The number one question asked at the Billboard Music Awards tonight was, "Why does it smell like a spoiled chunk of gouda marinating in a dirty diaper on top of a subway platform in the middle of August?" And that's because Ke$hit showed up with her ass hanging out.
The Garbage Pail Kids' favorite pin-up ho actually looks like she was just deflead at the groomers. Yes, that skin-colored lipstick gave her abortion face and her ass cheeks are hanging out (which is a health department violation, I'm sure), but she actually looks clean-ish her. Bitch looks like a male Russian gymnast on estrogen going to a funeral and that IS the look.
And here's some other tricks and tramps at the Billboard Music Awards tonight. In order after Ke$hit: Hell's favorite couple, Hell's second favorite couple, a broke down Harley Quinn, a block of Top Ramen at the ho shit prom, Psy, Justin Bieber's former au pair (wearing a dress accessorized with glow sticks and bendy rubber rollers), Shania Twain, Taylor Swift, an Amish robot and something called a Z LaLa.
Answer: Did I even need to ask?
New York's Department of Fish and Wildlife rushed to the Met last night, because they received dozens of panicked calls from people who were horrified to see a traumatized chipmunk struggling to get out of a net after getting viciously attacked by a porcupine. Oh, but it was just Miley being punk rock.
Most people probably didn't recognize Miley Cyrus at the Met Gala last night, because her ass cheeks weren't hanging out and because that electrocuted hair made everyone think she was that dude from Sum 41 (the one who was married to Avril Lavigne), so they just walked on by. Perfect disguise, Miley!
And here's even more pictures from last night. Basically, any trick in a borrowed dress could get in. My family gatherings have a stricter guest list than this shit had. In order: Messy Miley, the ghost of a homeless bridge urchin from the 1920s, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Katie Holmes (whose sheet dress can be used as an escape rope just in case the Scientologists come after her when she's on the second floor) Derek Hough in ballerina drag, Swifty, a Vulcan priestess (aka Coco Rocha), Linda Evangelista (who REALLY wants a role in Games of Thrones), Tiger Woods with a blonde who will hate him in a few months, Chelsea Clinton, Rooney Mara, the leader of a cult of hippie trolls, Tom Brady with Gis and Zachary Quinto (looking like Duckie from the Pretty in Pink after he got a job in Prince's band).
“A star is someone who doesn’t have to take her clothes off to be sexy because you naturally have star power. Sex does sell, but you have to find a way that’s not just showing your tits. I don’t want to be a glorified model. They just walk on stage and it’s all about their clothes – or lack of clothes.”
And now here's Miley showing every part of her tits but the nipples in V Magazine. This must be Miley's way of telling us that she's not a star. We already knew that, Miley!
This anarchist chipmunk meets butch hooker photo shoot is such a mess that I actually like it. Miley is trying so hard that she doesn't care if she splits her cooche in two by giving herself a first degree pussy wedgie. I don't even think she cares that some of her facial expressions make her look like she just made an oopsie in her panties. If Justin Bieber got titty implants and starred in a lesbian porn parody of Tank Girl, this is what the promo pics from it would look like.
And if you see Billy Ray Cyrus stumbling around the streets and mumbling to himself in between nibbling on a piece of possum jerky, it's because he saw these pictures and he's so, so confused.
Billy Ray Cyrus didn't write about Miley Cyrus' relationship with Liam Hemsworth in his new book Hillybilly Heart (that really is the name), because why give precious page space in his straight-to-the-clearance-shelf-at-Piggly-Wiggly memories to something that is going to end any second now? But Billy did tells Access Hollywood Live (via DS) about how Liam came to him and asked for his meal ticket's hand in marriage. Usually when an outsider asks for a hillbilly's daughter's hand, that hillbilly father will only allow it if it the outsider wins a naked wrestling match in a mud pit against a hog after downing two XXX jugs. Billy let Liam skip that challenge, but he did ask for something else.
"He didn't have to, but he did. He's got a really sweet side to him and he came in. They had the big rock. They [were] all bashful about it and then said, 'Hey, look at this'. And Miley was showing that ring and Liam kind of [said] a little something to me - it was kind of the professional question and I jokingly [said], 'Can I be in your brother's next movie?' And then I said, 'No, I'm joking'."
Here's Billy Ray working the hell out of his Mrs. Brady season 2 hairstyle while leaving GMA yesterday.
This might come as a shock to the zero of you who haven't seen that video of Miley Cyrus letting out a chipmunk cackle after sucking down a bong full of salvia smoke or haven't seen all the pictures of her swallowing a cloud of weed smog, but she likes to get high. Weed is to Miley as a Taco Party Pack for one is to Billy Ray Cyrus.
The trailer park Slytherin was hanging out with friends on her hotel balcony in Miami yesterday when the paps caught her smoking a blunt. Billy Ray would totally ground Miley for this, but then she'd probably take away the weekly allowance she pays him and then how would he buy his Taco Party Packs?!
But seriously, Miley's close friends and family should really stop her before shit really gets out of hand. They need to stage an intervention right away. They need to gather around her and calmly tell her that she's not only hurting those around her, but she's also hurting herself when she puts her hair in a top pony-tail like that! Loved ones don't let loved ones do themselves up like a derpy Bamm-Bamm Rubble.
That poor delicious blunt. It doesn't deserve to be sucked on by a trick who looks like a white sumo wrestler on meth.
And this is why I should mainline Death Wish coffee before I open up my laptop.
