Shut Your Hole

In yet another stellar call in the life of Jerry Sandusky, TMZ reports that he has decided to speak publicly again on his child sexual abuse allegations, but hasn't yet decided whether Oprah or Barbara Walters will be the luckiest woman alive to be graced with his presence.  He and his wife Dottie are wanting to set the record straight and clear his JeffreyDahmerwasanaltarboycomparedtoyou good name (I had to get drunk just to type that) by going on the air again and this time he's practiced so he doesn't pause when asked if he's sexually attracted to young boys.

Strangely, neither Oprah nor Barbara's camp can be reached to confirm the interview, so there's a good chance that this is all wishful thinking on the part of the Sanduskys.  I would think his showing-young-boys-how-to-shower-properly ass would have a hard time getting an interview on QVC, so I hope these ladies aren't really entertaining the idea.  And if so, I hope they make him pay them for the privilege.  His lawyer must be a glutton for punishment, both for representing him and for allowing him to dig holes in their defense with dynamite.

The Sanduskys maintain that nothing inappropriate happened, and the 52 now adults who have brought charges against Jerry are all lie tellers trying to make a little fast cash.  Um.  I know that in America you are innocent until proven guilty, but this is not so much a "where there's smoke there's fire" situation as a HOLY SHIT THERE'S A MUSHROOM CLOUD one.  So.  Good luck with that Jerry (not really) and I hope you don't land in a prison as the cell block bitch (not really).

ETA: There are 10 accusers, with 52 counts of abuse. Thanks Nit Witty for setting my ass straight.

When Jesse James opens his mouth, either words of shit or a tattooed genital wart he accidentally swallowed while licking on his skank-of-the-moment falls out. Last night, the former came out of his talk hole. The moment absolutely nobody was waiting for happened last night when Vanilla Gorilla returned to reality TV on a show that should've been called American Shit Talkers instead of American Chopper: The Build-Off. Because instead of spending all of his time building stuff, VG threw shade at the woman who was supposedly the love of his life. VG said in so many words that marrying Sandra Bullock turned him into a fake Hollywood husband and now he's sorry for that:

"I became a big shot and married some Hollywood actress and didn’t talk to anybody anymore, so I feel bad. . . I feel obligated to reconnect with all these people and show 'em that I'm still the same fabricator motorcycle guy. I'm not what I became."

Isn't this the same "some Hollywood actress" that helped raise his daughter while her mom was off being a mess? Well, it must be freeing for Vanilla Gorilla to know that the world no longer sees the "loving husband" shell he was hiding in and now sees him for what he truly is: a complete asshole. Good for you, VG. And VG didn't talk to his biker friends because of Sandra Bullock. VG literally couldn't talk to them because his mouth was always full of tattooed labia.

via UsWeekly

Chris Brown's BlackBerry keys got a serious beatdown by his fingers last night when he had himself a dramatic cunt meltdown over people bringing up the fact that he beat RiRi three years ago. If Fist Brown was completely over it the way he wants everybody to get over it, he would've ignored the Tweets, turned his mouth into the shut position and kept moving right along. But it's obviously still a sore button for his stupid piece of trash ass and so he erupted like a douche volcano and out came a stream of molten wah wah wahs that kept eyeballs a' rollin' all night long:

"I dont say shit to anybody and everyone feels its cool to attack me. GROWN ADULTS!!!! that shit happened three years ago!

TWITTER GETS WACK REAL FAST! I LOVE ALL THE POEPLE WHO SUPPORT MY MUSIC! i never said i was a LEGEND

people please grow up. Ive never dealt with so much negativity in my life! its to the point now that its just ridiculous! IM NOT A POLITICIAN! MY MUSIC DOESNT PROMOTE VIOLENCE nor will it ever! only thing it will increase is the pregnacy rate! I wake up thinking of living my life.....

