For me this season of American Idol was like that fuck buddy who is the laziest lay and takes years to cum, but you always call them up on a Saturday night when you're feeling the itch because you know they're always around and ready to go. I tried to get into that shit. I sucked my bong until it was filled with tumbleweeds while watching it, but even that didn't work. Something was missing....and that something was every pharmaceutical executive's wet dream girl Paula Abdul!
How could I deal with Ellen Degeneres (aka the nail in the coffin) blinking like a brain dead bunny with Tourettes without Paula Abdul there to get me contact high? But Paula returned to the Idol stage last night after the producers left a trail of Ludes from her bathroom to the studio! Paula showed up in Skat Cat jammies, but the costumers were able to throw a dress together using some scraps found in Crystal Bowersox's dreads and a few pasties from Simon Cowell's dressing room. Speaking of Simon, he is the sole reason for why Paula dragged herself out of the pill bottle last night.
It was Simon's last episode and Paula gave a touching farewell speech that you could only understand if you put an empty whiskey bottle up the screen and put your ear to it. At one point, I thought Paula was going to go off script and start telling off all the producers who evicted her from the show. I thought it was going to be one of those "YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM IS" moments which would lead to two men in white coats (Ruben and Justin Guarini, because they need the money) rushing on stage and injecting her with a strong sedative (aka Kara Dioshutthefuckup's saliva).
Sadly, that didn't happen, but Paula still managed to put together an incoherent rambling mess of a goodbye monologue. Watch it below. By the way, the video is totally in synch with the audio. It's Paula's mouth and words that are not in synch:
As for the rest of the episode, it was like the worst Jerry Lewis telethon ever complete with sickly kids (I'm looking at you, Archuleta). Some dude named Lee DeWyze won that shit. Lee is like the mulch you get when you leave David Cook and Kris Allen in your backyard compost pile for a few months, so at least Idol is consistent with their winners.
Personally, I wanted Crystal to win, only because she looks like Taylor Swift's crazy aunt who lives in a mobile home behind a Piggly Wiggly and is always going on about her magic stones. That aunt who is always begging Taylor to buy her 100 lottery tickets, because she saw the winning numbers in the toilet while trying to make sure she's shitting out banana-shaped poops.
So that's that. I'm telling myself that the entire season was just a horrific nightmare Paula Abdul had while she was in a Vicodin-induced coma. If you pan out, you'll see Vincent the Dog lying next to her.
And you thought you were the only one who bled from all of your face holes while watching the animal slaughter known as American Idol. Well, you're not alone. During last night's show, the camera cut to two bloody girls in the audience. Simon got jealous, because he wishes his ears would literally bleed when he says, "My ears are bloody bleeding!"
The truth is, the girls were friends of that Siobhan chick and they did themselves up as zombies to support her. You know, it's just like the time your friend's dressed up like cheap whores to support you in court. Yeah, like that. And it's fitting that Siobhan's friends would dress up like zombies since her high-pitched "mid-pubescent red fox getting castrated with a butter knife" screech forces dead bodies to jump from their graves and throw themselves into the nearest fire.
And if for some reason you too want to look like a zombie today, just watch Miley Cyrus' performance on Idol. Your skin will crack and you'll turn grey from choking yourself. However, if you suffer through the pain, your boss will probably send you home early! #brightside
(Image via The Daily Wha.at)
On American Idol's first live show Tuesday night, Ellen Degeneres made a joke that she's sitting far away from Simon Cowell because he wouldn't stop molesting her down low parts. According to TMZ's sources, Ellen and Simon might be sitting far apart because they can't stand each other. Apparently, Ellen would rather have an intimate conversation with Sarah Palin's nipples than spend alone time with Simon.
Sources say that the hate between the two first bloomed during their first week of taping after Simon showed up late and kept the other judges waiting. Shit got serious after that. The sources went on to say that Ellen refuses to respect Simon's cuntness, and isn't happy that he's so mean to the contestants. This of course fuels Simon's bitch fire.
Okay, is Ellen new here, because Simon has been a bitchy ass bitch bitch from bitch town for CENTURIES! I mean, it's in the Bible and everything. But seriously, I hope the feud gets thicker than Kara Diofuckoffalready's skull, because it would take the focus off the fact that our favorite little pill popper is no longer on the panel.
It's hard to watch that mess without Paula Abdul. It's like going to group therapy and finding out that your favorite crazy (the one who would always tell the therapist to eff off) moved or got committed.
E!'s Marc Malkin is hearing that the producers of American Idol have had several conversations with butter fucker Paula Deen (over buttermilk biscuits and butter-tinis, I'm sure) about being a guest judge this season. The source told Marc, "They started talking about two weeks ago."
Paula Deen probably serenades blocks of butter before she devours them, so that's good enough for the producers of American Idol. Besides, since when do you need musical experience in order to judge American Idol? I mean, Ellen Degeneres is a talk show host, Randy was in Journey and I'm pretty sure Kara Dioshutthefuckupyouasshole used to be a wood shop teacher or a woodchuck. Or something.
So why shouldn't Paula Deen or anybody else for that matter be a judge?
It would be pretty entertaining. If Paula doesn't like one of the contestant's performances, she can just throw a ham at them.
The producers of American Idol might be freebasing a mysterious powdery substance left in Paula Abdul's dressing room, because TMZ says they are actively trying to find a replacement for Simon Cowell. And a source says that word on the set is that Elton John is a front-runner for the position. Elton has been a guest judge on Idol before. Elton's spokesbitch wouldn't say shit about this rumor.
