Fug

Lady CaCa looks like she stepped out from an old episode HBO's Real Sex. Oh, how I love vintage Real Sex episodes. I like seeing how bitch's kept their private shit bushy and lovely in the early 90s.

Anyfamewhory, it was nice of Lady CaCa to actually cover up her disaster zone with a skirt. That way we don't have to witness her tampon's second escape attempt. It was also very kind of her to wear the outfit Hazmat provided her to protect her skeezerness from the rest of the world. However, I wish she would have also worn the matching face mask.

When she's done with that rubber skirt, she can give it to her best slut friend forever Wonky McValtrex. Wonky can use it as a dental dam. Yes, her toxic pussy is that wide.

Here's Lady CaCa frolicking around London last night. Remember, the famewhore gene keeps her warm.

Joaquin Phoenix said "BYE! GOOD" to Hollywood and told anyone who gave a shit that he was going to focus on music. And by "music," he meant homeless dude rapping. He debuted his sad hobo-on-a-subway act in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago with his friend Casey Affleck documenting the whole pathetic show on camera. Now, two whores have told EW that Joaquin's new career is just a fucking 5th grade art project for him. A joke. A ha-ha. A funny. An "I got you." Like we didn't know that already?

One of the whores said, "He said, 'It's a put-on. I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it.'" The other whore piped in, "It's an art project for him. He's going full out. He probably has told his reps that he's quit acting. Joaquin is very smart. This is very conscious. He has a huge degree of control."

Art never looked so mangy.

Wouldn't it be so much fucking fun to just go around playing stupid ass jokes on everyone? Life is just one big fun game! I'm sure this shit is a stupid ass hoax, but Joaquin still has crazy bugs dropping crazy shits in his crazy brains. Joaquin needs to drop this fakery (also related to fuckery and faggotry) and go do something better with his life like re-grout my bathroom tile or teach my dog how to do the Macarena.

And Joaquin needs more people. Vanilla Ice already played that "I'm a white boy who can rap" hoax on everyone. Although, I don't think Vanilla has let us in on the joke yet.

Thanks Alia

Jessica Simpson is totally making the "I made a poopy" face. Yes, Jessica, you did. And it's smeared all over your body in the form of that not-right outfit. This is some "Miss Piggy joins the cast of The Real Trailer Park Housewives of Alabama" shit. If you ever want to clear a room or make a grown man cry, wear these diaper mom jeans. Those jeans are making her crotch look all fatty and sloppy. Lardcrotch!

Here's more of Jessica performing at Radio 99.9 Kiss Country's annual Chili Cookoff (how fucking fitting) in Pembroke Pines, FL yesterday. At the show, Jessica told the audience, "I am so excited that I am going to see my boyfriend tonight! My boyfriend is a football player, and he takes up my Sundays and now my Mondays." Replace "football player" with "seven-layer cake" and then this quote would make sense.

Tommy's robobeard presented the award for Best Actor at the SAG Awards last night, because they felt bad for not honoring her emotional and raw performance in Mad Money. Stepford Katie once again tried to do her best Posh impersonation and failed miserably. She looks more like my friend Armando trying to dress as Posh for Halloween using shit he bought at TJ Maxx. Piss Posh.

Posh would never go outside her house with a traumatized nipple situation. Katie's nipples were trying to find the exit and weren't working together as a team. One was heading for the north and the other was going south. They were seizing the moment because Tommy wasn't around trying to use his alien powers to turn one nip into David Beckham's peen the other into Will Smith's. Seriously, that's like his dream come true. That way he can just bounce back and forth on Katie's titties like a pink gay bunny!

Katie's roboboobies were also freaking out in all the chaos. Katie needed to hit Control + Alt + Delete and then reboot her micronips.

What in the tranny black bear hell is that shit on Pete Wentz's feet? Was the "I'm An Asshole" store having clearance a sale? And by the "I'm An Asshole" store, I mean Ashlee Simpson's closet.

We should fast track BMw Baby's emancipation papers, because this shit right here is a form of child abuse. I mean, Pete is Mimi on the bottom and a bag of dildos on top. It's sad that there's a faaaaaabulous Wookie somewhere with cold ass feet.