YOU wake up thinking of me! NOW I REALLY CANT WAIT FOR THE AMA's! u dont have to respect me now... but u will

Global Grind says that Chris deleted most of his timeline including those Tweets above and vowed to take a break from pounding his Twatter for a while.

That is seriously the worst "LET ME BE GREAT" speech ever. Isn't Twitter's unofficial motto: it's not that serious. Seriously, it's just Twitter. When somebody Tweets some shit that doesn't agree with you, it's called "log off, shut down all systems and calm yourself on a dick." Even toddlers who throw a hissy fit over their diapers being too tight are like DAMN.

Never has something deserved a SHUT THE FUCK UP more than Chris' toddler Twitter tantrum. And I wasn't planning on sitting through the AMAs, but now I will. The only way Chris can earn my respect is by getting his jaw wired shut right after he declares a vow of every kind of silence, so I can't wait!

Movie director and shrimp-eating fapper, Brett Ratner, called into Howard Stern (via EW) yesterday to spit out a half-assed apology to GLAAD for saying "rehearsals is for fags" during a Q&A for Tower Heiest last week and he also admitted that he lied when he said that he "banged" Olivia Munn back when she wasn't Asian. With the scent of curdled goat leche and shrimp shit wafting off of his finger tips, Brett picked up the phone and said this to Howard about Olivia:

“She’s actually talented. The problem is I made her look like she’s a whore.”

Brett kept backpedaling (unfortunately he didn't backpedal off of a cliff) and gave GLAAD an "I'm Soooo SOWWY" hug for using the word fag.

“I apologize for any offense my remarks caused. It was a dumb way of expressing myself. Everyone who knows me knows that I don’t have a prejudiced bone in my body. But as a storyteller I should have been much more thoughtful about the power of language and my choice of words.”

Brett is producing the next Oscars and the president of that shit says that his comments were "dumb and insensitive" but “the apology [Ratner] gave I truly believe comes from his heart. If I didn’t believe it, I would do something about it. This is about integrity and honoring the Academy Awards, but we all make mistakes and I believe he didn’t mean it.”

That apology came from Brett's checking account, since he has a stupid movie to sell, and not his heart. That is the correction. But really. Brett Ratner is an exact stereotype of a sleazy, flea-dicked movie director who keeps a murphy bed in his office and honestly thinks he's fooling a bitch with those tragic hair plugs, so none of us should strain our emotions by being shocked when words of doucheness fall out of his mouth. Allow me to put it more eloquently: Fuck him, fuck his awful movies and fuck his sweaty piss bag of a face. Seriously, I'd rather lick a condensation drop on an overheated piss bag than go see Tower Heist. (Yes, mom, that is my way of telling you that I will not see Tower Heist with you when I visit.)

And Brett should call into Howard Stern again tomorrow to apologize for calling himself a storyteller.

Kim Kardashian released a letter to her fans about the end of her STUNT QUEEN marriage and it totally wasn't written by her publicist and doesn't smell like bull queef's at all. If you don't have the wet shits from Kardashian poisoning yet, read this mess at your own risk:

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. I see all of the support and I am so thankful for my fans, friends and family who are helping me through this difficult time.

I am trying not to read all the different media reports but it’s hard not to see all the negative ones. First and foremost, I married for love. I can’t believe I even have to defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show! I share so much of my life on a reality show, that contemplating whether to even film my wedding was a tough decision to make, and maybe it turned out to not be the smartest decision. But it’s who I am! We filmed Kourtney giving birth, Khloe getting married, break ups, make ups, our best moments and our worst moments. These were all real moments. That’s what makes us who we are. We share, we give, we love and we are open!

Everyone that knows me knows that I’m a hopeless romantic! I love with all of my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.

I’m being honest here and I hope you respect my courage because this isn’t easy to go through. But I do know that I have to follow my heart. I never had the intention of hurting anybody and I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions, and for taking everyone on this journey with me. It just didn’t turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for.

