Miley Cyrus

Try to read this quote from Miley Cyrus without thinking of a million "Oh, God" jokes. Please do this, because the FBI has chips in our brains and there might be trouble. Although, I already lost. Here's what 16-year-old Miley said about how her 20-year-old boyfriend brought her closer to God:

"I've never been closer to the Lord since I met him. He's really made me read my Bible. He's made me actually read the stories in the Bible -- not the quick little verses -- that not only help me, but show you how to help other people."

You know, I've never actually read the stories in the Bible either, so maybe Gaston can help me too. Actually, he should teach Bible study class! He can read the stories to us, take off his top, discuss the meaning of life, give us lapdances, sing us hymns, water himself down and join us in prayer! This is what he was meant to do!

VIA UsWeekly

Miley loves the pappies so much that when she misses them something fierce, she calls them up for a visit. Well, a visit that they have to pretend they weren't invited to. You see, while the pappies were taking pictures of Miley getting juice with her mama je'e Trish, they were asked by some broad how they knew the hillbilly prostitot was there. They answered, "They called us." Yeah, slap me with a dildo made of DUHS, because I'm shocked.

But if Miley went out to get juice and the paparazzi didn't get pictures of it, did it really happen? Hmmm.

And Miley's mother totally reminds me one of those bitches you try to avoid at parties, because you know that once you get stuck with her, she'll will never let you go. Of course, after you've had too many white wine spritzers, you find yourself right next to her. Then you quickly realize why you tried to steer clear from her ass, because all she talks about is star signs, her extensive collection of Beanie Babies and her hundred different recipes using Cool Whip.

Radiohead were the damn princes of the Grammys and everyone wanted to lick up their ass juices. Unfortunately, they didn't feel the same way. Both Miley Cyrus and Kanye West whined about how the big bad meanies of Radiohead gave them a GET THE FUCK OUT enema after they both requested to meet the band.

Miley went on a radio station to whimper about the whole thing. It's so haaaard being a Disney whore! She said, "I'm like, these are the people I really want to meet. I'd freak out. They're my rock gods. These are the only people that I would cry over…My manager asked and said, 'Miley's really obsessed. And they were like, 'We don't really do that.' "I left 'cause I was so upset. I wasn't going to watch. Stinkin' Radiohead! I'm gonna ruin them, I'm going to tell everyone."

Well, Radiohead has ruined her with just a handful of words. When asked about Miley's tantrum, Thom Yorke told UsWeekly, "When Miley grows up, she'll learn not to have such a sense of entitlement." Cue Miley's response, "Entitle whut? Oh, tell that stinker mah car is bought an' paid fo'"

Thom doesn't know Miley the same way we all do. He's giving her way too much credit. That hillbilly trucker-voiced prostitot is never going to grow up.

And I think Thom Yorke is flirting with us now by saying amazing shit like that. Bust that wonk and keep the fightin' words coming.

Since Billy Ray is too busy spending Miley's money on Skoal and pickled pigs feet, he doesn't have any time to make sure his prostitot's titties aren't flopping out like a lot lizard on the run from the po po.

Here's Hannah Slutana spending some quality time with her assigned big brother from The Boys and Girls Club of America. Oh, what's that you say? That's her grown ass playmate Justin Gaston? Looks like they're sharing a tender moment sponsored by PedoBar.

I wonder if he has to report to the authorities every time he changes his address or is banned from living 1000 yards from a school. Yes, I'd hit that shit until his peen put up a white flag and called mercy, but Justin still ain't right. All together now: IT'S STILL A FELONY! And these pictures would look so much hotter if Miley was nowhere to be seen and Justin was in a banana thong.

When this picture of the two possum pussies known as Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus came out in Vanity Fair, whores (including me) gave the side-eye, because they looked a little toooo close. It's sprinkled with just a bit of "Incest is a game a whole family play" flavor.

In her new memoir Miles to Go (BARF), 16-year-old Miley addressed the H8RS who think her relationship with her daddy is filed under: Creepy McCreepster. Oh and yeah, Miley has a fucking memoir out. No, it's not in TXT form. No, it's not just an article in Highlights. It's an actual book being released in stores. Mr. Barnes and Mr. Nobles are weeping in their graves.

Miley writes (I need proof she can actually do that), "The media has said some stuff about my dad and me being too close and too cuddly for a father and a daughter. For me and my dad it's not weird at all. we don't let other people tell us what expressions we're supposed to have on our faces when we take a picture together!"

The dumb bitch when on to whine that people who make fun of her are "so full of anger, hatred and bitterness."

How did Miley get a hold of my medical records?! Anger, hatred and bitterness are the three things my doctor told me I was full of after getting my blood test results. I already know that! But I'd rather be full of those things than caca, chitterlings and Bill Ray's........... Okay, okay, I'll stop right fucking there.

And here's some pap pictures of Miley and her little sister at their house. No, I don't think her sister is in an open-eyed coma. She's just motherfucking miserable! Can you blame her?

I'm surprised it took this long, but some dumb (and really hot) bitch filed a bunk ass class action lawsuit against Miley Cyrus for making fun of Asians in the picture you've seen a trillion times. I've seen this shit so many times that the half-empty shelves in the mirror's reflection is really starting to bother me. That's bad Feng Shui. If you're going to pretend to be Asian, go all the way.

TMZ reports that Lucie J. Kim is asking for $4 billion! Oh, Lucie J Kim. The crazy bugs have burrowed inside your brains and ate them away, but I love you 4 billion ways.

Lucie claims she represents over 1 million Asians in L.A. County who want to get paid $4,000 each for Miley's fuckery. Lucie says that each Asian should get the minimum for a civil rights violation. In her lawsuit, she says when Miley made that face she "knew or should have known that her image would be publicly disseminated via the media, which Cyrus knew focused on her private life, specifically TMZ."

