Les Misérables doesn't come out until Christmastimes, but Universal is giving the hungry theater queens a quick Q-Tip tap in the form of this first trailer. In the trailer, Anne Hathaway coughs out a few slightly weak musical notes before we see a raggedy Hugh Jacksmen (who still looks cleaner than Brad Pitt) as the bread stealer, Russell Crowe as Javert, Amanda Seyfried as Cosette, Eddie Redmayne as Marius and Samantha Barks as Eponine. You know, I used to be one of those hating bitches who felt like the ghost of Donny Hathaway would make a better Fantine than Anne Hathaway, but this trailer has sort of changed my mind. Bitch isn't supposed to sound all polished and pretty. Bitch sold her hair and is wearing fingerless gloves. You would cry through the musical notes too if you looked like a Brooklyn hipster going to a backyard barbecue. Bitch is dreaming of a shower and a gift certificate to Supercuts so she can fix that busted, jagged ass haircut. It's a tragic story.
That being said, I still wished this movie starred Susan Boyle as Fantine, a bunch of stray cats as the other roles and Epponnee-Rae from Kath & Kim as Eponine.
Well, now I know what I would look like if I changed my ethnicity, flat ironed my hair with two steam irons, used a teeth pump to grow my teefs, bleached my skin and somehow found a way to move the chunks of lard in my gut up into my titty area. Thanks for that, Anne Hathaway!
With her skin covered in SPF: Anti-Tan Mom, Anne frolicked and dipped into the ocean in Miami with some of her friends including polo player Nacho Figueras. As some of your asses know, Anne has a good reason for why her hair looks like it was cut by a 95-year-old blind paraplegic man with blunt knives tied to the stumps where his hands used to be. Bitch did it for that Les Miserable movie. So because Anne will probably win an OSCAH! (or at least a Razzie), I won't totally shade her for looking like a 19th century street urchin boy who singed his hair off while roasting rats on a trash can grill. It's very "please, sir, can I want some more" glamour.
The record for the most nerdjizz loads to hit the ceiling at the same time was broken last night when the newest trailer for The Dark Knight Rises (Yes, I think of a bat boner every time I read that title) was released (Yes, I think of Batman shooting out a bat signal made of bat chowder every time I read "Dark Knight released"). What I got from the trailer is that Bane gets a vocal cord transplant with Liam Neeson and when he's done blowing up New Gotham York City and shit, he should read classic English novels on tape or narrate the next Planet Earth series. His voice is like English Breakfast for my ears. I'm also trying to get into Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, but the husky voice she's putting on makes her sound like she's got a hairball stuck in her froat and she's about as mysterious as a Scooby Doo episode.
And you know, more people should say, "There's a storm coming" at the beginning of trailers, because that's not done enough. I would be so pissed if someone told me there was a storm coming and they really meant it as a metaphor. If some ho told me a storm was a coming, I'd go out and buy yet another piece of shit bodega umbrella thinking that it's going to rain when what she really is meant that a bunch of comic book villains are coming to burn our city down. Bitch, just say we're all going to die. Now is not the time for your poetic metaphors and yes, you will reimburse me for that bodega umbrella.
Warner Bros. just released this Hi-Res really long (it's seriously the 12-inch-long pencil peen of promo pictures) picture of Anne Hathaway in full Julie Newmar as Catwoman drag and survey says: MEH-ow! Maybe Anne will prove me wrong when The Dark Knight Gets An Erection comes out whenever it comes out, but so far all these pictures have been bleak. I don't see Catwoman at all. I see a sorority sister at a Halloween party throwing her best "get the Q-Tip" look in the kitchen doorway before going to suck on a beer bong. This is like a picture your old high school friend posts on her Facebook page and you try to come up with something nice to say but the only thing you can type out is: Bitch, you TRIED it.
