American Idol

Just when she gets shoved back to the tattoo farm, Little Miss Sunny Joy brought out the bitch last night. This is what I was waiting for and it came too late! I always knew she wasn't only filled with sunshiney happy fun times. The cunt that Megan has been keeping quiet finally seeped out to bite one of Simon's fur tittays. It seemed like Megan was just over it. She was sick of fake smiling and sick of not being able to face fuck Danny Hokey with a hammer. Bitch was saying fuck Simon, fuck Paula, fuck Kara's ugly ass jaw, and fuck that big gay lion who shrieks like he's got a power strip in his ass! FUCK all of it! And Simon kicked her in the culo right back when he told her they wouldn't be using the dumb ass Power of Veto to save her. Although, Megan needs to leave that "caw caw" shit

Speaking of CACA, she performed on Idol last night! Okay, I try try try my hardest to give him a chance. I do. At the beginning, her little Carol Channing acid tab act didn't really bother me. But then she got up and that's when I felt like I needed to sound the whistle, so the dog catcher could come out and wrestle that rabies-infected beast to the floor before it infected someone. The bitch needed a Mace blast to the face. And I think Adam Lambert pulled the power strip out of his ass and shoved it up hers. That's the only thing that would explain the body seizure she calls dancing.

The clip is below. Put a spoon on your tongue just in case. And I know I'm not the only one who wanted her to zip up her whole face!

VIA MjsBlog

No, this picture is not of a one-girl tribute band to Tokio Hotel. It's not even the broken condom baby of a Sanrio store and a Hot Topic store. It's Allison looking like a Japanese Anime character vommed all over her. The judges just couldn't seem to get past this last night and I just couldn't get past how fucking stupid they are. I think Randy said, "blah...blah..blah....your outfit sucks, dawg!" or something like that. Okay, so she doesn't look as glittery as one of Paula Abdul's Vicodin pills, but bitch didn't look that awful!

No, Allison's "Don't Speak" didn't make me want to use my time to scour the internet to download an illegal copy of it, but it wasn't the worst of the night. And all the judges could say is how she looked like a punk rock skunk after getting hit by a semi. Constructive criticism: they are doing it wrong.

It wasn't surprising that they didn't make any mention of Adam Lambert's whole look. The bitch is looking more and more like a middle-aged female-to-male tranny doing a really bad impersonation of final days Elvis. No matter what Adam does, the judges will still crawl up his sparkle hole, steal his eggs and use that shit to impregnate themselves. Yeah, that's why Simon's chichis are looking more luscious than usual. He's knocked up with Adam's baby.

I mean, Paula Abdul even compared him to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler!! D.A.R.E. just found the idea for their new campaign! Seriously, STEVEN TYLER?! More like MIA TYLER.

I can't even explain the big gay lion's performance of "Play That Funky Music" last night. I might have understood it if he performed it at Disneyland's Tomorrow Land while I was high on acid. That bitch was screeching like someone was waxing his asshole with liquid nails. Put a butt plug in it, take a Valium and calm the fuck down. This is American Idol, not American AHHHHHdol.

Now on to predictions. This is actually kind of hard, because last night's real theme was: SHIT! Sure, Kris Allen whispered sweet nothings into my peen hole, but nobody made me jizz in my chonies. But if I must guess:

Megan "Doesn't Bring Me" Joy - It's her time. I've had several servings of what she has to offer and spit up every last morsel. Megan has a voice that was meant to sing about dying hearts and cheating peens, not about rainbows and sunshine. Last night in heaven, Bob Marley emptied out his bong faster than normal after listening to Megan murder his song.. Bitch, take your happy ass shit elsewheres!

Anoop - Karaoke night is over. It's time to get back to your dorm room, Anoop. Curfew is up!

The 3rd bottom spot will either go to Allison, Scott or the Timberlake wannabe. Whores might have liked Scott's Olan Mills hair and his Billy Joel crooning, so my guess is that Allison will wrongfully be in the bottom.

