Or is the plural of dildo "Kardashians"? I'm not sure.
Anyway, a paparazzo was strolling by the window of the Fantasy World sex shop in the West Village the other day when something shiny, plastic and beautiful caught his eye. The paparazzo looked into the window and saw the most pretty and special dildo he's ever seen in his life and it was surrounded by a bunch of homely dildos. And as the paparazzo's body twitched while thinking about all the places he'd like to take that pretty, pretty dildo, the pretty, pretty dildo blinked! It wasn't a dildo. It was just the most beautiful Disney princess of all-time Zac Efron! So the paparazzo pulled out his camera and started taking pictures of Zac standing next to a menagerie of plastic dicks (click here to see the picture, that glowing blue one looks like its begging Zac to kiss it gently). The New York Post says that when Zac realized the pap was taking pictures of him in a garden of toy dicks, he ran after the pap. A witness type said this to the Post:
“Zac was begging the guy to delete the pictures. He kept telling him that he has so many young fans and he didn’t want them to see it.”
The pap refused, so Zac's spokeswhores quickly put out a statement saying that he was at the sex store to film a scene for his new movie. So Zac Efron was shooting a scene with a bunch of dildos as his co-stars (wouldn't be the first time, see: High School Musical) and I'm guessing that scene is going to be in the movie, but yet he's begging a paparazzo to delete a picture of him with a bunch of dildos? That makes sense! But whatever, Zac shouldn't be so dramatic. It's not like his little, innocent fans haven't seen him with a bunch of dildos before (again, see: High School Musical). And we should all be impressed, because Zac was able to chase after that pap while a butt plug he was trying on was firmly stuck up his culo.
The trailer for The Paperboy (aka the movie I'm hoping is 2012's biggest piece of trash) is finally here, and in case you already forgot what The Paperboy is about, let me remind you that's it's that mess of a movie where Nicole Kidman washes off of a layer of bronzer from Zac Efron's chest by pissing on him. That's all you need to know. There's also a plot in there somewhere, but who gives even one shit about that when you've got Nicole's coochie raining on Zac's face and Zac getting rained on again while swishing his hips in his chonies.
A little warning before you press play. Most of the butchered accents will make you wish Nicole Kidman would piss in your ears so you don't have to hear that crap, but let's focus on the positive like Nicole's white trash skank look. I know I've said this before, but this is the hottest the Australian ice cube has ever looked. She looks like a hybrid of my two favorite True Blood characters: Randi Sue the alley skank and Ginger. Nicole's hot look almost made me forget that her face is completely non-biodegradable. Watch the trailer below if you care:
When I first read that in Lee Daniels' newest cinematic mess The Paperboy, Nicole Kidman squats a piss out on Zac Efron's chest after he gets stung by a jellyfish, I said that the Academy needs to engrave "Nicole Kidman's Piss Stream" on a statue right now. Because that golden shower deserves the gold! Well, crazy ass Michelle Rodriguez saw The Paperboy at Cannes and she disagrees with my ass. MRod told Vulture that Nicole isn't going to win an Oscar for taking a #1 on Zac's lip gloss-covered nipples, because she's not black.
"I fucking loved it. One of my friends said, 'She’s going to get nominated for an Oscar for that.' I was like, 'Nah, man. She’s not black!' I laugh, but it’s also very sad. It makes me want to cry. But I really believe. You have to be trashy and black to get nominated. You can’t just be trashy."
The hell? Nicole Kidman won an Oscar and it wasn't for playing a character that wasn't black or trashy. Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer were both nominated this year and their characters weren't trashy. I think MRod is saying that in Lee Daniels' Precious, Mo'Nique played trash and won an Oscar for it. So if you want to be nominated for an Oscar for acting in a Lee Daniels movie, you better hope your character is black and trashy. I don't know! Reading a quote from Michelle Rodriguez is like trying to have a conversation with a heat-stricken surfer on peyote while you're high on meth. I'm not on the right kind of drug to fully understand what that crazy bitch is saying.
