Shut Your Hole

When someone close to you passes away, you usually mourn their death by crying, watching Sally Field movies or eating a whole tub of Breyer's. Not Michael Lohan. His daddy died and what does he do? Issue a statement to OK! Magazine trashing White Oprah. Naturally. Michael is re-defining the meaning of "famewhore." Here's his rant:

"My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina's attorney. Let's see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral.

THIS will show her true colors! Thus, not even a call. But that's par for the course with Dina! She didn't even send a card or visit when he was sick."

Pepaw Lohan was probably taking his last breaths when Michael said, "Sorry Pop! I gotta run. OK!'s offices are closing in a bit. See ya when I see ya." Even Satan is saying, "Damn. That's cold."

I'm sure he'll trash White Oprah some more while delivering his daddy's eulogy.

Will Michael please just crawl into a rotten apple already and stay there for the rest of his days.

That didn't take long. Michael Lohan has responded to SamRo and HoHan's response about his response about their response? I'm fucking confused. There's so many statements being released through so many different channels. And White Oprah still isn't involved! Coke got her tongue?

Michael released this butt fuck statement to ABC News. I picture his nostrils flaring and drool spewing out of his mouth while he said this crap:

"Who's out of control? Whose life is out of control? Give me a break. Going from place to place, being dragged around by Samantha so she can make more money off of Lindsay being there when she spins.

She's gone from making $7 million to less than a million a movie. Who's out of control? I go to church. I go and help people in rehab. That's control. How can she say I'm out of control? I want Lindsay to be in a good place. When I started looking at what Samantha was doing, dragging Lindsay to clubs, drinking around Lindsay .

Samantha is one of the biggest problems in her life.That's what Dina told me. I'm reacting on what Dina said, but then Dina steps out of the picture because she wants to look like the good guy. Dina's a two-face. She wants to try to look good and stay on Lindsay's good side instead of being a good parent. I don't give two hoots about my relationship with Lindsay as a friend. One day she's going to turn around to me and tell me, 'Daddy, you were right.?

Give daddy a Midol and a warm compress. He's out of control. And if that doesn't bring White Oprah out of hibernation, I don't know what will. White Oprah, show Michael who is the queen of statements!

Michael went on to say that he has text messages and recorded phone calls with White Oprah and HoHan. He threatened, "If they're going to say I'm lying, I'm out of control, I'm going to show that they're lying and they're out of control."

He's funny. Like he really has texts and recorded conversations with them. That's not how this family communicates! They communicate through shitty statements released to the media. His "recorded conversations" were probably pieced together using sound bites from "Living Lohan" and "Mean Girls."

Just look at what the sad horse dragged in! It's America's least favorite shameless hooker! I'm surprised Kristy Likes Cocks' album cover isn't a picture of her in an American flag bikini, holding two semi-automatic weapons with "kill the terrorists" flags shooting out of her coochie. And the label really should have went with her original album title: "Kristy Likes Jesus!"

This bitch has the audacity to pose with a weepy horse after she sent her last one to the glue factory in order to pay for her trip to the "American Idol" audition! That poor horse on the cover is thinking, "Why can't she just end my misery by sending me to the same butcher she sent her last horse to?!"

Thanks J

Amanda Beard is not bumping dicks with superhuman Michael Phelps! She denied the rumors on Johnjay and Rich's radio show yesterday morning. Amanda could have kept it simple by just saying, "No, I'm not sucking on his dolphin fin." Instead, she said "ewww" over and over again when asked about the rumors.

Amanda said, "Eww, that's nasty. I have never, ever hooked up with Michael Phelps. Come on, I have really good taste. He's really not my type." Ewww? Seriously, how old is this broad? Did she go to The Michael K School of Vocabulary? I don't remember her as one of my students.

Something tells me Amanda tried to sit on Michael's golden peen once, but she couldn't handle it. Even Sienna Miller's vagina of destruction quivers at the thought of getting near his invincible rod.

Below is the clip of Amanda bashing Phelps yesterday morning. Take an espresso shot every time she says "ewwww." Your ass will probably explode before you even get to the 2 minute mark.

