every single time Jakey Gyllenhaal and his cuddle partner Taylor Swift order coffee, here they are having a cup at Frothy Monkey in Nashville, TN this morning. You know, after spending most of their night reading fairy tales in silly cat voices and gorging on whoopie pies they made in her Easy Bake Oven, they love nothing more to roll out of her princess canopy bed and talk in depth about their favorite cartoon dog characters over a cup of coffee. Or should I say, Taylor yaps about her favorite dog cartoon characters while Jakey giggles to himself about the name "Frothy Monkey." Yes, Jakey, you're not the only one who thinks it sounds like a dude's nickname for his leaky dick.

And since we're here talking about Jake, somebody used the FACE/OFF Photoshop tool on his EW cover with Anne Hathaway:

I still would, the both of 'em.

via TMZ & TDW