Shut Your Hole

My thoughts exactly, baby with a bear.

The pus trickling out of an open sore on 2006's taint issued a sorry statement through GLAAD last night and let out a stream of sowwies for the things she said on a recording that was secretly taped by a cab driver. Parasite Hilton was caught saying that "gays are disgusting," "most of them have AIDS" and that she'd never want to be a gay guy, because she'd die of AIDS. As Parasite kicked at her closed closet door to stop the starving chihuahuas in there from crying for food, her publicist typed this out:

As anyone close to me knows, I'm a dumb piece of shit I always have been and always will be a huge supporter of getting publicity the gay community. I am so not sorry and so not upset that I caused pain to my gay friends, fans that don't exist and their families with the comments heard this morning. I was having this private conversation with a friend of mine who is gay and our conversation was in no way towards the entire gay community but only towards the ones with AIDS. EWW!. It is the last thing that I would ever want to do and I cannot put into words because I'm too fucking stupid to do so how much I wish I could take a cock right now back every word.

HIV/AIDS can hurt anyone, gay and straight, men and women. It's something I don't take very seriously and should not have been thrown around in conversation.

Gay people are the the most disgusting and horniest strongest and most inspiring people I know. It is so wrong when people bully or put down others for being gay. No one should have to go through that. Again, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart and the joke is on you because I don't have a heart I feel absolutely happy that my name is actually coming up in Google Alerts in the year 2012 horrible. I hope that everyone can accept my apology and know that it is not who I am or how I feel in any way.

Thank you for taking a minute to read this shit I didn't write, I love you unless you're a gay dude, a black person or have a gross disease. EWW!.

I can actually appreciate Parasite's fake apology, because if she didn't issue one, Chick-Fil-A would've hired her as their new spokeswhore and then we'd see her disfigured ostrich face everywhere.

Kristen Stewart is the face of a perfume (that surprisingly isn't made by Hazmat or RAID), has been on the cover of dozens of fashion magazines, made millions of dollars from being the fifth layer of crust on the cultural loogie called Twilight, but yet there's one thing she won't collect a check for and that's a make-up campaign. Every time Kristen Stewart opens her mouth, either Rupert Sanders' tongue goes in or a stream of wet stupid shit comes falling out. This time, KStew spewed up the stupid to Germany's Glamour magazine (via CM & TI) when they asked her about leasing her face out to Balenciega's fragrance. KStew said that she didn't sign her face over to Balenciega because they waved the biggest stack of money at her, she's with them because the brand spoke to her:

"Balenciaga has always stood out to me. Even when I first began to consider fashion and admittedly rarely knew the brand I was wearing, I always knew and loved Balenciaga. It feels full circle to be involved with something that spoke to me then and of course continues to excite me now. The brand is just cool. That's the way it is."

Dear the brand of Balenciaga, the next time you speak to KStew, tell her to bite on a stick of cállate.

And then KStew said something that will make every make-up artist that works on her face scribble "STFU TWAT" on her forehead with a permanent marker:

"I would never work with people who aren't really creative and aren't committed to what they do. Unfortunately, there are a lot of those people out there, they are fucking everywhere, and they try to suck the soul out of you. For example, I would never do a make-up campaign, even though the [final] photos with me would probably look good. Thank you, but it doesn't interest me."

Most of us graduate from that "I'm unique! I'm special! I listen to Morrissey so I know things!" phase when we leave the 7th grade, but KStew refuses to do this. Bitch, you're in Twilight!

KStew never has to worry about someone sucking her soul, because you need a soul in order for a ho to suck it out of you. Trying to suck out KStew's soul is like trying to suck off Shia LaBeouf. There's nothing there to fill your mouth and you just walk away feeling gross on the inside. I'm pretty sure KStew also doesn't have to worry about someone asking her to do a make-up campaign. Unless Phaedra Parks is looking for a walking corpse to be the face of her own brand of mortician's wax, I doubt KStew is going to get a makeup campaign anytime soon.

(Thanks, Cindy Loo Who) 

Kim Kartrashian's staged marriage to that Geico Caveman lasted about as long as your average Ryan Seacrest queef, made her millions of dollars and the hardest thing she had to do was act like she cared about it ending. And that's exactly like beating cancer! When a cancer patient goes through several rounds of chemo, loses their hair, barfs all day and goes through several radiation treatments, the first thing they say after they're able to open their mouth without a doctor shoving another pill in there is: "I now know how Kim Kardashian feels!"

Humanity's talking butt kancer was farting at the mouth to The Guardian (via Complex) about how hard her life is when this shit nugget came out while discussing her stupid divorce:

"We decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life [brace yourselves], like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She's 18. And I was like, that's how I feel."

If reporters insist on interviewing Dim Karkrashian, they should talk to the ass on her bottom instead of the ass on her neck, because they'll get more intelligent answers, but that's not saying much. I swear, I just kan't with this kunt.

(Thanks, Dana!)

