Nicole Kidman

The poster for the upcoming Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron flick, The Paperboy, has been released. Jadis and the REAL Pretty Girl are riding off to the Mac counter in their vintage automobile.

The old-school look of the poster is doing it for me, but you can take Stoned Guy and John Cusack's Ted Bundy eyes out of it. Nic Kidman and Efron have GOT this, hunty! Yeah, she's supposed to be trying to morph her suspended animation face into "hot n' fun cougar" and he's trying to be a scaliwag young man aching to stick his dick in her. However, it actually reads as "boozy stage mom taunting her gay son over his asshole bleaching pain." I'd rather see THAT movie.

Nicole Kidman usually looks like an ice statue that's been wrapped in toilet porcelain, shellacked with a thick layer of Botox and dressed in clothes from a French toddler circa 1969, but it was a different story yesterday when she showed up to the New Orleans set of her new movie The Paperboy looking like this. The costume designer and hair hos working on that movie should just collect their awards now for transforming a human ice cube that fell out of a side freezer's vagina many years ago into a glamorous graveyard shift diner waitress who smells like White Rain hairspray, menthol butts, cotton candy Lip Smackers and a drunk trucker's moustache sweat. That is a bitch who always keeps several fake state IDs in her purse and knows which rest stop sinks have hot water for a more pleasurable whore bath experience.

It's like if Crystal Barbie (Sidenote: Mom, why didn't you ever get me a Crystal Barbie?!!) fell on hard times.

When Nicole is done with this movie, she hold on to those scuffed white Payless pumps and maintain that Courtney Stodden hair, because this is the look she was meant to have.

Here's more pictures from yesterday including a couple of a strung out, constipated John Cusack who I'm guessing is playing a walking version of Pee-wee Herman's mug shot.

Here's Nicole Kidman with her frosty locked husband at the CMT Awards last night just minutes after a striped velour couch barfed all over her sheer black slip while one of the My Little Ponies lived out its rope bondage fetish fantasy by tying up her feet. It's as if someone was making a Charlie Brown-inspired dress using old velour tracksuits when the power in the sweat shop factory got turned off and they had to stop halfway through.

But if we're going to play the Say Something Nice game, then I will say that I like the way her Sally's Beauty Supply clip-on bangs act like a safety curtain to protect us from the wall of Botox above her eyebrows. Her gelatin slug lips however....

All the goo goo ga ga-ing gossip amongst Beliebers around the diaper genie this morning was about Bieber Degeneres kissing on Selena de Rossi right after he beat out Kanye West for the most talented singing infant award at last night's BMAs. This is not the first time that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez touched mouths in front of a camera! And this time they did it in front of his mother while Selena wore a low-budget version of Demi Moore's ho dress from Indecent Proposal! Maybe I grew up in a prude bubble, but when I was 17 I barely touched my boyfriend's hand in front of my mom. This is not how your mother is supposed to find out that your raging hormones have officially taken over.

She's supposed to find out when she walks by his bedroom door and hears the frightening sounds of slurping and the murmurs of such sweet nothings like, "No, I think it goes in that one." Then she's supposed to run to her bathroom and collapse in tears on her shaggy bath mat over realizing that the innocent baby who came out of her vagina is now cumming in his girlfriend's vaginaaaaaaah! After the rage burns off her tears, she grabs a bottle of Windex, picks the lock on her son's bedroom door with a wire hanger and sprays both of them while covering her eyes and screaming about how she doesn't want to be a young grandma! As his little girlfriend runs out of the house half-nekkid, mom lets him know that they aren't allowed to see each other again or she'll delete his Black Ops game and he'll have to start all over again.

That's how it's supposed to go. How dare Justin Bieber rob his mother of such an important moment!

Besides Justin's mom, here's who witnessed young gross love in action last night: Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Fergie, Ke$ha, Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, DOWNTOWN JULIE BROWN!, Joe Jonas, Pedolena Gomez and Bieber with a golden dildo.

Here's Melissa Leo at yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica dressed like a track home madam who is about to flee through the sliding back door of her DIY brothel in Palmdale after authorities received an anonymous tip that she's housing imported whores in her garage. Tell me that isn't a look that screams "You've got a $20, I've got a hand job ho for you!"

