American Idol

Let the sparkly fairy dust fall all over of you as you look at these precious pictures of American Idol's Adam Lambert skipping through the rainbows. Yeah, if didn't know Adam liked the peen, then you need to drop your gaydar off at the shop for fixing. My gaydar shut down when Adam first popped up on my screen.

Vote For the Worst posted a few pictures of Adam sticking his tongue out in another dude's mouth. Pictures like this are never a good idea. I mean, that shit never looks hot! We've all taken them, because we think it makes us look like sex kittens, but it doesn't! It looks like he's barfing into that tiny gay's mouth! Well, he sort of is barfing. Barfing shiny rainbows! May the unicorns frolic!

I did know Adam was gayer than my MAC lip glass-covered no-no (it makes it extra sexy), but I didn't know he was a raver! These pictures of him at Burning Man brings back the memories. Where's my pacifier and glow stick? It's time to fucking roll.

Adam should really perform on Idol as his drag queen alter ego. Homegirl is more of a woman than Paula Abdul will ever be. By the way, the 4th thumbnail may make your asspussy pucker until the dicks come home. A little warning.

Last night, I was forced to watch American Idol without having the ability to fast forward through suckery and commercials. That shit should be used as a torture device. For real. I haven't been the same since.

Honestly, these skanks should not get to pick their own songs. Maroon 5? Coldplay? Hell no. It's never going to work. They should sing nursery rhymes, because they have the brains of toddlers. No offense to toddlers.

There were two whores that the judges busted nuts over. The first was 16-year-old Allison Irawhatever. When Gaycrest was interviewing her ass before she performed, homegirl acted like she just downed a bottle of rubbing alcohol. She was on a 15-second delay and not making sense. Then, she got up, took the stage and screamed the fuck out of Heart's Alone. No wonder bitch is alone, because she screams so damn much. Bitches can't be around her, because she hurts their ears. And she looks like the broken condom baby of Kelly Clarkson and Natasha Lyonne trying to do a Lily Allen impersonation and failing. Yes, I would have let Allison paint my nails with black glitter polish in high school, but I wasn't amused with her shit last night. But I also have a close relationship with Heart's Alone, because that is my karaoke JAM! Allison's performance needed more jazz hands. That's what that song is all about. Who knows? Her voice isn't that bad. She may grow on me. I'm open to it.

Adam Lambert also made the judges queef out compliments. Adam can sing, but the queen needs to turn down the drama. You could skipper dinner after Adam's performance, because he served up a giant honey baked H.A.M. And was Randy sipping on Paula's crazy tea? Randy told Adam that he was kind of like Robert Pattinson from Twilight. The hell? Maybe a hybrid of Robert Smith (today) and Paddington Bear, but sparkly RPattz? Never EVER.

The third spot MUST go to the amazing Norman Gentle. Richard Simmons proper! Norman knows this whole pony show is a damn joke and I'm in love with him because of that. Clip below:

Hurricane Del Toro's destruction on American Idol has come to an end....for now. You can put the ear plugs and punching bag away for now, but I have a feeling this ho has not finished with us. Wild card, anyone? Even though Tatiana makes my finger nails fall off, she's really the only one that makes me feel anything. The others are like a plate of soggy pancakes with no syrup. Boring as fuck, but if it's front of me, I'll slap my nalgas with it.

Last night, the third top 12 spot was between Tatiana and Robert Downey Gokey. The dude is a widower, so we know how this was going to play out. When Gaycrest announced that RDG was going on, I was hoping Tatiana would explode like a pinata filled with meth at Amy Wino's birthday party. She didn't. Instead, Tatiana slowly melted like she was playing Blanche in a community theater production of A Streetcar Named Desire. And the camera kept panning to her melodramatic ass while Gokey performed. I don't know what was worse? Tatiana's "power bottom without his dildo" pout or Gokey's shirt and glasses! Seriously, that man needs a gay in his life. Summer's Eve definitely made that t-shirt and glasses. That shit made my own clothes all wrinkly, because they felt weepy after seeing his mess! That outfit was made to be worn while doing body shots off some skeezer in a NJ bar. It was not meant to be seen by millions of people.

The other two hos who got the first top 12 spots were Jane Mancini and that roughneck dude or whatever the hell his name is. I already forgot and I'm not going to stress out my half-brain cell by trying to remember it.

