Russell Brand

Yes, I'm with you on that headline, but it's Saturday morning, so I just can't! Anyway, here's Katy Perry doing the walk of pride (or shame) outside of Russell Brand's manwhore palace in London this morning. Usually The Center for Disease and Control is there to meet any chicks leaving Russell's house, but Katy must have called them to tell them she wore a full-body condom suit while she was there and marinated her hair in Listerine before she left so there was no need for them to stop by.

Kary and Russell reportedly just came back from having a good ole' fucking kinky sexy time in Thailand. Last night, they went to a party in London together.

I can't really blame Katy since I'd probably venture into Russell's crotch flea bush too even though I'd get a lecture from the free clinic afterwards. Wouldn't be the first time.

And IN THIS ECONOMY, at least Katy and Russell can share leggings....and panties?

Here's a little commercial for the MTV VMAs featuring Our Lady of Cheetos and Russell Brand having a conversation telepathically. Yes, Brit Brit is hearing voices in her head. It's time for Daddy Spears to mix a few more meds into her Velveeta grits.

And yes, I know Brit Brit is in on the joke....I think.

Russell Brand and his lady friend trolled the streets of NYC today looking like they've just crawled out of HoHan's dirty laundry hamper. Check your pockets, Russell, and you might find a little treat for your nostrils!

At first, I was going to make some joke about how they must go shopping in the juniors department together, but these two aren't sharing clothes. Well, unless homegirl wears Russell's man leggings as a shrug and Russell wears her jeans as a loose-fitting tube dress.

And can we talk about Russell's crotch area for a quick minute? What in the elephantine mangled dick hell is going on there?! Russell, if you don't want your crotch to look like it was just ripped out of Parasite Hilton's vagina jaws of death, then immediately throw those pants into the garbage disposal.

Russell Brand washed up to shore in Sydney, Australia yesterday and quickly zeroed in on a chick who was waiting for the ferry. Blohan's style twin slithered on over to the girl, turned on the sex and had his tongue down her throat in less in just a few minutes! Just like that, the girl had a case of the throat maggots. And you can't knock them out with q-tips dipped in rubbing alcohol! After he infected the poor bitch, Russell got on a boat and stripped down to his panties. A few second later, hundreds of storks drowned their asses in the ocean to stop the horrific image from replaying in their brains.

That being said, I'd hit it. Hey, at least he doesn't have skidmarks...that we can see.

Pants are for looooosers. A real slut shows off her smilin' snatch so others can smile back or frown at it, in this case.

That beat down, raggedy, hot weasel known as Russell Brand left a club in London last night with these two winners who look like they just crawled out of the toilet on the Rock of Love Bang Bus. The three Cumsketeers all shuffled back to Russell's whore palace at 3am for a cheese tasting....on his dick. And these two hookers will provide the crab crackers!

For real, what is wrong with pants? If the Jane Fonda workout video extra thinks wearing no pants will provide easier access, she's wrong. She still has to pull that shit to the side and hold it. Her friend has the right idea. She just has to lift and spread. Much easier access. And you can breath easy knowing these two didn't catch pneumonia from the cold. Their genital warts kept them nice and toasty.

Wino's twin brother, Russell Brand, and his prank calling partner, Jonathan Ross, were suspended by the BBC today after leaving gross messages on the voicemail of 78-year-old Fawlty Towers star Andrew Sachs. The pre-recorded show aired during Russell's Saturday night time slot.

In the voicemails, the two tell Andrew that Russell fucked his granddaughter Georgina Baillie. They also joked that Andrew Sachs might kill himself after finding this shit out. Above is the offending clip. I listened to the whole thing and I want my 9-minutes back so that I can use it for something productive like cleaning my dildo. Nothing offends me anymore, but it did give me a slight headache. I think our childhood crank calling sessions were more interesting than this shit.

The BBC received around 18,000 complaints. Because of this, they have announced that both Russell and Jonathan's shows are temporarily suspended while they investigate this shit. Russell makes around £200,000 a year for his show and Jonathan Ross makes £6 million a year for his hosting duties.

The Prime Minister even commented on this fuckery, “This is clearly inappropriate and unacceptable behavior, as is now widely recognized. Ofcom have said they will investigate the matter and it is for the BBC, the BBC Trust and Ofcom to take any appropriate action.”

Andrew Sachs said that he was not surprised about the suspension, but he isn't going to report the matter to the police. WHAT?! Go to jail for talking trash?! I'm a goner.

Andrew's granddaughter, who performs as Volptua in a burlesque group called the Satanic Sluts, told The Sun that she wants them both fired for her humiliating her. She said, “Russell Brand has embarrassed me by making a private relationship very public in the cruelest way imaginable. We were lovers but I trusted him as a friend as well. He has betrayed me for a few cheap laughs and left my grandfather distraught. Is that what the BBC calls entertainment?”

Okay, what's more embarrassing here? The world knowing that you effed Russell Brand? Or the fact that you're in a group called the Satanic Sluts? Click here to see Volptua's MySpace.

And here's some pictures of Russell dressed as Lindsay HoHan as he leaves his home and THE CLINIC (dun dun dun) in London yesterday.

UPDATE: Russell Brand quit that bitch today. He issued this statement: "I have apologized to Andrew Sachs for the rude messages I left on Oct 18th and he has graciously accepted. As I only do the radio show to make people laugh I've decided that given the subsequent coverage I will stop doing the show."

What in fake cellulite hell is going on here?! I thought Russell Brand was bumping chicken cutlets with international supermodel Phoebe Price!? PP obviously woke up and smelled the chicken broth, because she waaaaay too good for him. PP belongs with a hot hunk like Foghorn Leghorn.

Russell somehow managed to pick up the pieces of his broken heart. Russell has moved on by dating Australian actress Teresa Palmer. The Daily Mail reports that things are getting serious and Russell is looking to settle down. Before they settle down, can Teresa please shampoo Russell's hair?! His hair grease is practically splattering against my computer screen.

Russell and Teresa met on the set of "Bedtime Stories" and have been dating for about a month. I guess this is some kind of record for slutty Russell. Teresa needs to come to terms with the fact that she's just a rebound and Russell will always love PP. Teresa will soon find out the truth when she finds Russell jacking it over a plate of hot chicken cutlets.

Here's more of Russell and his rebound at the 02 festival on Friday. I also threw in some pictures of heartbreaker PP posing with magazines in Malibu. When is Publisher's Clearing House going to hire PP already? She loves magazines more than anybody else! If it was legal, she would marry every copy of Star Magazine.