Shut Your Hole

As a summa cunt laude graduate of Ike Turner's Lady Beating Rehab University, Chris Brown learned that when your internal 9-year-old asshole gets mad over a mean lady asking you questions you don't like, you should reroute your fist from a person's face and aim for an inanimate object instead. That's what I got from the half-assed apology the shaved pony gave yesterday during an appearance on BET's 106 & Park.

The pus-oozing zit ripped off of Sisquo's chode apologized for his Good Morning America meltdown and instead of leaving it at that, he subtlety blamed the producers of GMA for going off the script. GMA and Robin Roberts still claim that Team Breezy (which sounds like the name of a losing team in a queef competition) approved all of the questions including the ones about Rihanna. While looking like the long-lost love child of Simon Phoenix and an untamed horse, Chris said this:

"First of all I want to apologize to anybody who was startled in the office, anybody who was offended or really looked disappointed at my actions because I was really disappointed in my actions. A lot of people don't know what went down. When I do shows or I do interviews we always send out a talking points sheet and if the network or whomever doing the interviewing isn't complying with what we want to do so we can equally accomplish a goal we usually back out until its a better situation.

When we actually did this event everything was cool. We was suppose to perform, the talking points were positivity, creative, and everything that was sent to me, everything was about the album. So as the interview proceeded it was thrown off, i was kind of thrown off by it. I felt like they told us this so that they can just get us on the show just to exploit me. That's what I thought. And so I took it very, very hard. I kind of kept my composure throughout the whole interview although you can see me upset. I kept my composure and did my performance and when I got back I let off steam in the back. I didn't physically hurt anyone I didn't try to hurt anyone. I just wanted to release the anger I had inside me cause I felt like I worked so hard for this music. And I love my fans and I love to be able to make positive music that I felt like people kept, just trying to take it away from me, take away from me. So yes, I got very emotional and I apologize for acting like that."

The next time Chris Brown feels the need to blow off steam, he should do so literally by putting his mouth over a train's steamer. Every window thanks him in advance for this. But really, can't this toothy anus apologize without throwing subtle blame at GMA. "The window made me do it!" Guess what. Sometimes in life, people ask you questions you don't like. Like when the laundry dude asks me if I wipe because my chonies should be declared a toxic zone. Do I take that as a threat and bash a window in? NO! (Note: The laundry dude doesn't ask me that question. Not every time, anyway).

And let's end this with some words of wisdom from Mom Breezy:

CHRISBROWN IS GODS ANNOINTED!!!!
about 19 hours ago via web

Can somebody please escort God to the nearest LensCrafters, because his eyesight needs checking. He was supposed to anoint Steve Urkel, not Chris Brown!

A mishap is when you accidentally send your Churro peen pictures to World Star Hip Hop or the stylist chosen for your photo shoot has a strange fetish for all things Family Matters related. Those are mishaps. "Mishap" can not be used to describe the beating of Rihanna. But that's exactly the word Chris Brown used in his interview with Page Six Magazine. Chris made it sound like the whole thing is just one giant shrug to him. Casper should've put his hand over Chris Brown's mouth when he had the chance. Here's what Chris said:

“People are always gonna talk. But I’m in a positive place. I consider myself a grown-ass man. And at the end of the day, if I walk around apologizing to everybody, I’m gonna look like a damn fool.

A handful of people stuck by me. But when [most] people see certain things happen to somebody, they usually turn away. They don’t want to get involved with it because they don’t want their name attached to anything negative. Unknowingly, they kind of show their true colors when they do that. But you can’t blame people for how they want to be portrayed or if they don’t want to be associated with somebody who had a particular mishap.

People kind of get clouded, and then when they get up to the top, they kind of lose a bit of themselves and they’re not as humble. So knowing how it can be taken away and given back and taken away again, it kind of just taught me to be focused.”

