Anderson Cooper

The Silver Fox filled in for Reeeeeeeg on Regis & Kelly yesterday morning and got to interview that limp asparagus tip and her fuck body of the moment from The Bachelorette. On Mah Boo 360 last night, Coopy talked about how he asked the only question any of us care about: How many dudes did she get her sex on with? The limp asparagus tip said she kissed 10, but only 4 with tongue. Ehehehehehe. This made Mah Boo almost vom in his purdy mouth. Adorable!

But don't slap me with a flaccid peen like that, Andy! You know very well that on any given week, you kiss on at least 10 lips WITH tongue! And that doesn't include the lips on faces either. OW! But really, my nipples go weak whenever Mah Boo plays hard to git!

The only thing better than a little wake and bake, is rolling over and seeing Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's precious mug. Well, I see it every morning anyway, because I taped his headshot to my pillow case. The paper cuts all over my face are worth it!

Anyivealsogotpapercutsonmynips, here's Mah Boo outside of Letterman yesterday with an "I hope that crazy bitch isn't here" face. That face is not to be confused with an "Iz gotz to pee pee" face. Oh, Mah Boo!

Between us, if you squint and look really close, you can kind of see my hand peeking out of that hot piece's yellow t-shirt in the background. Mah Boo never suspected a thing! Yes, I'm still washing the undertitty grease off my face with rubbing alcohol, but it was well worth it!

And if Mah Boo doesn't make your nipples sing, SLAP YOURSELF IN THE EYES!!!!, I've also left a few pictures of Sookie Sackhouse looking like a hostess at a Shanghai Surprise-themed restaurant.

And here we fucking go! Spit shine my shank, lube up my face, remove all my joo-ree (leave the rings) and get read to play Nivea's "Don't Mess With My Man" (yes, I brought Nivea into this) on the boombox, because shit is about to get serious. I mean, can you believe this?! We all know Andy Coop cheats on me, but does he need to flaunt his whores like this?! He even knows he's doing wrong. Look at that nervous "I hope that crazy bitch isn't around the corner" side-eye.

It also looks like Mah Boo's peen puckers for Fred Perry. I'm ready to get Fred Perry's logo tattooed on one of my b-lips (right under my "I honk for Prince Hot Ginge" tattoo) if that will make him happy.

You better notify the Clinica Mobile to fully stock their fridge with Tangerine Jello, because it looks like I might be paying a visit. I'll give it my best, but Mah Boo's trick could probably break my nose just by flexing his bicep. Also, tell them to keep a straitjacket handy, because I'm starting to scare myself. I'm even jealous of Mah Boo's bike. WHY DO YOU RIDE THAT BIKE, MAH BOO? WHY DO YOU RIDE?!!

On Mah Boo 360 last night, The Silver Fox reminisced about the one time he met Michael Jackson at Studio 54. Mah Boo was 10 and he says he was with a "bunch of people." I'm guessing he was partying with his mommy Gloria Vanderbilt, Liza, Mick, Bianca and Jerry. You know, the regulars. While the adults snorted "flour and sugar," Mah Boo drank cold milk. I'm sure of it!

Mah Boo says he was impressed with MJ's skillz on the dancefloor, but never busted a move next to him. Why must Mah Boo lie?! You know he danced, danced, danced and danced some. He danced until the disco ball stopped spinning and the resident dealer yelled "LAST CALL!" Mah Boo can't ignore the glitter and we know this.

Also, when I was 10 I was playing with Play-Doh in the bath tub (I had issues). I'm totally jealous that when Mah Boo was 10, he was partying with Bianca Jagger.

St. Angie was on Mah Boo 360 last night, but her appearance was overshadowed by a much more important, relevant and beautiful creature: RICHARD SIMMONS! Of course, the first thing The Silver Fox asked Richard is if he bedazzled his tank-top. You know Mah Boo has a tank like that, but his is not as sparkly so he wanted to know Richard's secret! The truth is, Richard's secret is that he just farts and out comes the crystals! A natural bedazzler in his butt!

This whole clip is so glittery and shiny that you'll walk away looking like Richard farted all over you! Mah Boo probably put duct tape over his precious nipples before Richard came out, because he knew that they would not stop screeching while in the presence of such an icon!

And I need to have a little conversation with Mah Boo about Lady CaCa. He didn't mean it when he said he "liked" her. I'm sure of it. I will convince him while bedazzling his silvah peen with my no-no.

