American Idol

When I first heard that Ellen Degeneres was going to replace our favorite loopy pill popper on American Idol, I immediately said a small prayer for Paul's medicine cabinet, because I knew it was going to get messed up majorly during her meltdown. If Paula did freak out like Wino during a full moon, then she quickly brushed the Vicodin dust off of her, downed a Red Bull and pulled it together long enough to issue this statement about being replaced:

"American Idol is a fantastic show that offers an invaluable platform to young talent. Ellen DeGeneres is wildly funny and talented in her own right. I wish her and the show only the best of luck."

If only statements came in 3D. This one would be filled with side-eyes, stumbles, slurring, middle fingers and spitting. Paula is probably just playing nice to throw producers off into thinking she's going to behave. That way it will be easy for her to hide between Simon Cowell's fur titties before the season premiere and pop out when they all least expect it! You can't keep a crazy down. Ever!

VIA E!

What in the huh in the what in the fuck?! The producers of American Idol must have found the emergency stash Paula Abdul left behind in her dressing room and had themselves a major party where they somehow came up with the idea to cast Ellen Degeneres as the fourth judge! I mean, this is some shit you come up with when you're riding high on the bad shit! And no, September 9th is not the new April 1st.

Ellen and Fox both announced tonight that she will replace Paula Abdul starting this season. Ellen said this:

"I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote. Hopefully I'm the people's point of view because I'm just like you. I sit at home and I watch it. … I'm not looking at it in a critical way from the producer's mind. I'm looking at it as a person who is going to buy the music and is going to relate to that person. I'm going to have a day job and a night job. The times we're living in ... we're all doing that."

I just hope that either Ellen or Ryan Gaycrest dye their hair another color, because we are going to have a bitch of a time trying to figure out who is who!

You just know the big stack of money Fox handed over to Ellen is ten times bigger than the one they offered to Paula. Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said that. Now Paula is really going to have the meltdown of all meltdowns. All pharmacies, back alley dealers and medicine cabinets should immediately go on HIGH ALERT! Paula Abdul will be on the loose tonight!

And for those of you wondering if Ellen Degeneres has any singing experience, I present this to you:

Posh Beckham got out of her spaceship in Boston today to sit in as the guest judge on American Idol for callbacks. Posh's spokeswhore said that she has no plans to become the permanent fourth judge. However, it does look like she has plans to scare the fuck out of whoever walks through those doors to audition. Those poor bitches are going to think they either walked into a Scientology meeting or some kind of alien sacrifice ritual (same thing, right?). Posh could've eased up on the make-up. Or at least caked on some prosthetics so she looks less praying mantis-like.

Although, my childhood does applaud Posh for wearing a lace headband. Oh, it brings back fond memories of when I used to steal my sister's neon lace headbands and wear them while dancing around in the comfort of my room. So thanks for that, I guess....

Here's more of Posh looking like she'll beat you with a wire hanger if you don't finish your liver dinner while arriving at callbacks today. I also threw in a couple of pictures of Kara DioPLEASELEAVEUSALONE looking annoying as usual. Will Posh just eat her soul already? Oh yeah, what soul.

Posh's bony ass blew into Denver yesterday on a paper airplane to sit in as the guest judge on American Idol next to Hackey McClutchJaw and Simon "The Titty" Cowell. According to Radar, not everyone was clapping with their labia lips when they saw Posh. Some contestants were disappointed that Paula wasn't there. Obviously, these contestants don't go on the internet, watch TV, listen to radio, talk to other people or read the "breaking news" section of their PharmRep Magazine, because every bitch knew Paula wasn't going to be there.

Some source-type (aka Paula's day-shift dealer) added, "It didn't go too well. She tried to hard to be 'nice,' but came off as icy and wooden."

If they expected Posh to be crying, then they need to quit sniffing Paula's homemade paste and come back down to Earth. Posh can't cry, because if she sheds one liquid tear, she will immediately dehydrate and turn into a lump of bone dust. And we already know she's as icy as Nicole Kidman's bare clit in a snowstorm. We know this and would expect nothing less.

I shall end this post with some pictures of our Vicodin Viking rising from the ashes by greeting her public at Burbank Airport yesterday. If that Officer Pepaw only knew what was in her bag....

After reading about the sadness that is Sam the koala's death (see below), we all could use a laugh. So here's one: Posh Beckham is going to be a guest judge on American Idol. You know, that singing competition. Yes, Posh is actually going to judge people's singing abilities. I'm not saying that Paula Abdul was Pavarotti, but DAMN TO THE FUCK! I mean, this isn't America's Next Mayjah Non-Food-Eater or America's Next Mayjah Non-Smiler. Although, both of those would be good shows.

Posh's spokeswhore tells SkyNews that this is just going to be a one night stand. Posh isn't about to replace our very little crazy pillhead. Besides, Posh is too busy working on her fashion line and walking through airports in ankle-killing heels. Seriously, she's always walking through airports.

Okay, Posh on Idol could be entertaining if her critiques are something along the line of this: (picture her saying this to a girl who weighs less than a lima bean) "You know, your voice could be mayjah if you weren't SO FUCKING FAT."

