Shut Your Hole

During his set at England's Big Chill Festival on Saturday night, Kanye West turned the crazy up when he opened his mouth and left out a river of diarrhea and insanity chunks by saying people look at him like he's got a tiny evil stache above his mouth and is responsible for the murder of millions. Well, Gay Fish's signature Stuart Smalley rants are responsible for the death of millions of brain cells, so maybe the Queen of the CAPS LOCK is on to something. Like the opening paragraph of Mein Kunt, Kanye mouth queefed this solid gold ridiculousness:

"I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I'm fucking insane, like I'm Hitler. One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did."

And then Gay Fish continued to prove that South Park is producing his life when he crowned himself the Michael Jordan of music.

"Michael Jordan changed so much in basketball, he took his power to make a difference. It's so much fucking going on in music right now and somebody has to make a fucking difference."

Historians should take note, because this might be the first time in history when both Michael Jordan and Hitler made "....the fuck is that douche's ego on?" faces of non-amusement at the exact same time.

Kanye is right, though. He really is a lyrical mastermind genius that produces beats that sound like unicorns humping the heavenly clouds and the day we all finally realize he's Jesus in a douche bottle is the day that the light on the miner caps of the Four Horsemen will blind us all before dragging us down to Hell thus ending the world (the two obviously go hand in hand). But Kanye didn't need to strain his precious vocal cords of greatness by screaming that rant out. Kanye could've gotten the same point across just by jacking his dick while fucking his ass with a Lexapro bottle. That would've been less offensive.

via NYDN

Fishsticks Paltrow's private in-home colonist is probably wondering why they keep sucking out clumps of wig hair along with pieces from the next GOOP newsletter from her porcelain-glazed asshole, and now they know why. During an interview with Elle, Fishy shoved her head all the way up into Beyonce's ass, and Beyonce did the same thing to Fishy during an interview with Harper's Bazaar. The makers of The Human Centipede now have the plot for their next horror show!

The stick that is usually up Fishy's ass shot out of her mouth when Beyonce's head bopped up into her b-hole with this comment:

"She pushes her boundaries all the time. You go to her house and she makes you feel like you never want to go home. She is what I strive to be one day."

Let me fix that for you, Beyonce. "She pushes the boundaries of being absolutely fucking terrible all the time. You go to her house and she makes you feel like you want to go home immediately. Like a prison. She is what gives me hives every day."

"She is what I strive to be one day." Sick. Congratulations, Jay-Z's jizz, that quote just took your title as the grossest thing that has ever shot out of Beyonce's mouth.

Poke at Basement Baby, because somebody's going to need to stage a GOOPervention.

via Digital Spy

The Kardashian Klan has long replaced Parasite Hilton as the most popular vapid pieces of trash on the ho stroll, so the dumb scab should've expected ABC's Dan Harris to ask her if she's ever worried that the spotlight she's been humping on for more than 10 years has finally turned off. Dan Harris asked the star of T.W.A.T. Pee (The World According to Paris) that question during an interview for Good Morning America and it made Wonky jump up faster than one of her crotch crabs when she queefs. Wonky did what she always does when things don't go her way: she whined to her publicist about the mean old man asking the mean old questions.

Dan's questions weren't even that mean and these are things that people are saying about her. The Tijuana PennySaver shouldn't even be interviewing her ass, so bitch should be grateful that anybody is putting a mic under her mouth. The thing is, Wonks obviously doesn't like the questions Dan threw at her, but instead of telling him to chew on her pussy (like any normal ADULT would) she throws a tantrum. Ho is 30 and it's time to drop the Angelica from Rugrats act.

Wonks went on with the interview and recited some words her publicist told her to say while making a fake smile a jack in the box makes right before you punch it in the head. Then Wonky showed Dan the custom-built doggy death chamber in her backyard. It has chandeliers! It has air-conditioning! See Wonky truly does care about animals. She cares enough to give them something sparkly to look at as they slowly starve to death in the backyard. The patron saint of STDS AND animals.

When Lindsay Lohan came stumbling out of a Hollywood club early yesterday morning like a dozen booze bottles just ran a train on her mouth, we all knew she would put the blame on everything and everybody but herself. LiLo is not one to let us down, so she just done just that! Last night, Delusion gently cradled LiLo in its arms and softly padded her back so that she could burp this out on her Twatter:

Of course me going to my best friends going away dinner is a headline- especially on my first day out of my house in 35 days. That does not give anyone the right to have a field day and manifest stories. IT WAS A GOING AWAY DINNER, THAT WAS IT. Nothing exciting happened aside from the very yummy hummus and pita. If anyone caused me to nearly fall it was the pyschotic paparazzi.... off to the gym now- have a lovely day xo

LiLo also posted the picture above of her shoe, so just to recap, this drunk bitch is blaming: THE SHOES! THE PAPARAZZI! THE HUMMUS! THE PLANET for spinning to fast causing 5 hours to feel like 5 minutes! THE EVERYTHING!

