Shut Your Hole

You can always count on the sad melting bull dog's asshole that is Joe Jackson to bring the crazy. Joe did just that on Larry King last night. Larry asked Joe about the allegations that he beat Michael Jackson. Joe said he made no mistakes as a father and never beat his son. Surprisingly, the clouds didn't go dark and a giant bolt of lightning did not strike Joe down. No. Joe went on to skip through the fields of crazy by blaming the media and said beating started in the slave days. Then, he said something about how a lot of parents spank their kids.

Come on! Joe knows the difference between a pow pow on the nalgas (that's what mothers call it these days, right?) and a whipping with a switch. Abuelita's everywhere just gave a "HUH?" side-eye to that last part.

Michael Jackson's dermatologist, Dr. Arnold Klein, has been tap dancing on the talk show circuit for the past few days and bitch is starting to trip up. There have been a million rumors floating around that Arnie is the bio-daddy of Michael's kids.

When asked about it by Good Morning America, Arnie said, "To the best of my knowledge, I am not the father." Last night on Larry King, Arnie once again said he didn't think he was their father. However, he admitted that he donated his sperm to a bank, but doesn't know if his baby batter (barf, wipe, barf, wipe, etc...) was ever used. Arnie went on to yap that he's willing to submit to a DNA test and he will collect checks from take care of Michael's children if he is their bio-father.

One theory going around is that Arnie and Debbie Rowe had an affair (picture two disabled pit bulls awkwardly licking each other's nutsacks) which produced Prince Michael and Paris. Arnie told Larry last night that he thinks Debbie should get custody of the kids, because Michael's mother is too old and Joe Jackson is crazy. Hey, Pot, I'd like to introduce you to Kettle!

The part that made my throat fart was when he said that we should all just leave the children alone. Slowly suck on your own advice, Arnie. After you do that, swing by Howard K. Stern's house, find a private place together and then stick your head up each other's asses. If you need some assistance in this, both Bubbles and Sugar Pie will help you.

Open wide, it's time for a large serving of CUNT STEW. Actually, this time it's CUNT PAELLA, because Fishsticks Paltrow is taking us to Spain! It's like her second home (Hell being her first). In true Fishsticks fashion, she couldn't just say "I LOVE SPAIN." No, she had to add that the United States sucks dirty ass, because there's not a building here that was made before 1991.

In an interview with the Associated Press (done entirely in Spanish, of course), Fishy yapped, "It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible. Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more. They aren't running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don't always have their Blackberries on."

Fishsticks really knows EVERYTHING about Spain. On Sunday afternoons, Pedro Almodovar takes Spanish lessons from Fishy so he can be even more "Spanish-ier." It's true.

In possibly related news, the entire population of Spain just moved to Antarctica.

Those Hilton dumpsters really know how to be massive cuntoids (and not in a good way). Nicky Hilton must have gotten bored with laughing at people inside of the club, so she took her bitch act outside to cackle and point at the sad saps who couldn't get in.

Page Six says that Nicky and her dick bag boyfriend David Katzenberg sat outside of East Hampton's Lily Pond club on Saturday night laughing at all the rejects. A source said Nicky "stayed outside, hysterically laughing every time someone wasn't let in. She was loving it."

This hag needs to wipe the coke dust off the mirror and have a good look if she wants a real laugh. Bitch looks like the reflection of a downsy pony in a funhouse mirror.

Where was a drunken Lizzie Grubman in her SUV when you needed her? Lizzie, this would've been a perfect time for an encore performance. You disappointed us all!

Well, that was fast. Michael Jackson hasn't been buried yet and Debbie Rowe has already opened up her no-lips to the media. In an interview with the prestigious and well-respected News of the World, Debbie started by saying, "Where's my cashiers check?" Then she went on to say that Prince Michael and Paris are not her ex-husband's biological children. Debbie says the sperm came from a donor and not from MJ. Oh, Debbie, you should teach a master class in class and taste.

Debbie could never talk about any of this before, because she signed a confidentiality agreement before she skipped off with a large bag of MJ's money. But now that he's gone, let the famewhoring begin!

Debbie said, ""I was just the vessel. It wasn't Michael's sperm. Just like I stick the sperm up my horse, this is what they did to me. I was his thoroughbred." And this is the part where my brain vomits...

While she was pregnant with Prince Michael, MJ wanted to marry Debbie so they could look like a perfect family. They never sexed it up together or even kissed on the lips.

After Debbie gave birth to Paris, she learned that she could never have kids again, "The delivery was so hard. My insides were all torn up and I was barren. When he knew I couldn't have any more babies he didn't want anything to do with me."

MJ reportedly bought her a house and gave her millions of dollars to go away. Debbie says she will not fight for custody of Prince Michael or Paris, "I know I will never see them again. I was never cut out to be a mother - I was no good. I don't want these children in my life. My children are my animals now."

If any of this is true, you better believe that some dumb ho is going to crawl out of a roach motel and declare he's "the sperm donor" just so he can get a piece. On a very special Maury.....

Debbie isn't the only bitch spilling the Jesus Jesus. The London Times has a long ass suspect interview with Nanny Grace, who worked for MJ for years. In the interview, Nanny Grace claims she pumped Michael's stomach of drugs many times. She also says he was so broke that she had to buy balloons for Paris' birthday using her own money. I gave a side-eye to that last part. I mean, Nanny Grace also says the last time he paid her was in 2008, so where did she get this money for balloons?! Nanny Grace, try harder!

This video of a gay exorcism of a 16-year-old boy has been making the rounds for a couple of weeks, but I saw it for the first time yesterday on the news. It's all sorts of fucked up. The Manifested Glory Ministries Church of Bridgeport, Connecticut posted the 20-minute long video on YouTube, but quickly yanked it off after it created a ton of controversy (go fucking figure).

In the video, the kid is seen writhing on the floor as the pastor summons the "gay demon" out of him by shouting shit like, “Rip it from his throat! Come on, you homosexual demon! You homosexual spirit, we call you out right now! Loose your grip, Lucifer! Come out of his belly...It's in the belly - push.”

It's kind of ironic that bitches have shouted the same shit at me during homosexual exercises.

Do these crazies really think they are going to get the "gay demon" out by shouting that dark-sided stuff at it? Stupid fucks! They have to tell it that it looks hot in skinny jeans. They have to bring it the AbFab box set. Woo it a little. But seriously....

They need to leave that kid alone and try to drive the gayness out of my body instead! Come at me, bitches! We'd be there for days, weeks, months, years. Trust me, it's not going anywhere. They would probably drop dead from exhaustion or hunger while I just sit there shaking my head while saying, "Nope." Saying shit like "Rip it from his throat," will only make me crave ze cock even more. They'd probably throw up their arms and finally say, "Fuckit. Let's go get Sex on the Beaches at the local gay bar." That is a battle they will lose.

Source: LA Times (Thanks Kevin)

Tuck your pussies in and grab your Valtrex, because we are all getting on the Rock of Love WAAAAAHMBULANCE.

Right after the hottest piece of scenery in the industry knocked Bret Michaels on his nasty ass at the Tony Awards, he sort of shrugged it off and said it really wasn't a big deal. Now that he's realized he can milk the shit out of this situation for attention, he's crying a different story. Bret posted these pictures of his busted face on his MySpace along with a total STFU statement.

While we are clapping for whoever was responsible for bringing that set piece down on Bret, he's blaming them. Bret said that he was never "informed that the descending set piece existed, let alone would be moving into position as he was exiting the stage." Bret was also pissed that a rep for the Tony Awards said Bret had missed his mark and that's why he got laid out by a super hot piece of scenery (Is it obvious that I'm love with a set piece?). Bret moaned that the Tony people would have cared more if this happened to Dolly Parton, Liza or Elton John.

I think Bret's weave-danna is on too tight. Liza and Dolly are LEGENDS! If a set piece fell on them, the world would stop and we'd all hold our breaths until we were told there wasn't a scratch on them. Which there wouldn't be, because they are both coated with some kind of scratch-proof substance.

Bret added that he doesn't know how bad his injuries are until his x-rays come back. He must have gone to some back alley free clinic where it takes weeks for x-rays to be processed. Their idea of an x-ray is shining a really bright flash night on his injuries while some crackhead draws a picture of it with a Sharpie. Stupid ass.

