Shut Your Hole

The current Miss Croatia and one of the semi-finalists of Miss World has pissed off some bitches after she said some fucked up shit on Croatia's highest rated show Red Carpet. When asked by the show's host if Mr. Croatia (the Ken Doll on the right) wanted her ass, she replied, "Faggotry is taking a stride in this country if it's news every time a guy gets turned on by a girl."

I should be offended and appalled, but my laughs drowned those feelings out after I read the word "faggotry." I was searching for a way to describe to my mother what I do all day. And now I have one. Thank you, Miss Croatia.

I'm guessing faggotry is related to fuckery? Maybe it's fuckery's stepbrother? You know, the one who always wants to show the family his Santa Baby routine during Christmas. And sashays around the house with a tiara on. WAIT. A tiara that looks exactly like Miss Croatia's. Now, who's committing faggotry?

And here's a picture of Fuckery and Faggotry at Christmastimes together.

Source VIA ONTD

Thanks Karyn

Tommy Girl said that he's no longer opening up his shit hole about evil anti-depressants, but it looks like he passed down the batshit crazy torch to fellow Scientologist Bijou Phillips. Bijou has some advice for any of you who suffer from a severe case of the sads: stop being such a pussy and get the fuck over it! Basically.

In the new issue of Paper (via UsWeekly), Bijou said, "My grandparents didn't take any pills, and they were fine. Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a fucking pansy."

This is coming from a bitch whose whole family has self-medicated with the street anti-depressant know as CRACK (and a bunch of other shit too). Why doesn't she tell her sister Mackenzie to just get over being a damn crackhead. You know, eat a barley cookie, shake off the shakes and move on.

I wish Bijou would just buck up and get over being such a dumbstupidwhorecuntslutdickhead, but that's not going to happen.

And since we're on the subject of Bijou, I want to quote one of my favorite comments ever left by a commenter on this site a while ago. They said: "Bijou Phillips would fuck a snake!" No truer words have ever been written. And she would totally fuck a depressed snake too.

Giuliana DePandasAss (or Giuliana RANCID) managed to accomplish something last night. She managed to gross me out more than Brangie. That is an achievement. That panda caca-brained bitch should not be holding a microphone anywhere. She should be sitting in the corner with a huge DUNCE cap on her head while Ryan Gaycrest spoon feeds her tapioca pudding.

At last night's BRANGIE LOSE AGAIN AWARDS (YAY!!!), DePandasAss separately interviewed the holy couple. Brad Pitt and St. Angie probably agreed to grace E! with their presence because the yappy gay chihuahua known as Gaycrest was not around. Instead, they got to talk to the town idiot Giuliana.

You know, if St. Angie was staring at me with her haughty ass face, silently judging me, I wouldn't ask stupid questions like, "What has Brad taught you about life?" DUMB FUCK WHORE! Doesn't Giuliana know that St. Angie is the one that does the teaching in that family? She's the all-knowing one. I would've asked that bitch, "Why are you being so uncool right now, you gross bitch?!" But Giuliana is only capable of asking the questions that are fed into her earpiece. And DePandasAss wasn't even fazed by St. Angie trying to stun her with death blinks. No, DePandasAss' shield of stupidity was able to block that shit.

And then when it was Brad's turn to throw mind rocks at the biggest fucktard on the red carpet, he was asked, "Does Angie's beauty ever get old." MORON! The answer to your stupid question was standing in front of you seconds ago. YES, DePandasAss, the beauty is OLD.

Anyway, here's these two at the SAG Awards last night. Yes, Angie is wearing another hospital gown designed by Ambien. The one she wears to every damn awards show. In different colors, of course.

JLo didn't wear her wedding ring to the Golden Globes on Sunday because it got stuck up her ass when she tried to get that stick out. No, the mega bitch says it just didn't go with her dress. She told InTouch (via NYDN), "Every time I'm not wearing my ring, people think I'm getting divorced. That's crazy! It just didn't go with the dress."

Many things didn't go with that dress. Like a vagina for one, because that shit belonged on a drag queen. And Skeletor really didn't go with that dress, because the only thing he looks good with is a crypt.

