American Idol

Whose dreams have been crushed, killed and buried tonight? Find out after the jump. JUMP!!!

Paula Abdul never lets me down. She was so mild and calm during last night's episode and then suddenly right after Glamberace's second performance, she dropped a beautiful morphine-laced jewel in all our laps. The lidocaine she injected into her eyeball during the commercial break must have kicked in. NO, I didn't say that! It's just her natural craziness. The completely sober Paula said, "You've set the bar so high in the sky! I hope you're collecting frequent flier miles. You will be flying for free everywhere." Honey, you're the only one flying high in that room and that's why my no-heart thumps for you. Paula then twitched a little and looked like a homeless crazy junkie trying to flick off the invisible fleas that the government planted there to read her thoughts. I love her so.

As for the performances, does Kris Allen really have to go? Just when I was getting used to his seizure mouth, he's going to slide away. Even if he got all nakies and his peen sang "America the Beautiful" in perfect pitch, it still wouldn't be enough. And that's gross, because his version of Kanye West's "Heartless" was thee best of the evening. I didn't fart once during it and that's a compliment. I've been waiting for Gay Fish to pop the CAPS-KEY and proclaim, "THIS IS A FUCKING FARCE!!!1!!! BITCH, BOGUS!", but he probably didn't watch, because he's too busy creating high art for the world to ponder.

Kris doing Kanye made up for his microwaved squash version of "Apologize" which obviously needed more Felix Cane. I blame Kara for this, because she sucks at everything. She sucks at moving her jaw correctly and she sucks at picking songs for dreamboats.

Before I went to bed, I prayed to The Empress of Lucite to please bring the machete down on Danny Chokey's head! I am so sick of his FACE and his dyke-approved glasses. And that caca-eating grin. Ugh. I just want to cover him in baby wipes and throw a diaper over his mouth. Both of his performances last night she could have come complete with a tub of piping hot Purell, because that shit made me feel like all filthy-like (and not in a good way). Chokey is just so damn slimy with the way he slithers around the stage and tries to manipulate us. His performance of "You Are So Beautiful To Me" was like getting a Hallmark card filled with butt jelly. Yeah, I guess can he sing alright, but I'd rather get ear fucked by a porcupine than have to listen to him again.

Now on to the big queen of the hour... No, not Gaycrest. I'm talking about Glamberace! It doesn't matter what I say. This bitch will win. He already won. I can already see the wings started to sprout out of his ass and the glittery halo above his head. He's already an angel to the judges and half of America.

I wish they would just give him the tiara already and put us out of our misery! His performance of "One" had me until the screeching pussy in heat jumped out of his mouth again. And even though his version of "Cryin'" had my ears crying from all that hollerin', I still loved that he chose it. Glamberace totally kicked Danny in the ass bone for completely murdering an Aerosmith song last week. For that reason alone, he deserves to be in the finals. Any hater of Gokey is a best girlfriend of mine!

On to the predictions:

Who will be executed: Kris, right? But please twist your nipples and hope for a Gokey execution!

P.S. - Was it just me or did anybody notice the stain on Simon's t-shirt. It was right near his furry tittay. Gaycrest needs to aim better next time!

No, unfortunately Kara DioGOTOHELLALREADY was not the bitch who was sent back into the gutter of tears. The ho who was axed is after the jump. JUMP!!!

No, seriously, just go go go go GO far far away. I'm going to keep this recap simple, because everybody sounded like glorious rock angels sent from Led Zeppelin heaven compared to the terrorist attack that is Danny Chokey.

Chokey must pay for whatever it is came out of his shit hole last night. The FCC needs to fine him, his church needs to excommunicate him and Peta needs to pour a gallon of red paint down his throat, because thousands of chickens WERE strangled to death in the making of that sound. During dress rehearsal, the stage manager fell down the stairs and had to go to the hospital. All signs point to Chokey's screech from hell. It is the cause of all the wrongdoings in this world.