Simon Cowell is the truth teller of Idol! Ellen Degeneres is there to tell jokes. Randy Jackson is there to keep the Kraft Services staff company. Kara DioSHUTTHEFUCKUP was planted there by the pharmaceutical companies so millions would pop anti-anxiety meds every minute just to deal with her annoying ass. And Simon is there to bring the truth in the truthiest way possible.
So while I know Elton is clearly capable of bombing the dreams of young singers with his words of bitchery, I still think Simon is irreplaceable. And yes, I too read the word "irreplaceable" in Beyonce's singing voice. Look at what poop culture has done to us.
Personally, I think Simon should drag Elton John and Paula Abdul to the judge's table on X-Factor. Two cunts and a crazy is the formula for an instant success!
Because Simon Cowell is finding it hard to go on without Paula Abdul's hot NyQuil breath making his titty hairs tingle, he has decided that the upcoming season of American Idol will be his last. Don't worry, Simon will continue to destroy dreams and kill futures on the US version of X-Factor, which will premiere on Fox in Fall 2011. Simon made the announcement this afternoon:
"We reached an agreement formally at about half past 10 this morning. Where we have come to and agreed is that X Factor will launch in America in 2011, with me judging the show and exec producing the show. Because of that this will be my last season on 'American Idol,' this year. I felt like doing something different. I want to leave Idol this year bigger and better than it's been before."
When Simon was asked if he has plans to lure Paula to X-Factor by leaving a trail of Vicodin bits from her house to the studio (Warning to Simon: You may attract a Lohan instead), he said, "I adore Paula. Whatever happens with her, I will be working with her in some capacity because I miss her."
So I guess somebody should hand Ryan Gaycrest a shovel (make sure it's toddler-sized) so he can start digging Idol's grave, because that shit cannot go on without Simon. That show runs off of Simon's words of bitchery. Without him, all you've got is LockJaw McDumbTits, Randy Jackson and Ellen Degeneres. Yeah, exactly. American Idol without Simon Cowell is like Roomba Cat without a Roomba.
If the Evil Queen from Snow White and Vera Wang's Glam Princess perfume bottle got tangled up in an Ed Hardy sweatshirt, it would look something like that. But it's the sentiment (and Tweet) that counts...right?
When I first heard that Ellen Degeneres was going to replace our favorite loopy pill popper on American Idol, I immediately said a small prayer for Paul's medicine cabinet, because I knew it was going to get messed up majorly during her meltdown. If Paula did freak out like Wino during a full moon, then she quickly brushed the Vicodin dust off of her, downed a Red Bull and pulled it together long enough to issue this statement about being replaced:
"American Idol is a fantastic show that offers an invaluable platform to young talent. Ellen DeGeneres is wildly funny and talented in her own right. I wish her and the show only the best of luck."
If only statements came in 3D. This one would be filled with side-eyes, stumbles, slurring, middle fingers and spitting. Paula is probably just playing nice to throw producers off into thinking she's going to behave. That way it will be easy for her to hide between Simon Cowell's fur titties before the season premiere and pop out when they all least expect it! You can't keep a crazy down. Ever!
What in the huh in the what in the fuck?! The producers of American Idol must have found the emergency stash Paula Abdul left behind in her dressing room and had themselves a major party where they somehow came up with the idea to cast Ellen Degeneres as the fourth judge! I mean, this is some shit you come up with when you're riding high on the bad shit! And no, September 9th is not the new April 1st.
Ellen and Fox both announced tonight that she will replace Paula Abdul starting this season. Ellen said this:
"I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote. Hopefully I'm the people's point of view because I'm just like you. I sit at home and I watch it. … I'm not looking at it in a critical way from the producer's mind. I'm looking at it as a person who is going to buy the music and is going to relate to that person. I'm going to have a day job and a night job. The times we're living in ... we're all doing that."
I just hope that either Ellen or Ryan Gaycrest dye their hair another color, because we are going to have a bitch of a time trying to figure out who is who!
You just know the big stack of money Fox handed over to Ellen is ten times bigger than the one they offered to Paula. Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said that. Now Paula is really going to have the meltdown of all meltdowns. All pharmacies, back alley dealers and medicine cabinets should immediately go on HIGH ALERT! Paula Abdul will be on the loose tonight!
And for those of you wondering if Ellen Degeneres has any singing experience, I present this to you:
Posh Beckham got out of her spaceship in Boston today to sit in as the guest judge on American Idol for callbacks. Posh's spokeswhore said that she has no plans to become the permanent fourth judge. However, it does look like she has plans to scare the fuck out of whoever walks through those doors to audition. Those poor bitches are going to think they either walked into a Scientology meeting or some kind of alien sacrifice ritual (same thing, right?). Posh could've eased up on the make-up. Or at least caked on some prosthetics so she looks less praying mantis-like.
Although, my childhood does applaud Posh for wearing a lace headband. Oh, it brings back fond memories of when I used to steal my sister's neon lace headbands and wear them while dancing around in the comfort of my room. So thanks for that, I guess....
Here's more of Posh looking like she'll beat you with a wire hanger if you don't finish your liver dinner while arriving at callbacks today. I also threw in a couple of pictures of Kara DioPLEASELEAVEUSALONE looking annoying as usual. Will Posh just eat her soul already? Oh yeah, what soul.