You know, I'm so sick of dumb asses declaring that Natalie Portman "is the girl to watch" at the Oscars tonight. Yeah, I've been watching the fashion moves of that Ivy League al dente noodle for months and it's about as exciting as taking the SATs with a No.2 pencil on a Saturday morning while completely sober. Bitch is fashion Ambien. But Melissa Leo on the other hand, that ho knows that the best accessory is always a giant coat of CRAZY. Melissa's look tells a damn story. Yes, that story airs on truTV several nights a week, but a story it still is! Natalie's basic ass looks like it was attacked by an exploding lemon danish. Next.

Click here to see the ISA winners if that's what you need and below is a bunch of pictures of everybody who gave pose on the grey carpet yesterday. In order: the best dressed of the night Melissa Leo, Prince Von A-Hole, Chuckie Finster with Warren Beatty, Rosario Dawson, Taye Diggs, Illeana Douglas, James Franco, Thierry Guetta, Saint Crazy's daughter, Baron Baby Wipes, Vera Farmiga, Dana Delany, Nicole Kidman, Diego Luna with Camila Sodi, Ewan McGregor about to take a pee pee, Eva Mendes, Natalie Portman, Aron Ralston, a drunk Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo with a hand full of Sunrise, Zoe Saldana, Lea Thompson, Kerry Washington and Naomi Watts with Liev Schreiber.

Dressed like a weak-handed day-shift dominatrix forced to supplement her income by selling Mary Kay to the old ladies at the retirement community she illegally lives in, Nicole Kidman showed up to the NYC premiere of her movie Just Go With It with her frosty headed husband Keith Urban. (Thank the hell for Keith, because somebody has to keep Sun-In in business!).

Nicole Kidman wore more leather than a Scientology dungeon party hosted by John Travolta. You can send in your complaints to 2-year-old Sunday Rose, because she picks out all of Nicole's outfits. Nicole said this mess to UsWeekly at the Oscar nominee luncheon on Monday.

"She chooses what she calls 'pretty dresses,' so she has a very strong voice in terms of what I will be wearing on the night of the Oscars. Fingers crossed, guys -- I could be wearing a tutu!"

Did Nicole miss a few pieces when she pulled out the microchip Tommy Girl implanted into the back of her neck on their wedding day? Because that sounds like a quote TG would type into the iPhone app that controls Stepford Katie's speech. Nicole better keep a jammer between her ass cheeks at all times so this doesn't happen again.

Even though Nicole was probably telling jokes, I hope she isn't. Because then it won't be long before Sunday Rose and Suri Cruise are announced as the new co-hosts of What Not To Wear.

The Dorchester in London put Nicki Minaj and her entourage out on the curb and it wasn't because she walked through the lobby wearing a wig that looks like one of Paris Hilton's bed sheets under an ultraviolet light. It also wasn't because Nicki's presence inspired a fan (let's call her Arethanna) to bring her chichis out for an autograph. The Daily Mail says that The Dorchester evicted Nicki, because her crazed fans graffitied an elevator and disturbed the peace. Nicki laughed about that shit on her Twatter:

long day of press only to find out we've officially been kicked out the hotel! Lmaoooooooo. Rescue me barbz!!!! Pleeeeeeeasse *martha voice*
2:16 PM Jan 21st via ÜberTwitter

S/O all the kids outside the hotel just now. It got a bit CRAZY but I rlly appreciate ur support. Hopefully the next hotel will be nicer :)
2:25 PM Jan 21st via ÜberTwitter

And they said yesterday while I was out doing press, a fight broke out and an ambulance was called for 1 of my barbz.
2:29 PM Jan 21st via ÜberTwitter

Nicki's London "barbz" must be having a strange allergic reaction to the toxic fumes wafting off the poisonous spider legs glued to her eyelids, because they also caused a MAN DOWN CODE 10 scene at a London club last night. Nicki's appearance at the club Runway was canceled after a full-on brawl broke out inside.