The only good that could have come out of Chokey's "baby hyena in a blender" screech is if Simon Cowell threw Kara DioSTFUALREADY towards it and she turned into a pile of salt. Then Paula would've run on stage and snorted her up. If that happened, Kara wouldn't have embarrassed herself even more with the whole "Crazy" is "early Aerosmith" comment. Stupid bitch.

Chokey's performance should seal the deal. He basically sang his own execution song last night. Somebody should check on Steven Tyler, because I think hearing Chokey absolutely murder one of his songs caused him to dig a grave just so he could lie down and turn in it.

With all that being said, Cockey won't be put down tonight. The judges completely shrugged off that epic suckery off. Most of them said that Danny just wasn't in his element. If by "element" they meant "singing," then they are right. But that's not what they meant.

All signs still point to a Glamberace/Cockey finale. And this grosses me out. It should be Manic Panic's best girlfriend, Allison! Didn't her duet with Glamberace pretty much confirm this? I mean, Allison was pretty perfect last night. When she sang, empty bottles of Jack Daniels and cartons of Marlboro Reds danced around me. She already has the voice of a middle-aged crackhead rock star who may or may not love the pussay. How can you not love that?

As for Kris Allen, I hope you got enough of his "jizzing in a tube sock" facial expression last night, because I think he is done. You won't see them anymore. His army of horny tweens can't save him now.

Now on to GLAMBERACE! Breaking news! For once in my life, I actually liked him. Yes, everyone was waiting for THE QUEEN to take on Queen, but his version on Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" kind of stroked me the right way (my apologies for that lunch-killing visual). This was mostly because Glamberace is built like Foghorn Leghorn, so that's who I pictured singing this. That made a whole world of difference.

Now on to predictions:

Who will face execution?: Allison & Kris
Who will be executed?: Sadly, Kris....

P.S. - SLASH: I would totally let him rub my no-no with his nose ring. Who knew Slash could ever make me pucker?

It's time to put on your aluminum foil hats and discuss American Idol conspiracy theories! Last night, I was sort-of, kind-of, maybe drunked up while watching this mess, so it was a total blur. By the by, this is the way it was meant to be watched. The elimination episode of Idol is like doing sexy times with a fugly bitch you met at the bar. You don't know why you're doing it and you're filled with shame over it, but since you've already decided to, you might as well get as plastered as possible to ease the pain. The only problem is that when Danny Dorkey's "RDJ hit with the tard stick" face comes on the screen, I really can't control the barf nuggets from pouring out. They should throw a warning or some sawdust on his fugly ass face.

The only part I really remember last night was the OMG WTF WHY WHO HUH SHOCKING reveal that the unstoppable flying unicorn that is Glamberace was in the bottom 3 along with Kris Allen and Justin TimberMOLE. I really wasn't slapping my nipples out of shock, because I was waiting for the Idol producers to pull this fuckery out of their asses. This is some manipulative shit!

Shortly after Gaycrest puckered up his peen kisser and announced, Kris, The Mole and Glamberace as the bottom 3, he let Kris' sweet ass go back to safey. Then The Mole was finally burned off. That's when my eyeballs started doing calisthenics. Give me a break. They never said Glamberace was in the bottom 2, but the producers are trying to scare his crazy fans by making it seem like he was close to being executed. Some of the Glamberts might have been voting for Allison or Kris thinking Glamberace is safe, so now they are going to go back to punching it in for their precious rainbow prince. That means there will most likely be a Chokey and Glamberace finale. FIXED!

If Lens Crafters' favorite bitch wins this shit, I swear I will break into Simon's bathroom chambers and shave off the only thing that means anything to him: his titty fur.

And I have a question, why do I fucking care so much? I need to drink more, obviously.