It looks like there's a new feud and this one should be sponsored by Celebrex and Ben-Gay. Last week, Roseanne called Jon Voight "a frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu, who acts like Obama just wandered in from the rain forest with a bone thru his nose and a communist pamphlet in his loincloth." She also called Saint Angelina his "evil spawn." Among other things.

Jon Voight sat down at his typewriter to respond to Rosie's rant. You know the pepaw chipmunk doesn't own a computer! He probably sent his response via Pony Express. Here's the statement he issued to ExtraTV:

We can never be surprised at what vile evil comes from the mouth of a confessed victim of child abuse at the hands of her own parents.

Her parents responded to the accusations by going on the air and stating she is a psychopathic liar and her sister agreed.

Her defaming of our National Anthem in 1990 gave us insight into who she is and what she is capable of saying and doing.

My allegiance to Senator McCain becomes stronger with any assault that tries to deter my loyalty to him.

I can only pray that good people see her for what she is (sick of mind)

Vile evil? Sick of mind? Defaming our National Anthem? Flattery will get him everywhere! Seriously, Roseanne is just speaking her "sick mind." I'm Team Sick Of Mind. You can call us Team Vile Evil on the weekends.

Jon needs to stick his dentures in a cup of lukewarm water, sit in the corner and finish his porridge like a good pepaw.

That being said, there's still only one way to settle this. You know what I'm going to say! CAGE FIGHT! A cage fight in a pool of Metamucil! Jon can even wear his "pink ballet tutu." Such a pretty pepaw chipmunk!

Before rubbing snatch lips with SamRo, HoHan shacked up with Courtenay Semel, the daughter of former Yahoo CEO Terry Semel. Wait, I have a question before we get into this lezzie drama. Does she pronounce her name Courtney or Court-E-Nay? I don't think I could handle calling that bitch Court-E-Nay. I couldn't say her name without laughing. I'd have to call her Nay Nay or Courtie. Let's call her Nay Nay. So... One of Nay Nay's friends has talked to The News of the World about her love triangle with HoHan and SamRo.

Nay Nay and HoHan first met in 2006. HoHan didn't know how to deal with her gayelle feelings for Nay Nay, so she started doing a bunch of drugs. In HoHan's defense, I'd have to do a lot of drugs to make out with Nay Nay. She's not the prettiest vibrator in the sex store. Yes, there's such thing as a pretty vibrator. Here's one!

Things between Nay Nay and HoHan continued throughout 2006, but it all changed when SamRo came into the picture in 2007. HoHan and SamRo's relationship was strictly platonic at first. HoHan apparently said SamRo was "the father she never had." But does SamRo wear her cell phone on her waist band?

When HoHan checked into Promises, both Nay Nay and SamRo visited her. Nay Nay's friend said, “By now Lindsay was sending ‘I love you’ notes to Samantha and signing them ‘Lindsay Ronson’ but telling Courtenay she loved her too."

When HoHan got out of rehab, she rented a house with Nay Nay. That didn't last too long. HoHan kept bringing home dude after dude. Finally, Nay Nay had enough dick in her house and moved out. A week later, SamRo and HoHan were joined at the labia.

Nay Nay's friend said, “Courtenay still can’t understand how Lindsay is now so open with Samantha. Every time she sees a picture of them together it kills her.”

Yeah, she looks really fucking distraught. Nay Nay is now "dating" bi-sexual ladyboy Tila Tequila. Typical!

Ugh! I thought the gays were dramatic. SamRo is a definite upgrade from Nay Nay. First of all, her name is Nay Nay. Second of all, she looks like she has a lazy tongue. I mean, SamRo looks like she could get a gold medal in muff diving. Nay Nay doesn't even look like she'd qualify for the finals!

Dane Cook has taken to his MySpace to whine about the poster from a movie most of us will probably never see. Dane listed the 10 reasons why he loathes it so much.

He lost me when he said his "left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina." First of all, it's BRITNEY, bitch. Second of all, Britney's delicate vagina looks more like the beautiful bouquet that dude from "American Pie" is holding.

The only problem I have with the poster is the fact that Kate Hudson and Dane Cook's skanky faces are in it. Besides that, it's fine.