If Anne Hathaway doesn't hear her name after the words "...and the Oscar goes to" at the Academy Awards next year, she's going to snatch away fellow nominee (for Nurse 3D, obviously) Spaz de la Huerta's flask, soak the aisles with booze, pull a spark-inducing ginger hair out of seat filler Phoebe Price's head, drop it to the ground and burn that bitch down! Because Anne Hathaway is working hard to get her hands around that gold-plated dildo man and hos better recognize.
Anne is already eating nothing but dry apple seeds and filtered wind to look like a frail, sick, pussy peddler and now she's taken a pair of scissors to her luscious mane of brown locks. Looking about as embarrassed as me when I downloaded One Direction's album on Sunday morning, Anne left The Box (too easy) in London on Sunday morning with her hands covering her new Winona haircut. Anne chopped her hair off, because the character she plays in the Les Miserables movie sells her hair to Mama Tina Knowles to buy medicine or some shit.
Anne did it for a role, so I can't fault her ass for that mess of a haircut. There's short haircuts and then there's haircuts a mom frantically gives her 6-year-old son after he comes home from school with a new case of lice. (Seriously, my little cousin once showed up to a family party with a nearly bald head and was like, "My mom gave me an army cut!" No, bitch, your mom gave you a 'this little brat got lice and I'm too cheap to buy RID' cut.) Anne's haircut falls into the latter category.
When Anne is done with Les Miz, she can easily star in Press Play on iTunes: The Samantha Ronson Story.
When Les Misérables the movie comes later this year and your soul really feels warmly touched by the intensely raw emotions coming off of Anne Hathaway, just know that her face isn't straining because death is slowly taking her as she worries about the future of her child. It's because the bitch is damn hongray! Bitch is a dreaming a dream that involves candy bars, a long five-course dinner at Outback and 7 minutes in Jessica Simpson's pantry.
The Mirror says that the powers-that-be told Anne Hathaway they need her to get down to Taylor Armstrong levels of malnourishment to pull off her (SPOILER ALERT) death bed scenes. Anne has only 20 days to lose a total of 16 pounds, taking her from a size 6 to a size 2. Every day, Anne wakes up, asks herself "WWLRE (What would LeAnn Rimes Eat?)" and nibbles on a couple of apples and a protein shake. Anne is working with a doctor who is monitoring her 500 calories-a-day diet. The source explains, “Anne is playing a destitute factory worker-come-lady of the night. Unfortunately, she only has 15 to 20 days to lose as much weight as possible – up to a stone-and-a-half – because she’s been filming the scenes showing her fit and healthy, almost slightly chubby. It’s not ideal but, as with any high-budget movie, there are strict time constraints. Anne knows the risk of such an extreme diet and will undergo weekly medicals to make sure everything is still functioning as it should do.”
I'm pretty sure that I put 500 calories in my body just from gargling with bubble gum-flavored Act mouthwash (FOR KIDS!), so if I wanted to lose 16 pounds, I'd have to pull a Tami Roman by wiring my jaw shut and finding a way to belt those songs without opening my mouth. But we shouldn't feel sorry for Anne. Anne is getting paid millions of dollars to eat like a Posh for a couple of measly weeks. Insert starvingchildrenoftheworldnotamused.jpeg here.
The Dark Knight Gets A Boner trailer played before the IMAX showings of Mission Impossible 4 this weekend and so dozens of busted and grainy bootleg copies made their way onto the Internet. Some of those bootlegs were so damn bad they looked like they were shot during an earthquake on 8MM by a junkie with the heroin shakes. Well, Warner Bros. finally got their shit together and released the full trailer today. You can put down your flaming pitchforks of outrage, because there's no Catwoman in this trailer. But there is a masquerade ball scene that I do not appreciate....
Remember in Batman Returns when that hot bitch Michelle Pfeiffer glamorously lets her sanity unravel in front of Michael Keaton while she sticks him in the side with her gun at the masquerade ball? There's a scene like that in this trailer, but instead of Anne Hathaway bringing out the insane glamour, she whispers about some 99% shit. Bitch is going on about how the rich are going to get theirs. The hell? Bitch, grab your whip and start purring and whippin' at hos. OCCUPY GLAMOUR, not WALL STREET. Oh, Michelle Pfeiffer, please deliver us from this.
