Shut Your Hole

When this picture of the two possum pussies known as Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus came out in Vanity Fair, whores (including me) gave the side-eye, because they looked a little toooo close. It's sprinkled with just a bit of "Incest is a game a whole family play" flavor.

In her new memoir Miles to Go (BARF), 16-year-old Miley addressed the H8RS who think her relationship with her daddy is filed under: Creepy McCreepster. Oh and yeah, Miley has a fucking memoir out. No, it's not in TXT form. No, it's not just an article in Highlights. It's an actual book being released in stores. Mr. Barnes and Mr. Nobles are weeping in their graves.

Miley writes (I need proof she can actually do that), "The media has said some stuff about my dad and me being too close and too cuddly for a father and a daughter. For me and my dad it's not weird at all. we don't let other people tell us what expressions we're supposed to have on our faces when we take a picture together!"

The dumb bitch when on to whine that people who make fun of her are "so full of anger, hatred and bitterness."

How did Miley get a hold of my medical records?! Anger, hatred and bitterness are the three things my doctor told me I was full of after getting my blood test results. I already know that! But I'd rather be full of those things than caca, chitterlings and Bill Ray's........... Okay, okay, I'll stop right fucking there.

And here's some pap pictures of Miley and her little sister at their house. No, I don't think her sister is in an open-eyed coma. She's just motherfucking miserable! Can you blame her?

Earlier, I posted some shit about HoHan saying she just ate a Big Mac when asked about her greasy chicken bone body. Well, HoHan takes her mom's advice. White Oprah talked to Access Hollywood about the subject of her checking account's weight and said, “I’m a mom. If I see my daughter a little thin, I say, ‘Eat more McDonald’s.’”

Okay, are these twats trying to get a deal with McDonald's or something? Because I'm sure there's a McDonald's in Mastic, NY that will let them clean the bathrooms or some shit. They don't need to beg.

No wonder she's knows as the White Oprah, because bitch really is treasure chest of wisdom. She knows what's best for her children. When I was younger and asked my mom for McDonald's, she'd usually say something like, "I'd rather fry up a used roach motel and serve that to you than get you McDonald's." So White Oprah is better at mothering than my own mother. That's why all of White Oprah's children are the epitome of health. They are so lucky.

White Oprah went on to yap more about it, because once you get the whore on the phone, you just can't get her off! “I don’t know why people care about other people’s weight. I think they should look in their own mirror and stare at themselves. I told Lindsay I think she’s a little thin. But we go through this every couple of months. My daughter is happy and healthy and that’s all that really matters.”

I would tell this raggedy ass skeezer of a mother that she's the one who needs to look in the mirror, but that's impossible for her to do! Every mirror in her house is probably lying on a table and covered in cokey dust.

Jessica Simpson Fatgate '09 is dying off and bitches have already erased the big-tittied frog from their "relevance" file. So while she was opening up for Rascal Flatts at MSG in NYC last night, Jess decided to put drop a little ammunition in our H8R guns to get more attention.

According to UsWeekly, Jess told the audience, "I've had times when my pants split right down the middle when I bent down to reach a note. That's why I'm wearing a skort - not a skirt, not a short - just so they wouldn't split."

Let's let the canned-chicken-brained bitch believe her voice has the power to split pants. The truth is that when her frog warble hits pubic hair-splitting levels, her pants take the opportunity to bust from that bitch's ass! The dumb skank's pants are splitting in more ways than one.

And you know how Papa Joe is spending his Friday. Bitch will be holed up in his basement with that picture above, Photoshop at his fingertips and a tub of Crisco at his side.

Katherine HAGel and T.R. Knight are reportedly quitting that shit known as Grey's Anatomy. My eyes just jizzed.

Hag and Knight's co-star James Pickens Jr. confirmed that shit to UsWeekly. The angels sang when James opened up his mouth and said, "Yes, she is (leaving the show). Wherever Katherine goes, I wish her nothing but the best." When asked about T.R., chattermouth James went on, "He's going too. He just wanted to pursue other career paths."

