Shut Your Hole

While Michael Lohan continues to pull secret recorded audio tapes out of his ass (a trick he learned in prison), White Oprah has ordered her attorneys, The Law Offices of Harvey Birdman, to stomp over to the Nassau County District Attorney's office. White Oprah believes that Michael Lohan broke a protective order by recording their telephone conversations.

TMZ reports that in 2005, a judge granted White Oprah a protective order against Michael Lohan, which stated that he cannot contact her by phone or e-mail until 2011. One of the tapes starring White Oprah was recorded in 2008, so Michael obviously said "fuck you" to the order. Michael could be sent back to a prison cell if he's convicted of shitting on the rules.

Don't get me wrong (even though I am all kinds of wrong), Michael Lohan should be licking butt sex gravy off of his cellmate's dick in prison, but what about White Oprah. Didn't she also bust through that protective order by picking up the phone or dialing Michael's number? They need to throw White Oprah's turkey jerky ass into Michael Lohan's cell. Those two skanks deserve each other. Let them eat each other alive.

Now I have an image of them simultaneously butt munching on each other. Why do I hate myself so much?

And for Michael Lohan's sake, I hope prison jumpsuits come with fancy turtlenecks.

Finally somebody has told Joe "Bitch Better Have My Money" Jackson to go play with a metal fork and a wall socket in the corner. TMZ reports that a Los Angeles judge has told Joe that he needs to get back out on the streets with the other pimps, because Michael Jackson's estate will not deposit an allowance into his checking account every month.

Last week, Joe filed papers requesting a piece of Michael Jackson's estate. Joe whined about how his expenses are more than $15,000 a month and Michael used to help him out when he was alive. Well, the judge threw that shit out in the back and told Joe he has no legal right to that cash.

Don't you shed a tear for Joe, I'm sure he'll find a way to keep his pockets full of dollars. Maybe the Haunted House at Disneyland will hire him to scare the dick off of bitches. Who needs an animatronic devil when you've got Joe Jackson? Satan would hire Joe to do some of his dirty work here on earth, but even he's afraid of his ass! Joe has got Satan running off in fear.

At NYC's Jewish Center last night, Jon Grosselin and his new spiritual adviser (and fellow fame fucker) Rabbi Shmuley Boteach sat on thrones (THRONES) to discuss how he's beginning the road to redemption. Unfortunately, redemption is not a far off place where rabid possums devour used tampons whole. Darn.

Gawker says that they charged $20 at the door for this douche extravaganza! Think of all the things you could spend two tens on: a) a handjob and taint massage from the day-shift hooker of your choice b) a back alley colonic from a junkie with a wet vac or c) a date with Gary Coleman. All of those things sound more pleasant than sitting in the same room with Jon.

Anyway, here's what Jon had to say. Open your crotch up to get a good scrubbing:

Jon on fame: "I think I'm just misunderstood. I'm not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]. I don't sing. I don't dance. I'm not a Nobel Peace Prizewinner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC."

Let me stop him right there. NOT A FAME SEEKER? How did a trap door not open up when Jon said this while sitting on a throne......on stage....in front of an audience who paid $20 to hear him queef. Okay, carry on...

Jon on forgiveness: "It's hard for me because I can't forgive myself for the things I've done. So to ask for forgiveness from someone who may never forgive me is tough for me. I do apologize to Kate. I'm sorry for doing the things I did. I do ask for her forgiveness. I want to apologize to Kate in private. I'll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye. That was a huge mistake, because if she would've done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off. Not because our relationship is over, it's almost like a stab in the back. And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it."

Jon on Hailey Glassman: "We decided not to take a break, just slow things down, until I get through my divorce and I know everything is settled and okay. I don't want another failure in my relationships. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with Kate, with Hailey. I would just be repeating the pattern over again."

My only question for Jon is where was his Ed Hardy yarmulke to cover up his bald spot? If you're going to do it, Jon. DO IT. Speaking of, I'm not Jewish, but I think I speak for all Jews when I say, "WE DON'T WANT YOU." Actually, I think I speak for the human race when I say, "WE DON'T WANT YOU."

Here's Joe Jackson practicing his money counting skills, because he's going to be doing a lot of that once the giant bags of cash start rolling in. In an interview with Extra, loving father Joe Jackson said that his son is worth more money dead than he is alive. Doesn't that just make you want to punch yourself in the throat to keep from heaving?