There are also reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true and it makes me so sad to have to even clarify this. I’m so grateful to everyone who took the time to come to my wedding and I’ll be donating the money for all the gifts to the Dream Foundation.

I’m sorry if I have hurt anyone, but my dad always told me to follow my heart and I believe now that I really am.

That probably sounded like nothing but ass lips slapping together to you, so allow me to translate:

"This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write, like literally. I mean, you try talking out the words for your assistant to type while sipping on a Midori beverage (sold wherever fine malt liquor is sold) during a first class flight to Australia. It's hard! Sydney, be-yotches!

I am totally reading all the different media reports, even the negatives ones, because I love reading about myself! DUH! First and foremost, I married for love of money and fame. Like a whole lot of money and fame! I can't believe I even have to defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show! I share so much of my life on a reality show, that contemplating whether to even film my wedding was an easy decision to make especially when they started throwing money at me. I love money! It's who I am! A money-grubbing fame whore! We filmed Kourtney giving birth, that big one getting married, break ups, makeups, our best moments and our worst moments. But I don't even know what real moments are anymore. That's what makes us who we are. We suck, we fuck, we take and we open our legs to anybody who shows us that camera! I love fame!

Everyone that knows me knows that I'm a heartless fame whore! I don't have a heart and I farted out my soul a long time ago. I want a family and babies so badly, but only because my mom tells me People Magazine pays like a whole ton of money for stuff like that and the pictures will be everywhere. I believed the money and the fame would force me to stay married to some asshole I don't love, but I just couldn't do it. He's gross! I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn't know how to because I'm a brainless dumb fuck and I didn't want E! to cancel that check they wrote me for the sham wedding.

I'm never honest and I don't even know what the word "respect" means, but my publicist said I should use it at least once so there you go. But I do know that I have to follow the cameras and they're not following whatshisname anymore. I never had the intention of doing anything other than making money and getting you stupid bloggers to write post after post about me. I accept zero responsibility for my actions and decisions.

There are also reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true. I made TENS of millions of dollars off of the wedding. I'm so grateful to all you suckers who took the time to come to my fake wedding and I'll be donating the money for all of the gifts to the Dram Foundation, because let's face it, I need the tax write-off.

My dad always told me to follow my heart, but since I sold mine to a weird-looking man with horns on his head a long time ago, I am following the next best thing: dollar signs! And those dollar signs are telling me to tell you that during this difficult time, please show your support by wiping away your tears with Kardashian Kleenex sold exclusively at Kardashian Khaos in Las Vegas!"

The Food Network's Guy Fieri looks like a porcupine's asshole suffocating inside of a douchebag and apparently his personality is just as pleasant. David Page, a former producer of Guy's show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, spilled all of the alleged wet shit that falls off of Guy's tongue to Minneapolis' City Pages (via Queerty) and makes him sound like a blob of cuntified cholesterol that gets weirded out by gays, thinks all Jews pinch their pockets and has no idea that women have heads above their chichis.

Hell hath no fury like a scorned producer, because David claims that Guy forced Food Network to fire him from DDD and so now he's telling everyone what a complete tool Guy is:

On women: "You have to protect Guy from all of his poop jokes," Page says. "Anytime any woman mentioned 'cream,' Guy went into a sexual riff. When cutting the show, you had to tell the editors to watch Guy's eye line, because it's always on breasts."

On gays: Fieri also needed protection from homosexuals, or at least advance warning. Early in the show's run, Page got a phone call from Fieri, who'd just walked out of a restaurant in a huff. "

Guy had decided that the two men running the restaurant were life partners," Page remembers. "He said, 'You can't send me to talk to gay people without warning! Those people weird me out!'" From then on, show researchers were required to note any indications of homosexuality detected during pre-interviews.

On Jews: "Guy said to me: 'You know, it's true: Jews are cheap.

