Ryan Gosling

Where there's a Ryan Gosling covering his face with a Famous Monsters Magazine, there's a Joyce DeWitt look-alike who's trying to strap herself to his carry-on so he has no choice but to take her on a sky ride of love.

So yeah, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are still nibbling on each other's wet parts and suddenly they're all coy about it. Ryan and Eva spent their New Year's in NYC together, and when they showed up at JFK and arrived at LAX yesterday, they both had their faces covered like my one-night tricks when they leave my apartment in broad daylight. (Or like my family members preparing themselves for the rancid scent of invisible butt smoke when I reached for a fourth piece of pistachio cake at Christmas Day lunch.)

Either these whores have a spray of herp sores on their mouths or they're turning on the STUNT QUEEN moves for the holidays. Eva Mendes is really acting like the camera flashes down give her life and like she didn't e-mail all the paps her exact itinerary. Bitch, give George Costanza his hat back and get over yourself.

Although...if I was walking around with some dude wearing a trucker hat and the year wasn't 2003, I'd probably cover my mug out of embarrassment too.

The screeching sound of fangirls drowning their pressed emotions in the bloody tears that poured out of their eye holes did not get to Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes as they casually sashayed among the dead at the Pere Lachaise Cemetery in Paris yesterday. Crazed Gosling fangirls (Is there a name for them yet? Goslingers? Gos Warriors?) dug up graves with their bare claws, pulled the skeletons out and threw themselves in the coffins since there's no reason for them to live anymore now that Ryan is still with that scheming skank whore slut. But Ryan didn't seem notice, because the hipster dude shades on his face filters out all ugliness. Ryan stays cool at all times. It was just Ryan, his girl, dead people and the paparazzi that just so happened to be there at the same time.

Now, I'm not saying that this was a completely staged photo-op, but if you told me that one of those tombs was converted into Eva's make-up and wardrobe room, an emotion called shock would not fill my body. But Eva's selfish ass could've at least wore a green screen suit to make it easier for Ryan's fangirls to Photoshop themselves into these pictures. Holiday cards have been ruined because of that bitch!

As you can see from the vintage picture above of Justin Timberlake and Ryan Gosling with their Mickey Mouse Club castmate Jennifer McGill, they were once best friends forever who did hood rat stuff (more like country club mouse stuff) together. Now that their grown men with pubes and shit, Justin normally keeps their matching best friends forever necklaces shiny by only saying nice shit about Ryan. But Justin got bold during a conversation with his new homegirl Jimmy Fallon for GQ. Timberpuddle tried knock the Pabst right out of Ryan's hand by subtly saying that he (in my best God Warrior voice) IS NOT A HIP-STAAAAAAAAH.

Jimmy Fallon: Dude, I was just talking to [Ryan] Gosling about that. Did Gosling really live on your couch when he was a kid?

Justin Timberlake: So he tried to make it seem like he was bohemian even back then?

Jimmy Fallon: Definitely, man. He said he was struggling and you helped him out.

Justin Timberlake: Ryan's mom had to stay back in Canada and my mom was his guardian for a year so he could come down and be on the show. But Gosling got his own bed. He didn't sleep on the couch. He said that?

Jimmy Fallon: It's a better story!

Justin Timberlake: I'm picturing a ten-year-old Gosling bumming Marlboro Reds off some bum, growing hipster facial hair...

There's Justin setting his tongue to DOUCHE again. This bitch is obviously feeling a world of jealousy, because some people actually go to Ryan's movies and Justin's last movie flopped straight into the $1 theater, where it sold a grand total of two tickets, but only because a couple of sluts needed a private place to fuck.

Justin and Ryan obviously need to hug out their differences while recreating the magical picture above. Don't you miss the old days when Justin had baby gay face and a white boy Jheri curl?

At last night's TIFF premiere of The Ides of March, Stacy Keibler's temp job as George Clooney's piece of the moment officially started. I'm sure Stacy got a passing grade during her first day on the job review since she followed the two rules: try to look as hot as possible and swallow the word "marriage" if it ever tries to crawl up your throat and jump out of your mouth.