The shameless, whore-wrangling pimp who sold her prized pig's sex tape to the highest bidder and will gladly sell one of her younger daughters to a sheik if they don't bring in their monthly quota is calling out Mama June from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Apparently, Pimp Mama Kris thinks it's wrong that Mama June is whoring out her young daughter for money. Yeah, so save me a seat in the emergency room waiting room, because we'll all be there after we overdose on the irony in this post.

A source tells Radar that Pimp Mama Kris' eyes are usually green from always seeing dollar signs, but lately they've been green with envy, because Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is a big hit. PMK is threatened, because she's no longer the big pimp on the ho stroll. PMK believes that her family is nothing like Mama June's family, because the Kardashians are redefining class with every pinky they lift while sucking a black dick on camera. This is what the pot thinks about the kettle:

“To say Kris is not a fan of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is an understatement. She thinks the Thompsons are classless, unlike her family and can’t understand why America is so fascinated by them. Kris especially has a strong dislike for June, claiming the beauty pageant world is vile and that June is a bad mom for 'exploiting' Alana in that way. Kris think it’s all a ploy to make money, and says she sees through it and thinks it is absolutely disgusting."

The words "Would you like to buy my daughter's sex tape?" have come out of PMK's mouth before, so I totally believe that quote came out of her mouth too. PMK's Gopher-in-ten-cent-drag-looking ass is as delusional as she is shameless. But what PMK needs to see is that if you sucked all the plastic from her face, replaced her chin with an exploding can of Grands! biscuits, took away her millions of dollars, added 200 pounds of hardened pancake batter to her body and gave her a sense of humor, she'd be just like Mama June. They're the same. Pimps shouldn't piss on other pimps. Let the hos do that. Pimps should support each other. Say the oath with me, PMK: "Pimps up, hos down."

Since Shia LaDouche is really method, he's forever farting out douche dingles from his mouth to prepare himself for the day he plays the title role in The Summer's Eve That Never Ends: The Shia LaDouche Story. That explains what came out of Shia's mouth when he talked to The Sunday Times (via The Daily Mail) about why he stopped humping on Carey Mulligan. Carey didn't dump Shia because she was sick of spraying RAID on her chocha every time they bumped parts. Carey also didn't dump Shia because she woke up one day, smelled the dirty douche water and realized that's not what she wanted to do with her life anymore. Shia says that they broke up, because Carey wanted a wedding ring on her finger and babies in her belly.

"Carey is not just an actress, she is a great human being, a sweet girl and super intelligent. Our thing came down to not having compatible work/lifestyles. We were always travelling, and had sensibility differences that weren't conducive to living with one another. I'm harder on myself and my surroundings than she is, and we had a culture shock in terms of meeting her parents and vice versa. Sensibilities, cultures, histories. There were differences, that's all.

She's happy as hell right now, and we wouldn't have been able to make it like that. She was chasing marriage, family, kids more than I was. I'm not opposed to marriage. I just think I'm quite young. I come from divorce. I'm only doing marriage once. It's not a game for me. I'm not a religious person, but I have ethics."

Okay, okay, I take back what I said about that quote being just another dehydrated menstrual berry spat out by Shia. Shia actually did a good thing for Carey. It's always nice when you don't have to stretch your muscles by dodging a greasy bullet because the greasy bullet did you a major favor by dodging you instead. A real act of kindness.

Since Shia LaDouche already made millions upon millions of dollars from doing shit shows like the Transformers franchise, he's getting all uppity and throwing an eff you at the studios who made him a star. Shia is out promoting the sort-of-indie-but-not-really movie Lawless and he tells The Hollywood Reporter that from now on, it's only indie movies for him. The studios can chew on the beady beads on his dirty taint, because he's done with them. Shia praised the smaller film companies for letting filmmakers like Lars Von Trier and Terrence Malick do what they want to do without sniffing up their b-holes:

"These dudes are a miracle. They give you the money, and they trust you -- [unlike the studios, which] give you the money, then get on a plane and come to the set and stick a finger up your ass and chase you around for five months."

Wait, so let me get this right. When you make a big-budget studio film, you get paid tens of millions of dollars, you're not even expected to act that good in it, you can request any snacks you want from Craft Services, you get a team of assistants that will do anything for you including massaging your teeth if you want AND on top of all of that you get a finger up your ass? And Shia is complaining why?! Sign us all up! No wonder John Travolta does all those big-budget piece of trash movies. It's all about a finger nail tapping on your happy area (aka your prostate).

Here's whiny ass Shia at the NYC premiere of Lawless last night where he met Radioman! Can't somebody cast a Freaky Friday spell on these two, because Radioman should be the one who's a movie star.

And nothing grows under shade, which is the opposite of what The Lesbeaver thinks should be happening on Prince William's dome.

Justin Bieber is a come-to-life Beautiful Crissy doll and so he's lucky that he was born with a built-in knob that Selena Gomez turns every time he wants his luscious mane of golden unicorn tails to grow longer. But Justin doesn't understand why everyone wouldn't want a hairy helmet of brown rainbows on their head like his. While talking to something called Rollercoaster Magazine (via Showbiz Spy), the bunny shit-brained baby bimbo threw hate at Prince William's field of stray hairs and asked if they have Propecia in England.