Close up shots of gravy dripping over a giant chunk of steak fat is sometimes my idea of porn, so I watch DDD all the time. But Guy has always weirded me out with how he yells at us through the camera (like there's a concert going on and he's the only one who can hear it) and how he chomps on food with his food hole wide open. It makes delicious food look like disgusting food. If you recorded a wart hog taking a shit and then played it in reverse, that's what Guy looks like when he eats.

Guy says that David made all of this up and none of this happened. But I'm going to choose to believe David by default. I mean, how can I trust a dude who willingly makes his head look like a swollen hemorrhoid growing on a cactus and doesn't know how to wear sunglasses.

Yes, that is what my headlines look like before spellcheck. ("You use spellcheck?!" - you)

Kristen Stewart is once again saying words that were not written for her on a script and you know what that means? Brace yourself for a river of dumb. Kristen tells British GQ (via HuffPo) that because of her acting career she had to leave school in the 7th grade to be homeschooled. But it's not what Kristen wanted and she doesn't blame her parents for choosing an acting career for her instead of an education. Kristen blames the teachers! Can somebody please give her an A+++ in HAHAHAHA making.

You see, apparently Kristen's old teachers need more education themselves, because they didn't know that she's a precious snowflake who deserves a special kind of attention. As Matt Damon eye snarled at Kristen, she said this:

“School became genuinely uncomfortable. I was feeling a little self-conscious about the acting thing with my peers, but also my teachers became a problem. They didn’t want to do the extra work or put packages together so I could keep up while away.

They failed me. My teachers failed me. Not one, but all of them. I’m always slightly ashamed in a way, about what I do. I’m slightly embarrassed as I had such serious ambitions when I was younger, I just never imagined that I would ever have a reason not go to school. But then this happened.”

It's true. Shame on those teachers who worked a full day, graded papers during dinner, put together packages for sick students afterward and completely ignored the needs of Kristentitled who couldn't go to class because she had to report to a day job that paid her twenty times more than her teachers make. DECERTIFY THEM ALL!

But really, why is she even moaning about this? She's got enough cash in her chain wallet to last her the rest of her life without working, so she could, you know, quit acting and go to school. Dumb bitch is just bitching just to bitch (story of this blog, I know).

Kristen's rich, gets to say lines for a living, has a closet full of lower lips (since she's always biting hers off), a (fake) boyfriend that millions of hos twerk their clits to and a PhD in HERP DERP. What more does the bitch want?

Oh look, it's a plastic horse's ass on a plastic horse's ass.

Seen here in Brooklyn today riding on a horse's back in front of the cameras instead of riding on horse dick in front of the cameras for a change, the head ho of Pimp Mama Kris' whore ring tells Australia's InStyle magazine (via Daily Mail) that she and her punching bag of dumb husband only filmed their commitment ceremony to Lucifer, because if she didn't she'd disappoint all of her "fans."

Kim didn't do it for the millions of dollars or because she can't squirt out a wet queef without a 5-person camera crew focused on her snatch. Nope, not at all. When InStyle asked Kim why she chose to televise her wedding, she barked at 4 assistants to spread her ass cheeks apart and she pushed this answer out of her bullshit hole:

"That was a really big discussion, we took weeks to decide if we were going to film it or not, but I felt like my fans - everyone that has gone on this journey with me, seeing different relationships that I've been in - would feel cheated if I didn't film it. It was something that Kris and I were okay with, and the beauty of it is we get to edit it. It [will be] great to look back at that and see this time in our lives."

Yes, I'm sure the really big, three-week long discussion went something like this:

E! Executive: We'll pay $13 million and we'll give you five hours of airtime.
People Editor: We'll give you $2.5 million for the pictures, Kim.
Pimp Mama Kris & Kim: DONE!
Kris: Err. You're Kim? I thought you were Kourtney. Heh, that's funny. Did anybody tell you that your mom looks like the dude from Three's Company? Oh, look the eyes on those 4 dudes on horses riding towards us are so sparkly. I like sparkly..."