And now I have the image of Mo'Nique pissing on Zac Efron. Oh, MRod, the things you do to my brain.
If your internet connection is going in and out this morning, that's because Kim Kardashian is furiously refreshing The Paperboy page on Fandango until the BUY TICKETS button comes up, because that bladder wine-loving heffa wants to buy ALL the tickets! If Lee Daniels' upcoming movie The Butler (co-starring Matthew McConaughey as John Fucking Kennedy) is going to be a major shit show, then his new movie The Paperboy is the piss stream before the dump. The Paperboy made its debut at Cannes this week and so far many of the critics have declared it a campy piece of utter shit. That means I can confidently say that The Paperboy is going to be my favorite cinematic masterpiss of 2012!
The Paperboy is based on the novel by Peter Dexter and follows two brothers, the Texas T-Rex and Zac Efron, as they investigate (Princess Zac as an investigator? HA!) the case of a death row inmate played by John Cusack. This is the part that is already making me hand over my credit card number to buy a ticket. Nicole Kidman plays a trashy, sex crazed tramp who is obsessed with John Cusack's character and wants to marry him. With Nicole's help, Zac and Matthew try to figure out if John Cusack committed the murder he was convicted of. Vulture says that in the scene where Nicole first meets John Cusack face-to-face, she is so horny for him that she rips off her pantyhose before her pussy explodes into a hand-free orgasm. Please tell me that after Nicole's coochie seizure moment, Zac snaps his fingers and says, "Guuuurrrl, I'll have what she's having!"
As for that scene where Nicole R. Kellys Zac, I'll let Vulture give it to you:
Later in the movie, as Efron's romantic ardor for Kidman is at its peak, the two head to the beach, where he decides to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Naturally, he is attacked by CG jellyfish. (Only the sixteenth weirdest thing to happen in this movie.) Covered in sting marks, he barely manages to drag himself to shore, and when Kidman is alerted to the attack by some comely girls who surround Efron, she pushes them away, pops a squat, and out comes number-one. And yes, you get a close-up of the stream. This is a movie that often seems to be missing important transitional scenes or specific inserts, but you had better believe that when Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron, that camera is there.
Thank the Maybelline Gods for waterproof foundation, because if Zac's "maybe she's born with it" face got messed up in the making of that AFI-worthy moment, he would've had a hissy fit over that...pissy fit (sorry).
And I'm calling it right now. The Oscar goes to......Nicole Kidman's piss stream!
Here's Zac Efron still glowing from his golden shower facial at The Paperboy photocall with human marble pillar Nicole Kidman, Macy Gray, Matthew McConaughey and John Cusack.
While promoting The Lucky One in Australia, Zac Efron was asked by radio hosts Mel & Matty (Side whisper: The boy one looks like an SNL cast member playing Zac Efron in a skit) to demonstrate his impressive one-handed bra removal trick. That's cute, but Zac doesn't ever have to strain his precious fingers by taking off a bra. Zac just has to raise his perfectly-manicured-at-an-exclusive-brow-salon-in-Beverly-Hills eyebrow and the clothes magically drop and the body magically contorts into the spreadeagle position.
But on a serious note...
Is this a strike against the gay rumors or does this tell us that Zac can snap off a jockstrap with the flick of a wrist? Whatever the case may be, this just made John Travolta's titties perk up like they're trying to get closer to Xenu.
Even Zac Efron has "Zac Efron's naked ass cheeks" on his Google Alerts, because three seconds after his Hostess bottom cakes went viral, the most beautiful man princess in the land closed the terry cloth curtain and is not about to give us an encore. Now Zac Efron can prance around with his twinkly b-hole out without having to worry about paps with zoom lenses taking his picture for all us disgusting, moral-less piece of trash pervs to see. HOW SELFISH OF HIM! Oh well, at least we'll always have (NSFW) this Photoshopped picture of Zac Efron wearing Not Zac Efron's dick.