Since this bitch looks like a third-rate Urkel impersonator, he should've stayed in character and simply said:

Lindsay Lohan will make fun of her own situation if it gets her an extra 5 minutes of relevancy and/or a money order made out to cash. But if anybody else uses the Lohan name in a joke, LiLo digs the built-up bronzer that usually clogs up her tear ducts and starts weeping out a dry ravine of fraudulent sad drops over it. When oh when is the world going to realize that the Lohans are in the same company as kittens with cleft palates, Carol Channing and toddlers in tiny wheelchairs (aka things we don't make fun of)!!! Lorne Michaels learned this very lesson when he received an e-mail from Lindsay Lohan after Miley Cyrus made fun of her on SNL. Lorne should make Seth Meyers read it during Weekend Update next week, because it will probably get the biggest laugh.

A source has let TMZ know that LiLo has always considered Lorne a friend, mentor and father figure, so she was more than upset that he gave the greenlight for their public mocking of her. Lorne hasn't hit the "reply" button yet, apparently.

Whatever happened to the LiLo who put her internal anger and pain into writing riveting rock ballads like "Confessions of a Broken Heart"? She's like a bawling baby who smells like expired collagen and Red Bull urine. The LiLo of today is constantly butt hurt for absolutely no reason. Who wants to be butt hurt without having butt sex? That's no fun. I swear, this WAH WAH WAH bitch is crying at everything. I bet when she watches "It Gets Better" videos, she thinks they are talking to her.

Cry me a river, ho! No, seriously, please do, because that river is probably 100 proof. Get your cups out!

Remember when Michael Lohan released a statement stating that he will not longer state his opinion on his daughter's life in public statements? Well, that lasted about as long as a full bottle of whiskey in White Oprah's presence. Michael continued to fuck the media mic with his mouth over and over again. And once again, Lindsay Lohan isn't having it and she has released her own statement stating that she wants her father to stop stating statements in statements. This comes after the news that Michael Lohan is in Celebrity Rehab for "anger management" issues. (Wishful advice Dr. Drew gives to MiLo: every time you have an anger, make a fist and let it out on your own face). But anyway, here's the statement LiLo issued to Radar about her father's statement:

"I am sorry that my father has continually chosen to speak publicly about our relationship, my mother, my siblings, and my professional team. I am working through my recovery day-by-day and find his public media bouts unnecessary and damaging."

The entire Loclan (minus Nana, of course) need to immediately check into rehab for addiction to release fucking statements. Statementholics, all of them! How hard is it for LiLo to pull her father's head out of his ass, flick the dingles out of his ear holes and tell him to his face to stop talking about her? I mean, LiLo is close to releasing another statement to Radar that reads: "I am sorry that my mother has continually refused to pull down the toilet seat and aim for the center before making a drunk poo. It is unnecessary and damaging to my bathroom tiles."

We know you all hate each other more than you hate soap, so you don't need to keep telling us.

You know that dumb "communication exercise" where only the person holding the "talking stick" can speak? Well, every single Lohan (minus Nana, again) has one shoved up their assholes. Somebody needs to pull the sticks out (Nana, this goes out to you) already so we can be done with all these stupid statements.

The free clinic's nemesis Justin Bieber has already given his Connect Four discs on the issue of abortion, and now Kanye West is warning ballers to beware of gold diggin' bitches and their high-priced abortions. Really, what the hell kind of Planned Parenthood is Kanye going to? Does Planned Parenthood have an outpost in the basement of Barney's we don't know about? Does their abortion procedure include reupholstering your pussy in mink, gilding your clit with 25k gold and dusting your labia with crushed canary diamonds? Gay Fish and his fancy abortions!

Yeah, I know Kanye is really saying that you have to pay a gold diggin' bitch off to have an abortion, but I'd like to believe that he really thinks it costs $50k or more. Planned Parenthood should send Kanye several $50k invoices for fancy abortions rendered to see if he pays.