"I mean, there are things to prevent that nowadays, like Propecia. I don't know why he doesn't just get those things, those products. You just take Propecia and your hair grows back. Have you not got it over here?"

Justin is totally right. Prince William needs Propecia or Rogaine or whatever Lucy put on Ricky's head during that hair-growing episode. And when Prince William is done with it, he can give his leftovers to Justin, so Justin can splash some on his Barbie crotch and maybe grow a pube or two.

Here's Prince William, Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Kate being royal dorks at an Olympic cycling event yesterday. I love that they're wearing ID badges and I'm guessing the only thing on their ID badges, besides a picture, are the words: "Bow down, bitch."

If you only focused on the lyrics "tar pit trap," "meat-eating orchids," and "umbilical noose" in Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box, you'd totally know that Kurt Cobain wrote that song about Courtney Love's pussy. Well, just in case Lana Del Rey doesn't know that Courtney's punane was the inspiration for "Heart-Shaped Box," Courtney let her know over and over and over and over again on Twitter. Llama Del Taco yawned out HSB during a show in Sydney and the cover somehow made its way into Courtney's ears. Courtney immediately poked at Lana on Twitter (via ONTD) and kept going on about how her dumpster-shaped death hole is a muse. Every time Courtney openly talks about her vagina, a peen gets cancer, turns black and falls off before it can be eaten.

While performing that song, Lana sounds like she's dying a slow, painful death, so she was definitely thinking of Courtney Love's vagina while singing it.

But really, while singing HSB, Lana sounds like a dozen tortured souls screaming for mercy from a bottomless pit in the afterworld and that's exactly the same sound that comes out of Courtney's cooch when she queefs. So Lana's cover was a beautiful and fitting tribute to Courtney's tar pit trap pussy.

When Chloe Sevigny screams, "Who the hell do I have to suck off in a Vincent Gallo movie to get Valentino to lend me a dress?", everyone at Valentino whistles, plays with their thumbs and looks at the ceiling. Valentino is not trying to lend Chloe Sevigny a dress to wear. Whatever issues you're suffering from today, stop, because Chloe Sevigny has a bigger problem than you.

Before the London premiere of her miniseries Hit & Miss, Chloe asked 20 fashion houses to send her dresses to wear on the red carpet. Only 2 designers sent her a dress. HA. So Chloe whined to Out about how even though she's a huge fashion icon, she still can't get a designer dress without pulling her credit card out. No respect!

"Aren’t I one of the top searches on Style.com, for crying out loud? How hard is it to get a fucking dress from Valentino?"

Hey, Valentino, please sew one of your labels on a piece of used toilet paper and send it to Chloe, so she has something to wear and can stop bitching. Actually, she would wear that and it would look a lot better than the shit she normally wears.

And I don't know if Chloe is the top search on Style.com, but I know for a fact she's the top search on GetOverYourselfAsshole.org.

Before we get into this mess, let me remind you what John Mayer said about Jennifer Aniston in 2010:

"There was a rumor that I had been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.'..."

And Jessica Simpson:

"That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me... Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm..."

And how his body lotion jingle of a song "Your Body is a [size 2, vajazzled] Wonderland" is supposedly about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

So now, John Mayer has painful sores on his ass lips that secrete sad tears, because Taylor Swift kicked him hard in the b-hole with her song "Dear John" (not to be confused with the far more superior "Dear John" song). The song is supposedly about how John Mayer's David Duke dick dipped into Taylor's precious 19-year-old cherry orchard for a second and quickly dropped her to move on to the next scratch mark in his wooden bed post. John tells Rolling Stone that it was cheap songwriting on Taylor's part and she never even e-mailed him to tell him the song existed. It's raining WAH WAH WAH tears on this Summer's eve:

On how he never even hurt Taylor's dewicate feewings: "It made me feel terrible. Because I didn't deserve it. I'm pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that. It was a really lousy thing for her to do."

On how the real-life Anne of Green Gables got used douche water on her the tip of her pink cowboy boot by kicking him at his lowest: "I never got an e-mail. I never got a phone call. I was really caught off-guard, and it really humiliated me at a time when I'd already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you've ever been, someone kicked you even lower?"

On what he thinks Taylor meant by the line "Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?": "I don't want to go into that."

On how Taylor turning her burn book into songs is a cheap move: "I will say as a songwriter that I think it's kind of cheap songwriting. I know she's the biggest thing in the world, and I'm not trying to sink anybody's ship, but I think it's abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, 'Wait till he gets a load of this!' That's bullshit."

John Mayer is a dumb bitch for not knowing that when you mess with Taylor Swift, she's going to write all about you in yumberry-scented ink on purple pastel paper and eventually turn that journal entry into a hit song that drunk high school girls will sing to on Karaoke Revolution for years to come. Taylor Swift is a dumb bitch for writing a song about dumb bitch John Mayer and not knowing that he's the president and founder of the Hit It And Quit It Club. John Mayer is the Peter Pan of douchebags and Taylor Swift is the Peter Pan of songwriters. They both need to grow up. And yes, I typed "they both need to grow up" right before I farted in my palm to smell it.