Unless someone secretly switched bitch's shoes with a pair of flask heels with a syringe in the inset that injected booze directly into her foot veins (someone should invent this) or the chickpeas in the hummus came from Colombia, bitch just got drunk! But I guess saying the opposite of the truth earns her ass more time under the attention whore spotlight. Let's try it: I absolutely did not just fap to ginge-on-ginge porn in between nibbling on a breakfast Hot Pocket. My psychotic dog is manifesting stories again!

Nope, didn't work for me.

General Kate and her army of sad midgets keep a tight ship!! RadarOnline has a sneak peek of an upcoming episode of "Kate Plus 8" that captures the Sweat Shop Mother of the Year, 2011 in action.

In the video, Mommy dearest and her pack of soon-to-be-runaways are baking "special treats" for the patients of a local dialysis center where Kate used to work (cut to Annie Wilkes shaking her head). Stay sharp, Kate Plus Hate is in the neighborhood spreading sunshine (her words HA!)!!!

She's quoted as saying "the only excuse for messes is carelessness"... I'm thinking Jon Gosselin is being a little more careful nowadays! You know, I wouldn't be surprised if, after the cameras quit rolling, she marched those little fuckers out single file to the camera crew's trailer and had them clean up their shit!!! Kate don't play!

She also blurted out a line that I've heard a time or two in my life, however, it was usualy being mumble out of some drunk chick's mouth around 3am... "If it turns into a mess, you are instantly done, I'm not in to that!!!!"

Transformers 3: Rise of Michael Bay's Ego comes out this weekend and so you know what that means! It's that time when Shia LaBeouf gargles out a million dirty vagina by launching dozens of douche-laden nuggets off of his tongue. During an interview with Details Magazine, the Oedipus of douchebags threw Shiarrhea at Oliver Stone, embraced his assholeness and basically admitted that his dick tip once touched the philosophical poon of Megan Fox.

On if he's ever humped on Megan Fox: "Look, you're on the set for six months, with someone who's rooting to be attracted to you, and you're rooting to be attracted to them. I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen."

On if she was with Brian Austin Green at the time: "I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. . . It was what it was."

On being an asshole: "I would like to be George Clooney– diplomatic. I just don't have the wherewithal yet or the inner serenity. My bullshit meter is tuned very sensitive. The minute it starts kicking up, I get back to truth, and sometimes that involves, you know, 'I don't want to take a picture.' And if that's the case, am I an asshole for being honest? Or am I an asshole for being dishonest, smiling in your picture and I fucking hate being there? Which one is worse? These are the questions I ask myself that George Clooney doesn't ask."

On Oliver Stone and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps: "He's trying to play nice. But for a movie like Wall Street that had so much bite the first time around to come out without fangs and preach a message of hope wasn't what people were looking for."

Maybe Shia licked on the blow hole of a half-deflated inner tube that he nicknamed Megan Fox, but I refuse to believe that his nuts ever swept across the land that David Silver conquered. Shia gave himself away when he said that we can see the chemistry onscreen. This just goes to show you that Shia permanently lives inside a bubble of delusion. I mean, human chemistry in a Transformers movie?! Crazy talk. The CGI Transformers had more chemistry with each other than Megan and Shia did. That's like a shellacked hemorrhoid having chemistry with a dehydrated crotch berry.

Shia almost sounds like me when I tell my friends that Mah Boo Anderson Cooper giggles at my jokes (when I really mean is that I recorded Mah Boo's giggle to my iPhone and play it whenever I make a joke).

I bet Shia's just tyring to make his mom jealous.

What you're looking at is a beach ball freaking the hell out from thinking, that like its fellow plastic balls, it will soon be stuffed into the body of an inflated horse. You're also looking at Heidi Montag who is paying for her next elbow lipo surgery by hosting a pool party at Wet Republic in Las Vegas on Saturday. How Heidi found the time to fill the pool goers nostrils with the scent of burnt Tupperware fumes and bleached desperation is beyond me, because bitch is in the gym 14 hours a day. No, bitch didn't get a job as a Pilates rubber band. Heidi tells UsWeekly that she actually spends those 14 hours working out.

"I've been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I've been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape. And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I've ever been because I've kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.

I've been running a lot, and I've been doing weights. When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].

My breasts, because they're so big, really needed some time. So I'm just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that's normal."

The last time I was in the gym, I got on the bike for 3 minutes before I had to stop to focus on the episode of AbFab I was watching on my iPhone, so I'm no authority on working out. But this par baked twat needs to stop using numbers and leave "sense of time" to the professionals. And by "professionals" I mean hos who didn't get their brain scooped out to make their heads skinnier. Then again, maybe she's telling the truth. Heidi is made of the same materials as a dildo and when you work out a dildo for 14 hours, it doesn't end up with muscles. It only ends up with ass scab bits and lubed smegma. So I've heard.