When Joe realized that his constant inner monologue jumped out of his mouth, he tried to save it by saying he'd rather his son was alive. When talking about the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It, Joe queefed, "He's worth more dead than when he was alive. I'd rather have him alive. When he was living, they didn't show this."

Joe went on to say that whenever he hears a Michael Jackson song he starts to get a little teary-eyed, but no one will ever see him cry, "When I'm off to myself and I start thinking about things that we went through."

OH JOE! Keep that pimp game up. We all know Joe gets weepy, because the sound of the cash register in his head is just so moving and beautiful. And Joe doesn't ever have to worry about anyone seeing him cry. It's physically impossible for the tears to come out of his eye holes since gigantic dollar signs are always in the way.

The Empress of Lucite is currently basking in the glory of her soon-to-be-released masterpiece sex tape, and look who has crawled out from under her trough to try to snatch away Shauna's spotlight. Shauna's ex-stepdaughter Shayne Lamas, who is currently whoring out her own reality show, felt the need to blast The Empress of Lucite in a statement to TMZ. Basically, Shayne pulled down her bloomers, squatted, and then shit all over a delicate rose. This is a crime against nature. Plug your nose, stroke your lucite and read what Shayne had to say:

"It's no shock that Shauna basically gave her seal of approval on the tape. She will probably try to get producing and directing credit as well. I hear it's pretty hardcore and she does all her own stunts too!

There has never really been much of a difference between Shauna and a blowup doll... Cheap, mostly plastic and a head full of air. She is pure trash."

Normally, being called "pure trash" is the highest of compliments, but I have a feeling Shayne didn't mean it that way. Shayne better watch her tongue, because fucking with Shauna is like fucking with GOD himself! One day, Shayne will wake up with her tongue attached to her asshole. And without a tongue she won't be able to eat deep-fried Twinkies or nibble on hard peen.

And just for record-keeping purposes, here's what Shayne's stunning mother looks like:

Shayne's cunty comments are funny since her mom Michele looks like a Shrinky Dink version of Shauna dipped in formaldehyde. Every scientist will confirm that Michele is definitely 100% potent trash. And that's a compliment.

And Balloon Boy just barfed again. At an event for some weight-loss product she's pimping out for GNC, Khloe Kardashian said that she would like to have kids with her NOT-husband Lamar Odom, but she wants to be a "skinny pregnant" person like her sister Kourtney. The fact that Khloe is thinking about being pregnant at all should be enough for us to release Kate Gosselin's rabid possum head into the wild so it can rip Lamar's nuts off from the root.

Khloe told E!'s Marc Malkin, "Honestly, I just lost weight! I want to be a skinny pregnant person, like how my sister Kourtney looks so cute pregnant. I can't be a house after I just lost weight."

Yes, because everyone wants to look fucking sexy while a creature is growing inside of them and pregnant farts come wafting out of their assholes. SO HOT!

Khloe already looks like she swallowed a "skinny pregnant person" whole, so she kind of got her wish. Sort of. Right?

Michael Lohan has already burped about how he's going to stage an intervention for LiLo, because she's gobbling up pills like a late 80s popstar who was recently sent to the back of the unemployment line. Well, now Michael is saying he knows exactly who LiLo's bad shit supplier is and he's going to git him.......as soon as he finishes yapping for dollars.

Michael, who thinks he's a regular Detective La Toya (AS IF), told Radar, “This guy follows Lindsay all over the place. All over. Lindsay pays for him to go everywhere. He has no job. No job. He does nothing. All he does is supply everyone in LA.”

Since Michael was keeping his meter warm, Radar wanted to know his thoughts on White Oprah's comments about how LiLo never talks to him. Michael said, “I feel really bad that Dina would have to stoop to that level and say those things. I really think she is a beautiful person. If I was estranged from Lindsay, why is it that before she went away to Japan, when she was robbed, that she called me and I was the one who flew out there, who worked with the police, and who stayed with her?”

Michael Lohan is the worst. THE WORST (next to White Oprah). No wonder his entire family has the crazies running through their veins. If you had Michael Lohan barking at you, you would be pouring fake tan grease into your ear to deafen the sound.

And when Michael Lohan catches up to LiLo's pusher, he should ask him for something strong that will make his lips go numb PERMANENTLY.

In case you haven't heard from the crazed screaming tweens (and pedos) running down your block with tears in their eyes and blood on their wrists, Miley Cyrus left Twitter. Yes, this is a devastating blow to the spirit of this country, but we must move on as a people! However, Billy Ray Cyrus didn't take it so well. Right after his daughter signed off for good, he jumped on his Twatter and begged her to come back. This shit will give you the achy-breaky barfs.

