The National Enquirer, the highly-esteemed literary journal of choice for anybody who only wants the raw truth, reported in their latest issue that Rachael Ray's entertainment lawyer/musician husband of 7 years John Cusimano regularly visits a high class, exclusive, members only swingers club called Checkmate in Manhattan (Note: Checkmate's website sparkles, which means it's totally high class). Mr. Rachael Ray reportedly became a member before he married Rachael and he's been seen there several times with a bunch of ladies. Yes, with LADIES. Now I need to take my gaydar in for a tune-up and oil and filter change, because I really thought that Mr. Rachael Ray liked nothing more than to drizzle a little EVOO on a hard peen. He looks like a butch Mario Cantone. I've been wrong this whole time.
A source tells the Enquirer (via DM) that John has been seen at Checkmate at least six times and he always had at least one lady escort with him. Rachael has never been seen at the club. Some source says that the club is extremely picky about who they give membership to and only classy people are allowed in ("So why in the hell did they make Mr. Rachael Ray a member?" - all of us together) . John was once turned away from the front door for wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Didn't John see the sign that clearly read: No Pants, No Tie, No Vagina. The source went on to say that when John was dressed classy enough, they'd let him in and he'd dabble in the buffet before getting wet in the co-ed showers with a lady who wasn't his wife.
“After a bit of socializing at the buffet and the bar, John would always make his way to the back room. And every time he was observed in the coed locker room, he never took a shower alone. He’d always stop by the club’s buffet before closing to grab a few bagels for the road.
But Rachael's rep told the NYDN that the Enquirer is once again serving up a plate of cold lies and they might shove a lawsuit straight up their asses:
"This is yet another pack of lies printed by the National Enquirer who have been targeting John and Rachael for years without any merit whatsoever. John's lawyers have been in contact with the Enquirer and are exploring legal action against the publication for defamation."
If it's true, it's really not that big of a deal. I get it. Sometimes you just want to trade in the sound of your wife's sandpaper voice for the sound of a 60-year-old man moaning at you to go faster as you do his wife from behind. Understandable. But the real story here is that this swingers club has a buffet and that buffet has bagels on it! But I bet that bagel covered in sticky pubes is still more delicious than any of Rachael's 30-minute meals (says the bitch who has made, ate and liked one of those 30-minute meals. I'm not proud of that.)
This is real recipe for MICROWAVED BACON on Food Network's website from the advanced culinary mind of Rachael Ray also goes well with her recipe for hot water (Directions: Put porcelain mug under the red spout on your water cooler. Flip up. Fill mug to top. Flip down.) and pre-cut honey dew (Directions: Open package).
For being so simple, this recipe is a huge damn mess! But you know what's not a mess? The comments! Comments that were howled by the Three Wolf Moon themselves. I guess nothing brings out hot sarcasm like the scent of burnt bacon stuck to a paper towel. Here's a few, but you should really spend time with all of them:
Then, when I tried to drop the plate, and it wouldn't let go of me, I started madly waving my arms around trying to get it off. In the middle of flailing, the plate flew off, and crashed through the large picture window in my kitchen. Between the time the window broke, and when I started flailing, the bacon also flew off and got stuck on the wall. The dog, being a dog, charged the wall-bacon, and began devouring everything that even remotely smelled of bacon, including largish chunks of drywall. Oh, crap, I hope it wasn't that Chinese drywall that has the chemicals that cause cancer...
By cascalonginess on November 11, 2010
Tried this recipe last night. The bacon was great, but the paper towels tasted awful.
By LocalBoyMakesGoo on November 11, 2010
That's not what "late night bacon" means in my house.
By Crazy Uncle Dan on November 09, 2010
Does anyone have a good recipe for Banana? I typically take one from the bunch, peel it, discard the peed and eat it. But I feel like I am missing something. Any recipe for Orange would be helpful too.
By runge2002_730663 on November 09, 2010
I don't stay up very late. Can you post a recipe for early morning bacon? Also I'm new to the whole microwave thing. Do you have a recipe for microwave popcorn? The bag says to stop when the interval between pops is 2-3 seconds, but the pops always happen too fast for me to start counting.
By sammy_hagar_pork_n_b on November 10, 2010
via Food Network Humor (Thanks Kel)
Rachael Ray is more of a Bob Hoskins than a Jessica Rabbit, but somebody lied in her ear because here she is wearing a fire sale wig made from Big Brother Rachel's weave scraps for the Halloween episode of her show. That grown man in Roger Rabbit ears who looks like he's about to lead us into the back of the garage to a play a not right game of "Hide the Carrot" is Rachael's husband.
Rachael most likely chose to pour herself into sequins because SOOOO many people have told her that she sounds just like Kathleen Turner. You know she thinks that. Kathleen Turner has a raspy voice that could exfoliate a peen and moisturize it afterwards, while Rachael has a Miley Cyrus-approved growl that could castrate a peen and pour saw dust on it afterwards. Big difference.
Isaboo, Rachael Ray's pet pit bull, might be sent to the gas chamber after she sort-of, kind-of pulled a Mike Tyson on another dog. The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that earlier this month in NYC, Isaboo ripped off another dog's ear during a walk. The dog was rushed to the animal hospital and the vet was able to save some of its ear, but unfortunately it's still walking around with a fucked up ear.
A source says that Rachael's husband called the other dog's owner and offered to pay for all the medical bills. The owner apparently agreed, but that still doesn't change the fact that the poor pooch is going to get laughed at by all the other dogs for having an ear that looks like one of Paris Hilton's labia lips! DAMN THAT Isaboo!
Rachael is thinking about muzzling Isaboo or getting her more training, because she's afraid she might go after a person next. The source added, “Rachael calls Isaboo her baby,' but after the latest dog fight, she’s living in fear that her pet will have to be put down.”
If I had to listen to Rachael's "Miley Cyrus gargling nails" voice every single day, I'd probably go crazy in the brains and bite an ear off too. Rachael and Isaboo both need some Cesar Milan in their lives. Rachael needs to put that terrifying trucker voice to good use and become pack leader. I mean, homegirl is already built like a bull dog, so she can easily take charge!
Martha Stewart is caviar and champagne while Rachael Ray is a plastic cup of lukewarm Faygo and a plate of saltines with a melted Kraft Single on top. That's basically what Martha Stewart said about Rachael in a new interview with Nightline. Martha being a cunt is always a good thing.
In the interview, Martha said, "Well, to me, she professed that she could -- cannot bake. She -- just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She -- and that's not good enough for me." Martha went on to politely piss all over Rachael by saying that writing a cookbook is "a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone's library. Rachael is different. She is more of an entertainer ... with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be."
Translation: "Rachael Ray is a piece of trash used by a hobo to wipe his ass after a disastrous bowel movement."
When asked what she thought about Martha's remarks, Rachael said, "Why would it make me mad? Her skill set is far beyond mine. That's simply the reality of it."
Rachael may have a voice like a trucker who eats children, but even she knows not to fuck with Martha. Martha has been in prison! Bitch is gangster. Not only can she whip up a five-course meal on a radiator, but bitch can also make a shank out of a tampon applicator.
An artiste named Alex Gardega wishes to do harm to the world by painting a 6-foot nude portrait of Rachael Ray using paprika and oils. Alex described her as "charming and sexy." Please tell me he's painting it with his mouth, because he's in a straitjacket. Anybody who thinks this ho is charming and sexy needs to spend a few moons in a padded cell.
A nude of Rachael Ray is only allowed if you use the ashes of charred up souls only found on the grounds in the ninth circle of hell.
And where the fuck will you hang a nude of Rachael Ray anyway? I guess, in your bathroom. If you've ever got the no-poops, you can look at her paprika snatch and your butt will instantly begin barfing.
Source: Page Six
Cue the laugh track for the obvious joke you're thinking in that trash bag head of yours. I thought the same thing except my obvious joke had cameos by Jennifer Aniston and flyballs.
Rachael Ray's head is on the cover of Modern Dog's Winter issue. It looks like you could lightly blow her way and her annoying head would roll right off for Isaboo to play with. Yes, her dog's name is fucking Isaboo. I bet Isaboo hates her for that and that's why they had to Photoshop Rachael's head on someone else's body (and neck). Isaboo refused to share the cover with a truck stop, raggedy mouthed yap-beast like Rachael.
In the issue, Rachael also gives her special recipe for dog food which includes macaroni, extra virgin olive oil (I won't say it), onions, heavy cream, cheese, squash and other crap. Click here for the recipe. My dog would love this nastiness, but I wouldn't love it when I have to scrape his watery butt juice off the sidewalk.
File this under: the suckiest news of the day. Our holiday wish that Rachael Ray will finally be silenced is not going to come true after all. Rachael was supposed to have throat surgery this week, but that has been canceled after Satan determined that her voice is needed to continue to punish the innocent people of this world.
Rachael's pr bitch told People, "During the course of normal pre-op care, Rachael started an intensive new vocal therapy and it is now the opinion of her doctor that surgery may not be necessary. Rachael is very grateful that it won't be a silent Christmas and thanks everyone for their prayers and well wishes."
Fess up! Who prayed and sent well wishes? Whoever did, is a child of Lucifer.
Methinks Rachael needs a second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth opinion. She sounds like a cigarette-smoking trucker who just deep throated a penis made out of sandpaper. There is obviously something wrong in there. I will gladly spend 20-minutes to get my medical license online, so that I can give Rachael my professional and honest opinion: her cords need to be snipped ASAP.
The National Enquirer ran a story this week claiming Rachael Ray's doctors found a growth on her throat that requires surgery and will leave her silent for two months. Oh. I just learned I have telekinetic powers, because I know exactly what you're thinking and I couldn't fucking agree with you more.
Well, Rachael says the Enquirer is lie-telling and her chicken pot pie hole won't be shut for two months.
However, Rachael is having a minor surgery to remove a benign cyst on her vocal cord. A friend says she's not sick and is totally fine. Her spokeswhore tells People, "It's a common in-and-out procedure that she will have in early December and it will not adversely effect any of her daytime show or Food Network tapings."
Well, it's lovely to know that we'll still be subjected to Rachael's beautiful sandpaper trucker voice for years to come! I can just listen to her talk all day long. I can't get enough. Rachael can blab while I put rusty nails in my eyes. When I put hot knives in my ears, she can keep talking. She can even keep yapping while I stick acid covered needles in my pee hole. I can listen to her forever and ever and ever..... until Hell finally takes pity on me and swallows me whole.
How fitting is that? A dog making dog food! RACHEL Ray has put out a line of premium dog food for her relatives. Yes, I know it's RACHAEL, but you know she hates it when people eff up her name.
Rachael's new line of dog food will be called Rachael Ray Nutris. It will feature two flavors, gross and grosser. Proceeds from the sale of her dog food will be donated to her favorite charity: The Rachael Ray Checking Account Fund. No, that shit will be donated to Rachael's Rescue.
She said, "I love my dog Isaboo, and as a member of my family, I need to make sure that she eats as well as the rest of us. With the launch of Nutrish, I now have the opportunity to share with other pet lovers some of her favorite meals, flavors and special treats." ISABOO?! That poor dog is seriously waiting for the fucking day when RACHEYPOO isn't paying attention. Don't worry, Isaboo (HA!), that day is coming.
I just asked my dog if he will ever be dining on Rachael's doggy food. He dry barfed and farted at the same time. No joke.