When trash is acting like trash, I call them trash. But when trash is acting like trash, my mother calls them uneducated. That is her "insult" for everything and everybody. A woman cuts her off as she's trying to get on the freeway and she'll say, "That woman is so uneducated!" A Verizon customer service rep will bring the bitch on her and she'll tell me, "They need to get more education!" A dog will break into her backyard and piss on her fruit tree and she'll say, "Education! That dog needs some." It makes no sense, but you can use it for everything. Your dude doesn't pull out in time: "Get some education, please!" The bartender cuts you off and calls you a cab: "Go enroll in a place where you can get education!" Etc.. etc... Which leads me to the clip above....

The woman with the soul-killing, irritating job interview voice was talking some filth into her cell phone on a Metro North train in New York when the conductor told her to change the NC-17 rating on her phone call to rated G. Basically, the conductor told her to stop talking like a nasty trash mouth (aka like yours truly and Dlisted commenters). The chick was so appalled and offended that the conductor would accuse her of dropping fuck bombs since she's a highly educated scholar with degrees from several prestigious universities and shit.

Yes, she pulled the "I'M EDUCATED" card! Come on now. Degrees and diplomas do not matter on the streets (except for one from Barbizon). If you're a preschool dropout or have a PhD from Oxford, you should already know that if you act like asshole in a public place, someone is going to call your ass out on your assholery. And your degrees aren't going to save you. Save it for your Linkedin profile, bitch!

This verbal tussle didn't end in a spaghetti massacre or with a little ass brat getting pepper sprayed in the face by a queen (my favorite still). It simply ended with Professor Doctor Educated once again declaring to everyone how educated she is! Ha.

And my mom thinks she STILL needs more education.

via Best Week Ever

If your "Paris Hilton is an Arrogant Asshole" tank needs refueling, then line it with a filter made of Valtrex pills and open up because this shit will fill you up and then some.

So, the first episode of Parasite Hilton's Oxygen reality show The World According To Paris (T.W.A.T. Pee) was watched by less people than she's given hand jobs to in the VIP section of Tao. Specifically, around 400,000 pairs of eyes watched a useless skank show us not-so-new ways on how she's useless. On a positive note, the new saying is "...suck harder than Paris Hilton's ratings" instead of "...suck harder than Paris Hilton on any given day."

Wonky, of course, is not taking any responsibility for the fact that her show tanked. Kathy Hilton plugged that mess harder than (you know what I'm going to write so just insert it here) on The View the other day and she also said that not a lot of people knew when she show came on. Well, Wonky is using that excuse for why her show is sucking the air out of Oxygen. A source tells Popeater:

"Paris is furious that the show didn't premiere at the time it was supposed to. "She worked her tail off doing promotion and publicity for the show and then because of a technical mistake, the show aired at a completely different time in a lot of markets.

This could be the last nail in the coffin. She has been replaced by Teen Moms and Snooki. She would have been better off not doing a new reality show at all then doing one that proves no one cares."

A rep for Oxygen said that there were zero technical mistakes and the show premiered at 10pm on June 1st like it was supposed to.

If Oxygen marketed T.W.A.T. Pee for what it really is, Wonky's quick demise from the face of relevancy, maybe more hos would've watched it to see that trick go down in real time. But really, I'll tell Wonky the same thing Cristal Conners said to Nomi in Showgirls: "There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you." Or in Wonky's case, there's always someone messier and whorier stumbling down the stairs after you (see: Snooki).

Parasite Hilton infected The View earlier this week to whore out her new reality shit show which she says is completely original (false), totally unscripted (false) and shows the real her (true). Wonks says she's this serious business woman and philanthropist now, but the show portrays her for what she really is: a vapid douchehole who makes a dried piece of shit on the sidewalk seem useful. And Barbara Walters sharpened her lisp and went after Wonky about this.

Whoopi and Barbara tag teamed Wonky in a way she's not used to by asking her why she continues to act like a dim cunt when she talks about how she wants to be known for her charity work. Their example was a part in her show The World According To Paris (aka TWAT Pee) when she bitches to her assistant about doing community service and then throws out a sarcastic "awesome' when she finds out she'll be working with prisoners. Stupid ass Wonks stuttered with her eyes and then told Barbara that she's just joking around and playing up for the cameras. This is after she said that her show (which tanked, by the way) is completely real.

Page Six says that after Barbara reamed a new hole into Wonky (she wishes), she and Rick Hilton threw a tantrum in front of the producers about how she was treated. They didn't like the tone of the interview. A producer for The View confirms that Wonky was mad, but didn't get into details.

The truth is, Wonky should be licking on Barbara's ass for putting her on The View in the first place. The fact that she complained about this goes to show you how much of an unaware piece of spoiled shit she is. Kim Kardashian has taken Wonky's corner, so that fuck-nosed, one-eyed skank slut should be flat on her back in a whorehouse in Calcutta, fucking the locals for fish heads and rice (copyright: Angel III). That's the truth!