Fug

Russell Crowe's movie about Robin Hood is falling apart, because he's a fat old sack of fugness. That's what Page Six claims anyway. According to their sources, Russell's movie Nottingham is a fucking mess, because the bitch is not losing the chunk. Shooting was supposed to start in February, but now that's been pushed to April, because mega slut Sienna Miller quit that bitch.

A source said, "Russell never lost the weight he put on for 'Body of Evidence' - and so the love scenes between him and Sienna would have been laughable. He's so old and fat and she's so young and gorgeous. It's just . . . gross."

A love scene between Sienna and a Seawolf (Russell does kind of look like one) would be believable, because she has a nonpartisan pussy. Sienna has a gift that most sluts would give up their no gag reflex for. She has the ability to make any fuck session work despite any odds. They need to give the whore the credit she deserves!

Anyslutty, the producers are now looking for a fatter, older ho to play Maid Marian. Um. Harvey Fierstein is available!

The movie also has other problems thanks to Russell. He demanded a complete rewrite so that most of the movie's focus is on his big ass. A source said he's also trying to get director Ridley Scott fired.

A studio bitch confirmed that Sienna busted out, but said Ridley is staying.

This is easily solved. Work with what you've got. Bring in Kristie Alley, change the title to Eatingham, rename Russell's character Robin Food, and instead of a Kraft services table, get Claim Jumper to cater that shit. BAM! Problem solved.

Ever since I started wearing pants, my hand has been down them, because that shit is my favorite thing to do. It's not even a "thing" anymore. It's a way of life. My mom calls it the "Al Brady." Yes, she means the "Al Bundy," but she gets her TV hos mixed up. Seriously, I do it all the time. It's not a sexual thing, you nasty bitch! It's not like my finger is up my ass. Well, not usually. It's just comforting keeping my hand right above my crotch area. Although, my slutty hand does travel a little too far south sometimes, but only to say "hey."

And just like Mickey Rourke, I even do that shit in public. But I always do it without thinking. When I'm waiting to cross the street or something like that, sometimes my hand will just creep into my pants out of habit. Whoever I'm with will usually call me a nasty perv and tell me to never leave the house again, but it's not like it's obscene!

In fact, I'm glad Mickey Rourke did it at the Critics Choice Awards last night. It distracts from his chilaquiles face.

I was beginning to think that American Idol looser (that's how we spell it around these parts) Sanjaya was working as a morning-shift shampoo girl at some salon in Shoreline, Washington, but he isn't! Sanjaya is leaping back into America's hearts like a precious deer with flowing Yanni-like locks with his new EP "Dancing to the Music in My Head" due out in exactly two weeks!

I wish Sanjaya's music in his head would stay there....forever. Yes, keep the music in your head, Sanjaya. It's safe there. No one will hurt it if it just stays in your head and isn't released into the wild. You can even dance to it. By yourself. Alone. In your head. Alone. Keep it there.

I feel like if I was trippin' out on shrooms or computer duster, I would completely become one with this album cover. I would dance inside this Cost Plus fuckery amongst the stars and swirlies. But since I'm as sober as a 4-year-old, it looks like it was made by his fans. And by "fans" I mean his big-tittied sister and that crazy crying girl. Actually, scratch that crazy crying girl. Even she moved on to David Archuleta and his baby teeth.

If you did some fucked up shit last night and need to torture yourself, head on over to Amazon to preview some of his songs. Or better yet, just watch Sanjaya's performance below. Watching this Bollylimp shit is like the equivalent of cutting yourself, but it won't leave nasty scars. i-Cutting!

Source: SOW

No, Diddy, he hasn't been moisturizing the sexy. Joaquin hasn't even been bathing the sexy. Obviously.

Joaquin Phoenix said "Bye! Good" to Hollywood and hello to ass bush bugs, seven layer cheese dick and fly nests in his ears. This is what fucking happens when you snort too much bunk coke and drink too many random cocktails left on the bar. I just want to give him a can of RAID and some Hazmat-approved antibacterial soap, because you know there's baby roaches living in that beard.

That being said, I'd hit it with a clothespin on my nose. Well, his sparkly hair clip is fancy!

Here's Joaquin, Casey Affleck, Brett Ratner and Diddy at a douche convention in Miami two nights ago. I bet you Joaquin only talks in his own language, because he thinks the government can hear all his conversations.

My mind completely blocked out the fact that we used to torn-up wear flared jeans in the fucking 90s. Thanks to that haggard bitch Katie Holmes, the awful memories came flooooding back like an evil butt wart breakout. Some things you would just like to forget, like flared jeans!