They should keep all three of them and instead get rid of the most annoying gnat on that show: Kara DioSTFU. This ho actually said, "It's like Studio 57 in here!" I have five words for Kara: PLEASE FUCKING LEAVE YOU STUPID CUNT. Yeah, I know that's 6 words, but I'm using the Kara DioGuardi method of counting.

You know how there's a trillion pictures on the internet of passed out drunk whores whose friends think it will be really hilarious to graffiti all over their face and shit? Well, that's what Simon Cowell did to Paula Abdul on American Idol last night. Only her eyes were open. Yeah, she keeps 'em open whenever she passes out in a Vicodin haze. The Idol producers hired a professional to teach her how to do that, so nobody would know when she blacked out.

Simon brought out the Sharpie during Motown night, which always feels like I'm watching a 2-hour long commercial. Most of the songs should only be played during the couple's reunion on Wife Swap.

But some of the whore's made the best of it. Like that little tub of Manic Panic Allison Iraheta. Personally, I thought she gave the best performance of the night, but I'm afraid that she's going to be the star of one of those "OMGSOSHOCKINGWHAT" eliminations coming up. I just want to take her scratchy voice and use it to smooth out the acne on Adam Lambert's face. Adam should get her to sing a Janis Joplin song, so she could hit 60 on the grit-scale and sandblast those pimples right off his mug.

Speaking of Adam Laaaaambert the big gay lion, he nailed his K.D. Lang impersonation last night. He does K.D. better than she does herself (not like that). In fact, K.D. should quit whatever the hell she's doing, move to Las Vegas and become an Adam Lambert impersonator. Second career calling!

I'm always on the dildo with Adam. Just when I start to sort-of like what he's doing, the judges have to barf up all the gallons of jizz their body created while watching him perform. They need to calm down. They are making me not like him. Yes, his unicorn on helium voice is good sometimes, but the judges all want to shove themselves up his asshole, so that he can give birth to them. They should all run away together and just give Allison the fucking trophy. Also, I took a good look at his face last night and all I saw was a Max Factor factory.

As for who will be killed off tonight, I think it's down to three little whores:

Megan Joy Dorkey - For once in my life I wanted my TV to kill itself. I'm re-watching her shit right now and my dog cannot take his eyes off the screen. I think he's pulling a STAINS and is trying to use his eye powers to make her fucking stop! I like her voice, but she keeps singing all these Hallmark card songs. This bitch just doesn't get it and for that, she needs to go be pretty somewhere else.

Michael Sarver - Why is he still here? Why are we being forced to sleep through his performances?

Scott MacIntyre - Scott is sweet. And his pink pants were sweeter, but fuck he's as boring as lukewarm vegetable broth! When I say that I sleep through Sarver's performances, I fall into a coma when Scott comes on.

My final guess is that Michael Sarver will be banished from the world tonight.

Jane Mancini was voted out of American Idol last night and it didn't feel right, because Sydney Andrews wasn't there in a wedding dress to throw her in a pool or something. That's what was missing.

Jane (real name: Alexis Grace) was put in the bottom with that sack of stale potatoes Michael Sarver. Fuck me with a lame dildo, he's boring. Sticking your genitals in a bowl of uncooked mashed potato flakes is more exciting than watching him sing.

The judges really made it sting in Alexis' pussy bone by saying they were considering saving her ass with that golden power of veto trash (wait, that's Big Brother). They made Alexis sing for her liiiiiiiifffffeee, but after all that shit, they said it was good, but not good enough. Bye, bye!

This is what I hate about the judges making them sing again. If it was bad enough the first to time to land them in the bottom, why would they torture us again?! They should make them do something else. Like, I don't know, compete in a round of Are You Smarter Than A Crazy? starring Paula Abdul.