And just so Kanye knows, a true gold diggin' bitch will have the baby on the down low and the hit the baller up for $50k a month for child support. #shutup

Source: The Twatter House of Gay Fish via Jezebel

Lea Michele from Glee is about as irritating as a thong made out of piano wire, but she's a 23 year old woman, so nobody should say shit if she wants to bare her chest cutlets on the cover of a magazine. But guess what? Some parents are screaming "HARLOT!" from their church pews. They say that since Lea plays a high school girl on a TV show their teen kids watch, she has a responsibility to stop posing like a ho. One parent had this to say to Fox News:

“I think Lea Michele is sending the wrong message. She plays such a ‘good girl’ on ‘Glee’ and a lot of kids look up to her persona. Then she poses very provocatively on two magazine covers which makes my almost-13-year-old son very confused and offended. I find it frustrating as a parent who is trying to teach right from wrong to their kids and then you have things like this happen which is showing middle schoolers things like sex sells and all that goes along with that.”

I hate to break it to this mom, but the contorting face her 13-year-old son made when he looked at this cover of Cosmo wasn't from him being SHOCKED, CONFUSED and OFFENDED. Dude had an unexpected visitor followed by a fucking accident, if I ain't being too subtle.

The teen child of every parent complaining about this would probably get an A++++ on Cosmo's "Sex Quiz" and gladly offer up extra credit. A "Bitch Please" to all these parents. Lea's annoying ass isn't tainting anybody's innocence.

And Fox News also thinks it was inappropriate for Lea to say that her idea of a perfect night involves drinking a glass of wine while Skype-ing with her boyfriend. Oh, please. We all know that Lea's idea of a perfect night involves slapping sleeping babies in a hospital nursery so that she can gargle with their tears of pain, so she actually cleaned it up a bit for Cosmo. Fox News needs to give Lea that at least.

Because writing a tell-all about your sister's life makes you an authority on creepiness, Madge's brother Christopher Ciccone tells Radar that he thinks her fascination with humping babies is borderline creepy. Madge and Christopher haven't exchanged words since his tell-all came out three years ago, so he has to deliver his thoughts on her personal life via the media. Madge is currently nursing 24-year-old French dancer Brahim Zaibat, and she burped Baby Jesus before that.

I guess, Madge isn't going to ask Christopher to babysit her boyfriends after she finds out what he has to say about her choices:

"I guess if she continues to date all these much younger guys, it could start to look creepy. But I think that a lot of Madonna's emotional needs are met by taking care of her children; these boyfriends must really be like a kind of distraction for her. She certainly isn't following societal values, but then again my sister never has and probably never will either."

Yes, Madge's relationships with Baby Brahim and Baby Jesus could be used as inspiration for a Tales from the Crypt episode, but Christopher needs to shut his pumpple hole. Like Christopher would really turn down a 20-something twink's offer to fuck him between his chins. Nope. Christopher would not turn that chin fucking offer down.

Well, what do you know? The girl who fell into a mall fountain, because she wasn't paying attention while texting is not a 20-something text addict like I originally thought. She's a 49-year-old born again Christian who is putting together a lawsuit against the Berkshire Mall in Wyomissing, PA for laughing at her fail instead of checking to see if she's alright.

Cathy Cruz Marrero, who just started a job at the mall, tells The Reading Eagle (via DM) that she was texting a message to a church friend when suddenly she found herself with a face full of water and fountain pennies. Cathy shook off her embarrassment and shuffled off without knowing that the security footage would soon be seen by over a million laughing hos. Cathy is not amused.

"My issue is I don't think security was professional because they didn't send anyone to check on me until 20 minutes later and I had already left. Instead of laughing, they should have said, 'Is she OK?' and been down there right away to check on me."

Cathy's lawyer adds that they are investigating the "incident" and will take legal action:

"We are troubled by the fact that anyone at the Berkshire Mall responsible for releasing this video would find humor in an employee injured on the premises. We intend to hold the appropriate persons responsible. No one from that security office came to her aid in a timely manner."

