Ryan Gosling

Why does Ryan Gosling make my nipples stand up and my nalgas clench? This, I don't understand. Dude is borderline steamed spinach without lemon.

I mean, he looks like one of those dudes who won't call you for weeks, but then magically shows up at your door to hit that shit. You resist at first, but then the asshole flashes a "Yeah, I know how to do this" smile and before you know it, you're on board the bust nuts express. And I bet you that seconds after he pops a mess all over you, he gets up and says he needs to go have a cigarette by himself. Bitch doesn't even give you a paper towel! And then he walks outside and never comes back! A few weeks go by and the cycle repeats itself. If you see him in a bar or on the street within that time, dude probably doesn't even say hi. He just nods his head and gives you one of those cocky ass smiles that makes your genitals cry.

Okay, I just answered my own question. Swoooooooon.

Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling were all lovey-dovey in Toronto yesterday. I guess this means they're back together? Aren't they just the cutest thing? I could shit! However, you know what would make these pictures even sweeter?

Imagine a cute puppy bouncing around Ryan and Rachel. Rachel picks up the puppy, thinking her day has gotten even sweeter thanks to this innocent soul in her arms. Rachel and Ryan coo at the puppy in between kisses. It's all a sugary sweet picture. Then when Rachel and Ryan least expect it, the puppy bites off her ear lobes and rips off one of his finger nails. They both scream in pain as the puppy laughs and runs off.

Yes, I'm an insanely bitter bitch who needs to go and sit in a dark bathroom with a box of stale graham crackers and a glass of piping hot Haterade.

It's been a long ass time since I've done a "Panty Creamer of the Day," but I felt that Ryan Gosling's hotness was deserving of the title. Usually, I don't go for this kind of bland bitch, but I don't know what it is about him. He's a sizzling piece of bacon on a stack of hot maple-syrup covered pancakes. Yes, I know he's Canadian.

Here's Ryan buying me something special in West Hollywood yesterday.