Alexis' exit means that the rumor about the final 4 being fixed was built on lies. Unless, American Idol tried to be all slick by quitting that bitch, thinking that would throw us off. Alexis had to be sacrificed. Eh, at least I won't have to look at her HGTV hair anymore.

Why didn't Johnny Cash appear in a ring of fire to punch Adam Lambert in the mouth and then burn that "Mad Max gone wrong" jacket over his body?! Adam's performance of "Ring of Fire" made my ring of fire (I'm putting cream on it) throb in pain. Bitch gets an A+ in trytoohardy, but if you weren't smoking some of Paula Abdul's secret recipe through a hookah, you were probably trying to figure out what the hell was going on up there. Paula was definitely the only ho who was on board with that shit. You would be too if a magic carpet appeared at your feet and flew you through Adam Lambert's boyfriend's sparkly sweater during that slaughter-filled performance.

It was like orgy music that will make your peen go limp. Speaking of, when Adam tried to bring on the sexy, I had to go to Bible.com, put my hand on the screen and pray that I never experience anything like that ever again. That being said, Adam needs to stay. Well, that glittery Shrek creature with Sonic the Hedgehog hair is at least making me feel something. The rest of those boring bores only make me crave oatmeal made with tap water.

The judges need to be put on a bus and sent to Insanity Town, because they were busting loads over the wrong whores. I mean, Danny Hokey?! That bitch needs to go back to the early 90s cartoon he came from. I'm so tired of him and his ten million glasses. And of course he sang "Jesus Take The Wheel." Of fucking course. Danny is at the wheel and taking the fools for a ride! That's some manipulative shit! I wouldn't even buy it if Mah Boo Anderson Cooper wrapped it up and dangled it from his shiny peen. No. I would rather Anooooooooop win than Danny and that's saying everything! Anoop is like a big GAP hoody to me. He's comfortable to most, but I don't want that shit anywhere near me! And he really does wear a lot of hoodies. I think he's in cahoots with the hoody people.

As for my predictions. This is kind of hard since most of them brought the MEHS in heavy doses last night. But I'll say Michael Sarver, Alexis Grace and Megan Joy Cokrey will find themselves holding hands and shit as the bottom 3. My guess is that Megan Joy DORKEY will be swept back under the rug. I keep waiting for her ass to get all angsty, but she keeps doing these hokey ass songs. Bitch needs to shit out the Hallmark Card already and bring on the ragey-ness I know she has inside of her.

And I think Paula's added a few things to her secret tea last night, because the crazy was extra-babbly. She also needs to let Kara take a swig, because maybe that will loosen up her damn lock jaw. Seriously, I want to jump through the screen and pry that shit open with the jaws of life. Actually, I think it's better if I pry it shut.

Some bitch with a slippery tongue who works on American Idol is reportedly jumping around telling everyone and anyone the final 4 on the show have already been picked, picked and picked. The loud mouth says that Jane Mancini, Glittery McWentz, Lil' Rounds and Danny "Makes Me Wanna Pokey My Own Eyes" Gokey will be the chosen four. When asked if this was just speculation, the crazy bird said, “Those ARE the people." Damn. Okay, okay...

She went on to tell the NYDN that the producers really want Gokey or Alexis Grace to win, because they "think they’re very commercially viable, have a good image and a great story.”

Fox refused to say shit about this mess.

So who's the babbling bitch? My guess is that Paula Abdul found the key to the medicine cabinet again, right? Give the crazy a barbiturate and she'll blather on until you shut her up with a Vicodin lolly.

Asking the question "Is Idol fixed?" is like asking the question "Does Simon lick his own furry nipples when he's alone in bed at night?" MAYBE (but probably yes)! Actually, I don't know. Does it matter at this point? We've already wasted ten million hours of our young lives, so we might as well keep on suffering. As long as the contestants keep sucking shit nuggets so that we can make fun of them each week, I'll be happy.

That question was the headline all over the intrawebs after Kelly Clarkon's performance on American Idol last night. They know this ho isn't knocked up. She recently said that she doesn't want any chirruns in her life. This is just their way of saying that the bitch looks like she snacked on a Hometown Buffet, chomped on a Claim Jumper and washed it all down with a Chili's. They wanted to write that when she was singing "My Life Would Suck Without You" she was thinking of Krispy Kremes. Damn. Just say it! We're all fucking cunts here. It's fine.

Yeah, bitch added a little chunk, but I think Kelly's "Stevie Nicks on the ho stroll" outfit is mostly to blame. Did this bitch not learn anything from the big-tittied frog?

Anyway, now to the whores who went back to the world of broken dreams. I don't understand how that Anooooop bitch ended up in the bottom 4? Everywhere I go, all I hear is Anoooop. I swore that bitches voted for him only because they want to keep shouting his name every week. That ho never did it for me. He always reminds me of that one IT guy in every office who gets drunk and starts singing like a fool at the office Christmas party. Throw pancakes at me (delicious), but I would have rather he went and Jorge stayed. American Idol is already a fucking extra-large fondue pot filled with burnt cheese, but Jorge takes it to a whole new level. There's a Carnival Cruise funship calling his name....

Now about Jasmine. And by "Jasmine," I mean her mother. We must never forget. And last night she brought out the elegant nails. That made it hurt even more. Can't we replace Lock Jaw DiGrossi with Jasmine's mother? She can just sit there, smirk and silently cheer. We hardly knew her!

I missed many of the slaughters (they call them performances) on American Idle last night, because I was in my kitchen madly trying to recreate the secret nectar that fills Paula Abdul's Coke cup. I'm guessing it's a mixture of NyQuil, an entire Vicodin bottle, venom from a cold hearted snake, a drop of Skat Kat's jizz and a spoonful of leche from Simon's fur titties. Whatever it is, it had that ho riding high above the stage on a bright purple winged pony. This bitch was seeing magical doves flying through the studio. That would explain her outfit. I think one of those doves dived into her chest to try to stop her madness!

Paula was in HIGH form last night. Bitch declared every whore with a mic the winner. She had no idea what the hell kind of words were coming out of her mouth. The Skat Kat in her head was talking too damn fast and it was confusing her. When Adam Lambert performed, she totally saw him as a glittery giant Adderall pill. Actually, I think every did, because whores left and right were foaming at the asshole over him. I'm trying so hard to love him, but it's not working out for me. I sniff a bottle of Urban Decay nail polish and force myself to bust nuts over him, but it doesn't work. He's a little too Wentzy for me. But I wouldn't be mad if he won. He's a million times better than a lot of those other weepy ass skanks.

Where did the producers do most of their scouting this season? In a damn broccoli patch? Every contestant is more boring than the last. Half of those dudes are the same person. Gokey Allen Giraud Sarver! Throw them in a pot, put a lid over it, set it and then FORGET IT.

Since my brain has already zapped out most of last night's performance, let's go over the whores who will probably go back to working at Hot Dog on a Stick (delicious). Two fools are going home tonight, so I'm guessing there will be a bottom 4. These are my guesses:

Jasmine: She seems like a nice girl. I'd eat a bowl of Lucky Charms with her, but unless you've got a Bratz doll fetish, she's just all sorts of MEH.
Jorge: Even Jorge knows he's being sent to the irrelevant factory. This gives me the sads inside, because think of what his eyebrows could be. I just want to jump on his chest and go to pluck city.
Scott: I picked him, because I really can't remember who the hell he is.
Kris: Bitch needs to give us what we want already! We want fully nude performances! And Simon's right, drop the wife. It's not a good look.

I'm probably totally wrong with the bottom 4, because I do believe that the two Js (Jorge and Jasmine) will be shuffling off tonight.