Bret is such a wittle baby. The whores on Rock of Love who attempt to eat his asshole probably suffer worse injuries than that. Put a bag over your head and stop whining.

I love how even though he's busted up he's still giving us a "Sexy Can I?" face.

VIA TMZ

When Phil Spector was stuffed into a prison cell to serve 19 years for killing Lana Clarkson, he left behind his 28-year-old (don't choke) wife of 3 years Rachelle. During the trial, Rachelle wasn't allowed to whore herself out to the media, but now that it's over she can barf words from her mouth all she wants! Rachelle's first stop was the Los Angeles Times. Even though Rachelle loves to show off the 9-carat diamond ring on her finger, she wants the world to know that she's not a gold miner. Nope, she married Phil for *love*. Gag me with a fucking crimping iron.

Rachelle said that if she was a gold digger, she wouldn't be visiting Phil in prison any chance she could and she also wouldn't be licking on his soggy worm dick as much as she used to. Rachelle said, "We had sex. We were doing it all the time." Maybe that would explain why Rachelle looks like a middle-aged truck stop pussy peddler who has had more troll crotch on her ass than a horse at the Kentucky Derby. Not to mention that her eyebrows also look like they've been traumatized by the whole experience.

Rachelle also went on to say that she's not just with Phil for his coin, because she can easily support herself if she needed, "I can weed whack. Rip out walls. Lay tile." Obviously, she can't weed whack for shit, because look at her husband's hair.

Proving that she's just as gross as her husband, Rachelle says that living in the house that Lana died in doesn't bother her. Rachelle and Phil even got married in the same foyer Lane's body was found. Rachelle even sits in the chair Lana bled to death in. It doesn't bother her.

But what does bother her is that her gnome of a husband has been locked in a tiny cell for 24 hours of the day. Rachelle moaned, "He's locked in a 5-by-9 cell, 23 1/2 hours a day. They treat people worse than animals. I want that known." And I want it known that you are not a certified member of the Gold Diggers Club, but I'm sure the Dumb Stupid Skank Bitch Whore Club will gladly accept you. Their club president, Paris Hilton, will be contacting you any day now.

Seriously, crying about a 5-by-9 cell? That's bigger than most NYC apartments!

Glamberace has never come out and said that he likes a fresh tossed salad after his dinner (very French of him) or that he likes to brush his teeth with a Colgate-covered peen in the morning. He's never denied it and he's never fully admitted it. My guess is that he's well aware that anybody with eyes (working or not) knows that he tingles for wang. We know it. He knows we know. It doesn't matter. Who cares? Right? Right. Well, Kara DiosMioSHUTUPNOW took it upon herself to comment about it on The View today (it airs tomorrow).

When Barbara Walters asked Kara whether or not she believes that Glambert's sexuality played a part in him losing to Kris, the hard-jawed snatch said, "Well, first of all, I hope not ... because we should be judging on talent and viability in the music industry and they both had that. I don't think that Adam was ever in the closet. I think he was always openly out." Then Barbara, who probably couldn't hear too good, asked if she felt Glambert was openly out, Kara said, "I think he was. I mean from what I've seen ... I do. I never thought he wasn't."

Well, that was nice of her. But more importantly, why is she still here?! When Idol ended, why didn't Simon let her suckle on his tittay a little for nourishment and then shove her back into the cave they found her from?

Parasite Hilton's family bought her from the back of a truck in Chinatown, so she's the last bitch who should be calling anything fake. And that's exactly what she has called The Hills.

At last night's FiFi Awards, Parasite said she's never seen an episode, but her current wart-pincher used to be on it and he thought it was lame. The pre-op ostrich said, "The show is, like, so lame and fake. He doesn't even want to be a part of it. They make up relationships when they’re not there, and he just thinks it's lame. I've never seen the show in my life. I have no idea what it's about. But he just thought it was cheesy."

Wonky is right. The Hills is fake and her "My Butt Fucker Friend" show should have been nominated for an Academy Award for Best Documentary. Grand delusions! On the other hand, this skank whore is an expert of all things fake and lame, so she would know.

And Doug, no matter what Justin Gaston told you, your totally awesome powers of concentration aren't going to make those puss-filled pimples grow.

VIA USWeekly