I bet this bitch is stealing shit from Tommy Girl's old box of clothes marked "The faaaabulous 90s," because I don't even know where she buys this fugness.

What the fuck is next? Spaghetti strap dresses over t-shirts? JAMS shorts? I should send Katie the hottest outfit my sister used to wear back in the day. She used to wear spandex leggings with polka dot chiffon flares at the bottom. She also had a matching crop top with flared-out chiffon sleeves. This was the 90s. Not the 70s. It was so hideous. Katie would totally wear that mess with a perfect robot smile on her face.

Here's Katie hurting my feelings with those jeans in NYC today. Suri probably ripped them off her legs, because later on she wore leggings. Still fug, but not as offensive as those flares.

I see what Prince William is trying to do here. He's thinking in his smart brain that if he makes it hairy on his face, we won't notice the scraggly patch of weeds trying to grow on his head. Wrong! I can still spot his half-grown Chia Pet head a mile away! The beard makes that shit worse. Since he's smart in the brains, maybe he's going to shave off his beard and superglue that shit on his head. Hopefully, that's what he's doing, because his "Can you spare a dollar?" beard is not the look.

Prince William looks like he's been spending the better part of the month living in a cave, feeding on squirrel tales, shitting in holes in the ground and brushing his teeth with plant leaves. Basically, he looks like he's been hanging out with those evil Olsen trolls.

Prince Hot Ginge on the other hand, looks like a big piece of hot sexy, as always. I wish I had some marshmallows, so that I could put them on his fire stick and watch them melt. We'd have S'mores without the chocolate, because I don't play that nasty shit.

Notice how Prince William is staying away from his hotter brother. He can't get too close because the heat from Prince Hot Ginge will singe his pube beard.

Here's the royals including Prince Willy, Prince Hot Ginge, Princess Cartooney Eyes and Queen Elizabeth leaving Christmas mass yesterday.

This is the kind of utter shit that is created when you give a worthless slut with a 4-year-old's brain tons of money. Wonky McValtrex took a perfectly good Bentley and doused it in Pepto-Bismal diarrhea. The Daily Mail says Wonky's new pink short bus cost her stupid ass $200,000.

Her big pink piece of trash car now matches her big pink piece of trash vagina! Actually, there's no way her snatch is pink anymore. That shit is the color of dead fingernails. Pink is the color of her wart milk. Sorry. I'm grossing myself out right before lunch.

With her new herpmobile, this dumb skank is basically asking people to egg that shit. Or at least write "I'm a dumb whore" all over it.

She will never be Angelyne.

Here's Wonky with her fake BFF being stupid while going shopping Hollywood yesterday.

Somebody put this sad, little zombie robot in a dark room, plug her into the nearest socket and tell Tommy Girl to stay away from her for at least....well...for at least forever if not longer. Homebot looks like one of the things that lives inside Amy Wino's crackhive! I want to throw holy water on her or some shit!

Those alien sores are her body's way of telling her to drop the barley water and get on a plane back to Dawson's Creek ASAP. Pacey will be waiting for her with a cup of chamomile tea and Grams will wrap her in a Snuggie.

Okay, I usually look like this after a night of boozing, bong-ing and boinking, but Stepford Katie doesn't have fun anymore, so that's not why she looks like Skeletor's peen! She looks like this because she wakes up to Tommy's creepy gay face every morning.

Gay Al is going to piss through his no-no when he see this shit! Item #42 on his cum bucket list is to have lunch with Ivana Trump just so she can raise her champagne glass and toast to her "dahling Gay Al." And look who had lunch with Ivana in NYC. Star's wearing Gay Al's dick hunting boots too! Damn, she's cold hearted.

A little birdie should tell Star and Ivana that Alaska is filled with hot eligible hunks who worship fur-wearing memaws. The hunks can be found hanging out behind Governor Sarah Palin's house. The quickest way to attract the hunks is for Star and Ivana to put on their fur coats and gallop around while howling like moose. The Alaskan hunks love that shit!

Pussy burglar alert! Although, the real Pussy Burglar wouldn't be caught dead in ripped up jeans. I mean, we're really not going to go there again, are we? Stepford Katie already tired and failed to bring back the tight-rolled jeans and now HoHan is doing this!

I used to waste many hours sitting on my bedroom floor, carefully making rips in my jeans using a razor. The rips had to look like they happened naturally. I would cut a little bit and then rip it slightly. Sometimes I would even take a cigarette and burn a hole into it, so I looked edgy and dangerous. It was so fucking stupid and here's HoHan bringing back the foolish memories! Looking at this shit is almost more painful than when your favorite mixed-tape would start warping.

I hate to say it, but she needs to bring back the leggings. And she also needs to tie her damn dick stoppin' boots!