After Tati was throw into the gutter, I love how the bitches around her weren't even trying to give her a real hug. They were hugging her the way I hug my extended family. It's an "I'm only doing this because people are watching" kind of hug. And the side-eyes! They fucking want to rip off that Paula Abdul 50-cent ring off Tati's finger and poke her eyes out. They HATE her.

Before watching American Idol last night, I had my ear plugs made out of egg crates and block of wood to scratch my nails into all ready for Tatiana Del Toro's laugh of destruction. But the laugh never came out of her mouth. Tatiana was so drippy. It's like someone sucked the helium out of her (I'm looking at you, Paula). Or maybe Tatiana accidentally had a sip of Paula's Morphine water?

Tatiana corked the crazy and this left me confused. The blood in my system was even ready to drip down my nose when Tatiana's Lucifer-sponsored cackle came spewing out of her mouth. The cotton balls were at my side! It never happened. Strange. I don't know. It's weird, because I could still see the crazy tingling in her eyes. Maybe she saw her ass on TV and figured she should bring it down a million levels to get votes. When the judges asked her about it, she kept saying, "I'm never like that! Ask my friends! I'm a multi-faceted woman!" or something like that. Uh huh. That's what all crazy bitches say. The crazy doctor must have upped her meds.

Did TatiRo's complete 360 help or hurt her ass? She could sneak into the Top 12 because there's a lot of crazy people out there. Crazies stick with crazies. But my nose will definitely start crying blood tears if she makes it through tonight. It's possible, because the girls were fucking GODAWFULHORRENDOUSEARBLOWINGBAD! The bitch who sang that Taylor Swift song made me yearn for the days of Kristy Lee Cook. Seriously, homegirl's skills are that evil. And the hot chick who murdered that Police song should have had the real POLICE called on her ass for decapitating that shit! My peen hole could whistle that song better. What was up with her faces too? This is American Idol, not fucking Toddlers & Tiaras! Bitch should really try out a career in child beauty pageants.

So, now it's guessing time! The 3 skanks who will make it to the Top 12 will be:

Alexis "Jane Mancini" Grace - Seriously, I was waiting for her to drop her mic and scream, "SYDNEEEEEEY!" (click to see her performance)

Danny Gokey - Because his name rhymes with chokey. And he's the only one who didn't make me punch my ears or fall into a coma. (click to see some of his performance)

Anoop - He's popular as fuck! It was the night of Anoop. He could have eaten a live baby bunny on stage and bitches still would've voted for him! (click to see his performance)

When American Idol started this year, I was wondering who would fill Kristy Lee Cook's devil's hooves as the object of my rage. I'm pleased to say that the spot has been filled by shrieking jackal Tatiana Del Toro who will face America's firing squad next week when she sings. And I've got my rifle fucking loaded and ready to go.

I don't really need to go into all the reasons why Tatiana makes me want to shove a mini-hot curling iron in my ear and open it. Just watch the clip above and everything will become clear to you. You'll wish you could give your ears an acid enema. And if you can't watch the whole clip, just to skip to the end and look at the faces of everyone around her. They are wishing for that acid ear enema too.

Tatiana isn't a bad singer, it's just everything else! When she laughs, garage doors go flying, cars combust and dogs run into traffic. Bitch sounds like a hyena on helium getting DPed.

It's like her laugh is taunting me to punch her in the mouth. Everyone else is hearing "Ahahahahahahaha," but I hear "Slap me, bitch! Slap me!" I bet the people in her family have already lost the feeling in their hands from sitting on them so much to keep from whacking her ass.

That said, I hate her so much that I think I love her. When she explodes into a cloud of laughing gas after she gets the boot (which will happen), it will be bittersweet for me. I mean, who else will make me angrily write stfu" on my TV screen using the blood from my bleeding ears?

American Idol returned last night and surprisingly, Paula wasn't the one to make an ass out of herself. Give her time before she realizes they are making her signature sweet Vicodin tea with Aspirin instead. Damn them. Paula needs her medicine!

This time, it was Gaycrest's turn to put on the dunce cap. He wears it so well. After Scott MacIntyre, who is pretty much blind, got a yellow paper to the finals, Gaycrest tried to high-five his ass! Yes, high-fiving a fucking blind dude! And then Gaycrest said, "We'll SEE you in Hollywood." I'm surprised Gaycrest didn't put on sunglasses and do the Stevie Wonder sway! Gaycrest hates blind people.

At that moment, Kathy Griffin got on her hands and knees and apologized to Jesus for telling him to "suck it," because he gave her this beautiful gift.