JLo didn't wear that tacky piece of trash because she knew everyone would be talking about it and the ho needs to see herself on the cover of tabloids. It makes her feel relevant. And here I am doing exactly what she wants. That bitch!

Nobody makes me want to do harm to my laptop monitor the way Fishsticks Paltrow does. But I have to take a deep breath, stuff an Oreo Cakester in my mouth and realize it's just the messenger. I really should torture a big plate of Gorton's.

So, you know what Fishy thinks of those who don't like her big, steaming pile of maggot covered poop called GOOP? She feels sorry for you. It gets better. She said, "I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something, and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of stuff is just noise to me. I just feel sorry for them."

All the energy I get from absolutely despising this hag isn't going to help me pull the stick lodged in her tight ass, because it's there forever. And the stick is who I feel sorry for the most. That stick has to put up with her runny caca for the rest of its days. Her asshole could bawl brown tears every second of the day from her stupid ass detoxing and that stick would still not fall out.

And let me just sprinkle a little more of her pretentious butt nuggets on you. When asked why she decided to start a newsletter where she can talk about drinking a half-cup of castor oil to get the shit going and her favorite $10 million cashmere toe covers, she said, "I have this incredible, blessed, sometimes difficult, very lucky, very unique life, and I've gotten to travel all over the place and to work and live in different cities. … I go on tour with my husband and go to cities I would never necessarily go to. So I started accruing all of this information. I am the person my friends call when they want to know: "I am redoing this bathroom, and I want a sink that looks midcentury, but a contemporary version of a midcentury. Where should I go?" or "How do I make your (recipes)?" … I thought this would be a fun, creative way to share with friends."

Oh. My. God. For someone who promotes eating seeds and grass to stay healthy, this bitch really makes me want to eat a jumbo bowl of sugar, preservatives and fat. And that's what I'm going to do right now to keep me from strangling an innocent fishstick.

I will admit that when I'm watching a movie in a theater and some dumb ass whore is yapping away like they are sitting in their damn living room, I think to myself, "Damn. I want to turn this straw into a shank and stab this bitch in the mouth!" Well, some dude in Philadelphia had even worse thoughts and carried that shit out!

29-year-old James Joseph Cialella was arrested after he shot a dude in the damn arm for running his mouth during a showing of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button in Philadelphia on Christmas Day. I think James Joseph Cialella just became an honorary Brangaloonie for busting a bitch during Brad's movie!

Police say that James asked a family sitting in front of him to shut their damn mouths during the movie. They didn't stop, so he threw popcorn at their asses. When that didn't shut their mouth holes, James got up and approached the family. James had words with the father, the argument got physical and that's when he pulled out a gat and shot the man in his arm. After James put a bullet in the father's arm, he sat back down and continued to watch the movie like nothing happened. The victim was taken to the hospital and James was arrested. He was charged with with attempted murder, aggravated assault and weapons violations.

DAMN! Hood rat stuff to the extreme. Over Benjamin Button? I mean, what the fuck? Maybe James has a strange fetish for Brad Pitt in old face. I could see beating a ho over Showgirls or Marley & Me (BURN!!!), but Benjamin Button?! I swear, some people should not be allowed to leave the comfort of their own padded room. James shouldn't even be allowed to carry a watergun anymore. Talk about over-fucking-reacting.

This also serves as a warning to me, because I'm one of those bitches who tells whores to shut their fat lips during movies. I've been known to throw in a "Eat your tongue, cunt!" or "Shut the fuck up" to bitches who are ruining my theater going experience. The next time I do that shit, I could get shot in the arm! That must suck, laying there with a bleeding arm, thinking that the last thing you'll ever see is Brad Pitt with pepaw face. Sad!

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Pete Wentz is officially an annoying Simpson. He should legally change his last name to Simpson, because he belongs to them. He confirmed this shit by continuing to talk about crap nobody wants to hear coming from his pussy lips. Pete has already told us that he does it in Ashlee Simpson's buttgina and now he's talking about licking on her breast leche. Somebody needs to fart in this bitch's mouth already to shut him up.

