Princess Zac

Purdy Zac Efron showed up to the premiere of The Hangover in Hollywood looking like he was suffering from one. Zac wants us to think he that just rolled off of his satin Barbie bedspread, but you know he spent hours perfecting his pucker and coif in front of his Illumina lighted makeup mirror. Preciousness like this takes time!

Your insides may be screaming "Cut yo hair! You look like Carol Brady!," but calm yourself. Zac Efron is HIS HAIR. It's all of him!!! If you cut it, he would melt down into a puddle of lukewarm bronzer and L.A. Looks mousse.

If his mop was butchered, it wouldn't be the same when he flirtatiously flips it while laughing at one of Leonardo DiCaprio's jokes. And his hair wouldn't blow in the wind like Christie Brinkley in National Lampoon's Vacation when he's speeding down the highway. Don't take that away from him!

And I feel like it's high time Salon Selectives remakes this commercial starring Zac Efron.

And now you will join me by having this song stuck in your brains for the rest of the week. Saaaaaalon glo-oh!

Because Hollywood still hates us and is slowly trying to destroy humanity with all their barf-covered remakes, they will make a film version of Jonny Quest with Zac Efron in the title role. The L.A. Times (via Coming Soon) confirms that Zac pulled out his precious Lisa Frank pen and signed on the dotted line. Warner Bros. is thinking of changing the name so it won't be compared to the epic flop Speed Racer. Might I suggest Jonny Queen?! Just thinking about the glittery poster is making my eyeballs erect.

Warner Bros. didn't say who is directed this wreck, but there's rumors that the dude who directed Race to Witch Mountain will butcher this.

I haven't seen Jonny Quest in a long ass time, but isn't he like 11-years-old? Zac is 21 and he keeps playing little children. At this rate, it won't be too long before he's starring in a remake of Look Who's Talking as the fucking baby.

But Zac as Jonny is good news for child touchers. Think about it. Zac as a blonde 11-year-old twink? Their sucio dreams have come true!

....this shit from Funny or Die would be 100% unwatchable. It's a group of useless dumb whores trying to bring the laughs.

If you've got a serious case of the boreds, take a crack at this. Actually, if you're bored, go arrange your panties by color, scent and skid (or period juice) mark size, then watch this shit. Wait. No, don't watch it yet. After you finish sorting your genital covers, go to your bathroom mirror and successfully recreate all of Ty Ty Bank's "275 smiles." After that, slowly pluck out every last one of your pubic hairs to make a pair of Passover mittens for your bestest Jewish friend. Wait, but only if your pubic hairs are kosher. FINALLY, when you've conquered all those things, you can watch this video, because that means you're bored-er than bored.

After Zac Efron decided he will not prance around like a pretty pretty princess in the Footloose remake, I thought the studio whores would stop the butchery and shut this shit down for a different day. Nope. Apparently, they are continuing to search for the perfect set of twinkly feet to take over for Kevin Bacon. And they may have found the one in the Home Depot-version of Zac, Chace Crawford. I say that because Chace is just a bit dykier than Zac. A bit.

Marc Malkin at E! says Chace sang for his life and danced like the planets were colliding during a test for the lead role this weekend. A source said that he did really well.

The movie's name should be Assloose, because they are looking for the prettiest pussy boys in Hollywood. Damn. They just keep getting more precious and beautiful. If Chace doesn't pass, they should get Ellen Degeneres to test. Better yet, just put Keira Knightley in a fucking wig and have her flitter about. She'd probably be more manly than Zac. And if that doesn't work out for them, they could just shoot one of those ballerinas in a box for 2 hours with the Footloose music playing in the background. For serious.

Zac Efron has pulled out of the Footloose remake and will not butt fuck it to shreds. Paramount confirmed that Zac's twinkly feetsies will not fill the dance moves left behind by Kevin Bacon. That's the good news. The bad news is they plan to go ahead with this fuckery anyway!

They released this statement that smells like caca baking on a sidewalk: "Footloose is a project we've longed to see re-booted for a new generation. While Zac is no longer attached, we remain excited and committed to the collective brain trust of Kenny Ortega, Neil Meron and Craig Zaden, who will reinvigorate the franchise. Their fresh take on the film will undoubtedly be filled with the same kind of breakout performances that we've come to expect from them."

Translation: "We couldn't afford Zac's daily bronzer budget."

Paramount should take this as a motherfucking sign. If Zac Efron doesn't want to shake his starhole in their movie, then they should probably just file it under "Ideas that failed" and go on their merry way. This shit was obviously not meant to be destroyed. Maybe next lifetime.

Here's pretty pretty Zac sashaying his way through Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris today. Just ignore the Kanye West in the room. Pretend he's not there. It's for your own good. Several scientific professionals have urged me not to feed his ego after dark.

There's no way Zac Efron is going to fuck with the pretty (or his manicure) by pumping gas. Zac is way too fragile and pristine for that business, so he forced his main homegirl Vanessa Hudgens to get her ass out of the car to fill up her own hole. Something tells me she's used to sticking foreign objects into a gassy hole. And Zac just smiles.

Zac should try it sometime. Pumping gas that is. When I lived in L.A., one of my favorite things to do was to stick it in, stand back and just inhale the fumes.... This is explains why I only have half a brain cell that you have to hit to get working.

Well, there's only one problem with that. I don't think the Pregnant Dude wants to be left alone. You know, when he first came on the scene, I felt a little overprotective of him. The more I look at him, the more he's really starting to look like my dad. I know I called him "hot" before, but I take that all back (times ten), because he now reminds me of my dad. And my dad pretty much always looked 8-9 months pregnant. But he didn't have a baby in there. He had a fucking brewery growing in his belly.

I go back and forth with this whole situation. At first, I applauded Pregnant Dude because I felt he was just telling the world that some bitches are different and there's nothing wrong with that. I didn't mind that he posed half-nekkid for magazines or gave interviews. I didn't even blink when he said he was writing a book about the whole thing. But then he announced that he was knocked up again and started doing the talk shows round. I mean, in the pictures above from Friday, he's on his way to a TV show in Spain. What's next? A reality show? A recording contract? And then before we know it he's going to be flashing his genital parts while getting out of cars in front of Villa.

But then again, I'd rather see paparazzi pictures of him than a million pictures of MileyVanessaHudgensTisdale or any of those other dumb whores. I don't know. I'm torn.

You know what has offended me about these pictures? The Louis Vuitton bag! Come on, Pregnant Dude! Have some taste! If he's going to be whoring himself out, he needs a stylist!

With Vadge and Guy Ritchie's dumbass divorce getting so much attention, I thought I'd show a little love to the sexiest member of that family - Carlos Leon. We should show our appreciation for him by sitting on his face and spinning while humming "Deeper and Deeper." Since we can't do that without getting arrested and having a restraining order put on us, here's some lovely pictures of him with Lourdes.

No wonder Vadge chose his ass as her sperm donor. That bitch is hot. You know that peen hangs low and it wobbles to and fro. You can tie it in a knot. You can tie it in....you get it.

Carlos looks like he might slap you in the teefs if you get out of line, but I need that kind of discipline every now and again. I can even look past that creepy ass tattoo.

If Carlos Leon isn't your cup of hot leche, I've also throw in some pictures of pretty, pretty Princess Zac Efron for all the tweens, pedos, make-up fetishists and dom daddy tops out there.