When Cathy talked to security management, they said that the video isn't a big deal because you can't recognize her face. But Cathy claims that a friend from church called her that night to see if she was okay, because he recognized her walk.

Recognized her walk?! The sky just flickered, because Jesus made a "SAY WHAT?!" face.

99.9999% of us wouldn't have ever known the woman in that video is 49-year-old Cathy Cruz Marrero of Pennsylvania if she didn't come forward. Doesn't Cathy know that in some cases, if you don't admit it, it didn't happen. When I fart in a crowded elevator you don't see me raising up my hand and admitting guilt. You see me throwing a "YOU NASTY!" face at everyone around me.

And since Cathy is a Christian, she should view her fountain fall as an encore baptism. That's a beautiful thing.

White Oprah is waving her favorite coke-scoopin' finger at Dawn Holland, the chemical dependency technician at Betty Ford who got into it with Lindsay Lohan, for sprinkling lies all over the incident report. Dawn claims that in the middle of her war with the little cokey who can't, LiLo called up White Oprah about taking a breathalyzer test. Dawn's side of the story is that White Oprah told her precious child to just say no to that shit. But White Oprah says she never said that. Yes, White Oprah was most likely tanked and lying half-face first in an ash try outside of Bennigan's during the call, but as far as she knows she didn't say that! White Oprah defended herself to TMZ:

"I stand behind my daughter 100% ... the whole thing with the woman is a little sketchy. With all the fabulous employees they have, it's unfortunate that someone with this kind of background gets through. I stand behind Betty Ford. It is such a fabulous facility. They have been nothing but great. They really helped my daughter and changed my life, too."

The "background" White Oprah is referring to is the accusations by Dawn Holland's ex-husband that she once beat his ass when they were still married. White Oprah does have a point, though (no, she doesn't have a point, though). How can Betty Ford let someone like that get through? Just like how can a delusional enabling shriveled pimp who would sell her child's internal organs for a menthol be allowed to raise a living thing that breathes?

Seen here flashing a scar she got on her head from trying to make a really deep thought that one time, Heidi Montag is still crying Botox tears of sadness to Life & Style about how having 20 plastic surgeries a year ago has left her body bruised and scarred like a Spider-Man cast member. Yeah, fuck those needy orphans who will be sad on Christmas morning because their stockings will be empty. Pour all your sympathy into Heidi's cup instead. And FYI: When trying to push out a tear for Heidi, the tension might cause you to push out a slightly wet fart instead. That'll work too.

Heidi cries to Life & Style that trying to turn herself into a Chrissy Crocker Real Doll has left her factory defected in every single way including: "a 2-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back, lumpy legs and four spots left on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction, a bright-red mark inside her right nostril, uneven boobs, a stretched mark on her chest and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job."

Heidi, whose very own Dr. Frankenstein died in a car crash, went on to say that every time she looks at her scars she's reminded of the mistake she made. And then she low-blowed her dead plastic surgeon with this: "People have fewer scars from car accidents than I have on my body."

And then she also low-blowed Edward Scissorhands when she said this: "I would love to not be 'plastic girl' or whatever they call me. Surgery ruined my career and my personal life and just brought a lot of negativity into my world. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back. Instead, I'm always going to feel like Edward Scissorhands."

And yet she still has to have another surgery to get the talking pus-filled hemorrhoid known as Spencer Pratt removed from her ass. But I do love how it was only a year ago when she was queefing happiness over her new plastic body.....while collecting a check. And now she's repeatedly crying about how much she hates her new body.....while collecting a check. I wonder what Heidi's next trick will be? It's a shame that the plastic surgeon removed most of her internal organs and lady parts to give her a thinner waist, because how is she going to kick the Teen Moms off all the tabloid covers by declaring that she's knocked up?