This hasn't been confirmed by the show, so maybe James was just praying out loud? Although, a source says the writers and Shondra Rhimes are trying to find a way write T.R. and his hag out of the show. Both characters are expected to DIE A SLOW PAINFUL DEATH make their last appearance on the show's season finale. Seriously, I think in the season finale, Dr. Izzie should accidentally waltz into Hostel and you know what happens after that. I would actually watch the show if this is how Dr. Izzie's swan song went down.

And hopefully, this means we're one step closer to never hearing HAGel's whiny ass voice again! After this shit, she'll make a few flop shit shows, then a couple of Lifetime crappers, then she'll have no choice but to do Dancing with the Has-Beens (which she'll be voted out first) and after that she'll be on the next bus to oblivion! Cross your fingers and hug a kitten! We're almost there!

Image:Wireimage

The queen of everything good and goopy isn't interested in walking the red carpet with her husband Chris Martin, because she's better than that. It was whispered that Fishsticks Paltrow and her twin cunt husband were supposed to hold clammy hands and walk the Grammy carpet together. This didn't happen and when asked about it, Fishy told Roger Friedman's FoxNews, “It’s cheesy. I mean, who wants to live like that?” Bitch, who wants to live like you?! Stupid ass.

You hear that Brangelina and every other couple in Hollywood? Fishy thinks you're an unwrapped slice of Kraft cheese. Yeah, you're not even organic and of the earth. You're filled with preservatives and you're best served microwaved over a plate of saltines. Mmm....delicious

This is a fucking toilet full of hot laughs, because Fishy is the biggest cheese ball in all the land. This hag is an even bigger cheese ball than the one permanently taking space under Joaquin Phoenix's peen skin. I mean, GOOP, Shakespeare in Love, THAT DRESS! All those things can be found at your local Hickory Farms.

Not even Cornify-ing Hasselcrack can make her sunnier and prettier. I fucking tried.

You know, it's been a while since I've posted a classic Hasselcrack moment, but she gave us one The View this morning. The topic was Ashley Judd's PSA where she bitch slaps Sarah Palin for killing woofies from the sky. Hasselcrack, defender of all things Palin, asked if Ashley also defends the hundreds of thousands of babies killed in abortions each year. When Joy Behar verbally punched her in the teeth by telling her to stay on topic, Hasselcrack asked if she was at the Socialist table? And just when I was about to scream "Ladies and whores, we've got a catfight!", Whoopi went to commercial. Whoopi always has to leave me with blue balls!

I don't even know why I watch The View anymore. Soon, I'm not going to have any teeth left, because I'm constantly grinding that shit when I listen to Hasslecrack's yappy ass voice. I just want to take that bedskirt she was wearing, wrap it around her mouth, throw her in a Bed Bath & Beyond discount bin and pray that someone buys her ass to stick under their mattress forever.

Hmmm...but then who would feed me my morning dose of rage?!

Faye Dunaway better be taking off her jewelry and greasing up her face, because this shit has begun. Last week, Faye was asked what she thought about Hilary Duff starring in a remake of Bonnie and Clyde. Faye bitch punched that dumb dumb Duff in the big teefs when she said, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?'' Buuuuurned by the evil Selena!

Instead of keeping her fat teeth shut, Hilary just had to respond. She told E!'s Daily 10, "I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know…. I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too. It's not really like taken off of the movie, it's taken off the true story of Bonnie and Clyde. So the movie was adjusted slightly by how they wanted to do it and this is kind of like the true events of how everything went down."

First of all, Hilary Duff has fans? Second of all, Hilary is going to look like the boil on my ass when she's Faye's age, so she needs to shut the fuck up about that shit. Don't fuck with Faye!

And I was about to ask you bitches to pull out the kiddie pool filled with oil, but I figured none of us want to see Faye or Hilary greased up in gold sequined bikinis. So an oil wrestling match is out of the question. But there's another way we can settle this. After staring at their jumbo Chiclet teeth for a few minutes, the answer came to me: corn eating contest! We'll throw an ear of corn in the middle of them and the first bitch to chew her way to the middle wins this war!