Nuke up the lube! Finally, I have found the money to buy a custom-made Mah Boo Anderson Cooper real doll! Technically, I don't live in L.A. and I'm half Asian, but who cares about stupid details! The only thing that matters is that I was highly offended and hurt by Miley's mocking of Asians. $4,000 will ease the hurt. Every time I look at her, I get a bad case of the runs and have to take a boiling hot shower to erase the pain she has caused me. Okay, she had that effect on me before I saw this picture, but again, petty details don't mean anything when we're talking about me possibly "canoodling" with the Mah Boo real doll of my dreams!

Oh, look. Here's Miley Cyrus at the Grammys making fun of Asians again. The chitterling-brained bitch just can't help herself!

But seriously, Disney's #1 prostitot has finally said she was sowwy for making Asian face in a picture that made its way around the intrawebs and back. The new apology Miley posted on her official fansite yesterday is a sequel, because the first one was a big fucking failure.

Here's what Miley wrote. Surprisingly, the spelling and grammar errors didn't come from me! Note this day in history:

"I want to thank all of my fans for their support not only this week, but always! I really wanted to stress how sorry I am if the photo of me with my friends offended anyone.

I have learned a valuable lesson from this and know that sometime my actions can be unintentionally hurtful. I know everything is a part of GODs ultimate plan, and mistakes happen so that eventually I will become the woman he aspires me to be.

Peace and love, Miles"

And now we are awaiting God's apology for making Miley mock Asians.

Somebody should also let Miley know that God's ultimate plan is for her to take her family and move into a cave far, far away. When a pack of rabid wolfies arrive, Miley should know that God sent them to hear her chipmunk warble, so she should serenade them immediately. Preferably she should sing to them while covered in cow's blood.

The world's #1 hillbilly prostitot, Miley Cyrus, has finally responded to that picture of her making "ching chong" face while the lone Asian makes "I'm Miley Cyrus high on moonshine" face. Miley thinks we all have chitterlings for brains, because she says she was just making a "goofy" face. You heard it directly from the trailer trash pony's mouth. Asians have goofy faces!

Miley wrote on her blog:

"I've also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, I'm sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!

In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy? It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. If that would of been anyone else, it would of been overlooked! I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new 'BAD GIRL'!

I feel like now that Britney is back on top of her game again, they need someone to pick on! Lucky me! haha Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know what is on my heart. You guys know me and have been by my side every step of the way! You guys know my heart and know the most important things to me are my friends, family, fans, and GOD! In NO WAY do I want to disappoint any of you! But, when I have made mistakes in the past, I feel like I've owned up to them and apologized."

Miley, we're not one of your broken condom cousins. When everyone in the room is making "Me Chinese, Me Play Joke" eyes in front an Asian, we know it's not just a "goofy face."

All Miley had to say what "I'm just being Miley," which to all of us means "I'm just a dumb bitch!" We would have understood. Dumb bitches just can't help it.

You might have already rolled your eyeballs at this picture of Miley Cyrus with her fellow dick bags making "Ching Chong Ching" face. But wait! There's an Asian person in the room! Which means it's okay, right? Right? Not according to the Asian American group The OCA. They want Disney's biggest hooker to say she's sorry. You know that dumb hillbilly prostitot is going to be a smart ass and say "I so sorreeee" while bowing. Papa Billy taught her that.

AnyMileyisadumbbitch, The OCA issued this statement to TMZ: "The photograph of Miley Cyrus and other individuals slanting their eyes currently circulating the Internet is offensive to the Asian Pacific American community and sets a terrible example for her many young fans. This image falls within a long and unfortunate history of people mocking and denigrating individuals of Asian descent. Not only has Miley Cyrus and the other individuals in the photograph encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent, she has also insulted her many Asian Pacific American fans. The inclusion of an Asian Pacific American individual in the photo does not make it acceptable."

As a half-Asian ho, I am not offended by this. Why waste the energy on this chitterling-brained asshole? I'm more offended by Miley Cyrus herself. The whole fucking bitch from head to toe. Human Rights Groups should be putting out statements about that shit. Besides, she was probably just high on moonshine or heroin when she did this.

And I think Miley's fake boyfriend isn't making Asian face. He's making "I'm getting butt fucked, but I like it" face. I own a mirror, so I'm one with that face. Now that offends me as a butt fucker.

I mean, look at this picture below. Miley's mantoy is doing it again! Look, look! He's striking the power bottom pose: ass out, pout in place. He's mocking us bitches who like it in their no-no! Oh, wait. Bitch is doing it a little too well. I think he's one of us. Nevermind. Carry on!

We all wore some busted shit when we were Miley Cyrus' age, but you know this whole entire outfit is worth more than what I would sell for on the whore market. Actually, that's not saying much since I think I've already been appraised for a couple of hundred pesos, a lame goat and an elderly monkey with a farting problem. Anyway, this outfit right here put the ug in fug.

I feel like we should all quit our jobs, move to Hollywood and open up a store where we sell torn up shit for like $200 each. Miley totally bought these crackwhore tights already torn up. Think about it. We can go and buy a bunch of L'Eggs, spend 3-minutes tearing that shit up and then sell them for a couple of hundred dollars. We can even say they came from an authentic crackwhore. Those dumb celebskanks will buy it up because they love spending millions of dollars to look like homeless hookers.

Miley doesn't even know who Iron Maiden is. The bitch probably thinks it's something you buy at Wal-Mart to make grilled cheeses. And even Brit Brit wouldn't be caught flashing her shaved possum pie in those boots.

P.S. - Paging Chris Hansen! Paging Chris Hansen! Your assistant is needed in thumbnail #1.