And don't even say he's gay for wearing this fuckery. I know you're seriously thinking it and just erase that thought away. Being gay and being a famewhoring dick bag are two very different things. I don't know one singular homo who would dirty their fancy little feet with this shit. Well, maybe just Gay Al Reynolds, but he would only rock this shit in the comfort of a circuit party.

Kim from The Real Hos of Atlanta is at Sundance because Park City probably has a really bad problem with rabid Mormon coyotes attacking tourists. They figured that if they invited Kim's mangy ass, rabies-ridden wig, the coyotes would stop biting the tourists because they'd be too busy trying to get one of their babies back from Kim's head. Kim had to have known that there was going to be some wild animals around that would try to rescue one of their own. But she probably figured that her mutant tarantula eyelashes would scare them off.

And not only does she have to worry about wild animals attacking her face, she also needs to fend off the groups of children that try to rip her head off because they are mistaking it for a Barbie Styling Head. Although, a Barbie Styling Head has a little more life in the eyes.

So this the kind of kinky shit Bert from Sesame Street does on the weekends!! I knew he was a cross-dresser. But seriously, this is a new photoshoot of the natural beauty known as Lady GaGa. Or should I say Lady GAWDCOVERUPYOURFACE. Her Poker Face is more like a Porky Face. Sorry, but the truth hurts. Well, these pictures of what Lady GaGa really looks like hurts more than the truth.

Here's some more stunningness (we make up words here) to go with your morning Sanka. I also threw in some pictures of Lady CaCaFace arriving at Heathrow yesterday. It's amazing what a pair of large sunglasses, ten pounds of make-up, a blonde wig and a gay hat can do.

We all wore some busted shit when we were Miley Cyrus' age, but you know this whole entire outfit is worth more than what I would sell for on the whore market. Actually, that's not saying much since I think I've already been appraised for a couple of hundred pesos, a lame goat and an elderly monkey with a farting problem. Anyway, this outfit right here put the ug in fug.

I feel like we should all quit our jobs, move to Hollywood and open up a store where we sell torn up shit for like $200 each. Miley totally bought these crackwhore tights already torn up. Think about it. We can go and buy a bunch of L'Eggs, spend 3-minutes tearing that shit up and then sell them for a couple of hundred dollars. We can even say they came from an authentic crackwhore. Those dumb celebskanks will buy it up because they love spending millions of dollars to look like homeless hookers.

Miley doesn't even know who Iron Maiden is. The bitch probably thinks it's something you buy at Wal-Mart to make grilled cheeses. And even Brit Brit wouldn't be caught flashing her shaved possum pie in those boots.

P.S. - Paging Chris Hansen! Paging Chris Hansen! Your assistant is needed in thumbnail #1.

I'm pretty sure UsWeekly screwed up that quote from Fuggie Fug. What she really said is, "I held back the crotch tears." Obviously, she did a bad job and that's why she had to pose with her ass to the camera. Hiding the piss stains!

But seriously, Josh looks like he's posing in a JcPenney catalog and Fuggie's dress looks like it came out of one. That's the kind of tight shit you wear to the prom when you don't want to want to give up the panty. True story. One of my slutty friends in high school bought the tightest and longest prom dress she could find because she said she didn't want to be tempted to fuck her boyfriend in the bathroom. If she wore a skin-tight dress it would be too much work. She did it anyway in the parking lot.

Image VIA Cover Awards

In The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke plays, get this, a wrestler! A wrestler who uses all sorts of enhancements to look all beastly and wrestler-like. Men's Journal (via Rush & Molloy) suggests that Mickey had a little help from Roidy McRoids. When asked about this claim, Mickey slipped his hand into his safe place and said, “When I’m a wrestler, I behave like a wrestler.”

Hasn't 21st century Mickey Rourke always looked like he was made from one of Vadge's roided-up vag lips? I figured roids were part of his daily ritual. He gets up, accidentally looks in the mirror, goes to get the kitchen, grabs a dustpan, cleans up the broken mirror he just looked into, takes out a needle and jabs it into his face cheek. You know his face eats roids. Major.

I went to see Mickey's hatchet face show in The Wrestler last week and he kind of charmed my ass in a "do me in a dirty trailer" kind of way. It's sad, but I'd totally let him hit it on a barb wire fence. He won't win a Golden Globe tonight, but I hope he does so that we can watch the statue shake in fear from being so close to his overdone scrambled eggs face.