And that Bane trick needs to do more "red leather, yellow leather" exercises, because I can't even pretend to know what he's saying.
Anne Hathaway just won't let those "Anne Hathaway is a big ole' lez" rumors be great, because she is now wearing a promise to get hitched ring given to her by a dude who looks like Alice the Goon in disguise as Ryan Gosling. Anne's rep confirms to People that her 30-year-old boyfriend of 3 years Adam Shulman got down on one knee, gazed deeply into her TEEFS (since there's really nowhere else for your eyes to go) and asked her to marry his ass. Her rep also said that Adam, who is an actor/jooree designer (HA!), helped to design her engagement ring (click here to see it if you care).
Anne and Adam started bumping teeth three years ago right after she broke up with the Italian fiancé who claimed to be the CEO of the Vatican in order to swindle investors out of millions of dollars. Anne pretty much only started dating Adam so he could hump the memory of Raffy from her brain, but then she fell in love or something. Anne said this about Adam a few months ago, "I am very much in love with him, [only] Adam totally ruined my plan. I was really actually looking forward to a little alone time, and then I fell in love like a fool!"
You know, Anne's bright white Chiclets are looking extra swole in that picture, which could only mean one thing: the ho is knocked up! (Just go with me on this, you'll thank me later). This means that Anne is in no condition to finishing shooting that Batman shit, which means her role will have to be completely reshot, which means Julie Newmar will have to be brought in since she knows the role. We've been saved from Anne's Catwoman! Our nightmare is over. We can thank Adam for that. Adam may look like a creeper whose eyes are so beady from squinting through a tiny hole in a public bathroom to watch ladies pee, but he's our savior!
Looking like any random sorority girl going to a Halloween party in a DIY Catwoman costume she made in 10 minutes using a cat ear headband from Claire's, a Zorro mask from Ricky's, her auntie's old Wilson's Leather jumpsuit and pleather boots she bought at DSW, Anne Hathaway made the alley pussies purr out a "meh" when she hit the set of The Dark Knight Rises with Christian Bale and Gary Oldman in Downtown L.A. yesterday. If you've got a cat in heat that is keeping you up with her midnight calls for pussy dick, don't reach for the Q-tip, just show her these pictures instead. Bitch's pussy will go from hot to cold in zero seconds. This is the opposite of cat scratch fever.
We've only seen pictures of Anne in Selina Kyle drag, so I know it's unfair of me to say that her Catwoman will be about as sexy as the sight of my dog nibbling on a litter box cat cookie (Note to scat-loving zoophiles: that comment does not apply to you), but have I ever been fair? I mean, if this bitch came at you in a dark alley, the first thing you'd say would be: "Why is Batgirl meowing?"
I know Christopher Nolan is going for a Julie Newmar look, but I've always been told that when you want a Julie Newmar look, you should just get Julie Fucking Newmar herself. Even Batman can't take this sad mess seriously.
The entire soul of the Internet dropped lower than the DOW late last night when Warner Bros. pushed out the first picture of Anne Hathaway as "Selina Kyle" from The Dark Knight Rises. If you told me that Anne was chasing a dog with Ricky Gervais voice and Joel McHale, I wouldn't accuse you of lie telling, because this shit looks straight out of Spy Kids 4. This shit looks like it belongs on LOLCats.
You know, when they first announced Anne as Catwoman (or as "Selina Kyle" as they keep calling her ass), I thought it was a little ironic that they'd cast a chick who looks like a lab mouse that got injected with the blood of Cesar Romero, but I told myself that Christopher Nolan knows what he's doing (But probably not. I mean, casting Katie Holmes AND Maggie Gyllenhaal?). I'm going to file my rage away until the first picture of Anne in her full Catwoman drag comes out, because this cannot be it. This is just Selina Kyle driving to Radio Shack to buy a new charger for her Bluetooth eye set. In the meantime.....
We must NEVER forget this:
We must also NEVER forget this:
And we must NEVER forget to completely forget this: