Rachael Ray

Martha Stewart is caviar and champagne while Rachael Ray is a plastic cup of lukewarm Faygo and a plate of saltines with a melted Kraft Single on top. That's basically what Martha Stewart said about Rachael in a new interview with Nightline. Martha being a cunt is always a good thing.

In the interview, Martha said, "Well, to me, she professed that she could -- cannot bake. She -- just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She -- and that's not good enough for me." Martha went on to politely piss all over Rachael by saying that writing a cookbook is "a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone's library. Rachael is different. She is more of an entertainer ... with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be."

Translation: "Rachael Ray is a piece of trash used by a hobo to wipe his ass after a disastrous bowel movement."

When asked what she thought about Martha's remarks, Rachael said, "Why would it make me mad? Her skill set is far beyond mine. That's simply the reality of it."

Rachael may have a voice like a trucker who eats children, but even she knows not to fuck with Martha. Martha has been in prison! Bitch is gangster. Not only can she whip up a five-course meal on a radiator, but bitch can also make a shank out of a tampon applicator.

An artiste named Alex Gardega wishes to do harm to the world by painting a 6-foot nude portrait of Rachael Ray using paprika and oils. Alex described her as "charming and sexy." Please tell me he's painting it with his mouth, because he's in a straitjacket. Anybody who thinks this ho is charming and sexy needs to spend a few moons in a padded cell.

A nude of Rachael Ray is only allowed if you use the ashes of charred up souls only found on the grounds in the ninth circle of hell.

And where the fuck will you hang a nude of Rachael Ray anyway? I guess, in your bathroom. If you've ever got the no-poops, you can look at her paprika snatch and your butt will instantly begin barfing.

Source: Page Six

Cue the laugh track for the obvious joke you're thinking in that trash bag head of yours. I thought the same thing except my obvious joke had cameos by Jennifer Aniston and flyballs.

Rachael Ray's head is on the cover of Modern Dog's Winter issue. It looks like you could lightly blow her way and her annoying head would roll right off for Isaboo to play with. Yes, her dog's name is fucking Isaboo. I bet Isaboo hates her for that and that's why they had to Photoshop Rachael's head on someone else's body (and neck). Isaboo refused to share the cover with a truck stop, raggedy mouthed yap-beast like Rachael.

In the issue, Rachael also gives her special recipe for dog food which includes macaroni, extra virgin olive oil (I won't say it), onions, heavy cream, cheese, squash and other crap. Click here for the recipe. My dog would love this nastiness, but I wouldn't love it when I have to scrape his watery butt juice off the sidewalk.

VIA ONTD

File this under: the suckiest news of the day. Our holiday wish that Rachael Ray will finally be silenced is not going to come true after all. Rachael was supposed to have throat surgery this week, but that has been canceled after Satan determined that her voice is needed to continue to punish the innocent people of this world.

Rachael's pr bitch told People, "During the course of normal pre-op care, Rachael started an intensive new vocal therapy and it is now the opinion of her doctor that surgery may not be necessary. Rachael is very grateful that it won't be a silent Christmas and thanks everyone for their prayers and well wishes."

Fess up! Who prayed and sent well wishes? Whoever did, is a child of Lucifer.

Methinks Rachael needs a second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth opinion. She sounds like a cigarette-smoking trucker who just deep throated a penis made out of sandpaper. There is obviously something wrong in there. I will gladly spend 20-minutes to get my medical license online, so that I can give Rachael my professional and honest opinion: her cords need to be snipped ASAP.

The National Enquirer ran a story this week claiming Rachael Ray's doctors found a growth on her throat that requires surgery and will leave her silent for two months. Oh. I just learned I have telekinetic powers, because I know exactly what you're thinking and I couldn't fucking agree with you more.

Well, Rachael says the Enquirer is lie-telling and her chicken pot pie hole won't be shut for two months.

E-V-O-that-sucks.

However, Rachael is having a minor surgery to remove a benign cyst on her vocal cord. A friend says she's not sick and is totally fine. Her spokeswhore tells People, "It's a common in-and-out procedure that she will have in early December and it will not adversely effect any of her daytime show or Food Network tapings."

Well, it's lovely to know that we'll still be subjected to Rachael's beautiful sandpaper trucker voice for years to come! I can just listen to her talk all day long. I can't get enough. Rachael can blab while I put rusty nails in my eyes. When I put hot knives in my ears, she can keep talking. She can even keep yapping while I stick acid covered needles in my pee hole. I can listen to her forever and ever and ever..... until Hell finally takes pity on me and swallows me whole.

How fitting is that? A dog making dog food! RACHEL Ray has put out a line of premium dog food for her relatives. Yes, I know it's RACHAEL, but you know she hates it when people eff up her name.

Rachael's new line of dog food will be called Rachael Ray Nutris. It will feature two flavors, gross and grosser. Proceeds from the sale of her dog food will be donated to her favorite charity: The Rachael Ray Checking Account Fund. No, that shit will be donated to Rachael's Rescue.

She said, "I love my dog Isaboo, and as a member of my family, I need to make sure that she eats as well as the rest of us. With the launch of Nutrish, I now have the opportunity to share with other pet lovers some of her favorite meals, flavors and special treats." ISABOO?! That poor dog is seriously waiting for the fucking day when RACHEYPOO isn't paying attention. Don't worry, Isaboo (HA!), that day is coming.

I just asked my dog if he will ever be dining on Rachael's doggy food. He dry barfed and farted at the same time. No joke.

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