Dane's 10 reasons on why he wants to eat his own movie poster and poop it out are after the jump. Try not to scream "douche" while saying it and you'll get a prize. JUMP!!

And we're off! Michael Lohan, being the publicity hungry attention whore that he is, has issued his own statement to Access Hollywood regarding Anderson Cooper's comments about Ali Lohan looking like a 60-year-old. Click here to get the whole run down if you have no idea what's going on. Well, have a drink and an Oreo first.

Michael removed his head out of his loosey goosey ass (he was in prison) long enought to say, “I think Anderson Cooper is an opinionated, hypocritical idiot who should be an adult and keep his opinion to himself. He is the last person to judge anyone, when he and his own family have their own issues.” Don't worry his head went right back in after he issued this statement.

Let's see, White Oprah whores out her family on reality television and we're not allowed to have opinions about it? Michael needs to wipe the coke from the mirror and take a good look. He's probably creaming in his dad jeans at all the attention his family is getting over this shit.

Will Anderson Cooper please enlighten us with more of his bitchy words of wisdom? I await his guidance.

P.S. - Am I the only one that secretly wants to see Andy and Michael Lohan make out? Ugh. I feel so dirty and dark-sided. I need a cold shower.

Skank fight alert! Shanna Moakler and Kim Kardashian are in some kind of dumb feud and it all came to a "head" at a bbq in Malibu this weekend. Pieces of trash!

Shanna told The Dirty that it went down as soon as Kim's fat ass showed up, "I was at this bbq and I saw what I thought was a donkey posing on the stairs but much to my surprise, it was Kim Kardashian. No, wait, it was a donkey! She’s soooo fucking fat! She’s 5′2″ and she’s like 140. She was wearing a sarong to cover her huge big ass! I like a nice ass but hers is not a nice ass!" Okay, score 1 for Shauna.

Shanna said she tried to keep it classy, but she couldn't so she threw her drink on Kim. She went on to say, "Then, Reggie comes up and says 'YO! Be careful what you say!' And I was like 'Your girls a whore!' and he said it again - 'Be careful what you say.' and I just told him again - “Your girl’s a whore!'" Okay, score 2 for Shauna.

Shanna is apparently mad at Kim over some e-mails sent to Travis Barker. Shanna issued a "statement" to TMZ:

"Quite some time ago I received emails from her mobile device of VERY inappropriate conduct between herself and my husband at the time, that were NOT at all 'friendly' and very much 'romantically' inclined. I spoke to Kim Kardashian, asking her to please stay away from my family as we are trying to heal after a very trying time, she agreed and but failed to do so.

If I had known Ms. Kardashian was going to be at the BBQ in Malibu I wouldn't have gone. One day women will realize when you destroy families there will be angry and hurt ex-wives to deal with. I still have these emails and I won't release them as not to embarrass my ex and my family any further."

Kim also issued her own statement saying that she modeled for Travis Barker's clothing over a year ago, but has never had a romantic relationship with him. Blah...blah...blah..

For real, are we back in junior high school again? A really skanky junior high school for hookers, strippers and porn stars? I mean, these are grown ass women. Although, Shanna is kind of hot for throwing her drink on Kim.

There's only one way for these two useless skeezers to settle this: ORAL SEX CONTEST IN GREECE!

Last night, Joy Behar filled in for Larry King and had Fran Drescher on the show. The conversation somehow turned to the whole "N" word drama on "The View." That's when Fran asked Joy a question about Elisabeth, "What's with the crying? Is that how she wins battles with her husband?" No, because I doubt her husband talks to her annoying ass anymore. He just shrugs when she asks him a question and then shuffles off to his office to watch porn.

Of course, Elisabeth Hasselcrack couldn't keep her cunt hole shut about Fran's comment. She called into the show and said, "I was busy watching Hannity & Colmes and wanted to pop in and see you Joy. And I had to express my disappointment in Fran. You speak about women's rights and you certainly wasted no time in cutting another woman down....." I have no idea what she said after that because I only heard the sound of wet queefing.

I'm surprised Elisabeth didn't turn on the fake crocodile tears for Fran. Can't someone have a damn opinion without Hasslebrack moaning about it?

Clip below: