Shut Your Hole

According to Michael Lohan, his daughter Blohan is in a bad way and is on the path to complete destruction. Instead of tying her to bed and getting Daddy Spears to perform an exorcism on her (using cheese grits), Michael ran off to Radar.

Michael said that right after he's done making money off of her by barfing all the details of her problems to the media, he's going to help her. Michael queefed, "I'm going to get her off the prescription drugs that she's on. I hate it when people talk about illegal drug abuse... because it's not just drinking and illegal drugs that kill you. Prescription drugs can destroy and kill a person and are sometimes harder to stop. Look at Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson."

Michael wouldn't say what kind of pills she's addicted to, but went on to say that they are ruining her life, "You know why Lindsay's not acting in feature films right now? Because she can't. Because the girl with all the talent is hidden and buried deep inside this fungus that's grown because of the prescription drugs. She can't be herself. When you hug her she's like, vacant inside. When she kisses or holds me I get chills, and not in a good way-in a bad way. She's a different person. I was out there for a week when she was living at the Sunset Marquis Hotel and I would sit there and cry. It was horrible. This was not the kid I raised. Whoever the people are that came into her life and convinced her otherwise should be thrown in jail, because they're the same type of people who are responsible for the deaths of Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson and DJ AM. Everything was fine in our family until Dina and I got divorce. And that's when all the kids' lives started to unravel... including Lindsay's."

Michael Lohan is a true poet. Now I can understand why LiLo's eating pharmacies whole, because just reading his words makes me want to feed from one of Paula Abdul's nipples.

And the biggest fungus in her life goes by the scientific name of Michael Lohan. You heard the man, throw his ass in jail!

While Michael was singing and dancing to Radar, his daughter was in Paris partying it up with Busta Rhymes.

At yesterday's Values Voters conference in DC, reporters from both MSNBC (above) and Fox News (below) were told to shut their gaping whore mouths because the audience couldn't hear the speakers. And they were so damn polite about it too! No punches were thrown, NO MICS WERE SNATCHED (nod to Kanye) and no children were hurt.

If this was an abuelita convention, chanklas would be up asses, wire hangers would be flying across the room and bitches would have knots in their heads. Seriously, if I ever interrupted my abuelita's favorite novela (SPOILER ALERT: Carrusel), I'd get a slap in the mouth. And she'd wear all her biggest rings too.

I mean, look at Mumble McMumbles below. He's trying to shush up the Fox News reporter, but I can't understand a word he's saying. If I was the reporter, I'd be really confused and just tell the dude I'll have the veal with a glass of Merlot. Mumbles belongs in a Twin Peaks episode.

Well, it looks like TLC can officially change the title of Jon & Kate Plus 8 to Jon H8s Kate, because he announced this breaking news on the second part of his interview with Good Morning America today. In the first part of his interview, Jon said Kate treated him like a lame fish. Now he's accusing her of stealing his wedding ring (SPOILER ALERT: Her possum head ate it) and says he despises her ass! And Jon didn't stop there. He cries that Kate beat him up emotionally, constantly abused him verbally and is the reason why their marriage turned to shit.

Jon is even biting at Kate for not barfing up everything to the media and keeping some things to herself. Really, Jon doesn't hold back. Seriously, give a man his nuts back and he will go WILD.

Jon said, "Our relationship will never be fixed. I don't trust her anymore. I was abused ... I was beaten down ... I'm not going back to that lifestyle. She knows the truth. I wish to God, she would speak from emotions ... She's not speaking from the heart. Please -- the stuff you tell me in private should be the stuff you tell me on TV."

And Jon went to mouth queef about the day he finally pulled his nuts out of his ass and stood up to Kate's rabid possum, "In 10 years, I've never gone out ... When she said, 'I don't want you going out,' I ... I used to say, 'OK, I'm not going to go out.' I was very passive. This is the first time I said, 'You know what? I want to see my friends. I'm going out. That was the first time in my life I ever stood up to Kate ... I just felt like I had to take back some time in my life, and I did it. And I felt really good. I made my own decision ... I was beaten down for so long, I couldn't even make my own decision. And when I did, I was like, holy cow! You know? Yeah, what's she gonna do? Divorce me? All right. Obviously. You know."

According to Jon, he went to counseling by himself and tried to drag Kate along, but she refused to go. And finally, he ended with, "I just want to let the world know that I'm a real person with feelings. OK, I've made mistakes. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to go out to the clubs. But we all learn from mistakes, except mine are public."

When is Kate going to stick a pacifier in his mouth, throw a diaper on his ass and throw him in a playpen. We're all sick of Jon's wawawa-ing over and over again. So, his wife was a cunt to him and belittled his ass until his nutsuck busted out of there for greener pastures. SO WHAT! Jon just needs to move on already and continue to drown his sorrows in douche juice and meth brows. And I should take my own advice...sans the douche juice part. I break out in hives whenever I get near Ed Hardy shit.

Here's a few pictures of tourists visiting Pennsylvania's #1 attraction: The Gosselin Zoo!

Yeah, obviously she didn't slap him hard enough, because Chris Brown is still yap-yap-yapping away. Seriously, can't somebody give him a big piece of wood to chew on, so he can just stop already?

In an interview with People, Chris responded to a show Oprah did on domestic abuse which she dedicated to "all the Rihannas of the world." Chris, who really knows how to beat a pun (pun on pun intended), said, "I commend Oprah on being like, 'This is a problem,' but it was a slap in my face. I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could have been more helpful, like, 'OK, I'm going to help both of these people out.' "

Every time Chris opens up his beaver mouth, out comes a shovel which continues to dig his grave. Lay down and shut the dick up already, Chris! I mean, didn't the judge stuff a gag in his mouth? It's obviously not tight enough.

Oprah quickly released a response to Chris' response: "Oprah is very appreciative that Chris Brown performed at her school, but she takes domestic abuse very seriously. She hopes he gets the counseling he needs."

And that was a slap. Chris, this is Oprah's way of kindly saying to stop barking up her tree or she'll put you in the audience for her "Favorite Things" show. Seriously, only 5 out of 6 bitches come out alive from that show. Speaking of...

Next up on Oprah: Oprah reveals her LEAST Favorite Thing: CHRIS BROWN.

(Image: Wireimage)

First of all, try to control yourself. I know Phil Spector's mug shot always makes you want to run out to the nearest costume shop, buy a Scrooge mask, boil it for 5 hours, let it cool and then wet hump it until you go raw....but you must resist. Just this time.

So...600-year-old Phil Spector is currently in the chokey for murdering Lana Clarkson. Phil is crying about the conditions and wants them to do something about it! Dude already wears a diaper, so it's no surprise that he's acting like a baby.

Phil is being moved out of the California Substance Abuse Treatment Facility & State Prison after he told officials that he feels like bitches are going to kill his ass in there. When Phil was told they were moving him to the Pleasant Valley State Prison in Coalinga, he freaked out again and said the place is riddled with Valley Fever. Apparently, 16 inmates died at the prison from Valley Fever within the past 4 years. Phil think he's next.

Phil's trophy wife is also whining for him and she told Page Six, "They are sending Phil there to die. He is scared to death. When I saw him on Saturday, he was shaking . . . He's 70 years old and 130 pounds . . . We are trying to appeal over this, but he's been told he has no time. He's already been given his bus pass out of Corcoran."

The prison officials should show Phil what's it's really like to suffer and throw him in a jail cell filled with mirrors. Seriously, I'd rather spend the rest of my life locked in one of the houses on Hoarders than have to look at that face of fugness every single day. Phil would be begging for a lethal injection shot up the ass in no time.

On Thursday night in Los Angeles, a discarded tampon and a pre-owned butt plug got into a fight at Guys and Dolls nightclub. We've already heard Brody Jenner's version of the douche battle royale and now here's Joe Francis'.

Joe tells E! News that contrary to Brody's version, he never delivered a massive beat down on Jayde Nicole. Joe said that he was minding his own business when Jayde pushed at him and threw her drink all over him. Joe said he might of "accidentally" pulled her hair when he turned around to confront her, but never punched her in the face or kicked her. The next thing Joe knew, Brody was beating his ass and ripping his shirt off. For some reason, that last part didn't make my b-lips tingle. It made them wrinkle up even more.

Joe said that the security tapes will show what really happened, "I'm the victim. Brody hit me in the face. I've never hit a girl in my life and the accusation disgusts me." Then Joe said that Brody has a million issues including having "smallest penis in Hollywood." This coming from one of the biggest DICKHEAD in Hollywood.

In Brody's defense, Joe does have a face that was produced by Everlast, because you just want to punch it. I'm sure that most of you are sitting on your fists right now (use lube) to keep from punching your monitor. It's a natural reaction to seeing Joe's butt plug of a face.

As for Brody having the tiniest peen rod in all the land, bring us proof, Joe! We know you have a giant picture of it hanging in front of your dildo chair.

When the doctor finally delivers Kourtney Kardashian's baby, he's probably going to wonder why chunks of its umbilical cord are missing. You tell the doctor that baby had no other choice but to tears off pieces of it to stick in its ears, because Kourtney would not shut the damn hell up!

Since Kourtney announced that she is knocked up, she hasn't stopped talking. If you drive by her house, you'll find her standing out front, mindlessly blabbing to the air. If you threw a soda can at her head, she'd keep on yapping. She wouldn't even notice.

Some pregnant women get morning sickness, but Kourtney has morning/noon/night sickness, because she won't stop barfing up words!

We already know way too much, but Kourtney is still telling us more. Here's a few quotes from just the past couple of days.

Kourtney to Life & Style: "My baby saved my relationship!"

Kourtney to UsWeekly: "I think I'd pose nude while pregnant. I think so. I'd have to think about it."

Kourtney to UsWeekly: "You know what's weird? Like, I always thought, like, if I was pregnant I would eat like, McDonald's or like, Taco Bell all day long or something. I'm not craving those things. Like, I've been craving, like, cold stuff like frozen yogurt and smoothies and like, I've been eating way more fruit then I used to eat before."

Kourtney to E! Online: "I don't think I have ever changed a diaper."