The chipmunk Slytherin spent all of her teen years working hard to put squirrel meat on the shopping cart grill, so she didn't get the whole "twerking in front of a video camera" thing out of her system the way most of us did before we turned 16. But since bitch doesn't have shit to do now, this is how she's spending her time. Last night, Miley Cyrus uploaded a 2 minute-long video of her shaking her ass in a unicorn onesie. Bitch looks more like a deranged boxing kangaroo with physical Tourettes. The most tragic part of all of this is that my caffeine-less brain spent the first few minutes of my morning trying to process all of this mess. I should really put a warning label on the front of my laptop that reads: "Do Not Operate Unless You Are Under the Influence of Caffeine Or a Mind-Altering Substance."
And here's Miley's maybe fiance Liam Hemsworth arriving back in L.A. last night. I keep refreshing the photo agency databases for pictures of Liam Hemsworth leaving L.A. this morning, because I'm sure as soon as he got home and saw this video of Miley trying to twerk, he turned right back around and got the fuck out of there.
On the back of his tire-less El Camino that's been parked on the front lawn of the Cyrus house for years, Billy Ray Cyrus is using wrappers from his Taco Party Pack to dry the chipmunk tears off of Miley Cyrus' face as she bawls into his moobs. Noah Cyrus has stopped working on the flower girl pole dance she planned to do on the altar and the Piggly Wiggly catering department has stopped catching possums for the reception buffet, because Miley's wedding to Liam Hemsworth is off!
A source tells Page Six that even though Miley screamed on Twitter about how her wedding is still happening, it isn't. The hillbilly wedding of the year isn't off because Liam allegedly got frostbite on his dick from fucking January Jones. The wedding is off, because Miley, a 20-year-old, is partying too hard and Liam doesn't like it. Page Six's sores (Freudian typo and it stays) put it like this:
“Miley and Liam are done; it’s over. She likes to party really hard and can be pretty wild. It became a problem for him. They have broken up before, and are broken up again now. There was drama because she suspected he had a wandering eye. And she recently tweeted a denial that he cheated. While Miley has insisted they are still together, right now they are very, very much apart."
Liam went off to Australia to be with his family and Miley's been running around L.A. without her hitchin' ring on her finger.
Liam just couldn't take Miley's partying ways? Liam's publicist is funny. The chipmunk Draco Malfoy is 20. That's what you do when you're 20. You get a fake ID (or if you're Miley, you just say "I'm Miley, let me in"), you party and you get as many Capital One credit cards as you can and you max them all out at the bar (or if you're Miley, you just use cash). Besides, I too would be deep throating a bong and cleansing my insides with moonshine if my dude was out sticking his tongue in every trick but me.
And if you're in Southern California, you better grab your Snuggie, because the temperatures are going to drop when the home wrecking icicle in a wig that is January Jones cackles into the air after hearing this news.
The chipmunk Susan Powter tweeted today that Billy Ray Cyrus and her cousins aren't driving toward Liam Hemsworth's house with a nail-embedded 2X4 in hand, because she didn't call off her wedding. Miley Cyrus twatted out the denial after Life & Style added more layers of escandalosoness (not really) to the rumor that Liam did her wrong by humping on Sienna Miller's home wrecker protégé January Jones the night before the Oscars. A witness type tells Life & Style that after January and Liam got close at the Chateau Marmont, they went to a house party together where she got on him like her bull dozer vagina was ready to wreck some homes! The witness said this:
“They went to a private house party, and right in the middle of the party, January was clinging to Liam, saying, ‘You’re so handsome.' He kept saying, ‘We can’t do this here.’ Then they left holding hands and went out in the hallway and were making out. She was wasted. It wasn’t good.”
A different source says that January is shameless when it comes to dudes and if your peen is taken, you move to the front of the line. So January could've gotten on Liam just to say that she can. MY SLUT HERO! But the other day, Lainey said in a blind item and in a post that Liam was flirting with Emma Watson at a pre-Oscar party and not January Jones.
Whatever the case may be, Miley isn't hearing any of that and she quit Twitter over all the useless noise filling her ears:
I am so sick of La. And sick of the lies that come with it. I didn't call off my wedding. Taking a break from social media. #draining
my new music is gonna shut everyone up.
not discussing anything but my music from now on.
Miley is right about her new music shutting everyone up, because it's kind of hard to talk shit when you're dry heaving while plugging your ear holes with your fingers.
I almost feel like this engagement was doomed from the beginning. Miley is only 20 and Liam is only 23 and they're both living the best years of their lives. What I mean by that is that they're at an age where they still have enough energy to be a huge whore.
And here's January Jonesingforyourman at the Miu Miu show in Paris today. This is what it would look like if Martian Girl from Mars Attack! was in a remake of Valley of the Dolls.
Miley Cyrus tweeted this picture of her with a very special friend who has more in its head than she does and has better hair. I know Miley is trying to be oh-so-edgeeeezzzz and I can appreciate her trying to get into the carpool lane, but I really don't need the image of Billy Ray Cyrus naked spooning with this blow-up doll while eating tacos. It's way too early for that.
Miley Cyrus completed her transformation into the chipmunk Billy Idol last night when she screamed out "Rebel Yell" at VH1 Divas Live. Since she's a hardcore rock bitch now, Miley grabbed at her cooter, molested her own chipmunk chichis and screeched out an ear drum-bursting sound that made Billy Idol pick up the phone and call a suicide prevention hotline. Who ever "she" is needs to stop crying out for MORE MORE MORE, because all of us want LESS LESS LESS of this mess. People call animal control when they hear sounds like the sound that came out of Miley's mouth last night.
Not only does Billy Ray's finest kin need to step away from rock songs forever, but she also needs to step away from all bottles of peroxide. Bitch is looking more and more like Jane Child's toddler son who was fed moonshine instead of milk as a baby. But on a positive note, I will slap a gold star on Miley's forehead for wearing a formal version of The Slut Dress.