On yesterday's Morning Mash Up show on Sirius radio, Pete described Ashlee's rancid titty milk, because we all wanted to know. Yes, while you're drinking that cup of coffee in your hand, I'm sure you were wondering what it would taste like with a little Ashlee Simpson chichi juice in it. Well, let Pete describe it for you: "Can I tell you, I've tasted it. My mom was sitting here, I swear to God she was sitting here and she's like 'It's the sweetest milk on the planet, you can't even...' - I was like 'What are you talking about?' It kind of tasted, I don't really know how to explain what it tasted like - it's kind of soury weird milk. The baby loves it, it's the only thing he's had a chance to have."

No, the baby has also had a heaping serving of piping hot bullshit every time you open your fugly mouth hole! Pete also continued to vomit up caca words by talking about the "luxury" of breastfeeding:

"I gained 10 pounds at least. I usually hang out around 135, 134, I go up to about 140, and when I hit 148, I get fat face. I’m working out a little bit, trying…I mean last night I decided to eat Virgil’s [BBQ] at midnight which is never a good idea…I’m feeling that a little bit today. For the most part, we’re going on walks – that kind of stuff. I think it comes off easier for her because she gets to breast feed and I don’t have the luxury of doing that."

SPOILER ALERT, Pete! You already have fat in the fucking mouth. Please take your fat mouth to the nearest fat farm and just stay there. Put your fat mouth on the damn treadmill.

Why hasn't Papa Joe done something with this douche? I mean, he finally has a reason to stick his soggy dick into Pete's mouth to stop the words from coming out. That's right, Papa Joe! Pull down and whip it out, because now is your chance to finally mouth slap Pete with your clammy worm peen.

VIA PopWrap and UsWeekly

Okay, if you want to breastfeed your kid until he graduates high school, fine. It's your titty milk, it's your kid, have at it! But don't think that bitches want to hear about that shit. Especially, when your son can talk about it.

Pregnant Kelly Rutherford, aka forever Megan Lewis to me, told UsWeekly (via P6) that she still squirts leche for her talking 2-year-old son Hermes and she loves it. She said, "It's an amazing bond with your child. I was thinner after my pregnancy than before, and I think a lot of it was the nursing."

When you can make small-talk with your son while he's sucking on your nip, maybe it's time to invest in a bottle or two. Actually, I shouldn't judge. At least Hermes can tell Kelly if her breast milk is too warm or rancid tasting. That way she can go stick her titty in the fridge for a few minutes.

Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie both have a line of headbands out and Mischa's got her cellulite in a twist, because she wants Nicole to step off her idea. Some bitch told Star Magazine (via Popcrunch), “Mischa is furious. She feels like Nicole completely copied her idea.”

I'm furious at both of these fugly ass slugs for trying to compete with the world's only premiere headband designer! Look at this hot slut below! How can you compete with this? Mischa and Nicole both need to take their headbands, shove it up their asses and leave headband designing to the real artist!

If Pocahontas was alive today, she would get on her knees and pay homage to headband design genius Phoebe Price!

Images: Wenn, Wireimage

Get out the Bounty and wipe the crocodile tears off your face, because Raffaello Follieri is not having a lovely autumn. Why you ask? It's because he's in fucking prison! Duh. What the hell did he expect? A merry gay orgy with endless supplies of lube, Baby Wipes and Donna Summer? WRONG. He got the gay orgy but without the lube.

Raffy Fullofshitti was sentenced to 4.5 years in the chokey for messing with Jesus. Raffy is currently being held at some joint in Brooklyn waiting to be moved to his permanent home. Even though his current home is temporary, he's still bitching about it. Raffy's lawyer filed a motion with the judge asking for her client to be moved, because his current cell conditions are gross.

He's bitching that the toilets are nasty, there's shit in the showers, rats are running around everywhere, the food is rotten, the stench is unbearable and he has to share a cell with 120 other dudes. That shit sounds better than some of the NYC apartments I've lived in!

His lawyer also said that the conditions have made him sick, causing him to run a fever. There's also blood in his piss. Wait. Has he ever fucked Wonky McValtrex?

Wah! Wah! Wah! Yeah, I'm sure he would rather be sleeping in a KMart bathroom (that shit is wretched), but such is life. He just needs to stick a finger in his brown eye, make himself another grilled cheese sandwich on the radiator and shut his Zach Braff-wannabe lips.

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