I'll bet my porn-subscription money that Faye will win that shit. After a few seconds, that bitch will stop chewing and beat down Hilary with a wire hanger instead.

Today's dartboard comes courtesy of Fishsticks Paltrow on the cover of Elle Magazine. Make sure you aim for the mouth, because that bitch needs to stop using it to whine. Inside the magazine, Fishy says she doesn't understand why people hate GOOP so much!

Fishy opened up her tartar-covered lips and told the magazine (via OK! Magazine), "Fuck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and, for a second, your ego is so wounded. How could people hate me, my intentions or what I'm trying to do? I'm a good person and I'm trying to put good things into the world. I'm probably less square than people think. I never get drunk to the point of throwing up. But I get very talkative. Man, I wish smoking didn't kill you. I'd be smoking right now. I miss it."

Fishy actually said "Fuck the haters"? Ugh. She's so hardcore. I bet she said it in a shitty British accent, with her nose up in the air, her ass clenched and a cup of ORGANIC tea in her hand (with her pinky out, of course).

I thought eating grass and shitting herbal water is supposed to make you all Zen-like and smiley happy? Saying "Fuck the haters" isn't very GOOPY. This fake ass bitch needs to drink an ice cold glass of preservatives with two shots of vodka, so she can get wasted and lighten up. She wonders why people hate her ass?! Does she even read GOOP?! Yeah, recommending $3,000 bags and detoxes that will make you caca out all your insides isn't good. IT'S SHIT!

And as one of the haters Fishy is talking about, I'll give her a "Fuck you, cunt!" right back. She can stick that in her GOOP.

Thanks Caroline

Mickey Rourke has a face only the inside of a toilet could love, but beasts need affection too. Once you put the constant dry heaving in check, Mickey probably knows how to do that shit right. I mean, he had to have learned something from 9 1/2 Weeks, right?

Well, Evan Rachel Wood thinks she's too fucking good for Chowderface Rourke. Miss My Twatty Lips Are Made Out Of Fine Crystal is pretty much offended by the rumors that she's licking on Mickey's pork rind peen. She told Rolling Stone, "I’m upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of me. It’s unfair that the performances might suffer because of all of these distractions. I'm not attracted to him, he's too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will."

Mickey didn't queef in her ear, so why she so mad at him? Or maybe he did and that's why she feels disrespected? Whatever. You know, I felt disrespected when I watched her butcher a few Beatles songs, but I smoked a bowl, slapped my a-hole and got over it. She should do the same.

And this bitch is delusional for sticking her nose up at Mickey when she has sucked on Marilyn Manson's baby powder-covered skelepeen. I'd take Mickey's stretched out mug over Marilyn Manson's anything any day.

Welcome to the real word, Asshole Kutcher. Little Ashton Kutcher posted a video this morning of him crying and whining after the construction workers next door woke him from his baby sleep at 7:30 in the morning. Ashy bitched that he's been dealing with it for six months and then called his neighbor a "jackass" and a "dickweed." I don't know who he's calling a jackass with that hat on.

After his video douche rant, Ashy took to updating his Twitter about the situation. He said his "SOB owl feces cougar placenta jack bone dick" was polluting the whole neighborhood with the noise.

Ashy's neighbor told TMZ that he's just acting "silly." You hear that, Ashy? You are silly! The man added that according to laws or something he has the right to start construction at 7 in the morning. The dude claims Ashton's dick bag kingdom took 10 years to build and everyone in the neighborhood had to put up with the noise.

Ashy later twittered that it was all a joke and he didn't really mean it, "I'm not saying im not pissed at the banging but common." Yeah, everyone. COMMON! Please, you know the dumb bitch just felt stupid that everyone was laughing at him for being such a whiny fool.

If he wants to hear real noise, he should move to fucking NYC. Recently I got woken up at 3 in the morning by some bitch on the street who was screaming that someone stole her pet ferret! No joke. Did I get weepy about it? No. I stuck my ears plugs in, blasted my dream soundtrack and continued dreaming about Rojo Caliente gently combing my hair.

And how long have we put up with the noise pollution coming out of Ashton's mouth hole? Yeah, consider this payback.