No, not chicken cutlets and Mother's Circus Animal Cookies. Or Prince Hot Ginge's blazing dick bush and lucite. It's Mah Boo Anderson Cooper (in shorty sleeves nonetheless) and the good shit together in one place! If you put a dollop of my panty pudding under a microscope, it would look exactly like this clip!

Mah Boo traveled to Los Angeles to go weed shopping, but if he wants to learn about the sweet herb he should come on over here. I'll teach him that the fastest way to bliss is to smoke a bowl off my no-no. Don't fret about me getting third-degree burns in the ass. It's been through worse. Ask the fire department and the free clinic.

The Silver Fox turned 42 yesterday (he doesn't look a day over precious, right?) and he was thrown a mega surprise party while on air! Suze Orman and Kathy Griffin came to knock the dicks out of his mouth while at work and present him with a very expensive-looking cake. It wasn't as impressive as my Andypuss cake from Carvel, but it's a close second. Suze and Kathy sang to Mah Boo and tried to get kinky by strangling him with balloon strings. He's used to it. Mah Boo just giggled through the whole thing like someone was tickling his chesticles through their TV screen. Why are you all looking at me?

I couldn't attend, because of a really annoying thing called "security guards with taser guns." I was planning to hop onto the set in a fluffy bunny costume. You know, because that's what foxes eat. OW!

A little later, Mah Boo, Suze and Kathy attended the Gracie Awards. A little later after that, I'm sure Mah Boo made a wish and blew a skin candle or two. HAPPEH BIRFDAYS!

What is the most disgusting place in the world at 11pm? No, it's not Tommy Girl's Scientolohole. According to Mah Boo, it's London!

Last night on his show, Mah Boo and Erica talked about how some pubs in London will start handing out lollipops to drunktards as they leave for the night. Pub owners hope that sticking a lollipop in their booze holes will stop them from being all loud and up-chucking on the streets. Mah Boo doesn't think this is going to do shit to stop them from going pee pee out in the open. He thinks they should stick a gobstopper in their barf caves instead. You know he wanted to say "stick a dick" in their mouths! Which based on my experience, has made things worse. I've been known to do barf times on a peen or two. And I wonder why tricks never call me back?!

How would Mah Boo know that London is disgusting at 11pm? I would think he would be inside somewhere sampling the local Spotted Dick.

And a whore who barfs in the presence of Mah Presh Boo has earned a special place next to me on the tugboat to HELL!!!! Illegal!

But my teabagging party has nothing to do with that economy shit. No, this is a party for two on a bearskin rug with a roaring fire in the background and The Isley Brothers playing as our soundtrack. Because it sounds to me like Mah Boo needs to learn more about the art of teabagging.

Last night on his show, when talking about that tax crap, Mah Boo's guest said, "They still haven't found their voice, Anderson. This happens to a minority party after it's lost a couple of bad elections, but they're searching for their voice." To which my Silver Fox looked into the camera, pouted his cum catcher and said, "It's hard to talk when you're teabagging." He followed it with a double eyed-wink which is his way of saying that was just for me. No, it wasn't a blink, bitch! It was a double eyed-wink just for me!

As much as I know that Mah Boo has dipped his tea bags into a pot or two, he probably hasn't been with the right one. I've had many stimulating conversations while getting my bowl filled with nuts. I'll be willing to give Mah Boo a private demonstration. He brings the tea bags and I'll bring the kettle. I bet his tea bags taste like hummingbird juice and Patron Silver.

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

I would rather share an order of hot breadsticks and conversation with Tim Gunn at Olive Garden than have to shank up his precious pepaw face in a bathroom at Rawhide. But Tim really is giving me no choice. You see, this bitch has revealed his silvercrush and it's none other than MAH BOO ANDERSON COOPER. The horror!

Timmy told OK! Magazine that his powdered donut hole crinkles for Andy because, "He's fabulous!" Timmy went on to say, “We’ve actually been trying to have lunch for a year and a half. Both of us are so busy that we haven’t been successful doing it, but we exchange e-mails.”

Oh, Timmy. I'm about to e-mail you a very special file entitled "Mah Boo Naked and Doing the Dick Slappy Dance." Download it to every single device you have used to e-mail with Mah Boo. Do this now. It's special. (For the viewers at home I'm sending him a virus to stop this before it starts).

Seriously, doesn't Timmy want a Gayken? Or maybe a Lance Bass? Why a Mah Boo? Doesn't he know that two silverheads can't work! Even if you make it work. It still doesn't work. That's too much shine for one couple. And when they bump steel wool bushes, it may cause chaffing. Neither of them want that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go slap a Klum and kick a Kors.