While wearing a 90s black velvet dress from the archive closet of Contempo Casuals, Stacy posed by herself on the stroll and kept her words to a minimum when hos asked about George. Like when People asked her what she liked about George, all she said was this:

"Everything!"

Good answer, bitch. The professional trainers in the Hos of George Clooney Division at the Manpower temp agency trained her well. But the Miss Cleo in all of us (and there is a Miss Cleo in all of us) knows how this is going to play out. Stacy is all smiley and quiet now, but it's only a matter of time before she starts to get bold and casually lets out the danger word that forces George's b-hole to push out the strap-on and snap for security to bring empty cardboard boxes for her shit. Then before she knows it, Stacy is standing in the hallway of The George Clooney Halfway House For Dumped Girlfriends waiting for Sarah Larson to hang up the payphone after she finds out if her manager at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone is going to give her another shift.

Milk that shit while you can, Stacy. It's obvious who George is really going to end up with. No, not Brad Pitt. I'm talking about this loyal homegirl right here:

Your mama is going to make George Clooney happier than anybody ever could!

Here's more from last night's Ides of March thing. In order: Stacy Keebler Elf, The Clooney, Ryan Gosling with his mama, Evan Rachel Wood (thinking she's Madonna at the end of the Open Your Heart video), Dave Matthews, Marisa Tomei and Kate Mara with Max Minghella.

Over at UsWeekly, they have pictures of the struttin' Canadian Magic Kingdom we know as Ryan Gosling "canoodling" with Eva Mendes at Disneyland on Saturday night. Ryan and Eva are currently shooting that movie together where he plays a death eater trash version of Draco Malfoy who left the wizard world to work as a house painter by day and a scooter racer by weekend (see above). A source type says that Eva and Ryan have always been friends, but now that she's single and they're working together, their fuck parts are really heating up for each other. And they made that shit perfectly clear at Disneyland.

Yes, Ryan is still hard up on Disneyland the same way your lady nipples are hard up for him. I swear, if Ryan told me he wanted to take me to the happiest place on earth for some churro eatin', I'd be throwing a pissed look as soon as he got off on Katella Blvd. from the 57 freeway. Nothing kills a boner like the sight of Katella Blvd. UsWeekly had this to say about Ryan's latest union:

"They were very playful. Eva was skipping around like a little girl...She would lean into him and she held his arm the entire time."

And the sexy twosome did Disneyland right -- riding the Toy Story ride, the California Screamin' rollercoaster, a Little Mermaid adventure and the ferris wheel, snacking on churros, cotton candy and corn on the cob. "She fed him," the onlooker says.

When the hipster maple leaf wants to really make a lady feel special, he takes her to anywhere but Disneyland since he takes all of his tricks there. BlakeLivelyOliviaWildeRachelMcAdamsKikiDunstetc.. They've all held his hand as the Toy Story ride attendant said to him "Why hello there, Mr. Gosling. Right this way to your favorite car. You prefer the yellow cannon, am I correct?"

If Ryan ever asks you out on a date, just ask him for the Fast Pass into his pants so you can bypass all that wooing at Disneyland shit.

While dressed like a deckhand on the Hipster of the Seas, Ryan Gosling sashayed straight into the middle of a NYC crosswalk fight and stopped one dude from breaking a canvas over another dude's head like in the cartoons. If there's such thing as a Human Whisperer, Ryan is it, because he can calmly soothe the hate in a raging bitch by promising to coddle them like a baby and tickle their eyeballs with his winks if they stop fighting. Ryan Gosling could make a shooting bullet stop, drop and grow ovaries just by licking his lips at it. Seriously, one of those dudes in that street fight is going to write a 1,200 word essay for The Morton Report about how Ryan Gosling saved his life.

We get it. Ryan is perfection wrapped in a maple leaf wrapped in more layers of perfection. Babies love Ryan! Apple-eating hipster dogs love Ryan! Everybody loves Ryan. Ryan is like Miracle-Gro for your ovaries. Blah. Blah. Blah. When Ryan does shit like this, thousands of legs open up and chochas shoot out a fountain of panty pudding that smells exactly like Quaker's maple and brown sugar oatmeal. Then when those chochas can't squirt anymore, they waddle on over to Rite-Aid to buy a tube of KY so they can continue salivate over how perfect Ryan is!

Who's going to break into the KY headquarters and go through their files to prove that Ryan was produced by them to boost sales? Ryan is stealth marketing for KY! Or for Quaker Oats. Or for ovaries. Or for all of the above.

via ONTD

I'll wait here while your ovaries twirl out of your vagina and form a heart shape around this picture before exploding into a white mist that will dance on a wave of wind to Upstate New York and land on the bottom of Ryan Gosling's jeans. Yup, that's what that is. Ryan took a break from charming the lens off of cameras with his maple syrup smoothness to sit on the front porch and bottle feed a baby friend while making eyes that say, "Hit Ctl + Alt + Pinch all you want, but this isn't a dream."

Meanwhile, that baby doesn't know whether to keep guzzling down the bottle leche or to laugh at the fact that Draco Malfoy is now a hipster house painter in Upstate New York. How the Death Eaters have fallen!

Here's more of Ryan Malfoy on the set of The Place Behind The Pines with a baby actor and Eva Mendes (who is obviously bringing the constipated ugliness to try to win an Oscar) yesterday. You probably didn't read a word of that since you were too distracted by your womb sitting on your shoulder while whispering "Get me that" into your ear over and over again. Your womb is so fucking tacky!

No, Ryan Gosling is not on the set of the sequel to Joe Dirt. Ryan Gosling is shooting some movie in Upstate New York called The Place Beyond the Pines and he supposedly plays a motorcycle stunt driver or something. That doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter that Ryan bleached his hair til it turned the color of yeast infection discharge (I've been Googling again). There are more important things to discuss like that fake tattoo on his face. What in punctuation mark hell is the meaning of that thing?

Is an exclamation mark tattoo under your eye like the opposite of a tear drop tattoo? Instead of saying that you've made radiator paninis in prison and/or murdered the life out of a person, is it saying you're so excited so excited because you beat a murder charge? (Casey Anthony meet Kat Von D.) Ryan's face can never look like it's showing an emotion other than SOEXCITED, because his eyeball is always shitting out an exclamation point.

You know, I'm once again over analyzing a non-issue. It's simple, Ryan just wants to make a statement without saying a word.

Here's Ryan Gosling struttin' his ass away from a bunch of gawkers who are ooh-ing and aah-ing at how awesome it is that every time they watch the hipster ninja walk away, a song by a band they've never heard of plays in their head and their tongue suddenly feels like it just licked the foam off of a can of Pabst. Seriously, when Ryan struts, a wannabe hipster gets his first skinny jeans.

It was just a regular day in the life for Ryan Gosling in NYC yesterday. Ryan made like a moose face to the paps during an iced tea break and then posed for the default Facebook profile picture of a handful of fans. Meanwhile, Ryan's Benji dog rolled his eyes on the inside wishing that his owner would stop mean mugging at the paps so that they'd go away and he can caca on the sidewalk in peace without the world knowing what his shit looks like. Think of Benji dog for once, Ryan.

And here's my new favorite couple Ryan Gosling and director Nicolas Winding at the Cannes premiere of Drive tonight. I'm totally nominating Ryan & Nicholas as hottest couple for the yearbook. WindLing 4 EVA! Yeah, I know they're not a couple COUPLE couple, but they're doing shit that most couples don't do it like: touch their heads so that an invisible heart frame surrounds them, kiss in public, have deep conversations about their inner most feelings and canoodle. (Sort of off-topic: one friend had to tell me that to him "canoodle" sounds like noodles made out of canary meat. And now the only thing I can think of when I see two people cuddling while standing is how they are making noodles out of canary meat with each hug.)

Anyway, the next time you think you're in love, take a picture with the bitch you think you're in love with. If it doesn't look EXACTLY like this, then dump the motherfucker and go on to the next. It's not true love! I know because Nicolas is making the same look I make when I pose with my Anderson Cooper pillow case in my bathroom mirror.