I'm not sure if getting kicked the hell out of a hotel because of something your crazy fans did is a new kind of hardcoreness or completely embarrassing. I'm going to go with the latter. That shit ain't rock n' roll. Letting your fans do the fuckery work for you?! I mean, Nicki should've at least broke a light bulb or clogged a sink with her 10lbs of make-up, so she could say that The Dorchester just couldn't handle her. Amy Wino is so disappointed.

Let's just rename this site Dilatedlisted, because BABIES!!! are crawling on almost every single post. And this time, we weren't even expecting this baby. Even hos who aren't pregnant are having babies! TMZ reports that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have a newborn baby girl named Faith in their lives. No, Nicole never had a little faith in her (GONG!!!). Baby Faith was born on December 28th via a surrogate. Keith and Nicole are her biological parents. They had this to say to TMZ:

"Our family is truly blessed, and just so thankful, to have been given the gift of baby Faith Margaret. No words can adequately convey the incredible gratitude that we feel for everyone who was so supportive throughout this process, in particular our gestational carrier."

Nicole isn't even trying to hear the pillow baby rumors this time around, so she went straight to a surrogate. It's a good thing for the economy, because Botox would've closed their doors if their #1 customer had to stay off the needle for 9 months. But congrats to Nicole and Frosty Locks! And I hope that in 15 years, Sunday and Faith form a pop gospel duo. With names like that, it's really their only choice in a career.

Natalie Portman's baby brewing area is going to grow into thousands of pixels before our very eyes in the next few weeks as she accepts Best ActressWhatever at every awards show for her performance in Mother May I Sleep With Mila Kunis? and last night she collected one of her first at the Critics' Choice Movie Awards. (Click here for all the winners)

Actually, let me snatch that back. Natalie is probably not going to win at The Christina Hendricks Awards tomorrow since they will find some way to sneak St. Angie into the Best Actress - Drama category at the last second. They will say that St. Angie's performance in The Tourist is covered with so many layers that she's worthy of comedy, drama and animation awards. They are up on her halo like that. So, Natalie, stay home in your Zac Posen pajama jeans tomorrow, because that shit is not yours to take.

But last night, Natalie wore that shit to accept her trophy. It sorts of looks like a motel bed sheet held up with electrical tape and that sounds like a hot look on paper, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too busy slobbering over that trophy to make a concrete decision. Every single trophy resembles a dildo to me and that one looks like it was manufactured by Krypton's most well-respected dick toy makers. Get me one!

Here's a few more pictures from last night's show. In oooorder: Natalie Hershlag, Yanni Christian Bale, Emma Stone, Jon Hamm, Dr. Kevorkian (????), Julianne Moore, Tilda Swinton, Melissa Leo, Michelle Williams, Ryan Gosling, Senorita Jokerface, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban, Jeremy Renner, Lisa Rinna Helena Bonham Carter and Annette Bening with Warren Beatty.

When Nicole Kidman stared at her bathroom mirror and said to herself, "My name is Nicole Kidman and I AM a Botox user," even her surfboard forehead twitched at the STUNNING admission! It had no clue! After years of denying that she's dabbled the filler needle on her forehead, Nicole gives us a confession worthy of a "Yup, I've Used Botox" cover of People Magazine. Nicole tells some unnamed Germany magazine (via Daily Mail) that she's messed with Botox before, but she's happy to announce that her face is now preservative free and would fit right into any organic section at any grocery store. Go ahead and raise your brow even though Nicole physically can't.

The interviewer from the unnamed German magazine (aka ProbablyMadeUp Weekly: German Edition) asked Nicole how she keeps her face as smooth as a mannequin's crotch. Nicole responded with: "I’ve tried a lot of things but apart from working out and a good diet most things don’t help. I even tried Botox but I didn’t like how my face looked afterwards. Now I don’t use it anymore - and I can move my forehead again. I am completely natural. I have nothing in my face or anything."

And seconds after Nicole said that last part, the skin worms on her mouth sprung a leak and Juvederm sprayed everywhere. Nicole's assistant had to run up and plug the leak with epoxy putty. But yeah, completely natural!