What better way is there to enjoy your Easter dinner of a Cadbury Creme Egg Sandwich and a pitcher of Peeps-tinis than with these pictures of the most beautiful princess in the Disney kingdom Zac Efron fapping to a glass of orange juice on the balcony of his hotel in Sydney? (Nothing turns Zac on like a whole lot of Vitamin C.) You know, Zac Efron was always like a sugar-free Twinkie to me and he's never done anything for me, but these pictures might be a game changer. When did Zac Efron drop his bronzer stick and summon the hotness like this?
And for those you screaming at Zac that he's looking like a fool with his pants on the ground and needs to pull that shit over his "made to bottom" ass, he didn't listen to you, but he did something (NSFW-ish) better. Happy resurrection of Jesus, indeed!
At The Lorax premiere (the fucking Lorax premiere) a couple of weeks ago, the most beautiful boy fairy in Hollywood, Zac Efron, went "one, two, three, drop condom, five, six, seven, look shocked, nine, ten, eleven, smile at all the dumbasses thinking I actually fuck." It was about as staged as Lindsay Lohan accidentally dropping an AA chip in front of the paps. Scratch that. That's not possible, because I don't think they sell AA chips at the Chateau Marmont gift shop. But they should! Anyway, back to Zac.
Zac was on Today this morning to talk about that Lorax mess and Matt Lauer asked about him the condom thing. Matt blushed, Zac blushed and I wondered what happened to journalism. I mean, Matt just brought it up, giggled and moved on. I know Matt is probably in on it, but he could've snuck in at least one follow-up question. Why does Zac think anyone would believe he uses big dick condoms when we all know that he is a Ken doll brought to life by Disney and has no pokin' parts down there. Whatever, I'll lay off of Matt. Being the balding slut bag that he is, I'm sure he was too hypnotized by Zac Efron's Maybelline beauty. You know how Matt gets while in the presence of stunningly gorgeous women.
We're friends and I care about what happens to your ears, so I'm going to warn you that the clip above (via ONTD) has been smeared with the musical hemorrhoid pried off of the anus hole of music LMFAO. "I'm Sex And I Know It" is the mangled conjoined twin of Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" who has a chronic slobber problem, was kicked out of the 6th grade for exposing itself during Show & Tell and is most likely on the National Sex Offender Registry. That song is such creepy trash. It's like the men's half-shirt of music. My advice is to exorcise your right to use the mute button. Better yet, just watch the clip above while tickling your ear drums with the only "sexy" song that matters:
So at The Lorax premiere on Sunday afternoon, the sparkliest Twinkie in the box, Zac Efron, sashayed down the orange carpet and accidentally dropped a gold condom wrapper and then clutched his anal beads by mouthing "OH MY GAW" to his publicist. Twink, please. You know Debbie Allen choreographed that whole stunt and they spent 6 weeks rehearsing it. They even took it for an out-of-town tryout. That's how staged that shit was.
Like Zac really has time to fuck. Zac's days are already filled with searching for the perfect cum gel for his luscious locks and admiring his beauty in his Revlon Hollywood Mirror. They also laid it on too thick with the gold condom. Fairy man princesses don't have Magnum-sized peens. Unless, Zac is using that condom as an anal liner, which is entirely possible.
Besides, if Zac is screwing on anybody at The Lorax premiere, it's The Lorax itself and we all know that trick is a bareback slut.
The old-school look of the poster is doing it for me, but you can take Stoned Guy and John Cusack's Ted Bundy eyes out of it. Nic Kidman and Efron have GOT this, hunty! Yeah, she's supposed to be trying to morph her suspended animation face into "hot n' fun cougar" and he's trying to be a scaliwag young man aching to stick his dick in her. However, it actually reads as "boozy stage mom taunting her gay son over his asshole bleaching pain." I'd rather see THAT movie.