No, I'm joking. The conversation didn't even last that long. Kim really needs to stop acting like she didn't have her morals surgically removed to make way for silicone butt bags filled with Satan's coagulated blood. Because in the Kuntrashian world (which the earth revolves around, obviously), first comes an offer from E!, then comes a check from People, then comes a contract from Kris Humphries signing away all right to profits of the sex tape that will leak a day before their divorced is announced, and then comes a completely staged marriage! That's the equation for love Kuntrashian-style.

You might think that Johnny Depp is having a million laughs in this photo shoot, sipping on the sweet nectar and sucking on a cigar, but nope. Johnny's got a counselor waiting in his dressing room and a nurse with a rape kit standing by, because he tells Vanity Fair (via Page Six) that posing in front of a camera makes him like he's being sexually violated. Paging Kristen Stewart. Paging Kristen Stewart. Please escort Johnny Depp to the registration office of the Think Before You Open Your Fuck Ass Mouth School of Public Speaking.

Johnny said that photo shoots are to him what hydrangeas are to Madge and they just make him feel dumb and stupid. Like rape! You know, because rape makes you feel dumb and stupid. Johnny is a regular Detective Olivia Fucking Benson.

Here's the comment that made Johnny's publicist take a hammer to the BlackBerry the media calls them on while using their other BlackBerry to tell his accountant to cut a check for a victims of rape foundation STAT!

“Well, you just feel like you’re being raped somehow. Raped ... It feels like a kind of weird -- just weird, man. [I'll pose with fans], but whenever you have a photo shoot or something like that, it’s like -- you just feel dumb. It’s just so stupid.”

And Johnny also said this:

"Basically, if they’re going to pay me the stupid money right now, I’m going to take it. I have to. I mean, it’s not for me. Do you know what I mean? At this point, it’s for my kids. It’s ridiculous, yeah, yeah. But ultimately is it for me? No. No. It’s for the kids.”

But back to the rape comment. What a mess. Yes, posing in a photo shoot to promote a movie that you were paid millions to make is SUCH TORTURE! But guess what, Johnny? Unlike rape, you actually get to choose whether or not you want to pose in a three thousand dollar suit in a magazine photo shoot. No REALLY means no when it comes to that shit. So Johnny should just stay away from a magazine's camera so he doesn't feel like he just had a lunch date with Roman Polanski. That way the magazine will have no choice but to publish old pictures of him when he was in the prime of his hotness. It's a win/win for us all.

P.S. - Terry Richardson took that picture. Do what you will with that information.

If you polled a hundred people on if the Kuntrashian Klan look like a) a trio of kow gonads sprayed with a mixture of lead paint and bile; or b) a trio of transflowers, not one ho would let the letter "b" fall out of their mouth. But that's not what the Kuntrashians think. Khloe, Kim and Kourtney tell xoJane (via Radar) that when they were teenagers their dad bought them lessons with a make-up artist for Christmas and ever since then they always leave the house looking like like their tuck game is unstoppable. Let the eye rolling begin....

Khloe: We joke and we say we are like trannies because we love hair and makeup. I don’t think we necessarily need it, but we love it. But Kim, definitely, if you take off what’s on her face, her face is the exact same. She doesn't need it -- it's just like a mind thing to her. She really doesn’t need any of that on her face.

Khloe: At first we had like publicists and people who would tell us, “Girls, tone it down, stop wearing all the makeup.” But they we would read on our blogs -- like in the comments and everything -- and everyone was like, “What lipstick is this, what mascara do you use?“ We were like, "We love makeup -- so why try and be what we are not?"

It's already bad enough that Mr. Snuffaluffagus can't wander around Sesame Street without someone stopping him to say how much they love his reality show on E!, but now those KKK Kunts are offending the entire trans community with this inaccurate comparison? Stupid heffas. They wish they looked like transflowers. The only thing the Kardashians look like they're transforming from is a piece of shit into an ever bigger piece of shit. Pimp Mama Kris better lay the pimp smack down on these trash can trollops for this.