Zac Efron

The poster for the upcoming Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron flick, The Paperboy, has been released. Jadis and the REAL Pretty Girl are riding off to the Mac counter in their vintage automobile.

The old-school look of the poster is doing it for me, but you can take Stoned Guy and John Cusack's Ted Bundy eyes out of it. Nic Kidman and Efron have GOT this, hunty! Yeah, she's supposed to be trying to morph her suspended animation face into "hot n' fun cougar" and he's trying to be a scaliwag young man aching to stick his dick in her. However, it actually reads as "boozy stage mom taunting her gay son over his asshole bleaching pain." I'd rather see THAT movie.

Patients in Los Angeles-area hospitals suffering from severe constipation and extreme vomit phobias were transported to the premiere of New Year's Eve Apocalypse Eve at Grauman's Chinese Theatre last night for five reasons: Lea Michele, Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Fuggie Fug and Josh Duhamel (or as their known in the medical community: suppository, douche, enema, diuretic and activated charcoal). Even the quadra power beauty queen beauty of Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Sofia Vergara and Barbara Eden wasn't powerful enough to soothe the heaves coming out of a bitch when they watched Ick (aka Lea) and Nast (aka Ashton) mug it up for the cameras. Ashton, I know it's been a while since you've seen tits that aren't made of Plaster of Paris, but please calm yourself. I swear, this premiere had more empty stomachs and clean pussies than a virgin bulimia convention. Sucio all around.

Katherine needs to give 2001 Hillary Clinton her hair back, Ashton needs to give Mary Katherine Gallagher her hair back and both Fuggie and Lea just need to stop everything. There aren't enough chairs for all the bitches here who really need to have a seat in the back.

I was going to make a post asking who was the least annoying slag at last night's New Year's Eve premiere, but that's like choosing between a beej from a garbage disposal or a prostate exam from a pitchfork. Which funnily enough, is probably the sensation a ho feels when sitting through that shit bag of a movie.

It's amazing what smearing Rogaine on your chest and dumping your make-up drawer into the trash can do! Yes, Zac Efron is still so pretty that I just want to miniaturize him and keep him in a jewelry box so I can watch him twirl whenever I want, but look at him trying to butch up his princess look!

Over the weekend, Zac Efron flashed his scattered chest pubes and made everyone forget for a second that his b-lips taste like strawberry kiwi lip gloss and that he pisses Victoria's Secret Pink body mist. I mean, I don't even think that's a concealer stick in his pocket! Okay, it's totally a concealer stick in his pocket. You don't expect Zac to change his easy, breezy, beautiful ways overnight!

Zac Efron is softer than the newly grown follicles on a baby satin angora rabbit and prettier than a ballerina princess twirling under a glitter shower, which is why I've never really been into his ass like that. Too delicate. You just want to gently place him in a bud vase and sniff at him every now and again while you're brushing your teeth. But I'm paying attention now that he's glued some of Vanessa Hudgens' keepsake pubes onto his face and spritzed his pits with bottled body odor (Zac does not grow pubes and he definitely does not sweat). If you bang your head against the desk a few times, squint and hum the theme song to Magnum. P.I., Zac sort of looks like a Bel Ami bottom porn star channeling Tom Selleck.

Are we sure those aren't armpit wigs? Sigh. Our princess is growing up so fast. The Zac Efron of yesterday was a delicate Twink who could balance a bubble on the tip of his eyelashes, and the Zac Efron of today is almost as built as one of Kellan Lutz's nipples. It's as if Cinderella got in Hercules' drawer of growth hormone supplements and testosterone boosters. Dude must be putting extra weights on the bottom of his bronzer sticks.

Australia's NW Magazine published a few pictures of Zac casually working the pole with his nipples out and flashing a new arm tattoo. When I squint my eyes to see what his tattoo is, I get off track and focus on his copper penny nipples instead. But since Zac is the epitome of butch, I'm guessing the tattoo is two swan feathers twirling in a unicorn's air kiss. That must be it.

And you thought only 40-something single moms in Nicholas Sparks novels wore denim clam diggers and beige shawl collar sweaters, but WRONG! Zac Efron brought some J. Crew glamour to West Hollywood yesterday when he stomped through with a friend. Doesn't Zac look like he should be holding hands with Richard Gere and skipping through the grassy beach dunes like the free spirit that he is? You just want to gently lay him on the sand and softly caress his brow with your hand before telling him that he's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen and you never want this summer to end. Don't get on that ferry, Zac! Stay with us forever.

Zac's stache might say "butch bitch" but those Beach Blanket Bingo shorts say "tip me over and pour me out." Bring it, Zac. I swear, Zac is making the clams shut their shells tight with every step that he takes.