Kourtney to E! Online: "I used to think, ‘Oh, just get a C-section and it's done and easy and whatever.'"

Kourtney to E! Online: "I got tuna on a bagel and pickles and sauerkraut and then bagel chips dipped in thousand island dressing. But after that, I literally went home because I was so tired. I made Scott come home and take a nap with me."

Kourtney to People: "Definitely you want to spoil your kids. But I want them to learn responsibility and want them to make their own money. My dad taught us that."

Kourtney to People: "I think I am strict. "Even [my younger half-sisters] Kendall and Kylie say, 'You are going to be the meanest mom,' because one time at Disneyland I yelled at Kendall because she was throwing a brat attack, because my mom wouldn't buy her a Tinkerbell shirt ... I was like, 'That's not how you teach your kids!' "

Kourtney to the birds flying by in the sky: "Blahblahblah....like blahBABY...like blahblahblahBABY"

Brooke Hogan's album sold 3,500 copies (Yeah, that many) or some shit in its first week, so shouldn't she be dusting off her shelves for all the Grammys she's going to receive or perfecting her tuck game for her massive stadium world tour? You would think. But instead, Brooke Hogan is out giving interviews to Sirius where she's busting on everyone from Beyonce to Cassie to camels (aka her mom):

On Beyonce: "She needs to go and make some babies and chill."

On Cassie's nekkid internet pictures: "Don't show it if it's not right. It's all stretched out."

The funny thing is that Beyonce probably doesn't even know what a Brooke Hogan is. Bitch probably thinks it's a sandwich at Quizno's (lukewarm roast beef served on a stale flat bun with a heaping dollop of bullshit sauce on top). As for Cassie, Brooke is just jealous. Brooke can tuck her dick in between her thighs and pretend she has a vag all she wants, but we all know the truth. And Cassie's "stretched out" vagina is still a zillion times prettier than Brooke's "sperm-count killing" face.

The majority of bitches on Twitter seem to agree. I just spent the last 30-minutes taking notes on the bitchery against Brooke happening on Twitter. Here's just a taste:

arckaye @brookehogan ♥ I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you.

seanblendy @brookehogan Is it possible for your balls to drop lower than your album did?!

Brodi_Avalon @BrookeHogan . Remember, you can't spell " Brooke Hogan " without " Broke Ho"

VIA ONTD

Candy Spelling needs a shot of Lithium in her tongue, because she is bipolar as fuck. Last week, Candy sent off an open rant to TMZ about how Tori is a middle-aged reality TV whore blah blah blah oink blahz snort blahz. TMZ must have stopped returning her cries of crazy, because this week, she ran off to USA Today and had this message for her daughter: "I love you, and I always will." Candy, do not drag Dolly Parton into your mess!

Candy went on to yap that she wrote the letter to TMZ, because she didn't like how she was portrayed on Tori's reality show. Candy also said why she never talks to Tori, "My daughter doesn't like the telephone. She doesn't answer. I text her. I have left messages. I've looked for her at the trough. I've e-mailed her, and she doesn't respond." And she went on, "It could be years of disappointment. Maybe someday she'll get it. She's my daughter. I may not approve of everything she does, but I love her." And on..... "They (her grandchildren) are living a different life than my children lived as they grew up, and I wanted them to know some of how their mother grew up, and some of our wonderful memories."

Does Candy ever shut the dick up? Tori can't talk to her mother, because every time she opens her mouth to say something, Candy probably starts yammering on and on and on.... No wonder the Spellings had like a million rooms in their houses. It was so the entire family could escape Candy's constant yammering. Someone put an apple in her mouth already! LUAU

And why should Tori bother picking up the phone when she's going to read about it in Life & Style, the PennySaver, Craigslist, her fortune cookie etc... etc... etc.....

Image: Fayes Vision/Wenn.com

Today is Thursday, which means it's time for your weekly brain colonic, because the new issue of GOOP is out. Although, let's leave this week's newsletter alone (it's about books, blahg) and talk about an interview Fishsticks Paltrow gave to People Magazine at last night's Champions of Hope Benefit Gala in NYC. Cacaness.

Somebody needs to hand me a sharp needle, so that I can pop the gigantic fart bubble Fishy has been living in. This ho said that she's a gift box of OMGamazing information and that people get on their knees and thank every God for GOOP. Fishy queefed, “People are so grateful that it’s free. It’s just nice to share what you have. And I have all this great information. It’s just a gift. People want me to do all this other stuff. But right now, I just really love doing the site. I love thinking about the letters, what I’m going to write about, what kind of information we can put in there.” You know where you need to put that information, Fishy? Fart to get a clue.

Seriously, what is she teaching the world?! How to roast a stupid ass dumb ugly chicken? Even Sandra Lee's drunk ass could probably teach us that. The keyword being "probably." And what's with this "grateful that it's free" mess? People who read every line of GOOP are paying dearly. They are paying with their soooooouuuuuuuuuuuuls. Seriously, ask for a receipt.

Here's a few pictures of Princess POOP last night wearing a dress decorated with Glamberace's glittery jizz load.