In other news, Michael Vick has just been announced as a permanent judge on Groomer Has It!

TMZ is saying that when Paula Abdul announced on her Twatter that she is not returning to American Idol next season, she was basically handing in her resignation. The producers still thought they were in negotiations with Vicodin's forever girl. Basically, Paula quit a job via Twitter. The internet has gone too far.

Apparently, Paula, who made around $2 million last season, asked for a 500% raise. Paula didn't feel loved by the producers when she read that Gaycrest was getting $45 million for 3 years and Simon was getting $100 million per year. When she asked for $20 million, the producers laughed until they queefed and then countered with $10 million. Instead of countering back, Paula decided to Tweet her farewell and the producers took that as her official bow. A couple of hours later, they issued a statement confirming that the crazy has left the building for good. And this morning, the stock for Vicodin hit the sky, because everyone knew where Paula was heading....

This is not the end of Paula on American Idol! I can't wait to see the look on those whore's faces when Paula comes skipping into auditions disguised as a 14-year-old girl named "Skaterina Kat" wearing her outfit from Junior High School: THE MOVIE. We're goooona have a paaaartaaaaaaay!

Oh, Paula, you'll always have the golden ticket (aka a blank prescription pad) to my HEART!

Image VIA Woman's Day

"Where is God when you need him, because this does not make sense." - Paula Abdul

Quick! Fill the bath tub with Paula Abdul's CODE BLUE cocktail (everything in the medicine cabinet and Diet Pepsi), because my world has just shattered! Paula Abdul announced on her Twatter that American Idol will lose its brightest (aka craziest) star. These are the tearful words Paula wrote:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month.

American Idol, we're fucking done professionally! How dare they kick Paula to the gutter (where she will probably find a few lude pills - SCORE FOR HER), but keep that useless flap of skin Kara DioYOUKILLEDPAULA! SCRAGS BITCHES! This is a travesty! And where was Simon in all of this?! While he was soaking his tittays in a bowl of cocoa butter, Paula was getting pink-slipped! All he had to do was give up his tight t-shirt budget, so they could give Paula a few more coins. Damn all of them!

It's like I'm blowin' morphine-covered kisses in the wind and Paula isn't there to catch them anymore. Sads.

There's really something wrong with us as a civilization when a Vicodin-covered diamond like Paula Abdul can't get what she wants from American Idol producers, but Kara DioGagMeRoughly can. E!'s Marc Malkin has confirmed that Kara will reprise her role as "the useless one" on American Idol. A source said, "Her deal is done. There are no ifs, ands or buts. Done. She will be back."

Apparently, Kara's new paycheck doesn't have nearly as many zeros as the other judge's checks. If you ask me, if you paid her ass with Randy Jackson's old back fat skin, one of Simon's titty milk-stained t-shirts and one session with Ryan Gaycrest's ass hair plucker, it would still be too much.

Tivo needs to come out with a new BLOCK KARA'S WONKED UP JAW feature. Whenever Kara tries to unlock her jaw to talk, Keyboard Cat can step in to save us from fucking our ears with hot knives.

Alexis Cohen aka Glitter Girl was hit by a car and killed early Saturday morning in Seaside Heights, NJ. She was only 25. The police say they are treating her death as a homicide and currently looking for the hit-and-run driver.

Alexis first auditioned for American Idol during season 7. The judges didn't give her a golden ticket which caused her to launch into a rant where she told Simon Cowell to fuck off and said she was going to pursue actressing (!!!!).

Alexis cleaned up her look and auditioned again the next season, but she was also rejected. And she once again, delivered a giant F U to Simon.

I'd like to think that Alexis is sitting up in heaven, still flipping Simon off.

The callback auditions for American Idol start on August 6th and Paula Abdul might be missing from the judges table! This time, the reason for Paula's absence will not be because she's passed out face-first in the toilet in the ladies room No. Paula might not be there, because the hos in charge of Idol have yet to send her a proposal for a new contract.

Fur Tittays Cowell just signed a new contract for around $100 million, but the producers have forgotten all about the little crazy who can.

Paula's manager told The Los Angeles Times, "Very sadly, it does not appear that she's going to be back on Idol. I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful. I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven’t stepped up and said what they want to do. She’s not a happy camper as a result of what’s going on. She’s hurt. She’s angry. I think at this point we’re going to be considering everything, including some kind of a competition show. She has tremendous ideas for a whole variety of shows."

The word "hurtful" doesn't even begin to describe the atrocities the producers are putting Paula through! I might have to down a few cups of Paula's "weekend brew" (made with Darvocet dust, Diet Mountain Dew, dextromethorphan oil, fermented peaches and a drop of Simon's nipple nectar, ) just to deal with this awful news. If you can't get a hold of Simon's nipple nectar (Gaycrest, you are excused from this conversation), you can use garter snake saliva instead. But I digress.....

Paula is the Krazy Glue that holds the show together! I mean, you can replace Randy with one of the Budweiser Frogs and Kara DioJUSTSTOPALREADY with Jigsaw from Saw, but Paula is irreplaceable!

I use this quote from Paula often, but this time it really rings true: "I scratch my head and I wonder, 'Where is god when you need him?,' because this does not make sense!"