You know, that's not completely fair. Even if Scott had 20/20 vision, he still wouldn't have been able to see Gaycrest's high-five from that high up. Gaycrest forgot to get on his step ladder. And Gaycrest probably didn't even notice the walking stick, because he's too tiny to see the top part. It's not his fault.

And the blind dude's brother is totally hot and totally loves the peen, right? Clip below:

I could probably use the above title a dozen more times if I did more investigative reporting. I mean, I think all American Idol rejects end up in gay porn (even the girls) eventually. Shit. I think all of us will end up doing gay porn sooner or later. Yeah, so you better practice keeping your privates erect while getting it in the stink. Your time is cumming soon.

You might remember Zach Travis' American Idol audition that left the judges confused. Well, Simon and Randy anyway. Paula is always confused. Zach was the girly boy who wore bellbottoms and heels while singing Whitney Houston's Queen of the Night. Randy asked him if he was a dude or a chick. Zach was rejected and his dreams were crushed....

That's until he chopped off the librarian bob, tossed the heels in the dumpster and pulled his ass cheeks apart. Now the only thing that's getting crushed is Zach's asshole! Zach does gay porn now and goes by the name Kirk Cummings. Okay, couldn't he have come up with a better name than that?! Randy Jackmeoff? Or maybe Simon Bowels (ew)? Or even Semen Cowell?

The Sword uncovered Zach's new gay porn image as well as his new "song" called "Badass." The song is nothing to bust nuts over, but (NSFW) click here to see Zach's other skills which he seems to be much better at.

Good for Zach! When someone kicks you to the ground, just get on your knees and start sucking your way to the top (or bottom in his case)! It's the American dream!

Below is Zach's song "Badass" and click here to see his original Idol audition.

(Thanks Jack Shamama)

On May 21, 2008, David Cook became our next "American Idol." It is also the day that the lives of these tween girls came crashing down on them destroying their will to go on!

Well, not all the girls were tortured by the news that Fetus Archuleta lost. The Aero Surf girl is awesome. She's basically laughing at all of their asses on the inside, but realizes that if the other girls find out, they will turn on her and eat her alive. So she quickly plays along. She's totally a secret David Cook fan.

When one of the girls screams "That loser doesn't even shave," you know Aero Surf wanted to shout, "Well, that mouth breather hasn't lost all his baby teeth yet!"

I shouldn't make fun of these girls, because this was basically my reaction every time that dumb bitch Kristy Lee Cook made it to the next round. It will also be my reaction when the Live Feed Puppies go off the Internet.

P.S. - Only winners shave. Remember that.

Source VIA Best Week Ever

Thanks Callan

I've decided for myself that Pill-Poppin' Abdul and the new chick hate each other. HATE each other. Like a "I think about opening a hot curling iron in your asshole" kind of hate. I don't know this for a fact, but it's the only way I can accept the new chick. Look at Paula. If she wasn't Robitrippin so hard, she'd slap the new chick with her good hand. Her other hand is always numb from all ze Vicodin. And the new chick is softly praying to herself, "Please help me find a way to not whip this crackie's ass. I just got this job!"

Here's the new and maybe-improved "American Idol" family at the NYC audition today. Simon Cowell's manchichis are looking so perky. I bet he has some duct tape holding up those things.

A new person will get to inhale Paula Abdul's Vicodin vodka breath while judging "American Idol" this season. Singer/songwriter Kara DioGuardi will join Paula, Simon and Randy as a permanent judge when the show returns for its 8th season in January. Eight seasons of Paula's craziness.

Simon Fuller said they originally wanted four judges when "American Idol" started. Why?! They already have around 20 judges if you count all of Paula's personalities.

Simon went on to say, "We are turning the heat up on 'Idol' this year and are thrilled to welcome Kara to the judges' table. She is a smart, sassy lady, and one of America's most successful songwriters. We know she will bring a new level of energy and excitement to the show."

Kara has worked with Kelly Clarkson, Xtina, Gwen Stefani, Celine Dion, Faith Hill, Santana, Carrie Underwears, Brit Brit, Clay Gayken and more.

Personally, I think they should have dumped Simon and Randy. Paula should be the only judge. Just give her an open bar, a shady pharmacist and let her rip!

Somebody should let Kara know that she's only there to showcase Paula's craziness. Therefore, she should disagree with her as much as possible and also insult her dogs. Oh and it will help if she mentions that Bratz movie at least twice a day. In case you have no idea what I'm babbling about, clip below:

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