Maybe the Twitter executives promised Billy Ray a lifetime supply of peroxide and highlight caps if he brought Miley back. Or maybe Billy Ray just doesn't know how he's going to spend his nights now that Miley is no longer Tweeting webcam pictures of herself and her friends. Yeah, that's the ticket.

But Billy Ray now understands why Miley made the OMGWTF important decision to dump her Twatter thanks to this rap video she made. I'm too old for this video. Actually, we're all too old for this shit. WARNING: This might make you want to bust into a "Goodbye Internet" rap.

Didn't Miley learn anything from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? Chipmunks should never ever rap.

White Oprah's charbroiled Slim Jim body may be on this planet, but her brain is still floating around space somewhere. White Oprah proved this in an interview she gave to Page Six at the launch of her new shoe line for mothers turned pimps who constantly have to run from dealers and CPS officers.

White Oprah got into everything from the so-called intervention for LiLo to the name of her shoe line. Make sure to put the voice of reason in your head on mute before reading it, because if you don't, you'll only hear "put a straitjacket on her mouth" over and over again.

WO on Michael Lohan's public intervention for their daughter: "I don't go -- like my ex -- on national television and make things up. He's estranged from Lindsay; he doesn't know what's going on in her life. Michael doesn't talk to her. "I've had full custody of all my children for the last 10 years. He has been incarcerated for some of that time, so whatever is going on in Lindsay's personal life is our business. And for him getting paid to say things about her when he's five months behind in child support is wrong."

WO on Michael Lohan's behavior: "I can't change Michael to make him do the right thing -- that's up to him and God. But it is hurtful for a child for her own father, whom she has no relationship with, to say things in public about her like that."

WO on Michael Lohan's claims that their daughter is eating up pills by the handful: "I have no idea what he is talking about. I can't comment on everything my ex says."

WO on the critics saying her daughter's Ungaro collection was as worthless as a dehydrated butt nugget: "The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius."

WO on bitches getting on her crackhead daughter's case: "Leave Lindsay alone. Let her be a real 23-year-old. Let her grow, and let her artistic abilities flourish. Stop judging the Britneys and the Lindsays. They are very creative girls, and that is a gift from a higher power of God."

WO on "Shoe-Han" being the name of her shoe line: "We are not going to announce the name so every Google and MySpace buys the domain name. Lindsay is signed to Ungaro, but she will definitely have input because she is so talented."

Don't read any of that out loud or two men in white coats will come into your home to drag you to the nearest crazy house. Which is what should've happened to White Oprah after she spewed that insane ridiculousness. The. Bitch. Is. CRAAAAAAAZY.

But I will agree with her about Lindsay's "creative talents." I mean, being able to snort a line from across the room is definitely a gift from a high power of GOD.

According to Michael Lohan, his daughter Blohan is in a bad way and is on the path to complete destruction. Instead of tying her to bed and getting Daddy Spears to perform an exorcism on her (using cheese grits), Michael ran off to Radar.

Michael said that right after he's done making money off of her by barfing all the details of her problems to the media, he's going to help her. Michael queefed, "I'm going to get her off the prescription drugs that she's on. I hate it when people talk about illegal drug abuse... because it's not just drinking and illegal drugs that kill you. Prescription drugs can destroy and kill a person and are sometimes harder to stop. Look at Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson."

Michael wouldn't say what kind of pills she's addicted to, but went on to say that they are ruining her life, "You know why Lindsay's not acting in feature films right now? Because she can't. Because the girl with all the talent is hidden and buried deep inside this fungus that's grown because of the prescription drugs. She can't be herself. When you hug her she's like, vacant inside. When she kisses or holds me I get chills, and not in a good way-in a bad way. She's a different person. I was out there for a week when she was living at the Sunset Marquis Hotel and I would sit there and cry. It was horrible. This was not the kid I raised. Whoever the people are that came into her life and convinced her otherwise should be thrown in jail, because they're the same type of people who are responsible for the deaths of Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson and DJ AM. Everything was fine in our family until Dina and I got divorce. And that's when all the kids' lives started to unravel... including Lindsay's."

Michael Lohan is a true poet. Now I can understand why LiLo's eating pharmacies whole, because just reading his words makes me want to feed from one of Paula Abdul's nipples.

And the biggest fungus in her life goes by the scientific name of Michael Lohan. You heard the man, throw his ass in jail!

While Michael was singing and dancing to Radar, his daughter was in Paris partying it up with Busta Rhymes.