American Idol

Pretty much every single performer at the Macy's Skanksgiving Day Parade moves their mouths to a pre-recordered track, because of sound issues or some shit like that. So it's sort of like an unofficial competition to see who can successfully LIP SYNCH FOR THEIR LIFE!!! and who lip-synchs as good as a walrus' asshole. Scotty McCreery, the Howdy Doody fetus with a Stetson Man voice who won American Idol last season, threw himself into the latter category yesterday when his moving lips lagged 3 seconds behind his singing voice. (Yes, THIS is news.) You know, I watched some of Brit Brit's Femme Fatale Tour on HBO yesterday (blame the 6,000 calorie meal that put me into a body coma and made it impossible for me to even raise my hand to change the channel) and Scotty makes her look like the grand champion of Puttin' On The Hits. That's saying a lot. So at least his ass accomplished that.

via HuffPo

You know how I said that Scotty McCreepyeyes shouldn't have won American Idol? I take it back. If Scotty didn't win, then his #1 fan would've never nearly tore her mom jeans in half from freaking out over his win. Claymates better step it up, because this woman's about to lead the McCreerians revolution. TO AT&T!

The best part is at the end when the dog is like, "Peace out, bitch. I can't with this anymore," before he makes his way outside to a waiting cab that's taking him to the bus station.

via Buzzfeed

At the American Idol finale last night, Glamberace showed us what would it look like if Snow Miser sat hard on Heat Miser's head and turned his flaming torch of follicles into a pile of ashes just itching for a phoenix (or whatever bird is available) to rise from it. If my abuelita saw this, she'd throw a plastic garbage bag over Glamberace's hair and then toss it with the others in the backyard.

My abuelita was a hoarder decades before Hoarders existed. She used to keep bags of fireplace ash in the backyard for reasons unknown. Maybe she thought if she mixed the ashes with a little water she could use it paint her hair roots black. Or maybe she figured that if we ever acted the fool in the backyard, she'd have something heavy to hit us with. Thankfully, I was never hit with a bag of fireplace ash.

Here's more of Glamberace with his tiny boyfriend Sauli Koskinen (or is it, Giant Glamberace with his normal-sized boyfriend) last night.

I've said this before, but without Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul, I just couldn't get into this season of American Idol. I'm being generous when I say that I probably watched an hour of the entire season. But I did watch last 30 minutes of last night's finale and went through the pictures from that mess this morning. And after doing this, my question is: What is wrong with this country?! Why didn't Naima Adedapo wrap that shit up last night? Who could deny a vote to an alien who looks like she plays the role of Claudette Wells in the reboot of Square Pegs that only shows in Venus? This is a travesty! I have no idea if her singing voice sounds like a deaf hyena getting choked out while trying to make a pigeon call, but American Idol hasn't been a singing competition for a long ass time. It's a really a competition to see whose family members can put together the largest speed-dialing calling center.

Seriously, it seems like whenever they go to the contestant's hometowns, they always show their friends and family DIALING FOR THEIR LIVES in some restaurant that has been turned into campaign headquarters. American Idol should only count votes from rotary telephones, because people should have to work for that shit. I want to see somebody's grandma flip the hell out every time she dialed the wrong number and had to start again.

Anyway, Scotty McCreery won American Idol last night. If you ask me, the only competition he should've won is America's Next Top Mad Magazine Cover Model. Yes, I watched him sing a bit, and nope, didn't do it for me. In fact, he McCreeped me out a bit.

Scotty looks about 30 seconds out of the womb and he has the voice of A MAN! There's a reason why balls don't drop during infancy. It's so that your baby doesn't sound like Barry White. But that's just me hating again. I'm sure Scotty McCreery will have a career as big as the last ho who won American Idol. Whoever that is.

Here's a few pictures from last night's finale. The theme of the night was obviously: LOOK A MESS! In order: my beauty icon, Scotty with the second place girl, JLo's bedazzled vag, Broke Lewis, Carrie Underwood, David Archuleta, Jack Black, Janice Dickinson, Lil Jon, Aunt Becky, Randy Jackson and Tim McGraw (I so would).

On last night's American Idol, Casey Abrams, a freakishly tall Hobbit who was forced to flee Middle-earth after finding out that his true father is Hagrid from Harry Potter, ended his performance of Maroon 5's "Harder to Breathe" by getting in JLo's face and launching a kiss onto her cheek. Maybe I've seen too many novellas and basic cable movies about stalkers, but when a man gets in your face like that for an extended period of time it's usually because he wants to tell you that he's about to murder your entire family. Or he wants to tell you that he knows what you did and you better meet him upstairs in his bedroom before he places a call to the sheriff. Unless that's the effect Casey was going for, his timing sucked.

It was extra creepy that Casey kept singing "it's getting hard and harder to breeeeathe" while making it harder and harder for JLo to breathe since he was blocking her air space. See? This is a direct threat and the Middle-earth authorities should be contacted right away.

via HuffPo

On last night's American Idol, the judges had to take Chris Medina's dreams, gently place them on the floor and use JLo's double mortar ass to grind them into a fine powder that the producers slathered on Gaycrest's highlights to keep his shit shiny. This was especially hard for JLo to do, because her heart wept when met Chris' wheelchair-bound wife (who suffers from a brain injury) during auditions. After JLo gently told Chris that he will not get the chance to butcher an American classic with the Top 24 in the finals, Chris thanked the judges and graciously left the room. JLo, however, turned that shit on like a casting director was in the room and the bill from her jeweler was due!

JLo broke down the way most of us did after the credits from Gigli came up and we realized what we just spent on our time on. JLo thought about the time she caught a glimpse of Skeletor's naked body under full sunlight and she started to cry as Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson consoled her. JLo was worried that she didn't use the right words and was upset that the hammer of rejection that broke Chris' heart was in her hand. MAKING IT ABOUT YOU: JLo is doing it right!

Once JLo wiped the crocotears from her cheek with a cashmere tissue, she got into her chauffeur-driven Maybach and went back to her $50 million mansion where she slipped on her pajama diamonds and continued her cry fest on a silk pillow stuffed with swan feathers. Meanwhile, Chris got in a shuttle that took him back to his economy room at the Ramada where he got on the phone to tell his family that the chick from Anaconda ate his DREAMS! But POOR YOU, JLo!

Yeah, I know some of you are saying, "But Michael, JLo has the heart of Mother Theresa and when you cry, she cries." "But Michael, JLo is as genuine as the diamonds she wears when she takes a bubble bath in Volvic." "But Michael, JLo means it, but Paula Abdul never did." To which I say, NEVAH! While JLo's manufactured sadness came from a jar of Creme de la Tears, Paula's tears were always real! Yes, Paula's tears were a side effect from injecting morphine directly into her eyelid veins, but they were still real!

via HuffPo

David Archuleta, the 19-year-old Monchhichi fetus who almost won American Idol, tells Singapore's XIN MSN that he's never ever been kissed on the mouth. Two things. #1: Maybe he's never had the chance to put his mouth on another because his creepy father is always stuck on him like crabs on a Hilton. #2: Maybe he subscribes to Vivian Ward's rule that you can do everything but kiss on the mouth. You know, maybe he's a major pig slut who has done everything from scrambling internal organs with a dildo to shit that involves shaved gerbils slathered in generic Crisco (don't visualize those things or the Monchhichi Protective Services might knock on your door). Who knows, but I do know that Michael Vartan needs to get on the case!

via Wow Report

David Archuleta, the always out of breath overgrown fetus from American Idol, was on The Wendy Williams show today and he made the mistake many of us have made a dozen times before: he thought Steven Tyler was a beautiful lady with luscious hair and succulent lips. David tried to play that shit off even though Wendy called him out on it.

And you know Wendy was thinking to herself that she wishes she had Steven Tyler's problems. Why doesn't anybody ever mistake her for a woman?!

via ONTD

The worst kept secret since John Travolta's love for sweaty man taint was confirmed to be true by FOX today. Steven Tyler, JLo and Randy Jackson will be the judges for American Idol's LAST 10th season. Oh, remember the glory days when our brains would deflate from trying to make sense of Paula Abdul's incoherent ramblings...and now it's come to this! JLO and Steven Tyler?

Steven Tyler better feed on the blood of a virgin contestant and JLo better break a stool (you decide what kind of stool) with her double down ass to keep us entertained.

But importantly, what in awkward crotch hell did JLo wear to the press conference today? Not even the gayest baby inmate at the gayest baby prison would wear that glittery disaster called a onesie. A chorus line of slits on your front is not the look. We already know where your vagina is, JLo. You don't need to advertise it with a giant V.

This is going to be a looooong season.

Ellen Degeneres is following Simon Cowell and his delectable fur titties through the exit door and will not return to American Idol next season. That means Ryan Gaycrest will be the lone beautiful blonde lesbian in the building. Ellen explained it like this on her site:

A couple months ago, I let FOX and the "American Idol" producers know that this didn't feel like the right fit for me. I told them I wouldn't leave them in a bind and that I would hold off on doing anything until they were able to figure out where they wanted to take the panel next. It was a difficult decision to make, but my work schedule became more than I bargained for. I also realized this season that while I love discovering, supporting and nurturing young talent, it was hard for me to judge people and sometimes hurt their feelings. I loved the experience working on "Idol" and I am very grateful for the year I had. I am a huge fan of the show and will continue to be.

Now if the producers will just lure Paula Abdul back with the promise of installing a Vicodin vending machine in her dressing room. Specifically, an easy to use Vicodin vending machine since Paula can't even use a Pez dispenser without calling the Geek Squad. Actually, fuck American Idol. Fox should just produce a reality show about Paula Abdul trying to figure out how to work a vending machine.