That is the National Enquirer's headline, but they underlined, bolded and leaned the "with a guy" part for maximum dramatic effect. You know, it feels like Miss Benita is whispering this into your ear while waiting in the line for the bathroom at church. Cooch clutch your kegel beads, etc...

An eyewitness tells the Enquirer (via Boy Culture & Towleroad) that Zac chose an NBA party at the W Hotel to openly show his love for the peen by following around a hot buff piece. The hot buff piece must cum Creme de la Mer and have ass lips that taste like blueberry lip gloss, because the witness says that Zac kept at him all night. Zac's on-and-off-again girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens was there and she really didn't give a Mickey Mouse shit that he was on a new crotch.

And at one point, Zac and the object of his erection held hands! The surprised witness will explain it for you: "I was shocked at how relaxed and open Zac was with this guy. He walked around talking to him, smiling and holding his hand right in front of everyone, including Vanessa. People were wondering if maybe it was a stunt to make Vanessa jealous. But truthfully, Zac really seemed into the guy. It was bizarre."

Yeah, yeah, yeah... We're living in a time where babies learn how to take undetected cell phone video of a ho before they learn how to talk, so where is the proof? I'm going to tell the Enquirer what I tell every bitch on Craigslist who brags that they've got a mushroom head 8-incher: show me the pictures, bitch!

(Thanks to Mark for sending this mess in)

This is what the line to the glory hole at Cinderella Castle's must look like, right? But no, this is two of Disney's most ravishing and cherished Adonises, Zac Efron and Joe Jonas, sitting next to each other at the Calvin Klein Men's show in NYC yesterday. Thighs parted.... Hands politely clasped... They're as stiff as a Republican politician waiting for the airport men's room to clear. That could only mean one thing: they are trying desperately not to act on their impulse to cuddle on each other's honey buns right there in front of everyone. Oh, how Zac just wants to softly blow at Joe's brows and watch them dance like wheat in the wind. At least that's what the thought bubbles that I created for their asses say.

If only a butterfly made of strawberry gloss landed on Joe's lips during the show. Zac cannot ignore anything made of lip gloss so he'd have to plant his lips on Joe's. That's obviously what Kellan Lutz, Jack Huston and the only and only Bryan Boy were hoping to see too.

At Voyeur night club in West Hollywood on Thursday night, Zac Efron made out with a piece who wasn't Vanessa Hudgens or a tube of Sephora Sweet Candy lip gloss. Zac reportedly laid his precious lips on the face of Australian actress Teresa Palmer. And right after Zac made Teresa feel like Tinkerbell just queefed on her lips, he softly gave her some important advice: "The side rat's nest bun is not your friend."

E! News says that Teresa and Zac's date night started at Pink Taco (which is also what Zac's full-time anus bleacher calls his no-no) where the party for her movie Take Me Home Tonight was held. They went to Voyeur afterward and that's where Zac had Teresa in the palmer of his hand (Yeah, I'll stand still while you put the GONG over my head before smashing it. I deserve it for that one). A witness type says, "They were at a VIP table...They were dancing, standing up by the table and dancing. They all took tequila shots together. He was grabbing her butt and doing very suggestive dancing. Then they made out a couple of times standing up where they were dancing. I was surprised they were doing that in front of everyone. It was like they didn't care. They were there for like an hour and left together."

Teresa is a good match for Zac. Teresa used to eff around with Russell Brand so she has a lot of experience in trying not to look totally confused when she has a brain fart and forgets she's making out with a dude instead of a beautiful woman.

The cracks in Cinderella's Castle that were created out of pain when Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens broke up slowly started to heal every time she licked the strawberry kiwi lip gloss off of his lips at the opening of SHG Eden Hollywood on Friday night. Whatever Zac and Vanessa were doing together for 5 years, they stopped doing last month. But some witness type tells People that it must be back on since Vanessa was on him like he was a webcam. The source had this to say:

"Vanessa was bopping around with her arms up while Zac had his hands all over her. Vanessa had a smile on from ear to ear and the two were inseparable after that.

Zac sat in between her legs and she wrapped her arms around him. They were making out on and off for the last hour or so until closing. They acted like there was no one else in the room."

Zac isn't just a pretty princess face made from pieces of plastic mermaids from the old submarine ride at Disneyland. Zac has brains too! Zac realized that Vanessa's movie Beastly is about to become the Titanic of the pre-apocalypse and he wants his name to trickle out of her mouth and down Oscar's chest when she accepts the trophy for Best Actress at the Academy Awards in 2012.

Or maybe Zac knows that he will never find another girl who doesn't laugh when he asks her to take a concealer stick to his b-hole. Well, Zac can FEEL the white heads on his ass lips! Girls just don't understand that he can't leave the house when he has visible white heads on his ass lips! Who can really? Vanessa gets it.