But seriously, we need to quit delaying the inevitable and declare the true American Idol: Jasmine's mother's wig. Come to terms with that fact! I voted for it at least 300 times yesterday. It's funny that each call I made for Lisa Murray's wig ended with a happy ending. That's a sign.

It's funny that when they announced that Tatiana Del Terrible would compete during the wild card round on American Idol tonight, I had trouble remembering who she exactly was. I forgot she existed! But when she burst into fake tears that Bachelor Jason would be proud of, it all came back to me! It's like Gaycrest opened the chest of bad memories and out came Tati, along with the horrific memory of when I went caca in my shorty shorts in the first grade. Both Tati and that memory came skipping back into my life last night. The horror!

The last time Tati was on the show, she was so demure and acted like she had just snorted a line of No-Doze backstage. But last night she brought the faggotry back. This hag made a spectacle of herself. You just wanted to throw a bagel at her. Tati went on like she won a damn Oscar! I'm surprised she didn't thank Loki.

Tati is pretty much in the Top 12, isn't she? Every reality shit show needs a resident Loony McLoonester and Tati perfectly fills that position. The ratings need her. They are screaming her name the producers know this. Her presence also gives Paula a reason to double up on her "doll friends." Paula embraces a reason to take more Vicodin.

As for the other two wild card spots, I'm going to say Bratz Doll Jasmine and Anoop will join the final whores. Also last night, Lil Rounds, Scott MacIntyre and Jorge moved on to the finals. And this just confirms that this might be the worst season of American Idol EVER. I said this last season and I'll probably say it next season, but for right now, I mean it!

Couldn't the producers have found a litter of fluffy, adorable kittens for us to watch 4-hours a week. Every week, we could have voted out the one with the weakest meow. Or the one whose purr is off-pitch. Or something!

That being said, I will miserably sit and watch this entire fucking season. And so will you!

I was about to write that this is the gayest season of American Idol, but then I remembered Gayken's season. Gayken has the power of ten thousand gays inside him. So this is the second gayest season! One of the bitches you can thank for that is Nathaniel Marshall and his PP-inspired headband. I just want to take that headband, stretch it back and then release. If it hits him in the head hard enough it might make his eyes pop out. Bitch always has those beady mole eyes!

Nathaniel really should have sang "Let's Hear It For the Boy," but he did Meat Loaf's "I Will Do Anything for Love." You know, I feel like Nathaniel stumbled into the wrong reality show. Bitch should be on RuPaul's Drag Race. While watching him skip around last night, I kept thinking that I really want to see him with a wig on his head and a big dress on his body. The gods above might have brought him into this world just so he could play Edna Turnblad in Haispray. He could play that role now until the end of his days. Bitch doesn't have a chance in Simon Cowell furry chichi hell tonight. He's out. Well, he's already out OUT (his wrist did the honors), but he's not going any further.

It's obvious that the two whores the judges popped jizz balls over are going on. Lil Rounds and Blind Scott sealed it up. They were both just alright. Not amazing. Just, eh. I had a hard time concentrating on Lil Round's voice, because I was so mesmerized by that ASS! I could serve Thanksgiving dinner for 12 on that ass. It's fucking amazing. As for Scott, he could have sang The Most Offensive Song from South Park and he would still get through. By the way, Paula Abdul has no idea he's blind, right?

The third spot will either go to that chick with bangs who was brought back from the dead or Jorge from Puerto Rico. If Jorge goes on, can they please bring a chola into his life to fix those eyebrows. It looks like Vadge's vintage sascrotch sat above his eyes. I just want to take an Epilady to those things!

And I am so over that Kara Dioguardi bitch! She doesn't open her mouth all the way when she talks and she always says, "I don't know what kind of artist you are." BITCH! They are going to be whatever artist the American Idol evil lords want them to be. They don't have any say. Ugh. Someone please sprinkle Vicodin dust on her, so Paula can throw her up in the air, catch her with her mouth and swallow her whole!