Shut Your Hole

If you polled a hundred people on if the Kuntrashian Klan look like a) a trio of kow gonads sprayed with a mixture of lead paint and bile; or b) a trio of transflowers, not one ho would let the letter "b" fall out of their mouth. But that's not what the Kuntrashians think. Khloe, Kim and Kourtney tell xoJane (via Radar) that when they were teenagers their dad bought them lessons with a make-up artist for Christmas and ever since then they always leave the house looking like like their tuck game is unstoppable. Let the eye rolling begin....

Khloe: We joke and we say we are like trannies because we love hair and makeup. I don’t think we necessarily need it, but we love it. But Kim, definitely, if you take off what’s on her face, her face is the exact same. She doesn't need it -- it's just like a mind thing to her. She really doesn’t need any of that on her face.

Khloe: At first we had like publicists and people who would tell us, “Girls, tone it down, stop wearing all the makeup.” But they we would read on our blogs -- like in the comments and everything -- and everyone was like, “What lipstick is this, what mascara do you use?“ We were like, "We love makeup -- so why try and be what we are not?"

It's already bad enough that Mr. Snuffaluffagus can't wander around Sesame Street without someone stopping him to say how much they love his reality show on E!, but now those KKK Kunts are offending the entire trans community with this inaccurate comparison? Stupid heffas. They wish they looked like transflowers. The only thing the Kardashians look like they're transforming from is a piece of shit into an ever bigger piece of shit. Pimp Mama Kris better lay the pimp smack down on these trash can trollops for this.

The former miserable bump on a bitch who could turn the world off with her snarl (I miss THAT MiserAlba) baptized her brand new shiny baby daughter Haven (above with Honor) into the tabloid kingdom by presenting her in front of Not OK! Magazine's cameras for a quick check. And during her talk about babies with OK, Jessica Alba just had to get into the details of why she and her husband Coins Warren gave their daughter the name they gave her. Warning: If you're eating shrimp wonton soup for lunch, and a shot of fish broth just hit the back of your throat after you bit into a wet dough bag, you might want to save this story for never.

"When I delivered Haven she was born still inside the amniotic sac, which is rare. The doctor had never seen anything like it before. He grabbed the nurse and said: 'Look at this!' I was in the middle of pushing and he told me to hold on a minute and not to push! He was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt and said: 'Oh I have to get my scrubs on for this!' The sac burst on its own after she came out. It was a trip.

When I was in recovery we still hadn't chosen her name. Cash picked her up and said she came into the world in her 'safe haven' and it clicked right then for both of us."

Couldn't MiserAlba just lie to us and say that she named her baby friend after that SyFy show or that staring into the STAINS eyeballs of James Haven hypnotized her into going with that name. Honestly, Sac Burst would've been a better name than Haven.

via Digital Spy

"Durrrrrrrrr...."

As even the psychic cat with the dusty turban on the Santa Monica Promenade predicted, Brad Pitt's whole "I was a boring pile of stale weed shank during my marriage to Jennifer Aniston" shit scooted its ass along every damn tabloid cover this week and has once again pushed us down into the dark ages where we can't even buy Astroglide and some pork rinds without their faces staring at us in the checkout line at KMart. Every time one of those bitch's brings up each other's name, a black cat breaks a mirror under a ladder and it's another 30 years of bad luck for all of us! But let's get into this shit anyway.

UsWeekly is saying that Jennifer Aniston stopped knitting the words Mrs. Theroux on her favorite ice cream tub cozy (Note: I can't believe ice cream tub cozies exist) to briefly roll an eye at Brad and apparently her team of publicists demanded he fart out an "I'm Sowwy" about that shit he said. Their source says, "They got his team involved and Brad was read the riot act -- the only way you can read the riot act to Brad Pitt. No one believes his words were taken out of context -- he said what he said. I do hear that he's remorseful. We think he's jealous she's in love." Which leads me to OK! Magazine...

OK!'s sources say that Brad's jealousy chip is burning up over the fact that Jennifer Aniston is no longer a miserable lonely-ling who uses her dog's first name as the groom's name when she fills out online wedding registries for fun on a Sunday afternoon. The source said that Brad is trying to drag Jen down. The source said this mess: “Brad’s got a real competitive, vicious streak, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s jealous. Justin is everything Brad couldn’t be. He adores Jen; Jen is deeply in love with Justin. And she’d fallen in and out of love with Brad during their marriage." Which leads me to InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life)....

InTouch Weekly is saying that Brad isn't the one wants to turn Jen's smile face into a frown face. It's St. Angie! CRASH! BOOM! LIGHTING! ETC! They say that St. Angie promised Brad that if he threw shade at Jen in an interview, her hamster cooch would spit out his old nutsack and she'd let him spend some quality time with them. The source explained, “It’s as if Angelina specifically told Brad to say those things in the interview. It’s her exact opinion of Jen. She thinks she’s a boring person. Angelina has a knack for getting Brad to say unpleasant things about Jen.”

And FINALLY, during an interview with Matt Lauer on Today (via People) Brad said that he wants all the kids in the playground to stop poking at Aniston and to leave her alone:

"I don't want [people] to say anything bad like that about Jen. She's a dear friend of mine. I think it's a shame that I can't say something nice about Angie without Jen being drug in. She doesn't deserve it."

Brad, please take your own advice, sprinkle it on some papers, roll the biggest joint you've ever rolled and then smoke it up real slow. That will keep your mouth busy. Maddox will do the talking for you from on. Yes, Maddox will still say some real shit about Aniston, but at least he'll put some sparkly stank on it!

And all of us deserve a prize for going through that mess together, so here's a pussy fight with some real entertainment value:

See. Garden cats know how to end some bullshit. Just push that bitch off the ladder.

Yesterday, Brad Pitt became Douchehole of the Day in some people's eyes and became an even higher god to the Brangeloonies when he beat the dead horse skeleton known as his marriage to Jennifer Aniston by telling Parade: "It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn't living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage (to Aniston) had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn't."

The halo over Brangelina must never be smudged so Brad is now saying that his words were misunderstood and being married to Jennifer Aniston didn't transform him into a puddle of watery cold stoned grits. Brad is just naturally like that! Brad borrowed one of his kid's sensitivity chip, stuck it between his forehead wrinkle and then said this to Reuters about how his words were misinterpreted:

"It grieves me that this was interpreted this way. Jen is an incredibly giving, loving, and hilarious woman who remains my friend. It is an important relationship I value greatly. The point I was trying to make is not that Jen was dull, but that I was becoming dull to myself -- and that, I am responsible for."

For Brad, the simple lesson to be learned (and programmed into his internal filtration system) here is: Keep your mouth on Angie Jo's asshole and keep that Jennifer Aniston mess out of it.

The other lesson to be learned here is that Brad should've just said "GO SEE MONEYBALL OUT ON SEPTEMBER 23RD!" on a loop since that's pretty much the only point he truly wanted to get across during that interview. The end.

Brad Pitt's giving interview for his new movie Moneyball and you know what that means? It's time to open up the dusty old fairytale about the evil queen who stole Prince Charming from Chinderella. To be fair, all of us (Yes, you're guilty too!) still regurgitate that mess and even this week's cover of OK! Magazine is devoted to the remake of Bride Wars starring St. Angie Jo and Jennifer Aniston. But Brangie and Jennifer Aniston always make it seem like they're completely over talking about it, yet whenever they got some shit to sell out comes the dust. Aniston brings out the Brangie guns and now Brad is bringing out the Aniston guns.

During an interview with Parade Magazine, Brad subtly tore open an old wound and then spit at it. As you're reading, count how many gallons of uncooked cookie dough Aniston is going to eat and how many times she's going to kick at her Maddox voodoo doll.

On how St. Angie is the perfect mother: “One of the greatest, smartest things I ever did was give my kids Angie as their mom. She is such a great mom. Oh, man, I’m so happy to have her.”

On how he'll marry St. Angie when gay marriage is legal everywhere: "I mean, how many stories have you read that aren’t true, stories about me and Angie being married or fighting or splitting up? And when we don’t split up, there’s a whole new round that we’ve made up and we’re back together again! We’ll get married when everyone can. We’re not splitting up. And we don’t have a seventh child yet."

On the 90s and how his marriage to Jennifer Aniston helped to make him a boring and fake person: “I spent the ‘90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony. I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage [to actress Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t."

Two gallons and two kicks, right? Well, let's make it three. This is what Brad told Entertainment Weekly about making Mr. & Mrs. Homewreckers!

"A husband and wife who actually want to kill each other — I thought that was a launching pad for something really fun and vibrant. Again, that was something we were developing as we were going along, and Angie’s a great partner in that. We work really well together. We had some good workshops beforehand. Had some good laughs and ideas. That was just a great collaboration that turned into a greater collaboration."

And just like that, Brad fertilized the birth of a million more tabloid covers until the rapture swallows us after Jen's daughter Uncoolina Theroux "snatches" away Vivienne's husband.

You know, it's already been fucked into our brain holes a million times. Jen's pussy was like Nytol for Brad's soul and turned him into a stoner who could give a shit. Angie's pussy was like Vivarin for his soul and turned him into the perfect and holy asshole he is today. We get it.

At this point, we should just assume that Brad, Angie, Jennifer and the tabloids all own majority share in the Illuminati and are slowly trying to destroy us all.

After God showed us he existed by getting the executives at TLC to put Kate Plus 8 to bed forever, Jon Gosselin shimmied out of his douche cave to say that now is the time for Kate Gosselin to get a real job like he did and stop pushing their chirruns in front of the camera for a check. That was also the day that God showed us he existed by getting Jon Gosselin to make a sense! However, peroxide, a too-tight weave and a camera light on her face 24/7 has fried the part of Kate's brain that operates reason and she no longer knows what a real job is. When you ask Kate to get a real job, she says the same shit my abuelita would tell the border guards after they asked to see her papers: NO SE? US Citizen.

During an interview on Today this morning, Matt Lauer brought up Jon's advice and Kate the Kunt responded by basically saying that anybody who works a real job is a loser who doesn't care if they raise loser kids:

"Well, it's a situation where Jon may be accepting of mediocre for his kids and working a regular job. I want the best for my kids and the best opportunities not unlike every parent. I think that to be a good parent is to work as hard as you can and give them the best opportunities in life, and this has provided that.

I think at this point, the best opportunity for all of us would be me continuing on TV as a way to provide for my kids. Something that’s exciting and challenging for me has been TV, and I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”

Translation: "I want the best for ME ME ME ME ME including a credit card from Bisou Bisou, weekly Juvederm appointments, monthly weave appointments with Beyonce's weavemaster's cousin and a team of nannies so that I can spend as little time with my money makers as possible and don't have to hear them call me by my stage name of 'mom' off camera. I want all of this with minimal effort. If doing so, completely damages all of my children and makes them run away from home as soon as they're old enough to throw their bodies into the car of a runaway train, then YAY! More money and free party time for me!

I think at this point, the best opportunity for ME would be ME continuing on TV or any other kind of job where I don't have to wear a company ID. PLEASE! SOMEBODY GIVE ME A TV SHOW! I can't go back to buying off the rack at Dress Barn and wearing clip-on hair from Sally's. PLEASE!!!!!"

In an interview with Style.com, the reigning fashion lord of the House of the Death Eaters continued to make his leader Voldemort's nose slits tingle by sounding off on everything from guests at the royal wedding ("the bad proportions, the ugly hats, the short skirts on fat legs") to if he ever graces the front of a TV screen with his presence ("I like if I’m on TV; watching it is not my specialty.") But his thoughts on Dominique Strauss-Kahn allegedly raping a maid is what really put another layer of dark soul dust on the nails of his victims stuck up into his gums. Kunty Karl basically just waved his leather glove like, "horny old rich men will be horny old rich men who happen to rape maids."

"I love DSK. I love his wife. They are great people and when they came back to Paris I sent them flowers. But you know, for people in politics, it’s very embarrassing. On the left they had hoped he wouldn’t come back, because I think other people want his job. And on the other side…but even in America, Clinton survived his blow job.

They all do it in the political world. They get horny from politics, from power. And he had unbelievable charms. He is really charming. He’s fun, he’s great. He’s a sweet guy—as long as you’re not a woman. That’s the problem."

May the ash-covered nest of insect antennas on Kunty Karl's head never find a signal that transmits reasonable thoughts to his brain, because I love it when he doesn't make any sense and continues to spew out ridiculousness. Only Kunty Karl can compare rape to getting your dick sucked in the oval office by a willing trick. And yes, DSK is just a horny ball of charms and fun. One of the first things that maid said to the police was, "Yes, he raped me, but I couldn't help it! He was so damn charming. And since I was born with a vagina, I should've known better!"

Oh, Kunty Karl. Let me kunt the ways....

Marilyn Monroe plucked her hairline back two inches and meth plucked Lindsay Lohan's hairline back two inches. One of Marilyn Monroe's most famous moments was when she aired her down low bits over a subway grate and Lindsay Lohan's down low bits probably smell like a subway platform in August. Marilyn Monroe fucked the President of the United States and Lindsay Lohan fucked a dealer who said that he once voted for president of something. Marilyn Monroe died way before her time and Lindsay Lohan's career died way before its time. So naturally, Lindsay Lohan thinks that Marilyn Monroe is her spirit twin and wrote this foreword for Susan Bernard's book Marilyn: Intimate Exposures (via ONTD):

"Marilyn was the beautiful bad girl in that tight, rose-colored dress. The character she played was strong and taking control, which I unconsciously knew at that young age was a necessary quality for a woman. I can understand the photographer Bernard of Hollywood’s statement, 'it took a superhuman effort to be Marilyn.’ I identify

People in their mind have created who I am and act as if there is no real person inside of me. Just like Marilyn. Marilyn never wanted to be just a celebrity. Neither do I … I had always thought that movie stars were in films that would last forever in your mind. But now the films don’t. I don’t want to be remembered as someone who just wanted to be photographed, who goes out at night, and gets in trouble.

Heath Ledger once said to me, 'It’s built you up to knock you down and that’s all it is. Marilyn said she had no foundation. But she said she was really working on it. I’ve been trying to do the same thing … I believe in myself and I’m a good actress.”

I'm no Mike Holmes but can you really build a strong foundation with Red Bull barf, shit balls of delusion and sea jasper dust?

This delusion-headed bitch's comment about not wanting to be a celebrity and that story about White Oprah thinking she can get Tina Fey in her movie is reason enough for the Surgeon General to pass a law forcing all drug dealers to slap a warning label on all their Ziploc bags of the illegal bad shit. That label should read, "SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Snorting, smoking, injecting or licking this shit may cause you to form delusions of grandeur in your head. Don't believe my ass? Look at a Lohan."

I see that Liam Gallagher of Oasis has been taking night classes at Lindsay Lohan's School of Delusional Ass Lawsuits, because the supernova cunt is suing his own brother Noel in High Court (emphasis on "high") for insinuating that he's a liar all the way back in 2009. Yup, Liam's ass can hold a grudge as well as it can hold a stick.

When Oasis pulled out of the V Festival in 2009, Noel said they did it because his dick bag of a brother was too hungover to perform. Liam asked for an apology and a retraction from Noel, but bitch didn't get shit. So now he's asking the court to force his brother to apologize to him. Liam's ass lips blurted this statement out to The Sun about this waste of time lawsuit:

I HAVE taken legal action against Noel Gallagher for statements he made claiming Oasis pulled out of the 2009 V Festival Chelmsford gig because I had a hangover.

That is a lie and I want Oasis fans and others who were at V to know the truth.

I was gutted when I couldn't play the gig because I didn't want to let the fans down.

But the truth is I had laryngitis, which Noel was made fully aware of that morning, diagnosed by a doctor.

Noel also falsely stated the demise of Oasis followed a massive row in which he claimed I demanded to advertise my clothing range Pretty Green in the Oasis tour programme.

The truth is there was no such discussion or row between us.

I am used to being called all sorts of things by Noel and I have in the past said things about him. But what Noel has alleged this time went way beyond rock-and-roll banter and questioned my professionalism.

I tried to resolve this amicably but have been left with no choice but legal action. All I want is an apology.

This is the lawsuit equivalent of Liam twisting Noel's right nipple while screaming out, "sayyouresorry sayyouresorry sayyouresorry." What insufferable petty twats. This happened two years ago and let's be real, Liam had laryngitis because it his voice box was filled booze.

The High Court should order a memaw to take both of them to a crowded department store and beat them in the asses with her pocketbook in the middle of a crowded aisle as they both let out an open-mouthed silent cry in front of everyone. That's how the tantrums of all asshole brats should be handled.

Skeletor's arch rival and the true power holder of Greyskull, Brooke Hogan, let out a Twatter cry yesterday over SUCIO whores (like this SUCIO whore right here) saying that her relationship with her daddy is as gross as watching Marcus Bachmann try to keep his puckering no-no in control while nibbling on a long stick of hot meat.

Brooke was talking about hos heaving with their eyes over those pictures of her kissing on Hulk Hogan's salmon jerky face at the unveiling of her nekkid portrait for Peta. Brooke's "LEAVE ME ALOOONE" roar went like this:

Im SO sick of people saying me and my dad are in some perverted relationship! Go home and do your own thing! Stop picking on me!
13 Aug

You dumb bitch, I am home.

"Go home and do your own thing" is probably the same shit she says to Hulk when he comes over and tries to do her thing. NO! I'm joking. That's just me needing to go home (?). Brooke is right. There's nothing gross about bringing your daddy to a gallery to stare at a picture of your CGI-ed nekkid body in a dog cage. It's not like Hulk hasn't seen Brooke's naked body in a dog cage before. Did you think she was wearing a sweater when he adopted her from Petco those many years ago?

There's nothing gross about Brooke and Hulk's relationship. However, being a Hogan is all kinds of gross.

via People