Last night's American Idol was like the longest elevator ride ever. An elevator ride that just doesn't end. Although, some of the performances didn't have me staring at the emergency button just aching to yank it. But most of them did. I knew this wasn't going to be a fun time party hour when Jamie Foxx was revealed as the super secret mystery mentor. Jamie Foxx and The Rat Pack go together like Gaycrest and vaginas.

Jamie as their mentor was sometimes funny, sometimes helpful, but overall he was creepy as a Papa Joe. I wanted to scream at the contestants, "If he offers you a white wine spritzers, don't drink it! You'll wake up with a bleeding ass in the bath tub of a Super 8!" Yes, I'm speaking from experience. Now on to the butchery! JUMP!!

As the weeks go by, the pitter-patter from my loins gets louder and louder for Simon Cowell. The thumping almost deafens the doody-covered shit balls that come pouring out of the caca hole belonging to Kara DIOGetalocksmithonthatjaw. Last night, Simon delivered a beautiful love letter straight to Kara. Simon and I are soul sisters, because every time Kara opens her poop shoot, my best finger automatically salutes her. Every single time. Simon is the butter between my peen flap and that is compliment. If he ever needs a ho to smother cocoa butter on his fur tittays, I'm his bitch.

Enough of that, let's talk about the least gayest disco party of all-time and forever. JUMP!!!

A funny thing happened on American Idol last night no. Not only did a rabid, shrieking beaver creature in a Windsor Fashions prom dress break into the studio and proceed to go into a seizure in the middle of the stage while police tried to control her with tear gas, but Matt Giraud aka THE MOLE was saaaaaaved!

The Mole, Lil Rounds and Anoooooop were in the bottom three and I was completely ready to blow air kisses to Lil's "hooker on a budget" wig, but Gaycrest's precious lips announced she was safe! So was Anoop! That's when I knew something in Paula's lude milkshake wasn't clean. Matt continued to sing for his supper while Paula and Kara did some kind of voodoo tribal dance at the judges table. Did you see that shit? After their dance, I ran outside thinking Paula's dance would make the sky rain Adderall pills. I stumbled back inside with a sad face because that didn't happen and found that the judges used that Power of Veto/Immunity Idol thing to save THE MOLE! That means two bitches get their heads chopped off next week.

Maybe someone spiked (SPOILER ALERT: Herself) Paula's sweet tea with the bad shit again and she started to hallucinate that Matt's MOLE would devour her alive if she didn't save him! That's why she begged Simon that she would give his furry titties a tongue bath for a week if he saved THE MOLE. Because really, we need to start letting these bitches go, so we can wrap this show up and go back to our miserable lives! Speaking of miserable, next week is disco week. Coincidentally, Rite-Aid is also having a sale on ear plugs and charcoal pills.

Adam Lambert the big gay lion has one more chance to make my donut hole spit glitter bombs for him. This will happen if he descends from the sky on a disco ball singing "Dancing Queen" while wearing this:

Simon! Oh, how I just want to fuck his fur tittays with a suppository (in a good way)! On last night's American Idol, Simon was like a big bowl of meth-spiked punch at the bore prom! If I got a penny for every time he rolled his eyes during one of the other judge's comments, I'd have enough money to replace Adam Lambert's tired old not-so-skinny jeans! Or Lil Rounds a new wig (we'll get to that later). More after the jump. JUMP!!!

Last night's American Idol confirmed to me that Kara DioPLEASEFALLINAHOLE is fucking with this shit! The dumb bitch's lock jaw is making it hard for her to get the words out fast enough thus making the show go over! Unlock that shit or hook your jaw up to the back of a truck and go home. Because the show went over, my raggedy Tivo didn't record all of Adam Lambert's performance. Kara is to blame. Or maybe the Idol producers pulled this trick out of their assholes to get us to watch the show live. Even if they gave me the phone number to Paula's back alley pharmacist, I still won't watch this fuckery live. Thank Cheesus for the internets, because I was able to see the performance everyone and their sperm donor was queefing glitter bombs over. So let's dissect after the jump. JUMP!!!